Torn
by Hank's Lady
Summary: Family man Jacob has struggled to suppress his longings for guys, not always successfully, from a young age due to a strict upbringing. Outwardly he has everything, but what happens when he meets Paul on a business trip? Angst ensues and threatens the life he has made for himself.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I've been looking forward to starting this new story for a while, so I hope you'll enjoy it. The pairing isn't one I've written for some time; Paul has always been one of my favourites and he gets a leading role in this story. It's all human and will be from Jacob's POV. As usual, it's rated 'M' for adult scenes and it's M/M (slash) right from the beginning.**

**If you'd like to see photo illustrations for the story, the banner I had made by Mina Rivera and receive updates and spoilers, check out and 'like' my Facebook page; just search for "hankslady".**

**Disclaimer: All of the characters associated with Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer, I'm merely borrowing them for the duration of the story.**

CHAPTER ONE

I slipped quietly out of bed and went to sit by the window. I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to disturb Leah by tossing and turning. I slouched on the window seat and rested my head against the glass, peering down at the bright lights of the city that never sleeps. I constantly had to remind myself how lucky I was; how I'd fallen on my feet with so many things. Twenty-eight years old was still considered very young when I thought about what I'd achieved.

It had started with me renting a space in a warehouse using my college fund and buying well-used gym equipment being sold off by bigger and better establishments. I had offered gym membership at a cut price to those who couldn't afford the fees of my competition and my venture grew so rapidly that I barely had time to stand still and I started to become the competition. Soon I was hiring staff, buying better equipment and eventually renting a floor in a larger building to move to when my warehouse space was no longer adequate. Now my business thrived, filled with several pieces of each cardio machine available, weight machines and free weights, plus two mirrored rooms for classes. I employed personal trainers, aerobics instructors and a masseuse, had installed a sauna and steam room, and a small coffee shop in one corner of the building which offered healthy drinks and snacks all day.

The money began to increase from a steady flow to a flood and I was finally able to move my small family from the tiny apartment in Queens to a two-bedroom penthouse in Manhattan, just six blocks from the gym. It had taken nine years, but when I looked back on it, it didn't seem that long. The time had flown by since I graduated highschool and cancelled my college applications in order to find work instead and take care of Leah.

Like many couples, we had been careless when we started dating, too full of young love and physical excitement to think about the consequences. She discovered she was pregnant a month before graduation and all of our plans for the future rapidly changed. Her parents were appalled that their little girl had gotten herself into such a situation and put pressure on her to have a termination, which she had no intention of doing. My father, although angry, was very fond of Leah and allowed her to move in with us when things became too unbearable for her in her parents' home. His condition was that we marry before she started showing.

Marriage wasn't something either of us had even spoken about. We had been dating for six months and planning to go to college. We were in love and imagined a future together, but that had been as far as it had gone and now we felt that we had no choice. We needed Dad to support us until I could get work and find somewhere for us to live and he wouldn't have us living in his house with a child on the way without a ring on Leah's finger. My upbringing had been very strict and when I thought about it, I knew he was right. I married Leah in front of a judge, using Mom's wedding ring, with only Dad and my best friend Embry as witnesses. We were eighteen and while part of me was excited about starting my life with the girl I loved and our child, the other part felt helpless and swept along with everything; it was almost as if I was having to say goodbye to a part of what I was.

I turned away from the window and looked at my sleeping wife, curled up on her side in the dim light. I was lucky, I told myself again. I had everything I could possibly want. It wasn't just the success of my business and of being able to provide this wonderful home for my family. Leah was beautiful, sexy and intelligent, strong and determined and she had been behind me every step of the way when I worked so hard for such long hours to get the gym going. In addition she was a fantastic mother to Sarah, named for my own mother. The little girl was the spitting image of Leah and I smiled now as I imagined her sleeping in the next room, her cat curled up on the end of her bed keeping her company.

A lot of people would have envied what I had, but there had always been something missing, something that I had done my best to forget about and much to my constant shame and guilt, failed to do. Dad had found out about it by accident before I met Leah and what followed had been rows and lectures, dictating to me the way I should live my life, telling me I was disgusting and perverted. I often wondered if that had been one of the reasons he had been so keen to push me into marriage, thinking it would somehow change me.

I sighed heavily and rose from the window seat, tiptoeing from the room to the kitchen to get a glass of water. It had been mine and Leah's tenth wedding anniversary that day. Embry's wife had come over to take care of Sarah while I took Leah out to celebrate. We had eaten in her favourite restaurant and I'd given her the gift I'd bought a month before - a pair of delicate diamond earrings which she had been overjoyed with. Ten years and in that time I'd managed to break my vows on four occasions. _Four_. And I knew that wouldn't be the end of it. I hated that I kept doing that to her and I always loathed myself afterwards, barely able to look at myself in the mirror when I shaved, but I couldn't seem to help it. I loved Leah and Sarah so much, but sometimes I just needed something else.

"Jacob? What's the matter, honey? Can't you sleep?" Leah's voice, barely above a whisper, startled me and I almost dropped the glass I held.

"Uh...no...just restless. I didn't want to disturb you."

She came to my side, sleepy-eyed, hair tangled, in a sheer white nightgown - another gift I'd given her recently, for her birthday - and slid her arms around my waist.

"Come back to bed."

I sipped some of the water and allowed her to lead me back to the bedroom, settling down into the comfortable four-poster. Leah snuggled against my side, her head on my shoulder, and I stroked her hair gently as she drifted back into sleep. Eventually I slept too, but when I woke I didn't feel rested and I had the beginnings of a headache behind my eyes. I lay still with my eyes closed, listening to Leah making breakfast for Sarah and feeding the cat, Sarah chattering excitedly about the games she had played with Marie Call before she went to bed the previous evening. I hauled myself out of bed and went to take a shower, shaking off my discomfort as I prepared to head for the gym. My manager would already have opened up so there was no need for me to hurry.

I joined Leah and Sarah for breakfast, promising to be back for lunch so that we could all spend the afternoon together. I wanted to have some extra time with Sarah before I took off the next day on a business trip that I'd been planning for the past week. A company in Boston had just launched a new rowing machine with a number of fun programmes to keep people interested and I intended to go there, try out the machine and if it was as good as I hoped, place an order for three of them. It would mean staying over for one night, which was something I wasn't particularly looking forward to. It put temptation too easily within reach.

I took Leah and Sarah to the movies to see Disney's latest blockbuster, 'Brave' and then to Lombardi's for pizza afterwards. When we returned home I packed an overnight bag so that I would be ready for an early start the next morning. I would be gone before Sarah had to get up for school, but hoped to be back in time for dinner on Tuesday.

I had a cab collect me at five-thirty Monday morning to take me to Newark and by ten-thirty, I was at my Boston hotel, having them store my overnight bag since it was too early to officially check in. I grabbed coffee and a snack and then found another cab to take me to FitWorx for my meeting with the management and to try out the new rowing machine. I had travelled in sweats over a t-shirt and shorts so there would be no need for me to change.

When I arrived I was shown straight into the manager's office for a brief chat first. I had met Andrew Leonard before when I had purchased some cross-training machines a couple years earlier and he clearly remembered me. He asked how things were going with my gym and eventually led me out of the office area to a part of the building where several demonstration machines were set up. The rowing machine was positioned by the left wall and a man was already sitting on the seat of it, bending forward and tapping at the control panel.

"You ready, Paul?" Andrew called out.

"Almost."

"Paul's fairly new here," he told me. "Took him on just a few months back as a demonstrator and assistant manager."

"Uh huh."

I tried to keep my eyes on Paul's face as he got up and strode towards us, but it was difficult. He was my height, clearly Native too with caramel skin, black hair and deep brown eyes. His broad shoulders and chest bulged and his arms popped as he curled his hands into fists briefly before he reached us. My mouth went dry and I snapped my eyes back to his face to see a slight smirk on it.

"Paul Lahote, this is Jacob Black," Andrew introduced.

Paul nodded and reached out to shake my hand. "From New York, right?"

"Yes. Good to meet you."

After the brief greeting, he turned and indicated I should follow him to the rowing machine. Sitting down again, he demonstrated the easy-to-use control panel which had several modes of work-outs, one of the most amusing being an animated picture of a boat moving across the screen. The faster you rowed, the faster the boat moved, but as you progressed, a helicopter would drop a passenger into the boat every so often, which would slow it down. In turn the operator would need to work harder to reach the finish line while at the left side of the screen, the ominous fin of 'Jaws' became visible as it chased the boat. I let out a short laugh and stepped back as Paul started the programme and began to row in order to show me exactly what happened if the shark caught up to the boat - the passengers vanished and the rowing became easy again. This was just one of the available workouts - there were a few similar to this and several more serious training programmes.

My eyes drifted from the screen to Paul's arms as he rowed, the muscles bulging and flexing, a thin damp line appearing down the back of his shirt. I felt my face warming and I switched my eyes back to the screen again determinedly. Why did the new guy have to be so damned hot? It was a relief that once this demonstration was over and I had tried out the machine myself, all I needed to do was deal with the paperwork if I decided to place an order - and I was pretty sure I would - and then I would be out of there.

"It's all yours." Paul got to his feet and stepped back, pulling the hem of his t-shirt up to wipe his damp face. I caught a glimpse of several rows of perfect abs before he lowered the garment again and I averted my eyes quickly. I'd just celebrated my wedding anniversary, for God's sake. I wouldn't let myself get distracted like this again.

I spent five minutes trying out the machine and then followed Andrew back to his office, relieved when Paul didn't accompany us. Within another twenty minutes I had ordered three of the machines and paid the deposit, arranging a delivery date for a month's time at which point I would be invoiced for the balance. It was a lot of money, but I knew many of my regulars would enjoy the new machines so it would be worth it. I stayed to drink the coffee Andrew poured for me from the machine in his office and then I was on the way back to the hotel, with nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

I wondered at the likelihood of getting a flight home that day and even went as far as using the computer in the lobby to check for cancellations, but I knew it was doubtful that I would get a seat and I was right. Nothing was available and I checked into the hotel room, showered and changed and ordered some lunch from the room service menu. I had no choice but to stay in Boston until the next day as planned.

I called Leah to let her know everything had gone well and then spent the afternoon in my room watching television. I was bored, but I didn't particularly want to wander around Boston alone and so I stayed in the room and tried not to think about Andrew Leonard's new assistant manager. I could picture him almost as if he were standing in front of me; a small smirk on his face, muscles bulging. I imagined him pulling his shirt up to wipe his face, revealing his abs and letting me get a good look. His sweat pants rested low on his hips, showing me the 'V' of his obliques and as I watched, they slid an inch or two lower, revealing a curl of pubic hair which his happy trail led to.

"Fuck! Stop it!" I growled aloud, rolling over on the bed and pressing my face into the pillow. The image wouldn't leave my head and my cock was hardening rapidly. It had been much too long; two years, almost, since...Emmett. He had been the last one. Garrett, Carlisle, Sam, Emmett. He had been huge, bigger even than Paul and I'd felt worse about him than any of the others because I'd liked him - really liked him, and been incredibly tempted to go back for more. I hadn't, I'd managed to talk myself out of it, but I'd thought about him several times afterwards when I jerked off.

I'd known I was bisexual from a pretty young age, but had never had anyone to confide in. My experimentation had been restricted to stolen magazines which Dad had eventually found hidden under my bed not too long after we lost Mom. His words had made me feel disgusting and unnatural and it had only been worse when he had told me Mom must be turning in her grave, ashamed of my behaviour. I'd been fifteen then and I'd struggled with it for the next eighteen months until the Cameron family moved into the neighbourhood and I met Jared, who was a year older than me. He was gay and made no attempt to hide it. Dad told me I wasn't to form a friendship with him and shunned the family, but somehow I did get to know Jared a little bit and the tentative friendship had become my first experience with a guy. Afterwards I'd remembered Dad's words, wondered if Mom was looking down on me, shocked and disappointed, and I didn't see him again. A few months later I was with Leah and the other guys had been brief interludes when I found myself unable to suppress my longings any more.

I gyrated my hips slightly, rubbing myself against the bed and making my zipper press painfully into my erection. Maybe if I just got myself off I'd forget about it; at least I would only be thinking about it rather than actually doing it. I flipped over again and unfastened my jeans, stroking my hand over myself lightly for a moment before I shoved both jeans and underwear down quickly and took my cock in my hand. My heart was racing and my thighs quivered as I began to pump my shaft slowly, reaching down with the other hand to cup my balls, tugging and squeezing gently.

Did he even like guys, I wondered? Had he realised I was checking him out? I was pretty clueless about that type of thing. If he'd liked the look of me, I would never have known unless he actually said so. I called him to mind again, dark eyes looking into mine as he kneeled in front of me on the bed, his hand reaching for me, pushing my own away and closing his fist around my cock. I bucked my hips, thrusting myself firmly into my hand, closing my eyes to keep the illusion of Paul there, his hand leaving my balls and reaching under me, pushing a finger in.

"Oh, God," I moaned. I needed to come badly. I'd made love with Leah after the anniversary dinner and as always it had been sweet and passionate and I'd felt sated afterwards, but what I really wanted, right now, was a man's strong hands, hard kiss, muscular body, cock rubbing against mine...

I spread my legs apart and moved my hand faster, frantically chasing my orgasm, letting myself picture Paul kneeling between my thighs, his thick, dark cock jutting upwards, the tip glistening as his hand flew over my erection and his fingers thrust deeper into me. I came hard, spurting onto my belly and the clean t-shirt I'd put on, gasping for breath. Slowly I withdrew my finger, released my softening cock and returned to the bathroom to clean up, my knees trembling from the force of my orgasm and my stomach turning over with anxiety. The few moments of pleasure hadn't done anything to lessen my desire and somehow I had to get through the night and go home the next day without making things any worse than they already were.

Evening approached and I went down to the hotel restaurant for dinner, lingering over the steak meal and a glass of beer. I would have liked to go out somewhere, maybe have a few more drinks and pass the time and I had seen a bar just two blocks away from the hotel. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt if I went there for an hour or so. It was going to be a tedious evening in my room otherwise.

I finished the meal and headed outside, making my way along the street to the bar. It was almost nine o'clock - pretty early really - but the place was already jumping, even on a Monday night. Music and voices drifted out onto the street and I went in, made my way to the bar and waited for one of the girls to be free to serve me. I ordered a beer and went to stand by the window, leaning against the wall in the absence of a free seat and watching the goings on in the street outside. My attention was quickly drawn to the club across the street, a rainbow neon sign above the door announcing it as Quentin's. I could see two guys standing just inside the door kissing and my pulse quickened. I turned my back to the window and gulped some of my beer, ignoring the flutter of excitement I felt. I wasn't going over there; I was going to finish my beer and head back to the hotel. Leaving it in the first place had been a mistake.

I made the beer last twenty minutes more and then walked out into the street, shoved my hands into my pockets and turned left, but in another minute I found myself crossing towards Quentin's instead. I couldn't seem to help myself; it was as if my feet were taking me towards the door on their own and I was powerless to stop them. I paused outside and hovered, then walked past instead and looked in the window although it was difficult to see much in the dimly lit interior. I turned again and shuffled towards the door, my heart pounding. Damnit, I wouldn't go in there.

"First time, is it?" A doorman grinned at me and chuckled and rather than come to my senses and walk away, I ducked inside quickly and made my way to the bar, knowing I was going to regret it. The few times I'd been into these types of places, something had always happened because I'd gone in there with the intention of exactly that. I went to the bar to get another beer, angry with myself for being so weak and ignoring what my head repeatedly told me.

A muscular, tattooed barman with a shaved head served me and I found myself staring at his chest and comparing it to Paul's as I waited for my change and wondering what the hell I would do if the object of my thoughts were to show up at that moment. I wouldn't stand a chance. I stayed where I was, sipping my beer and ignoring everything around me for a few minutes, but then suddenly someone spoke to me.

"Jacob Black!"

Oh, fuck. He was here, standing right next to me at the bar. What were the odds? I licked my lips and tried to think of something to say.

"Wife know about this?" he asked with a smirk.

"How do you know I'm married?" I blurted.

"You just told me." His smirk broadened into a grin and his eyes twinkled.

"Well, I...I'm just...I came in for a drink, that's all," I stammered.

"There's a regular bar right across the street if all you want is a beer."

"Well, I'm not planning on staying long."

"You might as well stay for a dance now you're here. The place is just warming up," Paul said.

"I don't...dance," I said nervously.

"No? What do you do?"

"Like I said, I just came in for a..."

"You're lying," he murmured, leaning closer so that I could still hear above the loud music. "You were checking me out earlier; when I was rowing."

Fuck, he noticed.

"Well, I don't do this...often." I could feel myself sweating, my pulse racing and I couldn't help thinking about the fantasy I'd had about him in the hotel room. Immediately I glanced down, taking in the black tank-top and skin-tight jeans he wore, neither of which left a great deal to the imagination. I could just about see the shape of his cock where it lay to one side of his zipper and guessed he wasn't wearing underwear.

His soft laugh drew my eyes back up to his face and then he stepped away and finished the drink he was holding. "Sure you don't want to dance?"

I shook my head dumbly and he shrugged and turned away, making his way onto the partly filled dancefloor. The hard beat of the modern track pumping through the speakers made my chest vibrate and multi-coloured lights swung this way and that, casting muted shades over the dancers. I raised the beer to my lips and took another gulp, telling myself that I would finish it as quickly as I could and leave.

Paul halted in a vacant space and turned to face me, then began to dance smoothly, his body moving in perfect time to the music, the muscles in his chest and shoulders flexing. I glanced away briefly, telling myself to abandon my beer and get out of there while I still had the chance, but my eyes were drawn back to the man fifteen feet away, who as I watched suddenly snagged the hem of the tank-top and lifted it over his head, tucking the garment into the back of his jeans. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes slid from his large shoulders down over the bulging pecs and perfect abs, then darted back up again as the glint of something caught my attention. A gold ring hung from his left nipple and I unconsciously licked my lips.

Paul grinned and ran his tongue along his lower lip, raising his arms along with the others on the dancefloor as the track changed to something faster. I watched, fascinated, as his skin began to glisten with sweat from the sticky heat and the rapid movement, a droplet rolling slowly down the centre of his chest and following his happy trail south.

"Fuck." I raised the bottle to my lips again, my throat impossibly dry, my eyes still fixed on Paul even as I tilted my head back. My pants suddenly felt way too tight and my heart was banging in time to the music. I looked away and wiped one sweaty palm on my jean-clad thigh, then swapped hands with the bottle. I looked back at him and gulped as I noticed the button at the top of his jeans was undone.

"Fuck," I muttered again.

"Come here," Paul mouthed silently.

I hesitated, uncertain. There was only one way this would end, but did I really want to go through this again? The pain and the guilt afterwards; my self-hatred; my efforts to hide it when I returned home. It was only made worse by the fact that he was connected to my work. I put the empty bottle down on the bar and glanced towards the exit.

'Go,' I told myself, ignoring my aching erection. 'Do the right thing.'

My feet began to move, slowly, one step at a time, onto the dancefloor.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N If you read my recently completed story "The Chains That Bind Us" and enjoyed it, please spare a minute to vote for me! The story has been nominated for the 'Top Ten Fics Completed in July' at www twifanfictionrecs com. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :o)**

CHAPTER TWO

I was still arguing with myself when I halted a couple of feet away from Paul on the dancefloor. I was coming up with a whole list of reasons in my head as to why I should run for the door and go back to the hotel, but I just couldn't do it. The object of my fantasy was right there, seducing me with his eyes and the movements of his body and I wanted nothing more than to get closer, to feel his hands on me.

I was breathing fast, my heart pounding and my cock straining against my zipper as he lowered his arms and reached out to tug me closer to him, hands on my hips. I began to move instinctively to the bass beat, awkward at first as I wondered what to do with my hands, but after a moment I lifted them and rested them on the glistening chest of the man in front of me, instantly feeling his heartbeat thumping in time with my own. His hands crept around my waist and pulled me forwards a few more inches until our lower bodies touched, his clothed erection bumping against mine. I bit my lip to suppress a groan, avoiding his eyes as I slid my hands up over damp muscular flesh to his shoulders. I felt the heat of him through my shirt and warm breath on my neck as he leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Thought you didn't dance."

"I...well..." I hated that I was so awkward and nervous.

"I'm just kidding. Relax." He shifted his position, bringing one leg in between mine so that my cock pushed up against his thigh and his in turn rubbed against my leg as he gyrated lazily. I found myself moving more fluidly, gripping onto his shoulders and trying to ignore my rapidly growing state of arousal. I began to lose myself in the music and the track shifted almost unnoticably into another and then yet another. I could feel my hair growing damp at the back of my neck, my shirt beginning to stick to my skin as the heat of the club and Paul's body against mine made my temperature rise.

His teeth nipped at my neck and his lips travelled along my jaw to the corner of my mouth while his hand moved to my butt, squeezing firmly. Helplessly I ground myself against his thigh, angling my head slightly until our lips met in a heated caress. I felt the slight roughness of stubble graze my skin and then his tongue thrust into my mouth seeking mine, our teeth bumping as we tasted each other. I leaked a little into my shorts, my erection throbbing almost painfully and I moaned into the kiss, aware that things were moving awfully fast and that I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to. I should want to stop, but all I could think about was the way his thigh felt rubbing against my cock; the way his mouth tasted; the way his hand was squeezing my butt.

I slid one hand down from his shoulder and my thumb brushed the nipple ring. No one I knew had any piercings aside from their ears and the idea fascinated me. I tugged on it gently, experimentally and Paul broke the kiss with a growl and sank his teeth into my lower lip before he drew back a few inches to meet my eyes.

"Don't do this often, huh? When was the last time?"

"Um..." I struggled to think, my mind hazy with arousal. "Two years...or thereabouts..."

"Long time. Must be kind of awkward, being married."

"Uh...yeah..." Fuck. The guilt came rushing back.

"Does she suspect?"

"I don't think so." I thought of Leah, probably sitting watching television after putting Sarah to bed, maybe thinking about me in my hotel and my previous doubts returned quickly. "I shouldn't be doing this. I'm sorry...I..."

"Try telling that to your cock." His hand left my butt and suddenly it was between us, palming me for a second before his finger and thumb found my tip and massaged it firmly.

"Oh, fuck..." I groaned.

"It's up to you. You can walk away; I won't stop you; but you want it as much as I do." Paul stopped touching me and fumbled with himself for a second; then he was looking me in the eyes again, stroking his thumb over my bottom lip. I licked it instinctively and recognised the unmistakable musky taste of pre-cum. My erection strained desperately against the front of my jeans and I felt my shorts grow damper. We could have been the only two people in the club; I had ceased to be aware of the other dancers the moment he pulled me close to him.

"Where's your hotel?" he asked.

"Um...it's...we're not going there."

"My place then. It's ten blocks. We can get a cab."

"Ok," I said without hesitation. I knew I was going to curse myself to hell later, but there was no turning back by this point. He was by far the hottest guy that had ever taken an interest in me and I was so turned on by then that I could barely think coherently. Again the fantasy I'd had in the hotel room came to mind and I pictured him touching me, sucking me, holding my head while he fucked my mouth. I shuddered and backed away, jamming my hands into my pockets to disguise my excitement from anyone who might care to look. Paul was apparently unconcerned as to whether anyone would notice the obvious shape of his erection in his tight jeans and he pulled the tank-top out of the waistband as we headed for the door and quickly put it back on. It was early and cabs were abundant; within a minute or so we were in one and Paul had given the driver his address.

I sank back in the seat and tried to breathe steadily, knowing I was probably going to disgrace myself shamefully quickly. The fact that I had jerked off earlier made no difference; I was painfully hard, my balls tight against my body, my heart racing and the heat of Paul's thigh next to mine seeming to almost burn me through my clothes. His hand landed on my knee and stroked upwards, the fingers on the inside of my leg massaging until they reached my groin, almost but not quite touching my cock.

"Christ," I hissed, dropping my eyes to my crotch, expecting to see a damp patch on the outside of my jeans as I continued to leak, but nothing was visible except for the slight movement of my erection as it struggled to get free.

"You are keen," Paul murmured. His hand moved slightly and rubbed the base of my cock for a second until I pushed him away quickly.

"Don't. Not here."

He chuckled softly. "Yeah, don't wanna waste it. I want you in my mouth."

I cursed quietly. I couldn't ever remember a time when I'd been so desperately aroused and suddenly I couldn't wait to get to his 'place', wherever that was. I needed to feel his hands on me, his mouth on me, his cock in my hands; I needed to come and I doubted I would protest about anything he might want to do once we were away from prying eyes.

The cab pulled up in front of an apartment block and Paul paid the driver, then pushed his door open and got out. I slid across the seat and climbed out of the same side, then followed silently as he headed into the building and stopped in front of an elevator, punching the call button and waiting for the car to arrive. My breathing sounded embarrassingly loud in the silence and I struggled to control it, pushing my hands into my pockets again, still wanting to cover my excitement even though there was only him to see it. A minute later he was unlocking a door and inviting me to follow him into the dark apartment. I stepped through the door and closed it and in the next second I found my back pressed against the wall, pinned there by Paul's body as his mouth assaulted mine, hands planted on the wall above my head. I heard myself moan and I put my hands on his sides, holding onto him as his tongue plundered my mouth, lips crushing my own against my teeth, his erection grinding urgently against mine. I felt rather than saw him lower one hand between us, the back of it bumping me as he unzipped his jeans and then turned his attention to mine, popping the buttons free one at a time, slipping his hand inside and stroking me through my shorts.

I broke the kiss and turned my head to the side, panting for breath, pushing my butt away from the wall and thrusting myself eagerly against his hand. His hand was firm, rough almost as he palmed me and I groaned again, unable to help comparing it to a woman's gentler touch; Leah's touch. Fuck.

"Paul..."

"Mmm?" Teeth grazed my collar bone and then my throat. Somehow several of my shirt buttons were undone and his hand was inside, stroking my chest, the other hand tugging my cock free of the shorts and gripping it firmly, his thumb rubbing over the head. I shuddered and moaned.

"I'm so close...sorry..." I murmured. That hadn't been what I intended to say, but anything else had gone out of my head.

Paul's lips ghosted over mine again and then he stepped back and dropped to his knees, pulled my jeans and shorts down and guided me into the hot wetness of his mouth. I flattened my hands against the wall either side of me and glanced down, the sight of his lips around me just an inch below the head of my cock almost making me lose control there and then. I closed my eyes again quickly and rested my head back against the wall, forcing myself to breathe slower while I fought against giving in to the feel of his hot tongue swirling around me, teeth grazing every so often as he sucked eagerly, one hand stroking the base of my cock while the other cupped my balls, massaging them and tugging firmly which mercifully drove my impending orgasm away just a little.

I risked looking down again as he dropped his head lower, taking more of my length into his mouth until I felt my tip touch his throat, swallowing around me, cheeks hollowing as he sucked harder and I groaned aloud, my legs trembling. This time I couldn't look away and I watched as his nose touched my trimmed pubic hair, his mouth working me eagerly, eyes lifting suddenly to meet mine. His face was a picture of lust and he held my gaze as he slid his mouth up my length and began to bob up and down, his hands sliding around to my butt now, squeezing and encouraging me to fuck his mouth. I began to thrust my hips forward, driving myself into the hot cavern, clenching my fists at my sides as I felt the tingling, tickly sensation of my impending orgasm, my balls tightening more and the base of my cock thickening, beginning to pulse.

"Fuck!" I cried, banging my head against the wall as I threw it back, shooting my load almost violently into his mouth and throat. He had pulled off and held only the head of my cock in his mouth, sucking and swallowing around me, his hand continuing to massage my length and squeeze the last drops from me onto his tongue. My knees wobbled weakly, my heart pounding and my breath coming in harsh gasps as Paul rose to his feet again. I felt his cock bump my belly and then he was backing away, his voice forcing me to open my eyes.

"You want a drink of something?"

"Uh...um...thanks...whatever..." I gasped, awkwardly pulling my shorts and jeans back up. He turned away quickly and disappeared through a doorway. I saw a brief glow of light, probably from the interior of a refrigerator and then he stepped out of the room and into another, flicking on a dim light. I followed and found myself in a bedroom, dominated by a king size bed and a wall of cupboards with sliding mirrored doors. Paul pushed a bottle of beer into my hand and I glanced down, noticing his erection, as yet untouched, standing upright against his stomach, his jeans gaping open and revealing that 'V' I'd imagined and a neat patch of black hair around his cock. He chuckled quietly and I jerked my eyes back up to his face. He placed his beer on the bed table and peeled off the tank-top again, tossing it into a corner of the room before shoving his jeans down his legs, toeing off his shoes and stooping to pull his feet out of the legs of the pants and his socks. When he straightened up he lay down on the bed, slightly propped up against the pillows and picked up the beer again, tilting his head back to drink some. I watched his throat bob as he swallowed and my mouth went dry. I quickly drank some of my own beer, my blood thundering in my ears as I thought about what might happen next. I wanted to touch him; taste him. I could imagine myself doing it; kneeling on the bed over him, his cock in my mouth, his hips bucking under me.

I shuddered and put the beer down on the chest nearby, then quickly began to undress. My half-unfastened shirt was gone in a moment, shoes and socks following. I pushed both jeans and shorts down together again and stepped out of them. I was still semi-hard and my cock quivered in front of me as I crawled onto the bed. Paul put his beer down and reached out to pull me against him. This time it was me who instigated the kiss, covering his mouth with mine and thrusting my tongue in eagerly, resting one hand on his chest. He shifted slightly, drawing one of my legs over him, bringing my cock into contact with his thigh and then moving it slightly between my legs, rubbing against me. I gyrated my hips, my erection growing again as I tried to concentrate on him instead, stroking my hand lower until I encountered the nipple ring, catching it between finger and thumb and tugging firmly. Paul groaned into my mouth and I broke the kiss and bent towards his neck, touching his hot skin with the tip of my tongue, tasting and sucking, pulling at his flesh with lips and teeth. I tasted the salt of his sweat as I worked my way down towards his chest, replacing my fingers with my mouth when I reached his left nipple. I drew the gold ring into my mouth and pulled at it gently, my lips surrounding the hard nub beneath. Paul arched up off the bed, sliding his hands into my hair and dragging his nails over my scalp.

"Christ...fuck!" he hissed.

I continued sucking and pulling on the piercing while I stroked my hand down over his abs, feeling them bunch and twitch under my touch. The tip of his cock bumped my wrist and I captured it quickly in my hand, giving it a few slow pumps and feeling it leak into my palm. He cursed again, his hips lifting to thrust his shaft harder into my hand, his body begging me for more. I released the nipple ring and glanced up at his face, lips parted as he panted for breath, eyes closed, his skin glistening as fresh beads of sweat broke from his pores. I turned my attention to the neglected nipple for a moment, biting and sucking the hard bud, working my hand more firmly on his cock, using his pre-cum to lubricate my palm as I pumped harder. My own erection throbbed against my belly, ready for more much quicker than I expected and I resisted the urge to touch myself with my free hand.

"Fuck...need to come..." Paul panted. His hips were lifting rhythmically off the bed as he fucked my fist and I glanced down, eyeing the leaking purple head and slowing my hand quickly. I wanted to give him more than just a hand-job. I edged further down the bed and guided his tip into my mouth, swirling my tongue around and tasting his slightly sour taste.

"Mmm...yeah...more..." he grunted.

I ducked my head lower, taking more of him in, sucking and nibbling my way down his length while I continued to pump the base with my hand. I cupped his balls with my free hand, squeezing and tugging the same way he had with me, experimentally working my way lower and hoping I wouldn't gag. I had never been able to do this often enough to get used to it and when Paul clutched at my head and thrust his hips up eagerly, pushing himself deeper into my throat, I did gag and pulled off quickly.

"Sorry," I muttered, embarrassed.

"Uh...'s'alright..." He removed his hand from my head and rested it on his chest instead, idly playing with his nipple ring. "Keep going."

I drew him back into my mouth and this time he left me to go at my own pace, his body trembling and twitching, but remaining flat on the bed. I worked my hand and mouth up and down, sucking and tugging, drawing more of him in, working my way back up to the head as I felt his cock begin to pulse with the start of his orgasm. I stroked harder and faster and swallowed repeatedly as he spurted into my mouth, cursing loudly and breathlessly. I pulled off slowly, squeezing the last drops from him before I released him and then stretched out next to him, avoiding his eyes, hoping he wasn't too disappointed with my performance.

"Fuck, that was good. Been a while for me too," he panted.

"Yeah, I bet you're in that club all the time," I blurted.

"Not really, I don't have a lot of free time. It's been a couple of months. Better than a couple of years though, right?" he chuckled.

"Yeah."

"Did you know you were bi before you got married?"

"Yes. My first experience was with a boy."

"So what happened? You didn't want to be with him?"

"It was just a casual thing. His family moved in near ours. He was out and my father banned me from getting to know him. He found magazines in my room when I was fifteen, gave me a lecture about how disgusting and unnatural I was. It was experimentation with Jared and I suppose I wasn't sure what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to shame my Dad though and he would have kicked me out if he knew I hadn't changed. I started dating Leah and I forgot about it for a while."

"You forgot about it, or pretended to?" Paul teased. He rolled over to face me and laid his hand on my chest, slowly stroking in circles.

"I was crazy about Leah," I said. "We were in love and I didn't think about guys at first. We had plans to go to college, but she got pregnant and her parents tried to pressure her into having a termination. My Dad offered for her to move in with us, on the condition that we...got married." I stopped and bit my lip. Why the hell was I telling him all of this? I never told them personal things about myself. It was just a brief interlude of pleasure and then I'd be gone, fighting my way through guilt and self-hatred for giving into it and yet here I was, spilling out things about myself that nobody else knew.

"Would you have married her if not for your Dad?" he asked.

"I don't know; we hadn't planned that far. We were in love, that was all we knew. That didn't change."

"You love your wife and presumably you had the child...?"

"Yes, a girl; Sarah."

"And yet you're here with me?"

"Sometimes I just need..." I stopped and groaned.

"Cock?"

"Yeah."

His hand stroked slowly down from my chest to my cock, which had begun to soften again as we talked. After all I'd just said, I knew I should push him off and leave before I made things even worse for myself, but I realised I didn't want to walk away just yet. I barely knew him; in fact I knew nothing about him at all except that he worked for my supplier and was single, but somehow I felt a kind of connection - maybe because I'd told him those things, or maybe it was just sex; the sex with a man that I'd been longing for. I glanced down at his hand stroking me back to life, his palm rubbing my erection slowly, grinding it against my stomach. He was close enough for me to feel the head of his cock bump my hip as it grew again and he dipped his hand lower suddenly, his fingers questing between my legs and circling behind my balls. I shivered and sucked my breath in through my teeth, parting my legs a little more to give him access to me. The tip of one digit brushed my hole, back and forth, making it twitch and clench. He removed his hand and raised it to his mouth, sucking on his forefinger for a moment before lowering it again between my legs, rubbing the moistened tip over my hole. I moaned and squirmed, my cock throbbing eagerly.

"You been fucked before, Jacob?"

"Yes," I said shakily.

"You want me to fuck you?" The tip of his finger pushed into me, not breaching my muscle, but teasing my entrance, promising of more to come. I groaned helplessly, feeling pre-cum oozing from my cock onto my belly. "That a yes?"

"Yes." I took a deep breath. "We're going to have to go slow."

"We got all night."

The finger left me and Paul sat up, turning to pull out a drawer in the bed table and removing a bottle of lube and a condom. I eyed them as he placed them on the bed next to me and squeezed out some lube into one hand, coating his fingers. Immediately I felt myself tense up and when he returned his finger to my hole and pushed against it, I was completely closed up. I breathed out shakily and made myself relax, closing my eyes rather than continuing to watch what he was doing. His finger worked its way slowly into me, stretching me without discomfort after my own brief exploration earlier in the day. It was only when he added a second finger that I had to bite my lip to suppress a groan of pain, my hole burning from the intrusion and my muscle protesting. I struggled not to clench up and make things worse for myself, breathing through it as he moved down the bed suddenly to reach my cock again. I felt his tongue teasing it, stroking up and down the shaft almost lazily, making it twitch and taking some of my attention off of my ass. He continued for several minutes without progressing any further and I relaxed more.

"Mmm..." I hummed, the discomfort of being stretched gradually fading, leaving me wanting more. He eased a third finger into me as if he'd heard the thought and I winced and hissed, clenching my fists at my sides. His cock was going to hurt like hell, I thought, but my own erection throbbed longingly as I glanced down again, watching as Paul sat up and squeezed more lube onto the hand that was between my legs, coating my hole inside and out before withdrawing and wiping his fingers on the bed. He picked up the condom and ripped open the small packet, rolling it smoothly onto his cock before adding more lube, dribbling it directly onto his tip and spreading it down his length. I rolled over onto my stomach and spread my legs open, rubbing myself against the mattress while I waited for him to move in behind me and then concentrating on relaxing completely as he guided himself.

I breathed out as he pushed against me, gripping the end of the bed with one hand under the pillow and gritting my teeth at the intrusion. I was stretched painfully as the head of his cock forced its way in, but then he held still, his hands on my hips, waiting for me to get used to him.

"You're so fucking tight," he muttered.

"You're fucking big," I panted and he laughed softly.

"You just need to do this more often." He pushed forward another inch and I groaned. He rested both hands on my hips and tugged at me firmly. "Lift up."

I raised myself a few inches and immediately one of his hands slid under me, capturing my cock in a loose fist and pumping it firmly while he held himself still with just a couple of inches of himself inside of me. I began to move slowly, thrusting myself into his hand and pushing myself back onto him. He slid deeper, withdrew almost to the tip and then pushed forward again smoothly, stretching and filling me, his balls bumping against mine.

"Fuck..." I hissed. It hurt, but at the same time it was beginning to feel good as he slid back and forth, a little at a time. He pushed deeper and his cock dragged over my prostate, making me yelp and clench around him. He pulled back and tucked his fingers into the crease at my hips, tugging at me until I rose up onto my knees, my arms still flat on the bed and my face in the pillow.

"Jerk yourself off." Paul gripped my hips tighter and began to fuck me harder and faster, his cock driving into my heat rapidly, balls slapping against me. I could hear him panting and cursing under his breath, the slick, wet sound of his cock pumping into me making me tremble and push myself back onto him eagerly. I grasped my cock in one hand and began to tug at it, fast pumps, rubbing my thumb over the tip and spreading pre-cum down the shaft. My balls tightened and heat coiled in my belly, spreading outwards as another orgasm approached. Paul pounded me even harder, chasing his own release, his fingers digging painfully into my hips as he ground himself into me, his movements becoming erratic.

"Fuck...almost there...gonna come..." he panted and I tipped over the edge just a few seconds before him, spilling into my hand and clenching my muscles tighter, squeezing his cock within me and feeling it jerk and twitch, filling the condom. He pulled out almost immediately and I sank down onto my belly, my lungs labouring as I gasped for breath. I felt the mattress shifting as Paul moved around, disposing of the condom and then wiping the lube off of me with some kind of cloth. I barely had the strength to roll over and I flopped onto my back, my chest heaving, limbs heavy and weak.

"God...so good..." I muttered. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to look at him. I usually left pretty quickly afterwards, but this time I felt differently. I wanted to linger just a few more minutes; foolish, really. It would be better to get away as soon as possible, scrub the feel of him off of me in the shower and do what I always did; berate myself and try to work out how to act normal when I went home. I raised my eyelids a fraction as the room dimmed and a cover drifted over the lower half of my body and I forced my eyes open further.

"I have to...go..." I mumbled.

"Sure. No rush."

The mattress shifted again as he stretched out beside me and I closed my eyes again, trying to summon up some energy and wondering why I was so wiped out. Three times...I came three times in one day. I felt my lips stretching into a grin and then I breathed out heavily and began to drift away.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

I opened my eyes reluctantly and immediately saw myself in the wall of mirrors at the side of the room. At once my heart began to race and my stomach filled with a knot of nerves as I realised where I was. I glanced over my shoulder at Paul, still sleeping flat on his back, the sheet thrown off and only covering his feet. His chest rose and fell steadily and his morning erection lay hard against his belly. I looked away quickly and sat up, wincing at the soreness in my ass.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

I felt sick with myself, just as I knew I would. Why had I let this happen again? Why had I gone to him so willingly in that club last night? I kept on doing this to myself - to Leah - and I was furious at my lack of control. I promised to love Leah and be faithful to her ten years ago and here I was once again, breaking my vows for a couple of hours of pleasure. I could have walked away, I just hadn't wanted to. I'd wanted him, knowing exactly how I was going to feel about it later, and why the hell had I fallen asleep?

I rose quickly, looking for my clothes, wondering what my chances were of getting dressed and getting out of there before he woke up. Slim to none - my bladder was bursting and I would have to pay a visit to the bathroom first, which would likely disturb him. I grabbed shorts, socks, shirt and jeans and crept into the bathroom, closing the door quietly, my heart banging urgently as I contemplated sneaking out like the coward I was when I could quite possibly come into contact with him again in the future through FitWorx and end up feeling like a complete fool.

I used the toilet, washed my face and rinsed out my mouth, then dressed quickly, not bothering with a shower. I would do that back at the hotel when I had clean clothes to put on. I finished up and cautiously opened the door, immediately faced with Paul sitting on the side of the bed, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Hey." He looked up at me with a grin. "Going already?"

"Uh...yeah, I need to get back to the hotel and check out; my flight's at noon," I said, glancing at the clock and seeing with some relief that it wasn't yet eight-thirty.

"You want some coffee first?"

"Well...I...um...should get going."

"Fair enough." He got to his feet and stretched, drawing my reluctant eyes to his impressive chest and he shot me another grin before he headed into the bathroom. I averted my eyes determinedly and looked at his reflection in the mirrors instead as he left the door open, leaning over the toilet with a hand braced on the wall, awkwardly angling his semi-hard cock downwards. Damnit, even watching him take a piss excited me. I grabbed my shoes, took a quick look around to make sure I hadn't left anything and checked my pocket for phone, wallet and the key card to my hotel room. I stepped out of the room and hovered in the hallway, thinking I should probably at least wait to say goodbye since he was awake.

I heard the toilet flush and then the sound of him cleaning his teeth, then water running into the sink. Minutes crawled by and I tried not to think about what I'd been doing just a few hours earlier, but it was impossible not to. I only had to glance through the door back into the bedroom and there was the bed, all rumpled, the sheets no doubt smelling of both me and Paul. There would be a stain there on the bottom sheet from when I came while he pounded his cock into me. I bit my lip as I started to sweat, the image of myself under him stuck in my mind. I could still feel it, constantly reminded by the discomfort I now felt and despite my desperation to leave and the almost overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-disgust, my cock was filling slowly, pushing against the front of my jeans.

At last Paul emerged, a towel wrapped around his waist, much to my relief, although it didn't leave much to the imagination. It was tied low, revealing his happy trail, the bulge behind it indicating he was still somewhat hard. I dragged my eyes back to his face reluctantly.

"So...guess I better let you go," he said.

"Yeah...um..." I had no clue what to say to him. I'd never done this; fallen asleep with them, had to face the awkwardness in the morning. I'd always left afterwards, but now part of me almost wished I'd said yes to the coffee, just to hang out for another ten minutes and talk about something; anything rather than fidget nervously and run for the door.

Paul grinned at me again. "It was a good night. You ok?"

"Yes, thanks. I just...look, I don't do this."

"Yeah, I can tell." His grin broadened. "What do you normally do? Fuck and run?"

My face heated up and I grimaced. "Sorry."

"I guess it's not that much different for me; I don't really do relationships. I wouldn't mind doing this again some time though, if you're ever in Boston for anything."

"Actually, this is the first time I've been here," I said. "I don't really think I'll get over here again."

"Maybe I'll just have to take a trip to NYC then."

My eyes widened in shock and he laughed. "Kidding. You better get home to your wife. I have to go to work soon anyhow."

"Yeah. I'll...um...I guess I'll go," I stammered. "See ya."

Paul raised an eyebrow. "Bye, Jacob."

I let myself out, called the elevator and headed down to the street, cursing myself all the way back to the hotel in the cab I found outside. I was a lousy person; a shitty husband; a cheat. How would Leah feel if she knew what I'd been doing? She'd be crushed and furious; I had failed her - again - and not only her, but Sarah too. This would be the last time, I told myself. I'd made my choice; I married Leah; I loved Leah; there was no excuse for my behaviour; none at all.

I got out of the cab and walked into the hotel, realising I said the same things to myself every time this happened. After the first time I'd vowed it would be the only time and that I'd gotten it out of my system. Then again and again and again I'd wallowed in guilt, telling myself I wouldn't do this any more and now here I was, having done it once again and I would have to suffer for it. I deserved to feel the way I did right now; loathing myself, almost wishing Leah would find out and tell me what she thought of me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but if she hurt me in return, kicked me out, sent me away, it would be just punishment.

I let myself into the room and stripped off my clothes again quickly, grimacing at the smell of Paul on my shirt, the dried pre-cum stain in my shorts, my sore ass. I got in the shower and began to scrub myself vigorously, lathering myself up again and again until I'd used all of the small bottle of shower gel provided by the hotel and my skin was tingling from the hot water. I stepped out onto the mat and grabbed a towel to dry myself, reaching out to wipe the steam off of the mirror and wondering whether or not I should bother shaving before I left. I grimaced at my reflection, repeatedly cursing myself and then I froze in horror, the towel clutched in my hand as my eyes caught sight of the purple marks. I looked down at myself, noting the finger-shaped bruises on my hips where Paul had gripped me tightly while he fucked me. It was obvious to me what they were - three on one side and two on the other, plus a thumbprint behind my hip bone on one side.

_"Fuck!"_

I said it aloud this time and my stomach flipped over, my mouth went dry and my spine prickled as sweat began to break out of my pores again. Almost panting, I stepped closer to the mirror, dreading finding a hickey on my neck or some other obvious mark, but there was nothing else - just the fingerprints which didn't look like anything else I could think of. What the fuck was I going to do? Leah would know what they were - she had to - unless somehow I could keep myself covered up until they faded. How long did bruises last? A week? More?

I punched the wall, groaning at the sudden pain in my knuckles. What the hell was I doing? Again I asked myself, why had I gone into that fucking club in the first place? Why had I walked onto the dancefloor? Why had I let him fuck me? I went on and on berating myself as I put on clean underwear, t-shirt and jeans, gathering everything else into the piece of hand luggage I brought. It was still only nine-forty-five and I had time for breakfast although I didn't have much of an appetite. I went down to the restaurant none the less and helped myself to coffee and toast from the buffet, forcing a few bites down while my guts churned with dread at the thought of arriving home and having to behave as if nothing had happened.

I sent Leah a text from the cab on the way to the airport, letting her know I was on my way and she answered immediately, ending with 'Miss you, x' which only made me feel worse. The rest of the journey passed quickly, the flight on time, traffic light as the cab took me from Newark back to Manhattan. I repeatedly wiped sweaty palms on my legs and licked dry lips, grimacing as I compared my uncomfortable and nervous behaviour to the way I had been in the bar when Paul spoke to me. It was my own fault, I told myself again. I deserved everything I got and if all I suffered was my own guilt, I would get off lightly.

I travelled up to the penthouse in the elevator, trying to think about how I normally acted. I always did this and I was sure I appeared completely fake when I walked in, but Leah had never indicated she noticed anything different and I knew I would heave a sigh of relief that I hadn't been caught out and then beat on myself later and wish that I had been. I opened the door and walked in, dumping my bag and toeing off my shoes.

"Leah?"

"In the bathroom, babe!"

"Sorry..."

"Cleaning!" She emerged laughing, wearing bright yellow rubber gloves and her customary gorgeous smile, a scarf holding her hair back from her face. "So how was it? You didn't say a lot on the phone."

"Yeah, it was good; the machines are just what we want. Some really cool programmes on them; stuff for everybody. Fun ones and serious training workouts," I rambled. "So you missed me, huh?"

"Nah, I was just joking in the text; massaging your ego." Leah came to me and wrapped rubber-clad hands around the back of my neck, reaching up to touch her lips to mine. I slid my arms around her waist and hugged her against me, pressing my face into her hair where it had escaped from the scarf and breathing in the smell of oranges and lemons from her shower gel and some kind of exotic-scented shampoo. She always smelled of fruit or the forest or something natural and had never been much of a one for fancy perfumes - I learned that to my cost when I spent over a hundred dollars on a crystal bottle of scent for her twentieth birthday. She still had it with more than half its contents unused.

"You smell good," I sighed.

"You're easily pleased; I smell of bleach and air freshener," she grinned, pulling free. "So when are these machines being delivered?"

"Three weeks. You should try one out; row as fast as you can and see if you can save your passengers from being eaten by Jaws."

Leah snorted loudly. "There'll be a line out the door to use that. So what else did you do in Boston?"

"Um..." I turned away to hide my red face, grabbing my bag and beginning to unpack the things that needed to go in the laundry. Damnit, I had thought it was going so well; thought I had been the same as always. What else had I done?

"You sat in the room watching daytime TV, didn't you?" Leah said. "I don't know why you don't take a look around the city or something; have dinner somewhere nice. It's not like you do this sort of thing often; you might as well enjoy it."

"Well...I guess it's not much fun exploring a new place on your own. I don't like spending money on myself."

"I know, but you should - you deserve to get something out of this; you worked so hard the last few years and we're doing well now."

"I get plenty out of it - seeing the gym thrive, having you and Sarah to come home to..."

"Oh, shit!" Leah swore suddenly. "What time is it?"

"Uh..." I glanced at the clock. "Two-thirty, why?"

"Sarah's class finishes early today; there's some kind of big staff meeting going on. I don't know why they have to do it in school hours. They're deciding on more efficient teaching methods and they send the kids home an hour early. I mean, what the hell?"

"You want me to get Sarah?" I offered.

"Would you mind? I really wanted to get this done; I guess I lost track of time."

"No problem, I'll go now." I dropped a kiss onto her forehead and set off again quickly, heaving a sigh of relief and cursing myself at the same time, just like I had known I would. I didn't deserve her; I didn't deserve my beautiful, trusting wife who spent her time supporting me with my work, keeping my paperwork in order for the accountant, keeping our home nice, taking care of me and Sarah. She could have gone to college, had her own career, found a decent guy who would treat her the way she deserved and instead she got me - someone who knocked her up when she was eighteen, dragged her through eight years of poverty before things started to work out and fucked men behind her back at every opportunity.

"You fucking piece of shit, Jacob," I muttered as I strode to the subway station two blocks away, pulling out my phone to call Sarah's school to let them know I would be ten minutes late and then calling my manager, Edward, to tell him I wouldn't get to the gym that day as I'd hoped. Things were going smoothly as usual and I left him to get on with it.

I continued to silently hate myself as I picked up Sarah from school and took her home, spent the rest of the day with her and Leah, read Sarah her bedtime story to make up for being absent the previous night and fell into bed with Leah. I undressed quickly before she came into the room, but kept my shorts on to cover the damned incriminating bruises and by the time she left the bathroom in her nightgown, I was under the covers. She switched on the lamp at her side of the bed and took her contraceptive pill the same as always, then put the glass of water down and glanced at me.

"You look tired, honey."

"Yeah...I guess I didn't sleep too well last night," I mumbled, hoping that she would want to just snuggle and go to sleep. I couldn't have touched her, or made love to her right then. Guilt and regret pushed desire about as far away as it could get, and yet when Leah lay down and rested her head on my shoulder, my arm around her stroking her hair, I closed my eyes and all I could see was Paul. I couldn't seem to get him out of my head - how he looked on the dancefloor, all sweating and sexy; how he looked when I got up and he was still sleeping. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think of something else; I opened my eyes and fixed them on Leah instead until they were too tired to stay open, but I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

I woke feeling worse that I had the day before, if that were possible. My head hurt and after I watched Leah slip out of bed and go to the bathroom, I rolled over and hid my face in the pillow. My morning erection pushed into the mattress and immediately the image in my head was of myself in Paul's room, his fingers digging into my hips while I jerked myself off. Suppressing a groan with difficulty, I turned back over and lifted the sheet, looking down at myself and noting the bruises were still there, as vivid as ever. I pulled my shorts over them and waited for Leah to finish in the bathroom and go to Sarah before I got up. It was going to be a very long week, or however long it took for the marks to fade.

It was that evening when I was almost discovered. Leah left the light on and bent to kiss me, quickly deepening it and making it obvious she wanted me. We usually made love with the light on, liking to see each other, look into each other's eyes, but that couldn't happen now. My heart skipped anxiously as I kissed her back, teasing her when she said I'd obviously missed her the other night more than I was letting on. She grabbed the waistband of my shorts to pull them down and I stopped her.

"Can you turn the light off, Lee? Damned headache behind my eyes..."

"Hmm...Little Jake doesn't seem to think you have a headache," she smirked, eyeing my cock as it strained against my shorts.

"Unlike you girls, we don't use a headache as an excuse not to do it," I grinned back. "Nothing wrong with the rest of me; I'd just be more comfortable with it dark."

Hell, would I feel more comfortable when she wouldn't be able to see those fucking bruises, I thought, as she quickly turned away and flicked off the light. I let out a quiet sigh of relief and wriggled out of my shorts, reminding myself not to leap out of bed in the morning without covering myself up if Leah was still in the room. Somehow I managed to put it out of my mind and focused totally on my wife and the next day, I actually did feel a little better. I still hated myself and I knew it would be a few weeks before I stopped telling myself what a piece of shit I was, but at the same time I was determined I had turned over a new leaf. I wasn't going to do it again; risk wrecking what I had, hurting my family, having my cake and eating it. It was over.

This was of course exactly what I said to myself each time, only it had been harder to forget Emmett than the previous three. I hadn't been able to get him out of my mind for some time and I'd had his phone number, which on several occasions I'd almost used until I made myself delete it and put it behind me. I didn't have Paul's number, but I knew where he worked and as much as I did try to put it behind me, I found that it wasn't that easy. I couldn't forget about him.

The bruises faded and I succeeded in keeping Leah from seeing them with a few rather awkward moments, but the images of Paul in my head didn't follow them. Several times when Leah had gone to take Sarah to school on the mornings where I didn't need to get to the gym early, I found myself in the shower, jerking off to get rid of my morning wood and letting him creep into my thoughts. I imagined it was his hand on me, his hot mouth sucking me; I remembered the way he had looked when he lifted his eyes to mine, his lips stretched around my cock and I replayed parts of the time I had with him in my head - how it felt when I came in his mouth; how he spent so long preparing me; how much I enjoyed having him fuck me, as guilty as it made me feel. I still wanted him; I just couldn't help it and the worst part of it was that I knew if I had the opportunity, I would fall into bed with him again, no matter how hard I tried to resist.

A couple more weeks passed and my thoughts were really beginning to worry me. He was still in my head and no less vividly than in the first few days. I only had to picture him dancing, that droplet of sweat rolling down his body to the top of his jeans or see him in my head lying on his bed sleeping, and my cock would stiffen rapidly and I'd be aching to have that night over again. It wasn't like when I just started longing for a man in general, it was Paul I wanted and I felt just as sick with myself as when I left his apartment that morning, if not more.

Amazingly, this didn't affect things with Leah. I loved her and I wanted her - she brightened up my day, she made me smile, she made love with me and each time it was as good as it had ever been; mercifully I didn't think about him at those times. But it was my thoughts that were being unfair to her and it was beginning to make me unhappy and angry. Why couldn't I forget about him?

I sat at the desk in my office in the gym, looking through some paperwork and realising it was three weeks since my trip to Boston. The rowing machines should be turning up any day now and I expected to hear something from the delivery company to say when they would be arriving. The previous time I'd ordered equipment from FitWorx, I'd had a call the day before to say roughly what time to expect them. I glanced at the phone and considered calling FitWorx to ask for details and then quickly dismissed the idea, knowing I would only be using it as an excuse to talk to Paul if he was there.

"Damnit!" I growled, slamming a drawer closed in my desk.

"Jake? You alright?" Edward stuck his head around the door a moment later.

"Yeah, I'm fine, take no notice," I muttered. He withdrew quickly and closed the door again.

I spent most of the day in my office and it was just before four o'clock when my phone rang. I'd received a few calls that day, mostly from potential new members, the bank and my accountant. I answered again absently.

"Hello, Jacob."

I gripped the phone tighter to prevent myself dropping it. Fuck, it was him! My pulse quickened and I ground my teeth.

"Forgotten me already?"

"Uh...no...sorry...hello, Paul," I stammered. Why the hell was he calling?

"Andrew wanted me to let you know the rowers you ordered will be delivered tomorrow," he went on. "They'll be leaving the warehouse early in the morning; I'm guessing they'll get to you in the afternoon. The truck has a few drops in NYC, I'm not sure what order they'll do it in though."

"Oh! That's great; thanks for letting me know," I said in relief.

"So, how have you been?"

"Yeah, pretty good, thanks," I lied. "You?"

"Good. Look, I'm gonna be in New York in a couple of weeks, visiting one of your competitors actually. You want to hook up?"

_Shit!_

"I...um...I can't," I said determinedly. "I'm married, Paul."

"Yeah, you said. It's already too late, Jake; you slept with me, remember?" he said huskily. The hair on the back of my neck began to rise and my t-shirt clung to me as I sweated. My heart was banging so loudly I wouldn't have been surprised if he could hear it. My cock began to stir in my pants and I tried to ignore it.

"Well, I can't do it again, I'm sorry," I said, a touch breathlessly.

"You telling me you don't want to? Or you just don't think you should?"

"I..."

"Because I want to. I want to fuck you again, Jacob."

_Fuck, I want that too!_

"Paul...it was a...one night, that's all. I'm not doing it again, ok?" I said firmly, clenching my fist. My erection throbbed painfully, urging me to reconsider. Was he hard too, I wondered? I almost groaned.

"Fair enough; just thought I'd ask. Haven't enjoyed being with a guy so much in a long time. Give me a call if you change your mind."

"Sure," I answered numbly.

"I'll see you. Let us know if you get any problems with the new machines."

He hung up a moment later and I put the phone down, my hand trembling. I said 'no', I reminded myself. I was ok, I hadn't done anything wrong - this time. But my cock twitched impatiently in my pants, telling me that I had two weeks to call him back before he would be right on my doorstep and I knew exactly how hard I was going to find it to resist.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

I arrived at the gym early the next day, spent some time working out and then took a shower before heading for my office to deal with anything that needed my attention. The new rowing machines would be arriving in the afternoon and I planned not to go anywhere until they were installed. A space had already been made for them on the main floor and I looked forward to seeing what the public thought of them. I knew I was going to enjoy using them myself too and Edward was also eager to try them out. However, the afternoon passed and there was no delivery and no phone call either to explain the failure. I assumed the truck had simply been delayed and called Leah to say I would be staying late that day, but when staff and public had all left and I locked up for the night, the machines still hadn't arrived and I knew I was going to have to call FitWorx in the morning to find out what happened.

I spent a restless night, knowing I would probably end up speaking to Paul again and as I stood in the shower in the morning, scrubbing myself briskly, I tried to tell myself that the flutter of nerves I felt was discomfort rather than excitement. I finished in the shower and dressed, then went to join Leah and Sarah for breakfast. The small TV in the kitchen was on and Leah was watching the news while Sarah spooned Cheerios into her mouth.

"Jacob, look at this," Leah said, indicating the screen. "Mack truck jack-knifed on I-95 yesterday. Took out eight cars and closed the westbound highway for most of the day. They say there are six casualties so far and several more critical."

"Shi...hmm..." I turned the curse into a cough quickly and grimaced over Sarah's head. "I wonder if that's my delivery truck." It would certainly explain why the machines never showed up and if it hadn't been that truck, with the highway closed they wouldn't have been able to get through anyway. "I'll call and find out when I get to the gym," I said.

It took me thirty minutes to call when I reached my office. I almost keyed in the number a dozen times, my palms damp and pulse racing, telling myself to stop being such a jerk and get on with it. I might not even speak to Paul and this was about my business, nothing else, but I realised I was eager to hear his voice and almost hoping that he would want to talk to me too.

"Damnit, Jacob!" I hissed under my breath. My door opened and Edward looked in.

"Did you call FitWorx yet?"

"Uh...no...just sorting a few things out first," I mumbled. "I'll do it now."

"I can do it if you're busy."

"I said I'll do it!" I snapped.

Edward flushed and then shrugged. "Sure, I was just trying to help."

"I'm sorry, Edward. Shitty night, I didn't sleep well," I excused.

"Long day yesterday, you should finish up early today," he said and backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

I picked up the phone and punched in the number quickly, hoping that the receptionist might put me through to Andrew instead. She didn't; in a few seconds I was listening to Paul's husky voice in my ear and my heart rate had increased even more.

"Jacob, I was gonna call you this morning."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I was just figuring out how to not come over like some kind of stalker," he chuckled.

"I wouldn't have thought that," I said, surprised. I couldn't believe he would have any qualms about calling me; he oozed self-assurance. "You're calling about the rowers, right? Would have been...I mean...if I hadn't called first," I finished, feeling like a fool.

Paul laughed softly. "Yes, I guess you saw the news? I have six clients to talk to this morning - the first two seem to think closed roads are no excuse for failure to deliver."

"It wasn't that truck, then?" I asked.

"No, our guy was about twenty minutes behind it. He was stuck in the jam for four hours until the cops got themselves together and diverted the traffic off of the highway. By then it would have been too late to get all the deliveries in before some of the gyms closed, so his company recalled him. He's on his way now - I think you're the second drop."

"Ok, thanks."

There was an awkward silence for a moment and I tried to think of something else to say. Really, what more was there to say? I should say goodbye and let that be an end to it, but I wanted to keep him on the phone for just another minute.

"If that's all, I guess I better get on with calling these other companies and do some more grovelling," he said.

"Paul..."

"Yeah."

_I want to see you. I need to see you._

The phone slipped in my sweaty palm and I wondered if I'd actually said that or only thought it. I switched hands and wiped the dampness on my sweats. What was I doing? Contemplating making things worse for myself? The guilt from last time had only just begun to lessen and here I was considering...what? Meeting him again when he came to New York? I shuddered and gulped.

"Jake?"

"Sorry...my manager needs me for something," I lied. "Thanks for letting me know about the machines."

"Call me if you get any problems...or anything," he said. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice and wondered if I was as transparent as I felt. I said goodbye quickly and hung up, then sat back in the chair with a sigh and closed my eyes. What was it about him? Why couldn't I leave this alone? Why couldn't I stop thinking about him...wanting him?

I tried to compare it to how I'd felt after Emmett. I'd longed to call him, to see him again, but it had only been about sex. Up to that point, Emmett had been the best guy in bed - he was huge, muscular, well-endowed and seemed to have endless stamina. I'd barely been able to sit down the next day, but I'd been desperate to go back for more. I'd resisted and I'd gotten over it soon enough, but Paul...there was something else that I couldn't explain and yet I barely knew anything about him.

I pictured him now, on the dancefloor in that club, his tank-top tucked into the back of his pants, sweat trickling down his chest, the top button of his jeans undone and his erection obvious beneath the fabric. He was without doubt the sexiest guy I knew, but aside from that I'd liked being with him, at least during the very brief time we spent together before I fell asleep. I'd actually told him some things about myself and I never did that - I hadn't even admitted to the others that I was married. I leaned forward again and rested my elbows on the desk, dropping my head into my hands and trying to put him out of my mind again. I thought about Leah and Sarah and reminded myself for the hundredth time that I wasn't going to do this any more.

The machines arrived at two-thirty, the delivery guy seeming surprised when I didn't complain about the no-show the day before. Apparently the first company he delivered to had been less than understanding, despite the failure being neither the fault of FitWorx nor the sub-contracted delivered company. I directed him into the building along the coned-off walkway Edward had put in place to keep the public out of the way and each machine was slowly wheeled in on a trolley type device and placed in the position indicated. Forty minutes later the truck had gone on its way and all that was left for me to do was plug in the three machines and test them.

Immediately there was an audience, some gym members stopping what they were doing and heading over to look at what had arrived, while others watched from their cycling machines and treadmills as I plugged in power cords and switched on. Edward appeared a minute later, having changed into shorts and a t-shirt, his astonishingly long legs as white as his shirt.

"Hell, Edward, you need to get some sun on those things," I teased. I always made fun of his paleness and each time he responded seriously as if he didn't realise I was just joking.

"I don't tan well," he grimaced. "I just burn, you know that. You gonna let me test one of these?"

"Sure, take that one," I indicated. "They're ready to go, you just have to choose which programme you want to use. When you sit down and put your feet in the stirrups, it calculates your weight and adjusts accordingly. It'll ask you to key in your age as well."

I sat down on the seat of my machine and started it up, choosing a simple training workout and setting it for five minutes. After I finished the short test, I got up and moved to the third machine. All three were just as they should be and I announced loudly that the new rowers were now open to the public and stepped back to watch the stampede as a dozen people headed over. I watched for a few minutes and Edward hung around to help out in case anyone had a problem setting one of the programmes, but when I checked back later, it seemed all three machines had been in constant use since their arrival, the shark programme in particular prompting some laughs and even a competition between two friends. So far they seemed like money well spent and suddenly the invoice I had received didn't seem quite so intimidating. I made out a cheque to settle the balance and left it on Edward's desk with the invoice to send out.

That weekend I decided to take Leah and Sarah out for the day, to concentrate on them and remind myself what I knew I was guilty of taking for granted. I hadn't stopped thinking about Paul - far from it. He had accompanied me into the shower in my head on more than one occasion when Leah had taken Sarah to school and I'd stood there with my eyes closed, visualising him as I jerked off, telling myself that even though I was only prolonging things, I wasn't actually doing any harm. It was only in my head and I had no intention of seeing him again. The fact that he would be in this very city in one more week was constantly on my mind, but I wasn't going to do anything about it. What was the point? I would only hate myself even more afterwards for betraying Leah once again and it was too close to home. I needed to think about what was important and put it behind me once and for all.

I took my girls to Coney Island on the train. It wasn't a place I would take just Leah, but Sarah had loved it since the first time we went when she was about four years old and we had tried to get there once a year since. In the earlier years a day at Coney Island was all we could afford, although last year I'd finally been able to take them on a vacation. We had spent two weeks in Florida, visiting Disney World, Sea World and Universal Studios and Sarah had begged to go back this year although so far Leah and I hadn't decided on a vacation. I just hoped Coney Island would at least appease Sarah for a while.

It was May, the attractions were all open and the beach crowded, even though the temperature wasn't really high enough to tan or swim. We took Sarah on the Ferris Wheel and the bumper cars, looked around the aquarium and ate hotdogs loaded with mustard, sauerkraut and onions. We finished with an hour on the beach, collecting shells and burying our feet, Leah repeatedly pulling out her cellphone to take photographs. Sarah was clearly having a fantastic time, which had been the general idea, and as we travelled home on the train later, I felt much better about things. I wasn't going to think about _him_ any more; I was over it.

I had almost convinced myself that was true, although I couldn't help wondering when he would be in New York. Another week passed and he had said two weeks, so he may be here now, or already have been and gone.

"I'm back!" Edward's head appeared around my door as he returned from his lunch break. "Are you going out?"

"Yeah, I have to pick up a book Sarah needs for school," I remembered. "Shouldn't take me long." I grabbed my wallet and phone and set out for the book store three blocks down from the gym. It was one-thirty and the sidewalks were busy with people on their breaks, trying to get things done and the book store was equally crowded, but I managed to find what I wanted quickly and was out of there ten minutes later. I began to walk back the way I had come, staying close to the buildings at the edge of the sidewalk to avoid running into people.

A crowd of irritated New Yorkers ahead of me were fighting their way past some kind of obstacle and I slowed down, noticing a line snaking out of the door of the new Thai restaurant and blocking the path into the next store. I'd managed to avoid this on the way to the book store by walking on the other side of the street and crossing at the last minute. I stood still and waited for a space to clear, peering into the restaurant window as I hovered. Leah liked Thai - maybe I would take her there someday soon. It looked like a decent place - tables covered in red cloths, a small lamp in the middle of each, ornate decorations and waiting staff dressed in black and white. I froze as my eyes landed on three people - two men and a woman - seated at a table not far from the window. The woman had her back to me, the two men sitting on the opposite side of the table facing. One picked up a glass of wine and sipped, his eyes lifting and suddenly meeting mine over the rim of the glass.

_Paul._

He was wearing a dark suit and white shirt with no tie, the neck open a few inches. I watched his throat move as he swallowed the wine and then he put the glass down on the table, his eyes still holding mine, one eyebrow arching slightly.

_Fuck. Walk away._

I couldn't move. He looked hotter than he had in jeans and a tank-top and as I stared his lips stretched into a slow smile. I licked my lips nervously and sank my teeth into the lower one, realising it probably looked more like an invitation to him, when his grin broadened. Then he broke the eye contact and turned to look at the man beside him, speaking for a moment before he pushed his chair back and got to his feet. I saw him walk in the direction of the door and then a moment later he appeared outside and strode towards me.

"I didn't expect to see you," he said.

"Well, I wasn't looking for you."

"I'm with a new client," he informed me. "I was intended to be here just to see one of your competitors - Global Fitness - but I guess I'm killing two birds with one stone. That guy has to be the most boring individual I've ever met, but I'm supposed to sell him some of those rowers you bought and hopefully a few other things, so..." He shrugged. "Andrew told me to wine and dine them and come back with an order."

"Good luck," I said.

"Thanks. What are you doing? Lunch break?"

"I was just picking up a..." I indicated the bag. "...a book for...my daughter."

"Ok."

I glanced away from him and through the window, noticing both the man and woman Paul had been sitting with were watching us curiously.

"Your client's looking for you."

"Yeah, I better get back in there; I said you were an acquaintance and I'd lost your number. I'll...see you, I guess." He turned away and my heart sank. He hadn't asked to see me, but he was hardly likely to, I reasoned. I'd told him 'no', hadn't I? I had thought I was getting things back on track, but seeing him now, I knew that wasn't really true. I was longing to feel his hands on me again, his mouth on mine, his cock in me...

_"_Fuck," I hissed under my breath. I was standing there in the street outside a fancy restaurant, my heart racing, my mouth dry and my blood rapidly heading south, watching him walk away from me, his broad shoulders filling out the jacket of the expensive suit, the well-fitted pants only emphasising his muscular thighs. I told myself to get moving, to get back to the gym and concentrate on work and I almost did it. I took two steps, clenching my fists and grinding my teeth, then paused again.

"Paul!"

He halted and looked over his shoulder. A couple waiting to get into the restaurant glanced at us and then turned their attention back to each other.

"What do you want, Jake?"

"Maybe you could call me when you finish with your clients," I heard myself say.

"You sure?" He raised an eyebrow again.

"Well...um...it's up to you...obviously."

"No, it's up to you, Jacob. I'm free to do anything I want," he said meaningfully.

"Call me, then," I blurted quickly.

"Sure. Couple of hours or so." He gave me a slight nod and turned to go back into the restaurant and I walked away on shaky legs, cursing myself just as I'd known I would. I couldn't seem to stop myself. Everything that had happened that night was running through my head like a scene from a movie; the dancing, the way he teased and touched me, urging me to go back to his place, the way he looked on his knees in front of me with his mouth around me, how he felt, pushing me into the mattress. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my sweats, uncomfortably aware that the loose garment would be doing nothing to hide my aroused state. I slowed my stride as I drew closer to the gym, dreading walking in there and Edward making some comment about my appearance. My face felt hot and sweaty and I was breathing heavily, my t-shirt sticking to my spine. I was going to need to take a shower.

I had my own small bathroom attached to my office and I was grateful for that now as I locked the door and stripped off, my erection quivering in front of me. When I looked in the mirror my face was as red and sweaty as it felt. My cock ached and my balls were tight against my body, making me consider getting myself off there and then. I had never masturbated at my place of work - never had any inclination to - but at this rate I was likely to sit at my desk with a permanent hard-on all afternoon. I stepped into the shower stall and turned on the water, closing my eyes and leaning back against the wall, giving up the battle after a few seconds and letting myself imagine Paul in front of me, shrugging the suit jacket off of his shoulders, unbuttoning his shirt. I grasped myself, giving my swollen cock a few firm tugs as I pictured him unfastening his pants, leaving the shirt on but undone, releasing his own erection and stroking it in front of me.

"Oh, God," I moaned. Everything else went out of my head. I wanted him; I couldn't help myself. My heart raced and I panted loudly, pumping myself faster, desperate for release and wishing it wasn't my own hand giving it to me. I finished quickly, painting the glass door in front of me and then angling the shower head to wash away the mess, my hands shaking. I was going to regret it, even more than the first time. Seeing him again would be more wrong because it was planned, I asked for it, to see him. I knew I was being a complete asshole to Leah and Sarah and I had no excuse; I was going to suffer for it later and I was putting everything at risk for what? Another quick fuck in a hotel room that I would hate myself for later and wish I hadn't done?

I turned the water off and towelled dry quickly, pulling on shorts and a t-shirt, realising I didn't have clean underwear and grimacing at the thought of going commando at work. I would have to stay behind my desk or someone was bound to notice. Edward was always particularly observant and knowing him, he would say something.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to look busy although I really didn't have much to do except for dealing with a few phone calls. Each time my line rang I snatched it up, expecting it to be Paul and each time it was a potential new member or a sales person. I hung up from the second utilities provider trying to get me to sign up for their latest deal and immediately Edward buzzed me from his office next door.

"There's a Paul Lahote calling for you. Isn't he from FitWorx?"

"Uh...yeah...put him through, thanks," I said, hoping I didn't sound as breathless to him as I did to myself. The line clicked and I swallowed nervously. "Hey, Paul."

"Hey. You busy?"

"Not really."

"So I finished with the clients. Managed to get them to place an order too; almost thirty grand, Andrew's going to be over the moon."

"Hope he gives you a bonus."

"Sadly I'm not on commission, but we get good benefits. I'll probably get an upgrade on my car at the end of the year."

"What do you drive?" I asked.

"A BMW. Do you want to go on making smalltalk on the phone, or are you going to come meet me?"

"Uh..."

"I'm in the Park Central Hotel," he added. "It's on Seventh Avenue."

"Yeah, I know where it is."

"I'll wait in the bar."

"I'm not sure they'd want me in their bar right now, I only have gym gear with me," I said.

"No one will care, it's the middle of the afternoon. You decide, ok? I'm gonna sit down there, have a couple of beers and see what happens."

"Sure...ok."

"See you." He hung up before I could say anything else and I put the phone down, chewing my lip. I'd more or less made up my mind that I was going to see him and now my excitement began to outweigh my guilt. It was three-forty and Leah wouldn't be expecting me until late. It was Friday and I often stayed to close up so that Edward could leave early and get ready to go out. I got up and pulled my jog pants on over my shorts, grabbed my bag, wallet, phone and keys and opened my door.

"Edward?" I found him in his office poring over the computer.

"Are you going?" he asked, eyeing the bag.

"Yeah, I have some stuff to do. Is that ok? I know it's short notice, I don't want to leave you in the lurch."

"No, it's fine, I can stay," he said with a sigh. "My date for tonight stood me up."

"Oh! Sorry about that." Edward rarely talked about his personal life, only to occasionally say he had a date, but I had no idea if he was straight or gay, in a relationship or not. He kept himself to himself in that regard and the one time I had asked who he was seeing, he had turned red and changed the subject. It gave me the idea he was perhaps gay and didn't want to admit it for fear of an unfavourable reaction.

He shrugged now. "It wasn't that important. What did the FitWorx guy want?"

"Just to check the machines are ok."

"Ok. See you Sunday." I usually took Saturdays off and Edward was quite happy to spend his whole day at the gym. He preferred to have time off during the week when he said he could do things without there being hordes of kids everywhere.

I left the gym and headed to the nearby subway station, only having to wait a minute or two before a train arrived. The journey was short and didn't give me much time to worry or change my mind and when I emerged at street level, I found myself within sight of the Park Central. My heart was banging against my ribs as I jogged across the street and I slowed my steps as I approached the entrance, hoping to God I wasn't going to see somebody I knew. That was something I hadn't considered in my hasty agreement to come here and I slunk into the lobby with my head down. Glancing around quickly, I saw the bar through a glass door to my left and walked in, spotting Paul at the far end nursing a beer. He was still wearing the suit and didn't notice me initially.

I looked around and was relieved to see only one elderly couple in the room, sharing a bottle of wine and talking quietly, their voices covered by the background music coming from the speakers either side of the bar. Paul took a gulp of the beer and replaced the bottle on the counter, then looked around, his eyes landing on me. It was too late now - here we both were. I'd made the decision to go on with this and I was going to have to live with the consequences.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

"Hey." I was about to take a seat on the stool next to Paul as the bartender placed two more beers on the bar in front of him, but he got to his feet, picking up both drinks.

"Let's go over there." He glanced at a small table in the corner of the room, away from the elderly couple and the windows and I took the seat with its back to the wall. "I wasn't sure you'd come," Paul said.

"I wasn't sure I would either," I admitted and gulped some of my beer. My heart was still racing and I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be doing this, even while I watched his throat move as he took a mouthful of beer, followed the caramel coloured 'V' shape of flesh in the neck of his shirt, which was now open a little further, almost to the middle of his chest. My fingers itched to slip inside it and touch his warm flesh, tug on the nipple ring and make him growl.

"At least wait until we get in my room," he said in a low voice.

"What?"

"You're undressing me with your eyes."

I snorted and felt my face heat up, dropping my eyes to the table as I took another gulp from my bottle and tried to think of something to say to him. What did they say about getting a conversation going? Ask a question.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what do you want to know?"

"I don't really know anything about you..."

"What do you want? My bio?" he teased and I shrugged.

"I'm twenty-nine, I grew up on a Reservation in Washington State, went to college in Seattle and moved to Boston to take my first job working for a company pretty similar to FitWorx. They went out of business last year, so I called around to find out what else was available. Turned out Andrew was thinking about taking on a new guy and he invited me over to talk about it."

"You grew up in Washington?" I queried.

"Yeah."

"Didn't you ever go back?"

"There was nothing there for me. Glad to leave really, it rains all the time." He grinned and took another long drink.

"No family?"

"None that I care to keep in touch with. My mother died when I was born and my father kicked me out when I was sixteen. I lived with friends until I graduated highschool."

"Shit, that's rough," I muttered. "Why would he do that?"

"Because I'm gay and I didn't see why I should hide it. He wasn't very accepting, but it's who I am so...you know, if people don't like it, that's their problem. Sounds like your Dad, huh?"

I had told him about Dad finding my magazines, how he reacted and I was surprised he'd remembered.

"Yeah, it does," I said. "Didn't you ever like girls?"

"No, never. When I hit puberty, all I thought about was cock," he smirked. "Getting changed in the locker rooms at school was a nightmare, let me tell you. All those naked butts and dicks around me...fuck!"

I spluttered beer and grabbed a napkin to wipe the table. "Yeah, sometimes I had that problem too."

"But you chose to be with a girl? Would you still be with her if she hadn't gotten pregnant in school?"

"Uh..." I frowned at the table. "I don't know. I loved her...love her; we were gonna go to college together, but we wouldn't have been married. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't been under my Dad's influence; if I hadn't had it drummed into me that my feelings were unnatural."

"I guess we're pretty similar in some ways," Paul said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, except you don't do relationships. Why is that?"

"You don't want to hear all my shit." He drained his beer and put the bottle aside.

"I do, if you want to tell me."

He studied me silently for a moment and then lowered his eyes to the table. "Ok, well...I met this guy in college...Riley. He was a white boy, bit of a bookworm, not my type at all, but I don't know...somehow we clicked. He was in some of my classes and we studied together. We were together right through college up until Spring Break in the final year; shared an apartment after we got out of dorms."

"What happened at Spring Break?"

"He left..."

"Left you?" I prompted when he stopped.

"No, he left Seattle to visit his parents in Tacoma. His car was taken out by a drunk driver; he died before the paramedics could get to him. I heard about it...saw it on the news; his car was unrecognisable."

"Fuck!" I hissed. "I'm so sorry. Didn't anybody call you?"

"No, his parents didn't approve, same as ours; didn't even know about me, so I couldn't talk to them and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him. I went to see his grave about a week after the funeral." He shrugged. "It was a long time ago. Now you know why I do the same thing you do - fuck and run."

"God, Paul..." I reached across the table and grasped his hand in mine. "I'm so sorry," I said again.

"I can't really believe I told you all that. I don't talk about it to anybody."

"It's alright."

We sat there in silence for a long moment and then Paul almost seemed to shake himself, pulling his hand free of mine and shoving his chair backwards. "You want another beer?"

"No, I'm good." I indicated the still half full bottle and he went to the bar to get one for himself. I thought back over what he had said while I waited; he was different from what I'd expected, but I had to wonder why he wanted more with me when he obviously made efforts not to get attached to anybody after Riley. Maybe because I wasn't free so he knew it wasn't going to come to anything.

"Your turn," he said as he returned to the table, his smile back in place.

"What?"

"Your turn to tell me something. Anything. What interests you?"

"Um...baseball. I catch as many home games as I can with my friend, Embry."

"Who do you support? Yankees?"

"Yeah, but he follows the Mets," I grinned. Embry and I had endless squabbles about which team and which player was the best although we went along to each other's games.

"I go to a few games too," Paul said.

"Red Sox?"

"No, the Mariners. I got into it when I was in college and stuck with the team after I left." He took a few more gulps of his beer and I began to relax as we continued to chat about the current baseball season. I was enjoying myself, I realised. I liked him and if things had been different...maybe I could have imagined us together, seeing each other rather than just fucking and running. It was another thirty minutes before we left the bar, both of us rising from the table and heading into the lobby to the elevators by silent mutual agreement.

We didn't speak on the short ride up to Paul's floor, but his eyes burned into me from the other side of the car and my pulse sped up again, my heart beginning to pound as I stared back at him. The door slid open and I followed him down a long corridor, waited for him to open the door and lead me into the room. A quick glance showed me it was a large room with a king bed, a couple of sofas and a wall-mounted TV, a large minibar in one corner and an open door revealing a luxury bathroom complete with tub. I switched my attention back to Paul as he shrugged off his suit jacket and tossed it onto one of the sofas.

"Do you want something from the bar or...?" he asked.

"No." I licked my dry lips. My whole mouth was dry and my heart was rapidly pumping my blood towards my groin, which I knew the gym shorts and sweats wouldn't do much to hide. My eyes slid from his face to his chest, his piercing just visible through the white shirt and suddenly I couldn't wait to touch him; to feel his hands on me. I covered the space between us in two strides and grasped a handful of his shirt, sliding my other hand to the back of his neck as I leaned in and brought out mouths together. I heard his sharp intake of breath and then he was clutching at me, his tongue sliding against mine, lips crushing mine against my teeth. A hand on the small of my back pulled me tighter against him and my erection grew rapidly, pushing against his as it hardened in the smart suit pants and strained to get free.

I let out a helpless moan, breathing hard through my nose as the kiss continued almost desperately, bruising lips and drawing more groans and whimpers from both of us. I released the crushed fabric of Paul's shirt from my hand and felt for the buttons instead, fumbling them undone and yanking the bottom of the garment out of his pants. He grasped the hem of my t-shirt and stepped back for a second, dragging it up until I took my hands off of him and raised my arms. Then my shirt and his were on the floor and I was tugging at his belt buckle with one hand, running the other over his chest, hooking my pinky through the nipple ring and tugging on it. He cursed under his breath and shoved both the sweats and shorts down my thighs, then wrapped a hand around my cock, stroking it firmly, rubbing his thumb over the head and spreading pre-cum down the shaft.

"Fuck..." I muttered, trying to ignore my own desperation while I pulled his belt free and tugged the zipper down, discovering black jersey shorts barely restraining his erection, the fabric clinging damply to him. I released the nipple ring reluctantly and pushed both garments down and he toed off his shoes, awkwardly stepping out of his pants and kicking them aside. His cock pushed eagerly against mine and he grasped both together, rubbing them against each other, panting and groaning into my ear. We shuffled sideways towards the bed, our lips connecting again in another breathless kiss, Paul still stroking both of our cocks and me dragging my feet free of my sneakers, struggling out of the pants and shorts that still pinned my knees together. Paul let go of me briefly and removed his socks and then we were both naked, tumbling onto the bed and pressing together, legs entwined, thrusting against each other in an effort to gain friction, aching to come.

"God, Jacob..." Paul groaned, his fingers grazing my hole as he squeezed my butt, grinding himself harder against me. His cock was leaking onto my belly and he was clearly getting as close as I was.

"Fuck me," I panted. "Please..."

"I won't last long."

"Don't care...I want you..."

He pulled away from me suddenly and sat up, breathing deeply, trying to control himself as he leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed lube and a condom from his bag. I watched through half-closed eyes as he coated his fingers in the slick fluid and moved his hand between my spread legs, circling my hole with the tip of one finger and then pushing it against me. I breathed out and the digit slid in easily, pumping and twisting for a minute before he added a second. I welcomed the slight burn as he stretched me, bucking against his hand and stroking myself slowly, needing the touch but not wanting to finish until he was inside of me. I looked at his cock, the head purple and swollen, twitching and leaking as he continued preparing me.

"I'm ready," I gasped.

He withdrew his fingers quickly with an obscene wet sound and ripped open the condom packet quickly, his hands shaking as he fumbled it onto the head of his cock and rolled it down his length. I pumped myself impatiently as he coated himself in lube and then he was kneeling between my thighs, pulling my legs up and resting them on his shoulders before guiding himself into me. He pushed past my ring of muscle and I hissed through my teeth, forcing myself to stay relaxed as he held still for a moment, then began to slide slowly deeper.

"Oh, fuck..." I moaned. I looked down at myself, my erection quivering and dripping onto my belly, Paul's thick cock half buried inside of me, his teeth clenched in concentration as he struggled not to give in and ram himself into me. Slowly he pushed in further, grazing my prostate and making me buck and thrust against him, effectively impaling myself onto his full length.

"Christ...so tight..." Paul panted. "I warned you this would be quick."

"Just fuck me," I whimpered, jerking myself off more firmly as he began to thrust into me, bracing his hands on the head of the bed behind me and bending me almost double as he gradually picked up speed, snapping his hips forward, balls bumping me, thighs slapping against mine.

He was right about it being quick; with my legs practically over my head his shaft dragged over my prostate with every thrust and I drove myself over the edge with the tight grip of my hand, shooting my load onto my chest and neck and clenching around Paul. He shuddered and bucked erratically against me, cursing and groaning as he emptied himself into the condom. He lowered my legs slowly either side of him and sat back on his heels, slipping out of me and removing the rubber.

"Holy shit," he gasped, half-laughing. "That was too good."

"How can it be too good?" I smirked.

"Because I can't fucking last five minutes." He grabbed a handful of tissues from the box beside the bed to wipe himself and then collapsed onto his back next to me, still panting loudly. I cleaned myself up with more tissues and tossed them aside, then simply lay there beside him, catching my breath, watching him sideways through my lowered lashes as his chest rose and fell, his skin glistening, one hand resting lightly on his belly.

"Not gonna run yet?" he asked suddenly.

"Not yet. I thought you might want to make up for only lasting five fucking minutes," I teased. "Although it was more like three...or two..."

"Fucking cheeky...!" A fist landed on my stomach, not hard enough to hurt, but enough to wind me a little. I played up to it, pulling my knees up, clutching my belly, groaning and panting, rolling onto my side facing away from him.

"Jake? Hey..! Shit, I didn't hit you that hard..." His hand touched my shoulder and his face appeared in my peripheral vision as he leaned over me. I dissolved into breathless laughter.

"I'm just fooling around," I chuckled.

"Fucker." His teeth nipped my ear lobe and then he released it quickly, warm air blowing into my ear as he laughed softly. "You are so going to get it in a minute."

He stretched out behind me, his body molded to mine and one arm resting heavily around my middle. I immediately felt that he was still half hard again and it wasn't long before my cock started to respond, beginning to thicken and rise until it bumped Paul's wrist. He moved his hand slightly and captured it, stroking slowly while his lips and teeth teased my neck just below my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

I had almost forgotten who I was at that moment; it was just me and him and it felt so good - talking, fooling around, fucking. Right then I wanted him so badly and I could almost imagine us in another place; another time where I was free to be with him. I twisted my head around and he stopped teasing my neck and covered my mouth with his instead, kissing me deeply, but without the urgency of when we first arrived in the room. It was just as heated, but in a different way and I melted into it, moaning into his mouth as his hand tightened around my cock, tugging on it more firmly. He broke the kiss and I looked up at him, deep brown eyes staring down into mine.

"Ready for round two?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Don't move." He pulled away from me and sat up and I watched over my shoulder as he grabbed the lube and another condom. I still felt wet from the previous application of lube, but he added more, pressing two slick fingers into me, the sudden intrusion making me flinch and realise that the hastily prepared first time had left me a little sore. "Shall I stop?"

"No...I want you," I said at once. "I'll be fine."

He withdrew his fingers and I turned my head to face away from him, listening to the condom packet tear, the sound of it being rolled onto his cock and coated in more lube. Then he was manoeuvring me, lifting my leg up and moving in behind me, guiding himself into me again. I dropped my head back against his shoulder, relaxing as much as I could as he pushed in, filling and stretching me. His arm rested around me again, his hand stroking my erection in time with his thrusts into me. This time the pace was almost leisurely, our bodies moving against each other with each push and pull making Paul's cock slide in and out only an inch or two at a time. The heat between us built slowly, my orgasm tantalisingly out of reach, the slight discomfort forgotten.

"God, that feels so good," I moaned, arching my back and clenching around him. He growled in my ear and his teeth grazed my neck again, then sank into my shoulder. His hand left my cock and slid up my body to my neck, circling my throat and forcing my head back further.

"Touch yourself," he murmured and then he was kissing me again, warm, wet, lazy plunges of his tongue into my mouth, as his cock continued to move within me. I cupped myself, palming my length and grinding it against my belly, repeatedly letting out small groans and whimpers, my chest tight and lungs straining as my heart raced and I struggled to suck in air through my nose. Eventually he tore his mouth from mine and his hand reached down to grip my leg instead, holding it firmly in its raised position and increasing the speed of his thrusts into me.

"Gonna come," he panted. "So close...fuck..."

I pumped myself faster, rocking back against him, my balls tightening and the base of my cock swelling in my hand as I drew close to the finish. He came a little before me, pulsing repeatedly inside me and then continuing to move, his mouth against my ear.

"Come for me."

I tightened around his softening cock and spilled into my hand, unsurprised by the small quantity of fluid and wishing I hadn't wasted some of it in the shower at work. I released myself and lay panting, exhausted as Paul disposed of the condom and then lay back down, still close enough to touch. I rolled over slowly and rested against him, brushing my lips against his throat and tasting salt. I let myself drift, knowing I shouldn't and that I was in danger of falling asleep, but wanting the moment to last.

"Hey..." Paul's warm breath fanned my cheek and his hand shook my shoulder. "Don't fall asleep."

"I'm not."

"You are. Get up, or you'll be in the doghouse when you get home." He pushed me again and sat up. "You better take a shower."

"Kicking me out?" I murmured.

"No, I just don't want you to be in the shit with your wife. I'm not a homewrecker, contrary to popular belief."

I opened my eyes and sat up. "I seem to remember you calling me to tell me when the rowers would be delivered and asking for round two."

"Yeah, well I guess I couldn't help myself. I'd been sat in my office half the day with a boner." He smirked suddenly. "What time do you have to be back?"

"About ten. The gym closes at nine and I usually give Edward the evening off so he can go out."

"Edward?"

"My manager."

"So what's different tonight? You made him cancel his evening so you could have me?"

"No," I laughed. "Someone let him down." I glanced at the clock on the wall and noticed it was still only six-fifteen.

"Are you hungry?" Paul asked. "I can order room service if you want."

"Only if you're having something."

"I'm always hungry," he grinned. "Besides, that Thai shit was all soup and noodles and little things in batter than burn your mouth to hell. Didn't eat much."

I snorted and got to my feet slowly, my legs somewhat wobbly as I followed him into the bathroom. "So what do you like eating?"

"Anything normal. Steak, chicken, pizza..."

"Pizza? How the hell do you stay looking like that eating pizza?" I teased.

"I have it once every couple of weeks, Jake, not every day." Grinning, he reached into the shower stall to turn the water on and ushered me in first.

"Fuck!" I yelped. The water was freezing and effectively drove away the lingering feeling of sleepiness. I fumbled with the controls, shivering until the water ran warm and then Paul joined me, grabbing the shower gel and squeezing some out before passing the bottle to me. We washed ourselves in silence, dried off quickly and returned to the room.

Paul called room service and ordered two steaks and I put my shorts on and sat on the sofa, suddenly beginning to feel strangely awkward. The afternoon had been amazing, but I began to realise that somehow it had become more than just a fuck, especially the second time. It had been intimate, gentle and we had continually kissed each other. I wanted to kiss him now, as he sat on the other end of the sofa wearing only a fresh pair of underwear, one foot tucked under him and his face betraying the exact same feelings I was having - uncertainty and longing. I couldn't think of anything to say and after a few minutes Paul asked if I wanted to watch the TV and switched it on quickly when I nodded.

The food arrived - two huge plates of steak, fries and salad - and Paul took some beers from the minibar and opened them. We ate slowly, half watching the news and half watching each other with brief sideways glances that only made me more uncomfortable. It almost made me want to leave, but at the same time I wanted to stay until the last possible minute.

"How long are you in New York?" I asked eventually.

"Until Monday. I have to see the other client in the morning and my flight's at two."

_I want to do this again!_

I shoved another bite of steak into my mouth and chewed slowly, wondering how wise that was. I had already gone way past a simple fuck and I was going to suffer for it when I got home. I doubted I would sleep well and I was going to hate myself every time I looked at Leah and Sarah. I had planned to spend some time with them tomorrow, take them to Central Park and play ball games with Sarah. Sunday I was working, but maybe...

I glanced at him again. I was getting too close. I'd had one night with him and then today, but I felt as if the whole thing was getting out of control. If he asked me to see him over the weekend, I knew I would say yes without hesitation and the hell with the consequences and that thought scared me. Two brief days with him and I was considering being with him more important than being with my family? I choked down the mouthful of steak and picked up my beer, draining half of it quickly. I needed to get out of there and busy myself with my girls for the next two days until he went back to Boston.

"We shouldn't do this again," he said suddenly.

"What? Why?" I blurted, my eyes flying to his face and my heart sinking despite what I'd been thinking.

"You know why. It's too much. Fuck and run, remember?"

"Yeah, I'm not gonna have any time over the weekend anyway," I said, hoping I sounded more casual than I felt. "Plans tomorrow and I'm working Sunday."

"Ok."

"In fact, I should probably get home soon," I added, putting my plate down.

"Yeah, good idea." Paul gave me a brief nod and put the remains of his meal aside too. I got to my feet and began to gather up my scattered clothes, looking around the room carefully to make sure I didn't miss anything. As I checked the pocket in my sweats for my phone, it beeped with a text message.

'Did you get my book, Daddy?'

'Yes, sweetheart, I got it. Coming home soon. X,' I typed in response.

"Your wife?" asked Paul, with a surprising touch of bitterness in his voice.

"No, my daughter, asking if I got her book."

"Oh."

I pushed my feet into my sneakers and checked one last time that I had my keys and wallet, picked up my bag and hovered, wondering how to say goodbye to him. He was on his feet, still only wearing his underwear and looking hot as hell and a little wistful.

"Hope your other meeting goes well," I said.

"Yeah, thanks."

I hesitated and then stepped towards him to give him an awkward one-armed hug while I continued to hold onto my bag with the other hand. His arm came around me in response and his lips brushed my ear, then he moved away quickly.

"Goodbye, Paul."

"Bye."

I headed for the door, noticing that he remained facing the other way, not watching as I exited and I closed the door and strode towards the elevators. I expected a shroud of guilt to immediately envelop me and I did feel that way a little, but what was more noticeable was the regret that I was walking away from him. I wanted more and as much as it shamed me to admit it, it wasn't just about sex any longer.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

I hated going home that night. Acting normal was even harder than usual, when I had travelled straight from Paul's hotel to my apartment in fifteen minutes and had no time to collect myself; to push it all to the back of my mind. My head was full of him - how he had looked at me, kissed me, fucked me. The second time hadn't been what I expected and I could feel myself tilting, almost falling; or maybe I had already slipped over the edge. I ached when I walked away from him, knowing it would be unlikely that I would see him again. Somehow I put a smile on my face when I gave Sarah her new school book and later read a bedtime story to her, then snuggled up on the sofa with Leah for the rest of the evening, but I felt miserable, wracked with guilt, wishing I could be what my wife deserved, but still longing for Paul.

I slept poorly and swallowed aspirins and coffee when I woke in an effort to make myself feel more human. Then I spent Saturday with Leah and Sarah, playing ball games in the park as planned and eating a picnic Leah had prepared, but still I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wondered what he was doing; if he was spending the day alone in his room, or if he was taking the opportunity to see some of the city. Was he thinking about me?

I was distant and distracted and I continually fought against it, throwing myself into the game of catch with Sarah. laughing and fooling around and hoping I didn't seem as fake to them as I did to myself. I felt guiltier than ever, more because of my feelings than what I'd actually done. I shouldn't have gone to his hotel - I should have drawn a line under it after I came home from Boston, when I would have had a hope of forgetting about him eventually, but now I'd gotten to know things about him, liked the person he was and I knew I could have loved him if I'd been free to do so. There would be no forgetting about him any time soon.

"Jacob, is something the matter?" Leah asked suddenly.

We were alone in the lounge, Sarah having gone to bed a little while ago. Leah was watching some TV show that didn't interest me and I was sprawling in an armchair, one leg hooked over the arm, trying to take an interest in the show just to think about something else besides Paul. What was he doing, I wondered again? Spending the evening in his room, or going out somewhere, looking for someone else like me? The idea made my stomach churn and I repeatedly cursed myself for letting it go so far that I was jealous. If only he hadn't kissed me like that, held me and been so fucking gentle that I melted. Now I had no idea what to say to Leah, who was staring at me with her brows drawn together.

"No, I'm fine, just tired," I said with a smile. "I didn't sleep too well last night."

"Are you sure that's all? You look sad."

"Positive. Take no notice, I'll be fine after a good sleep." I would be, I told myself firmly. He was leaving in less than two days and that would be the end of it. Let him sleep with whoever the hell else he liked. He wasn't mine and I wasn't free to be his.

"You've been pretty distracted lately," Leah went on. "It's not the gym, is it? You would tell me if there was a problem."

"Leah, I promise, the gym is fine." I sat up straight and looked at her. "Everything's fine."

"Ok. Why don't you get an early night, then? I'll be along in a little while when this show finishes."

I nodded and hauled myself up, slowly heading for the bedroom. I had to get it together I told myself yet again. My efforts to behave normally had clearly failed and I wondered how long she'd noticed I was distracted. Since I came back from Boston?

Ten minutes later I fell into bed. I could still hear the sound of the TV murmuring softly in the other room and I closed my eyes and tried not to think, but it was impossible. I had everything I could possibly want right here and yet I'd put it all at risk and still it wasn't enough. Something that I had thought would be a casual fuck, that I could put behind me for the next year or two, had become way more and for a minute or two I considered talking to Leah; telling her what I'd done; what I'd been doing for years; what I couldn't stop myself doing. What would I say?

'Leah, I have something to tell you. I'm bisexual and I've been seeing this guy...'

It would crush her and tear our family apart, I thought. She wouldn't understand and she would hate me, probably kick me out and then what would happen to Sarah? There were far too many kids growing up with absent fathers and I didn't want that to be us. I so desperately wanted to be a good husband and a good father, but I was always going to be lacking. I couldn't tell her; I couldn't do that to her. All I could do was stop it now, however hard it might be. If I suffered, it was only what I deserved after all. I brushed angrily at my face as tears slid from the corners of my eyes towards the pillow. I knew I would fail; however hard I tried to be what she deserved, I was never going to be that.

Somehow I must have fallen asleep and when I woke, Leah was shaking me and I could smell coffee. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost seven.

"Shit!" I gasped, sitting up quickly. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"You still have time, Jake, I thought you needed your sleep." She dropped a kiss onto my forehead and moved away. "I packed up some breakfast for you to take to the gym."

"Thanks, Leah." I took the coffee mug and gulped some, wincing as I burned my mouth. She left me alone and I got up quickly and dressed, deciding to shower when I got there. The gym opened at seven-thirty on Sundays and I still had enough time.

Twenty minutes later I was on the subway, eating the egg and bacon sandwiches Leah had made for me and yet again, berating myself for everything I'd done. Leah was perfect - everything I wasn't. She let me sleep in when I said I was tired, made me breakfast to take away, took care of Sarah and me and a hundred other things and what did I do? Let myself start falling for someone else.

"You fucking cheating asshole, Jacob," I muttered as I stepped off the train and headed up to street level. Maybe she would be better off without me; maybe she could find someone who would treat her the way she deserved; maybe I should tell her after all. Scowling, I strode up to the gym to find half a dozen guys already waiting outside and I glanced at my watch, relieved when I discovered it was only seven-twenty-five.

"Morning, guys, won't be a second," I grunted, pulling out my keys and the security tag that disarmed the alarm.

I hurried inside, turning on lights and power switches, quickly joined by one of the personal trainers and the two girls rostered to run the cafeteria that morning, all muttering apologies for their late arrival.

"Don't worry about it, I'm not doing any better this morning," I joked half-heartedly and headed to my office. I decided to take a shower to wash away the lingering tiredness, relax until I'd digested the breakfast and then work out for a while. My head was still a mess and pumping weights would at least give me something to concentrate on. I was tempted to give one of the punchbags a good pounding as well.

Ninety minutes later I was working my arms and shoulders, looking around me and watching my clients running, cycling, lifting weights, a new girl in a leotard and shorts taking advice from one of the trainers, everyone enjoying their work outs. I moved to the pec deck and sat down, adjusting the weights and then glancing up in surprise at a pair of very long, white legs disappearing into bright red shorts.

"Morning, Edward." I straightened up and smirked at him. "You're late."

"I'm sorry, I overslept." He tugged a hand through his chaotic hair and bit his lip.

"By ninety minutes?"

"Um...well..." He blushed furiously and I wondered if he'd met someone, spent the night with them. I didn't ask; he looked embarrassed enough as it was.

"It's cool, I overslept too, barely made it on time," I said.

"Oh. You have a visitor," he told me.

"Who?"

Edward jerked his head to the side slightly and I turned my head, my eyes landing on Paul, wearing sweats and a t-shirt that looked several sizes too small for his muscular frame.

"Hey!" I knew my face had probably lit up like someone switched a light on inside my head and I got to my feet quickly. "Uh...didn't expect to see you here," I added, glancing at Edward and noticing he was looking curiously from me to Paul and back again. He gave me a brief nod and walked away and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my stuttering heart.

"Hey. Thought I'd check out your gym while I'm here," he said with a smile.

"You said you didn't want to do this again," I reminded him.

"We're not doing anything...yet."

"Damnit, Paul!" I hissed. My pulse was racing and I jammed my hands into the pockets of my shorts, hoping I wasn't going to start getting hard right there in front of a room full of people. I could see the shape of his nipple ring through the tight t-shirt and it didn't look as if he had underwear on beneath the sweats.

___Fuck!_

"I can go..." He raised an eyebrow.

"Don't." I licked dry lips. "Really, why are you here?"

"Why do you think?" He lowered his voice. "I know what I said, but I couldn't fucking stop thinking about you last night."

"Sshh," I uttered anxiously, while my heart skipped in sudden delight at his words.

"No one's listening. So...are you gonna show me around? Maybe we could work out...looks like you were in the middle of it."

"Yeah...uh...ok." I tried to blame my sudden breathlessness on the weights, but my heart banging against my ribs and my damp palms said otherwise. I couldn't quite believe he had showed up at my place of work. He said we shouldn't do this again and I knew why - the one relationship he'd had ended in heartbreak for him and he didn't want to care about anyone else, and yet he couldn't stay away from me; just as I couldn't stay away from him. He spent last night wishing I was with him - did he have feelings for me?

I struggled to stay calm, pointing things out and giving him a brief history of my efforts to put myself on the map as we walked around and I realised I was probably behaving in the same way I did at home - trying to act normal in an effort to not give away how I was feeling. My pulse continued to race as we finished the slow circuit of the main room and began to lift some weights, both selecting dumb bells and standing in front of the mirrors. I watched his arms and shoulders flex, the veins standing out in his forearms, lips parted as he breathed and I almost dropped my own weights as my hands sweated and slipped on the grips. Paul switched to a bar bell after a while and I did the same, wiping my hands on my shorts before I lifted it.

I was aware of Edward on one of the cycling machines, repeatedly looking over at us with interest and I could only imagine what was going through his head. Could he see something between us? Would he say anything about it? Probably not; he was always reluctant to discuss anything personal.

"I'm done." I put the bar down and stretched. "You want a drink of something?"

"Sure, just some water."

"Let's go to my office."

I could feel his eyes burning into me as I walked ahead of him and I closed the door and leaned on it, unsurprised when he stepped in front of me, his hands coming to rest on my waist and sliding under my shirt.

"Paul..."

He leaned in closer and his mouth covered mine, his tongue plunging in urgently, tasting, exploring, sending my racing heart into overdrive and my blood rushing to my groin. I moaned into the kiss, putting my hands on him, sliding one into the back of his sweats and confirming that he was indeed going commando once again. His cock hardened and pushed against mine through the layers of fabric. Then I snatched my hand back suddenly and braced the other against his chest, pushing him away enough to break the kiss.

"Fuck, Paul, we can't do this here," I groaned.

"We can't fuck, I didn't bring anything with me," he smirked.

"Paul..." I protested again. "...this is just going to make things worse."

"You want me, don't you?"

"Too fucking much," I blurted. "I can't stop thinking about you."

"I'm sorry; I don't want to fuck things up for you." He leaned against me, his hands resting on the door behind me and I slid my arms around him and held on tightly. He felt the same way I did. I wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"You're not," I whispered. "I'm fucking it up myself." I pressed my lips against his ear and he pulled his head back and brought out mouths together again, lowering his hands and tugging my shorts down around my thighs, freeing my erection. He pushed his sweats down and then he was grasping us both, rubbing his cock against my own and grinding against me. I tore my mouth away from his again, panting loudly.

"Christ, don't make me come like this," I begged, thinking of the mess we would both be in shortly.

"I wasn't planning to." He backed off and lowered himself to his knees in front of me and I clenched my fists and ground my teeth together in an effort to keep quiet as he drew me into his mouth. He sucked and stroked, cupping my balls with his free hand, tugging and squeezing gently while his mouth made soft slurping noises as he worked his way up and down my length.

"Holy fucking shit," I muttered.

He chuckled softly, his throat vibrating around me as he worked me faster, driving me into a breathless, throbbing frenzy as I struggled to prolong things, knowing it was a losing battle. Somehow doing this in my office with the threat of Edward knocking on the door at any moment only made it more exciting and I came hard, shooting my load into Paul's throat and cursing in a whisper. He continued sucking on me gently, draining me until I became over-sensitive and pushed him off of me, then he rose to his feet again, pulling my shorts back up and tucking my cock away out of sight. His dark eyes met mine, the pupils blown, the back of his hand brushing my belly as he began stroking himself, his lips nibbling at mine and giving me a faint taste of myself.

"Let me." I replaced his hand with my own and he backed up a little as I knelt down on the floor between him and the door. His swollen cock was leaking liberally, quivering in my hand and I guided the tip into my mouth, swirling my tongue around and then sucking on it firmly. Paul cursed and hissed above me, bracing his hands on the door, his thighs trembling as I drew him deeper into my mouth and bobbed my head, following the movement with one hand and caressing his balls with the other, the same way he had done with me. Determined not to gag, I breathed steadily through my nose, gradually taking him a little deeper every so often until he was bumping my throat repeatedly. I swallowed around him and hollowed my cheeks as I sucked harder, taking my hands off and sliding them around to his butt, squeezing the firm flesh and encouraging him to fuck my mouth. His hips began to thrust back and forth slowly and I could hear him panting and groaning, muttering an almost incoherent string of expletives. He came hard, shuddering and spurting repeatedly into my throat, grinding himself against my face while I gulped and swallowed and breathed hard until he drew back slowly and pulled himself from between my lips. I was panting almost as hard as he was as I pulled his sweats back up to cover him and got to my feet again.

"Fuck...that was amazing..." he gasped. His body rested lightly against mine and I slid my arms around him, feeling heat rolling off him, his t-shirt damp and sticking to his skin. His lips touched my cheek and then he backed away, pulling free of my hold. "I could really use that water now."

Grinning, I walked over to the corner where my water cooler stood and poured out two cups, passing him one and then sinking into my leather swivel chair behind the desk. As the moment passed I was reminded how much of a risk I was taking and I gulped my water, cringing at the thought that anyone could have come to my door in the last few minutes. They wouldn't have been able to get in with us leaning on it, but it would have looked suspicious as hell. I glanced at the door again and much to my alarm, it began to swing open. I straightened my face, aiming to look the same as usual, whatever the hell that was, while Paul lowered himself onto one of the chairs at the other side of the desk and folded his arms.

"Daddy!" Sarah rushed into the room and skipped around my desk.

"Hey, sweetheart," I almost choked.

"Sarah, come here, honey, your Dad's busy," Leah said. "I'm sorry, Jacob, I didn't realise you had someone with you."

"It's ok." I licked my dry lips and struggled to speak. "This is...um...Paul Lahote from FitWorx. He's in New York seeing some other clients and wanted to take a look around my gym."

"Oh, hi! I'm Leah Black, good to meet you," she said at once as Paul got to his feet again. I shuddered as she offered a hand for him to shake and he took it in a firm grip - the same hand which had been wrapped around my cock just minutes before.

"Hello, Leah, it's a pleasure," Paul said smoothly although his face looked a little strained.

"Are you working all day?" Sarah asked me, leaning against the corner of my desk.

"Only until dinner time," I replied absently. My eyes were darting between Paul and Leah, my pulse racing and my stomach flipping over in horror. Surely even a blind person must see the atmosphere; guess something had been going on. Did the room smell of sex, I wondered? Jesus. I could feel my face and neck burning and I prayed silently that Leah would take Sarah away and quickly, or that miracles would happen and the tiled floor beneath me would open up and swallow me, chair and all.

"Daddy, you're all red," Sarah said helpfully.

"I've been lifting weights. I really need a shower too, I wouldn't come too close." I forced a smile and she backed off, pinching her nose.

"Ewww!"

"Sarah!" Leah grabbed her hand and pulled her to her side, then looked at Paul again. "Are you in New York for long? Maybe you'd like to come to our place for dinner tonight?"

___No!_

I froze in horror, hoping that I hadn't said it aloud, my eyes flying to Paul's face. He wasn't looking at me, but I could see that he felt about as uncomfortable as I did, arms folded across his chest, feet fidgeting.

"Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it, but I don't really have the time," he said. "I have a meeting to prepare for and I'm flying home tomorrow. Thanks anyway. I should get back to it." He glanced at me. "You have a great place here, Jake; I'm not surprised it's so popular."

"Thank you," I said numbly.

"Don't hesitate to call FitWorx any time you need...anything." Then he was gone and I was looking at the closed door, my hands trembling in my lap beneath the desk.

"You never mentioned he was coming here," Leah said.

"I didn't know. I mean, I knew he was in the city; he called to check the new machines were ok a while back and mentioned it, but he just turned up out of the blue to take a look around," I babbled.

"Oh, ok."

"So what are you two doing here?" I turned my attention to Sarah and grinned. "You just wanted to see me all revolting and smelly and sweaty, didn't you?"

"Ewww!" Sarah exclaimed loudly again and giggled. "Mommy brought you some lunch; that pasta salad thing with the tuna that you like."

Leah pulled a plastic box out of her bag and placed it on the table. "I know that cafeteria has plenty of good food, but I also know you don't stop and eat properly half the time. Make sure you eat that and I don't want to hear from Edward that he shared it either," she scolded.

"Yes, ma'am! Thanks, Leah." I felt absolutely terrible. If they had arrived five minutes earlier, they would have been knocking on the door when I had Paul's cock in my mouth and it made me realise exactly how stupid I was being. It wasn't just the fact that we'd sucked each other off in my office, but the whole situation. I had told myself the same thing over and over and ignored my head trying to tell me to stop while I still had the chance. Now I was so desperate to have him I would risk everything I had and the thought that he was on his way back to the hotel, that I wouldn't be able to be with him that night and that he would be gone the next day made me feel as if a huge fist had slammed into my guts.

It was Edward who saved me from my current discomfort a moment later, tapping lightly on the door and then sticking his tousled head around it, his face red and sweaty just as mine was.

"Edward! You look like Daddy, all sweaty," Sarah said.

"Oh, God," Leah groaned. "Sarah!"

Edward reddened further and fixed a grin onto his face. "I've been cycling, little miss, it's hard work. Jake, there's been an accident; some girl fell off one of the treadmills."

"Oh, fu...how awful!" I got to my feet quickly.

"She's not blaming us, she was running backwards, some stupid game with her friend. Max told her twice to use the machine properly."

"Ok, I'm coming." I grimaced at the expression and rounded the desk.

"We'll get out of your way; come on, Sarah." Leah ushered her out of the door and then paused to plant a kiss on my cheek. "Eat the pasta." Then they were gone and I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I knew I couldn't go on the way I had been any longer and I had the rest of the day to get myself together. Did I really want to throw away the last eleven years of my life, lose Leah and Sarah, for someone I'd spent only a matter of hours with? I had been full of resolve before and I knew I was weak and selfish for repeatedly letting things happen with him, but this time I would make a proper effort to get things back on track with Leah. I wouldn't give her any more reason to think I had a problem - I would make it work, however difficult it was for me to begin with.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

The woman who had fallen off of the treadmill was full of apologies, despite having sprained her ankle and bruised both knees. She confirmed that Max, one of the personal trainers, had warned her twice to use the machine properly and it was her own stupid fault she had hurt herself. Her friend helped her hobble outside to her car, both of them promising to be back as soon as she was fit again and I heaved a sigh of relief and headed back to my office. I was about to close the door, when Edward placed a hand on it behind me, holding it open.

"Jake..."

"Yeah." I went to sit at my desk and poured myself some more water. Edward closed the door and fidgeted for a moment, looking somewhat nervous. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"You know that Paul guy is gay..." he blurted eventually and then coloured up, which was no surprise. It didn't take much to make Edward blush. I stiffened and looked up at him. What had made him bring this up? It was totally out of the blue and seemed very out of character for him.

"What makes you say that?" I said carefully.

"Well...uh...I just know."

How could he know? My heart began to pound frantically and I felt a little sick. Was I right after all? He was gay and he knew about Paul because...had he been with Paul? Had they been together last night when Paul said he had been thinking about me? Was Paul the one who stood him up? I struggled to compose myself; anything I said could very easily give me away.

"Are you gay, Edward?"

Edward's red face turned almost puce and his neck and ears flushed vividly. He nodded slightly and chewed his lip and it was clear to me that I'd been right - he was worried about my reaction.

"You don't really think that bothers me, do you?"

He visibly sagged with relief and pushed himself away from the door, quickly folding his long frame into one of the chairs the other side of the desk. "I don't know, I've had some pretty shitty reactions to that bit of news before now. You're my employer; I don't want things to be awkward."

"They won't be, Edward, it's cool," I said at once. "Don't think you have to hide who you are with me. I'd like to think that we're friends as well as colleagues."

"Me too. Thanks, Jake," he said with a smile.

"So now we got that out in the open, are you gonna tell me what jerk stood you up Friday night?" I teased, relieved that at least the conversation had drifted away from Paul although I was still horrified by the thought that Edward might have been with him.

"It was nobody important, really. Some guy called Alec; we met in a bar and he asked me to have dinner Friday, but I guess he changed his mind." He shrugged. "Are you sure you don't mind talking about this?"

"Positive."

"Well, I am seeing somebody else now anyway; he seems nice, but then Alec did too. You never can tell."

"That was pretty quick work," I said casually. "So who's this other one, then?"

"His name's Emmett; he works at Global, actually; one of the trainers. We'd met before and exchanged numbers, but I thought I was seeing Alec so...anyway, we hooked up last night."

Emmett wasn't a very common name and my Emmett had been more obsessed with the body beautiful than I was. He was always working out and he'd been taking some qualifications to be a fitness instructor, sick of his old job in a workshop. It was probably the same guy. My nervously skipping pulse slowed down considerably now that I knew it wasn't Paul.

"Is he why you were so late?" I asked.

"Well, he's the reason I overslept. I'm really sorry about that; it won't happen again."

"It's ok."

I studied Edward thoughtfully for a moment, wondering if I could trust him. I could certainly trust him as an employee, but on a personal level? Most likely I could; he'd just confided in me with something that had clearly been very difficult for him and getting anything out of him was worse than getting blood out of a stone usually. Could I, in return, confide in him? Would it make things easier to have someone to talk to? The only other person I was close to was Embry and I would trust him with my life, but he was also married to Leah's best friend. Edward had just admitted he was gay and would probably understand my predicament even if he didn't approve of my infidelity.

"Why did you tell me Paul's gay?" I began.

"Well...uh...I guess I thought...I suppose I wanted you to know about me and I didn't know how to bring it up." He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "I hate hiding myself, you know? Up to now I just thought it was easier."

"Yeah, I know how that is," I nodded. "Edward, can I talk to you...in confidence?"

"Of course you can. I trusted you with my situation; you can trust me with anything you have to say."

I picked up the cup of water and gulped the contents, then licked my lips. I'd never talked to anyone about this - the fact that I was bisexual - with the exception of the guys I'd been with, obviously. I realised I was still fearful of the reaction, just like Edward had been when he opened up to me.

"You can tell me anything," he prompted. "You know how secretive I am; I'm not going to repeat whatever it is to anybody. Besides, I owe you one." He smiled encouragingly.

"Ok." I took a deep breath and just spat it out quickly. "I like guys. I have done since I was a kid."

"You're bi, then?" His eyebrows rose.

"Yes."

"Wow. Does Leah know?"

I groaned. "No, of course she doesn't know. Here's what happened. I knew I liked both before I was with her; my first experience I had was with a boy when I was in my teens. My Dad was fiercely anti-gay and he found some magazines in my room and made me feel like some kind of pervert. The thing with the boy was just casual and then I met Leah, started dating, fell in love...Dad was happy and I figured the guy thing wasn't that important. I was crazy about Leah..." I stopped again and cleared my throat. "To cut a really long story short, she got pregnant in school, her parents practically disowned her, Dad said she could move in, but we had to get married first. We did it to please him more than ourselves, but I figured I probably would have married her anyway later. We planned to go to college together, but it didn't happen because of the baby and I needed to work to support them.

"After a couple of years I realised it hadn't gone away; I was...I wanted a guy and there have been a few one-night stands over the years." I looked up from the desk and met his eyes. "I love Leah and Sarah, that hasn't changed, but I can't seem to put it behind me. If you're gonna condemn me for cheating, do it now. I hate myself for it."

Edward shook his head. "I wouldn't do that. Is there more?"

"Yes, the last guy...I've seen him a few times. It was supposed to only be one night again, but I can't...I can't stay away from him. I'm falling for him, Edward. God, it's such a fucking mess. If I wasn't married, I know I'd be with him."

"He feels the same?" Edward asked.

"I think so." I kept expecting to see shock or disappointment on his face and I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have told him all of that so suddenly. Once I got started I couldn't seem to stop and it was a relief to let it all out. However, his expression was one of sympathy and a touch of curiosity.

"Is the guy Paul Lahote?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Not really, but there was this look between you when I told you there was a visitor. You lit up like a beacon and he looked like he wanted to have you for dinner."

"Oh, God," I muttered.

"I doubt anyone else would notice. I only did because...well..." He flushed again. "I suppose I was staring; he's quite...easy on the eye."

"He's fucking hot, Edward, you can say it," I snorted and then felt my own face turning red. "Well, anyway...I met him in Boston when I went to see the rowing machines at FitWorx. We spent the night together. Then the last few days while he was here..." I trailed off. "I have no fucking idea what to do. I hate what I'm doing to Leah. I told myself when he went back, which is tomorrow, I'd put it behind me and concentrate on my family, but part of me wants to get on the plane and go with him." I dropped my face into my hands with a groan. "What am I gonna do, Edward?"

"I think you need to figure out what you really want from your life," he said slowly. "You can't just forget about who you are. If it wasn't Paul, wouldn't it be somebody else? You said there have been a few. Think about this...suppose you never met Leah, but you met Paul instead...or any guy that you fell in love with. Would you be thinking about girls? Wanting to be with one?"

"Damnit, Edward!" I growled. It was a question I had tried to avoid asking myself, because I honestly wasn't sure of what the answer would be.

"It's something you need to think about," Edward went on. "You don't have to tell me the answer, but you need to be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then it's not just Leah and Sarah you're being unfair to, but yourself as well. Everybody's entitled to be happy and if you're just suppressing what you really want because of your family and what your Dad said to you, maybe it's time you thought about changing things."

"I don't want to hurt them. Ten years, we've been married."

"Don't you think it would hurt them more if you carry on like this for another ten years and they find out by accident? If you can't walk away from Paul and he feels the same way you do, don't you think the situation is going to end up hurting him too?"

"How did you get to be so smart?" I sighed. "You're right. Everything you've said is right." I fell silent, thinking it over and eventually Edward got up.

"Well...I guess I better get cleaned up and get back to work."

"Yeah, thanks, Edward," I replied absently. He left the room and I sank back in my chair. I was still surprised that he had just blurted out his own situation to me, but when I thought about it, it must have been awkward for him when Leah and I had invited him over to our place and asked him to bring his girlfriend, during the times when I knew he'd been seeing someone. He'd made excuses not to come at all and on the one occasion he did show up for dinner, he'd been alone, telling us 'she' was sick and spending the evening looking uncomfortable and avoiding our eyes. He must have felt bad about lying to us, denying who he was and I could imagine the relief he felt in getting that off of his chest and not having me condemn him for it.

I thought long and hard for the rest of the day and by the time I went home, I hadn't been able to decide what to do for the best. I hated the thought of hurting Leah and letting her down, throwing away our marriage and the life we had together. I knew that she deserved more than I could give her, but at the same time I didn't want to lose her and I dreaded opening up to her and having her keep Sarah away from me. I tried not to think about Paul and have him influence me, but it was impossible not to. He would be alone in the hotel, probably thinking about me too and I imagined what I would have been doing if I was free to do it; heading over there the minute I finished work to be with him, tearing at each other's clothes, falling onto his bed, kissing, touching...

"Fuck," I hissed under my breath. I had to try to be honest with myself, like Edward said. What was it he asked me? If I was with a guy, would I be longing for a girl? I tried to imagine myself at eighteen again, meeting Paul in school, dating, falling in love. Perhaps we would have gone to college together, shared a dorm, had friends who supported us. What then? Would I have looked at girls in my classes and imagined myself with them? Would I have fantasised about them and eventually longed for one so much that I cheated on Paul? Not a chance in hell.

"I'm gay," I muttered. But if that was the case, how had I slept with Leah for so many years; loved her so much; made love to her? Maybe because for such a long time I'd been made to believe that wanting guys had been wrong. My head began to ache with the effort of trying to untangle my thoughts and decide what to do and I opened my drawer to grab the packet of aspirin in there, quickly swallowing two with some water.

I couldn't wait to leave work that day and I dragged my feet as I walked home rather than took the short subway ride, wishing I could just have some time to myself, although thinking hadn't really got me anywhere during the afternoon. My heart was pounding nervously as I made my way back to the apartment and I wondered how things were going to go. Even as I rode up in the elevator I hadn't decided what to do and the thought of actually telling Leah the truth about myself scared me. I didn't want to see the hurt and anger on her face, or hear her cry and I dreaded her leaving and taking Sarah. My life as I knew it would be over and so would theirs.

When I walked in, it was the same as always. Sarah was keen to spend time with me and Leah was busy in the kitchen making dinner and I made efforts to entertain my daughter, while guilt and unhappiness weighed me down. Only a few hours before I'd been with Paul and the thought of it made my pulse speed up, while going through the motions with my family made me feel like I was doing exactly that - going through the motions. How had things changed so fast? I still barely knew Paul, but the little time we'd spent together in his hotel and the gym had made me feel almost desperate to be with him. I found myself trying to think of a reason as to why I needed to go out for the evening, even if it meant just seeing him for one more hour, but I couldn't come up with anything and my heart sank when I realised he would be leaving in less than twenty-four hours and there would be no time before then.

The evening passed slowly and when I went to the bedroom, Leah was already in bed waiting for me. I went into the bathroom to get myself ready and when I joined her, she scooted close to me and stroked a hand over my chest.

"Where've you been today, huh?" she murmured. "You've been distracted since you got home."

"Um...I guess I was thinking about some things Edward said to me earlier. You know how secretive he is; he told me some stuff about himself."

"Gonna tell me?"

"I'll speak to him first; I'm sure it would be ok, but I don't want to betray a confidence, you know?"

"Ok." She pressed closer and kissed my cheek. The fact that she wasn't wearing her nightgown made it obvious she wanted to make love and for the first time since I'd been a teenager and we'd been fumbling around in the back seat of Dad's car, I felt nervous. I tried, I really did, kissing and touching her, pleasuring her first the way I often did, but I just couldn't get hard. I stiffened about half way, but when she started touching me, my cock slowly subsided and refused to respond. The harder I tried to get myself in the mood, the more anxious I became until it was clear it wasn't going to happen and I rolled away from her with a groan, both angry with myself and mortified.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, not looking at her. "This has never happened before..."

"What's wrong, Jacob?" Leah asked.

"It's...nothing..."

"It's obviously something. You haven't been yourself for a while now and I asked you if there was a problem; you said you were just tired, but it's more than that, isn't it?" She paused and I heard her gulp. "Is there...another girl?"

"No!" I gasped immediately. "Jeez, Leah..."

"Well, what am I supposed to think, Jacob? You're distant and strange; you're not you. It's like you're an actor trying to be my Jake. You maybe don't realise you're doing it, but a lot of the time you just look...miserable. You look as if you'd rather be doing something else...with someone else. And now you can't make love to me. If it hadn't been for the other things, I'd have overlooked that, thought that maybe you're tired or worried about something and I'd have said it's ok, it doesn't matter, but everything together, just makes me wonder if you met another girl and you're wishing you were with her instead."

She was speaking through her teeth now, her voice low, the way she did when she was trying not to cry about something. I felt terrible and rather than use the opportunity to tell her the truth, I tried to cover it up. I couldn't bring myself to tell her she was half right and that there was someone else, but it was a man. She would never understand and would probably brand me as an unnatural pervert the same way Dad had done.

"Leah, I promise you, there isn't another girl. I've never even looked at another girl while I've been with you. Why would I want to, when I have you and Sarah?"

"I don't know, Jacob, you tell me. I'm not stupid, I know there's something...I don't know what, but something isn't right."

I tried to think of a response, but she saved me the trouble and continued.

"Look, Mom and Dad have wanted to see Sarah for a while, so here's what I'm going to do. School is out for a week soon - a week from tomorrow - so I'm going to take her to visit. Maybe if you have some time to yourself you can figure out exactly where we're going and what you want. I already said it's obvious you're not happy, so I hope you can decide what will make you happy. I love you, Jacob, and I want whatever this is to go away, but unless you can be honest with me, I don't see how it can."

"I'm sorry," I said miserably. "I love you too; I hope you know that."

"Just lately, it seems like you're drifting away from us; I'm not sure any more." She turned away and lay down with her back to me.

I lay there, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, filled with anxiety and self-hatred. She was already hurt which was the last thing I wanted and when she returned from visiting her parents, I would have to tell her the truth. There was no getting away from it now and I knew however hard I tried, I couldn't be something I wasn't. Even if I never saw Paul again, there would be another guy sooner or later.

It was a relief to set off for the gym early the next morning. Sarah was still sleeping and Leah pretended to be, although I knew from her breathing she was awake. I had barely slept and I felt worn out and bad-tempered. It was noon before I even thought about Paul and the fact that his flight was in two hours. He was probably on his way to the airport right now if he wasn't there already and he hadn't called me. He hadn't said he would, of course, but somehow I expected him to have gotten in touch to say goodbye. Perhaps the uncomfortable meeting between him and Leah had made him decide to keep his distance and that thought only made me feel worse than I already did.

It was Edward's day off and during the afternoon I was kept busy with work, even having to fill in for one of my trainers for a while after he was called home to a family emergency, his son having fallen at school and broken his arm. I constantly watched the clock, hoping that Paul would call me when he got back to Boston, but the rest of the day passed without me hearing anything from him. When I eventually got home, Leah greeted me the same way she always did, but her smile didn't reach her eyes and I knew she was only doing it for Sarah's sake.

That night I slept like the dead, mainly due to exhaustion and the next day went by in exactly the same way, only this time I had Edward to talk to and again I confided in him, telling him about the conversation with Leah and that I had made up my mind to tell her the truth. I knew I should have done it right away rather than dwell on it and let her worry about it until after she came back from her parents' and I wasn't sure why I didn't. I had to put it down to cowardice and the ridiculous hope that somehow everything would work out and I wouldn't have to.

By Wednesday I still hadn't heard from Paul and after spending the morning telling myself he obviously didn't want me as much as I wanted him after all, I called FitWorx, my heart in my mouth and my free hand nervously tapping on the desk as I waited for the receptionist to put me through to him.

"Jake."

"Hey..." I found I didn't know what to say to him either.

"You wanted to talk to me?" he prompted.

"Yeah; I'm sorry about what happened before."

"Don't apologise for your family, Jacob, I shouldn't have been there," he said shortly. "I know I said I couldn't stay away, but I was wrong. This was only supposed to be one night; married guys are often the best option for me because it never goes anywhere."

"You know it's more than that," I said. "Isn't it? I can't stop thinking about you either; I want you, Paul."

"I don't want to come between you and your wife; I never wanted that. I guess I was just being...selfish when I saw you outside the Thai restaurant. I don't want this to go any further. It wouldn't be good for either of us."

My heart plummeted and I licked my lips, but I tried one more time; he sounded sad, as if he felt differently to what he was actually saying and I knew well enough how that felt.

"I'm falling for you," I said quickly. "I can't imagine...not seeing you again."

"Christ, Jacob," he muttered.

"Tell me you don't care and you don't want to see me, and I'll hang up now. You'll never hear from me again," I pressed. There was a long silence. "Paul?"

"Don't do this to me! Fuck!" he growled. My spirits lifted slightly at this, but I put the ball back in his court.

"Look...just think about it and call me," I said. "I hope you will. This is my cellphone number..." I reeled off the number, not knowing whether or not he was writing it down. "I'm gonna be alone all next week; my wife and daughter are going to visit her parents." I didn't add that she suspected something was wrong and that I planned to tell her the truth. He had said he didn't want to come between us and I feared that if he knew he already had, he would run away.

"Ok," he said quietly.

"Ok," I repeated and then I forced myself to return the phone to its cradle and end the call. Now I would have to wait and see if he called me.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

I didn't hear from Paul for two days and in the meantime, I was tense and anxious at both work and at home. Things were strained with Leah, as much as I tried to talk to her as usual and I was concerned that Sarah would pick up on the atmosphere between us. Leah planned for them to set off to her parents' house in the country early Saturday morning and had already begun packing some changes of clothes. The journey was only fifty miles and they were to take a train there. It had taken almost a year after Sarah was born before Leah and her mother had begun speaking again and eventually we had started to see them, but they had always made it fairly obvious that they only tolerated me for Leah and Sarah's sake and still condemned me for 'ruining Leah's life', as they put it. Perhaps they were right; I may not have ruined things for her yet, but I was about to.

It was Friday afternoon when I finally heard from Paul. I didn't think he was going to contact me and I felt thoroughly miserable about it, but then suddenly my cellphone beeped on my desk with an incoming text message. Edward was with me, discussing advertising for another person to assist him in managing and although I stared at the phone hopefully, I didn't pick it up.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Edward asked.

"It can wait."

"But can you? It might be him."

I'd confided in Edward again that morning when he asked if I wanted to talk, having noticed I looked tense and unhappy and was hiding in my office. Now I snatched up the phone and opened the message.

'Can you talk? P.'

"It's him," I said.

Edward grinned and got up. "I'll see you later."

"We haven't finished," I protested.

"It can wait. Your mind's not on the job anyway." He gave me another grin and left me alone. With the text, I now had Paul's cell number and I quickly saved it into my contacts and then called it.

"Jake."

"Hey. I wondered if you wrote down my number."

"I remembered it and put it in my phone," he said with a half laugh. "How are you?"

"Pretty shit actually," I admitted.

"Yeah. I've been trying to tell myself to just let it go; this isn't doing either of us any good and it's only going to get worse, but...I still want to see you."

"I want to see you too," I said in relief.

"You know why I've been trying to stay away."

"The same reason I did at first. This was only ever meant to be one night, the same as before, but it's more than that now."

"What about your family?"

"Can we not do this on the phone?" I asked awkwardly. I wanted to tell him everything; that I planned to tell Leah the truth when she came home, but if it made him feel that it was his fault and he didn't want to be responsible, he could hang up and avoid me. If I was with him, we could discuss it properly. "I'll talk to you about it when I see you," I added.

"Ok. I can't be too long on the phone anyway, I'm at work," he said to my relief. "So you said you'll be on your own next week?"

"Yes, from tomorrow morning." My pulse quickened and I imagined myself racing to Boston to be with him, or him coming back to New York.

"Can you get away?"

"I think so. I'll need to check that Edward's ok with covering."

"What would you tell him?"

"The truth," I said. "He knows what's going on."

"You told him?" Paul gasped.

"Yeah, he had something he wanted to get off of his chest a couple days ago. He's gay and had been worried about telling me. He pretty much guessed anyway; apparently you were looking at me like you wanted to eat me."

Paul chuckled suddenly. "Well, I hope he keeps his mouth shut."

"He will; I trust him. So if I can come to Boston, when...?"

"The weekend's better; I only work Monday to Friday. If you could get here tomorrow we could hit that club up again...maybe see a baseball game? Just so happens the Yankees are here playing the Red Sox."

"You don't support the Red Sox," I pointed out.

"Hell, a game's a game. I'll just go with your team."

My heart leapt and my stomach fluttered with excitement. It sounded like a proper date; baseball game, club and then...Paul pounding me into his mattress. My cock began to lengthen and everything else went out of my head.

"Can you hold on while I check with Edward?"

"Sure."

I put the call on hold and buzzed Edward's office. "You want to know if I can hold the fort, right?" he said.

"Do you have a glass to the wall?" I teased. "I hate doing this, taking off and leaving you in the lurch, but..."

"When?" he interrupted.

"This weekend."

"Yes, you're always off Saturdays anyway and Sunday won't be a problem."

"Thanks. I'll talk to you properly in a minute." I went back to Paul. "He's ok with it."

"So, just get here as soon as you can and call me when you land."

"I'm gonna take the train," I decided. "It'll actually be quicker by the time I travel to Newark, check in and wait around."

"Ok, message me when you know what time your train will get in and I'll meet you. I have to go now; Andrew called a meeting a little while ago."

"Sure. See you tomorrow," I said. I ended the call, both relieved and anxious. I couldn't wait to see him, but I was a touch worried about telling him I planned to tell Leah and of course, I was dreading doing that. In one more week, it would be fairly certain that I'd be moving out of the apartment - I would never ask her to leave - and I knew it was going to hurt like hell. I didn't want to lose my family, but I'd come to realise that living a lie wasn't doing anybody any good. Since I acknowledged that I'd spent my life trying to fool myself and that I was actually gay, I knew there was no option but to release myself from the torment of trying to be something I wasn't and let Leah be free of it. I just hoped that she would still let me see Sarah.

I buzzed Edward again a moment later and asked him to come back in. He appeared within seconds and sat down.

"I'm going tomorrow and I'll come back Sunday night or early Monday," I said. "Oh shit, Monday is your day off."

"I'll take Tuesday," Edward said easily.

"Are you sure this is ok?"

"Absolutely. If you held the fort for two days while I spent every minute with Emmett, I'd be over the moon."

"Well, maybe I'll do that, as a thank you," I grinned. He seemed really keen on Emmett and it occurred to me that if it continued, it was quite likely that I would eventually run into the guy, which could prove awkward. I knew I should tell Edward and it would certainly be better now, rather than have him find out from Emmett and be more upset that I hadn't been honest with him. "You really like Emmett, then," I said.

"He's awesome; really down to earth and genuine and funny and..."

"I think I might know him," I interrupted. "Emmett's not a very common name."

"Oh?"

"Does he know where you work?"

"Yes, but he didn't say anything."

"Is his last name McCarty?"

"Yes."

"It is the same guy," I said. "Edward, I met Emmett a bit over two years ago..."

Edward's smile slipped and he tugged a hand through his hair. "Did you and he...?"

"It was nothing, Edward. I met him in a club, we had maybe three or four hours together and that was it. Don't let this spoil things for you, it was a long time ago and it didn't mean anything."

"You didn't see him again?"

"No. We exchanged numbers, but I deleted his and he never called me. I was still in denial about what I wanted."

"Ok."

"I'm sorry," I went on. "I wanted you to know. It wouldn't be fair if he showed up here to see you or we ran into each other some other way and you found out later."

"It's ok. Thank you for telling me."

"Are you sure?" I pressed.

"Yeah. Like you said, it was a long time ago. I kind of wonder why he didn't say he knew you, but we've only seen each other a handful of times. We haven't got to the stage of talking about exes and that sort of thing."

"He probably doesn't even remember me and we're hardly exes - just ships that passed in the night," I said. "So, this advertisement..."

I managed to concentrate on work for a while and Edward went ahead to place an ad in a couple of newspapers and online for an assistant manager. I dealt with some other paperwork and later my phone beeped with another message. I was surprised to discover it was Paul again and I gasped when I opened it. It was a picture of the crotch area of a pair of running shorts with the fabric obscenely tented around a large erection. The message underneath read, 'Look what you fucking do to me!'

"Fuck," I muttered. Immediately my cock began to stiffen in response and I adjusted my pants, thanking God Edward wasn't in the room this time. I could imagine exactly what was inside those shorts; thick shaft, purple head, oozing with pre-cum, quivering with want. I licked my lips.

'So fucking hot, can't wait to have your cock in me again,' I typed and clicked 'send' before I thought twice about it.

'Want to fuck you in the shower,' was the response and I cursed under my breath, pressing the heel of my palm over my erection as it throbbed eagerly beneath the desk.

'Jeez, stop, I'm working,' I typed. The response was a laughing 'smiley'. I put the phone down and did my best to think about the paperwork in front of me. My cock ached and I repeatedly lowered my hand and adjusted it, struggling to resist the temptation to go into the bathroom and jerk off. I was leaking into my shorts and I couldn't get the thought of Paul fucking me in the shower out of my head. The way things were going, we would have to relieve some pressure as soon as I arrived, before we thought about doing anything else.

Eventually, I managed to get myself together and later Edward left to spend the evening with Emmett, promising he would be on time to open up in the morning. I remained alone and uninterrupted until I locked up and then I made my way home quickly. Leah was finishing packing a large bag for her and Sarah and she looked at me sadly as I pulled my shoes off and sat down on the sofa.

"I hope when I come back, we can sort this out...whatever it is," she said.

"We'll talk, I promise," I replied, feeling like a complete shit. I should have told her there and then and I was tempted to. The only thing stopping me was that Sarah was sleeping and I just knew that Leah would yell. It would be better if we could get Marie to take her for a while when they returned so that Leah could yell and scream at me as much as she wanted without upsetting Sarah. "I'm gonna take a shower." I got up and went into the bathroom, quickly scrubbing myself and putting on a pair of pyjama pants to sleep in. Leah stayed in the living room for a while longer and then came to the bedroom, lying stiffly with her back to me as she had done for the past few days.

Leah rose before me in the morning and I stayed in bed while I listened to her waking Sarah and getting breakfast for the two of them, chattering about the trip to see Gramps and Gramma, Leah explaining that I couldn't get away from work this time to go with them. I got up and dressed quickly, knowing they planned to leave at eight o'clock to get the train.

"Do you want me to go with you to the station and carry that bag?" I offered.

"No, thank you," Leah said coldly.

"Ok. Call and let me know when you get there."

"I'll text." She turned away from me and began to clear away the dishes from breakfast. I was surprised by the way she spoke to me. I knew she was upset and worried, but she'd maintained things as close to normal as possible up to now and I wasn't sure what had changed. Perhaps she sensed that the 'talk' wasn't going to result in us getting back to the way things had been.

"Are we going yet, Mommy?" Sarah came out of her room with her knapsack, the head of her favourite toy sticking out from under the flap.

"Five minutes. Go to the toilet, honey, and brush your teeth."

"Ok." Sarah dumped her bag beside Leah's and disappeared again.

"Have a safe trip," I said quietly.

"We're going on the train, Jacob; what's going to happen?" she almost spat at me.

"Leah..."

"Just don't. We'll talk when I get back."

"Fine."

She glared at me and grabbed a coat from the hook by the door. She was clearly inwardly seething and I wished I could have said something that would have made things better. Rather than being cool and distant, she was furious. I watched in silence, planting a smile on my face when Sarah came out of the bathroom and scooping her off her feet in a bear-hug.

"Gonna miss you," I said.

"I'll miss you too, Daddy. I'll bring you a present."

I gave her a kiss and placed her back on her feet, feeling horribly as if I was saying goodbye for the last time. Pretty soon I would be doing just that, at least with Leah, and suddenly my excitement over seeing Paul was swamped by regret and guilt and sadness. For a little while after they set off, I was in two minds about actually going to Boston, fearing that my current mood might be difficult to shake off and not wanting Paul to see me like this, moping, but in the end the thought of being with him won out. More than anything, I just wanted to feel his arms around me and I went to pack an overnight bag quickly, choosing a shirt and jeans suitable for a club, sweats and t-shirts, clean underwear and toiletries. I was wearing cargo pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt and now I grabbed some coffee and quickly checked train times on my phone. There was one leaving for Boston at nine o'clock and I decided to take it. It was the express which took a little over three hours and I booked a ticket to save myself time, gathered up bag, phone, wallet and keys and set off.

The subway took me to the station in a few minutes and my train was already in, with passengers boarding. I found a seat quickly, stowed my bag under it and sent Paul a text to tell him what time I was due to arrive in Boston. He didn't answer right away and an hour passed before I heard from him, saying he would meet me off the train.

I spent the rest of the journey in a turmoil of feelings - anxiety about Leah's temper that morning and the prospect of admitting to her that I had hidden my true self from her for eleven years, and eagerness to see Paul, to kiss him, hold onto him, tell him I would soon be free to be with him properly. I just hoped that would be what he wanted too. As much as he avoided relationships, he didn't seem able to stay away from me and I hoped he felt as strongly as I did. If he was willing to give it a try, then maybe I would finally have a chance at being truly happy.

About an hour from Boston I received a text from Leah, saying simply, 'Arrived at parents,' and that was all. I didn't answer, unable to think of anything to say at that moment. It seemed terrible that only a short time ago we had celebrated our anniversary and now we were about to part, only she didn't know it yet; or maybe she did. Maybe she suspected that our talk upon her return wouldn't result in me telling her what she wanted to hear.

My train pulled into the station in Boston at twelve-twenty and I was on my feet waiting by the door at the front of the line of passengers ready to get off before it had stopped moving. I hurried down the steps and looked left and right, but I didn't see Paul. I decided to head for the exit and then stand there and wait, but as I made my way towards it, he appeared suddenly, walking briskly, looking around him the same way I had been doing. He was wearing impossibly tight faded blue jeans, a thin sweater and boots and I changed direction quickly and strode towards him, my stomach filling with butterflies and my heart beginning to pound. All the worries I had been having faded away and when he noticed me a second later and grinned, I was already beaming from ear to ear.

"Paul..." Regardless of who might be observing, I dropped my bag and flung my arms around him and immediately felt him return the hug, crushing me against him.

"Miss me?" he teased.

I pressed my face into his neck and didn't answer. My eyes stung and I squeezed them shut for a moment, surprised by how overcome I suddenly felt. I took a deep breath and pulled back a little.

"You alright?"

"Yeah."

His lips brushed over mine and lingered for a moment until a voice drove us apart.

"Fucking fags!"

Paul turned around and sneered at the leather-clad guy with a dozen piercings on his face. "Suck my dick," he retorted and I suppressed a laugh with difficulty and picked my bag up. The guy spat something unintelligble and walked away.

"He's just jealous," smirked Paul.

We began to walk out of the station and he led the way into the parking lot, pulling out a set of keys as we approached a sleek black M3.

"Nice. And you want an upgrade?" I said as I slid into the passenger seat.

"Not really, I'll just take a bonus." He gunned the engine and a few minutes later I recognised the street where my hotel had been and Quentin's a little further down.

"Are we going to your place?" I asked.

"No, I figured we'd get some lunch if you're hungry..."

I nodded.

"...then head to the ballgame. If we go to my place right away we'll probably not get out of the door again all weekend," he grinned.

"Yeah, that's probably true."

"Plus we have some stuff to talk about before we get into anything."

I sighed. "Yeah, I know. I wanted to do it in person rather than on the phone. I thought you might not hear me out..."

He glanced at me for a second and then turned his attention back to the road. "What's going on, Jacob?"

"I'm gonna...um...when Leah comes back I'm gonna tell her that I'm...um..."

"Fuck, Jacob, don't make this about me," Paul groaned. "I said I didn't want to come between you."

"It's not about you. I mean, it is and it isn't. Look...when I talked to Edward the other day it made me think about things properly; things I've been trying to avoid for years."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm gay. I always convinced myself I must be bi because of Leah, but I'm just lying to myself."

He looked at me again briefly and then suddenly swerved the car into a side street and parked up so that he could focus on me rather than the traffic.

"Sorry, go on."

"I realised I can't live like this any more. I think if I hadn't been made to feel like some kind of perverted freak by my Dad, I wouldn't have been looking for a girl when I was sixteen or seventeen. At the time it felt like what I wanted and I was in love with her; I still love her, but it's not right. Most of the time I hate myself because I'm being a complete shit to her when she doesn't deserve it. I'm not totally happy either and it's time I was honest with everybody. I don't know if I was just too gutless to admit it before, or if I was too invested in being...what everyone expected." I stopped and waited for him to speak. I hadn't expected this conversation to start so quickly, but at least getting it over with would mean one less thing to worry about during the weekend.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked. "I mean, you've been with other guys...didn't you ever consider this then?"

I shook my head. "I convinced myself I just needed one little taste and then I could put it behind me for a few more years."

"So why now?"

"You know what I said on the phone," I said, feeling my face heat up a little. I suddenly wasn't sure if he would respond in the way I hoped and I didn't want to repeat the words.

"Yes, and believe me, that's the only reason I got in touch with you yesterday. I was trying to talk myself out of it and you know why. I don't want to end up falling for you and then lose you and that could easily happen if you decide you want to go back to playing happy families. I don't need another kick in the balls like that."

"That wouldn't happen," I said firmly. "Even if Leah doesn't file for divorce right away and hate me for the rest of her life, I can't pretend any more."

"What about your kid?"

"That's gonna be the hardest part. I hope Leah will still let me see her, but I won't know until she gets back and we talk about it."

Paul sighed heavily. "You know this isn't just going to be straight-forward. You say you love her and after ten years or however long it is, you won't just walk away and be over it."

"I know that."

"I don't want to be the consolation prize in this, wondering if it's really me you want or if I'm just the bad guy that made you realise your marriage is a lie."

"You wouldn't be," I said earnestly. "I want you, so much. Being with you feels...right. I want to be free to enjoy this, rather than feeling fucking guilty that I can't stop thinking about you. I guess that depends on you, though. Whether you actually want more than just a few casual fucks."

"I think we both know it's already more than that." His lips twitched slightly and he stared at me silently for a long moment, then looked away. "So did you jerk off over that picture?"

"I was sorely tempted, but I managed to save it." I relaxed at last, relieved that the conversation seemed to be over and he hadn't told me to get back on the train and go home. "I want you to fuck me in the shower," I added, repeating his text.

"Jeez, now you know that's all I'm gonna be thinking about during the fucking ballgame," he snorted. "C'm'ere!"

I released my seatbelt and leaned towards him as he did the same and our lips mashed together, Paul's tongue thrusting into my mouth. I raised a hand to his neck and kissed him back hungrily, sliding my tongue against his and moaning into the kiss as my blood rushed to my groin. Then his hand was there, stroking me through the loose pants, coaxing my semi-erection easily into a full hard-on. I covered his hand with my own and pressed it harder against me, bucking my hips up and grinding against his palm. He broke the kiss, his breathing as rapid as my own and when I glanced down, I could see his obvious erection straining against his zipper.

"Christ," he whispered, pulling his hand free. "I fucking want you right now."

"I think we'd get arrested," I grinned, indicating a cop in the distance strolling along the sidewalk towards us.

"Fuck it." Paul leaned back in his seat, clipped his seatbelt in place and started the car again. In a second we were turning out of the street and heading away from the centre of the city, part of me hoping he had changed his mind and we were going to his apartment, but my empty stomach rumbled loudly, indicating it needed attention before my cock. Paul laughed and glanced over at me. "I thought we'd just get burgers for now and have a proper meal after the game. Are you fit to be seen yet?"

"More so than you," I replied, glancing at his crotch which was still bulging obscenely. His jeans were so tight that I could see the outline of the head of his cock and a small spot of dampness which had seeped through the fabric. "Don't you ever wear underwear?"

"Usually only at work. Maybe we'll just use the drive-through."

"Probably a good idea."

A few minutes later we pulled up outside the window of a fast food restaurant and Paul lowered the window. "What do you want?"

"Anything; whatever you're having."

He ordered two loaded double hamburgers, fries and coke and then drove around to the parking lot where we sat eating, the food mercifully taking our minds off sex, at least temporarily. When we were done I got out of the car to dump the cartons in the trash and then we were on the road again, heading for the ball park. I sat there with a grin on my face, deciding to let myself enjoy the weekend as much as I could and try not to worry about anything else until I got on the train to go home. It felt as if I was finally getting to do something that I'd longed for my whole life and I meant to savour every minute, because when I went home, I didn't know when I would get to see him again.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

We spent the next few hours at the ball park, cheering on the Yankees who I was delighted to see take the upper hand almost from the beginning. Paul was fun to spend time with like this and he seemed pretty happy to be with me. While watching the game, we talked more about ourselves and I learned that he had been on the football team at school, considering playing professionally for a while until he realised he was more interested in fitness training. He told me about college and the friends who had taken him in when his father kicked him out at sixteen. He already knew about what had happened to me since I was eighteen, but I filled him in on what my life had been like as a kid, Dad's treatment of me and my brief interlude with Jared.

By the time the game ended the afternoon was over and we headed back into the city to leave my bag at Paul's apartment and park his car, me taking the opportunity to change clothes and Paul exchanging the sweater for a shirt before we set off on foot to a bar for a couple of beers. From there we went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner, ordering fajitas and a jug of beer. We had never had much time on the few occasions we'd seen each other before and it had only really been about sex, but this was different. The more time that passed in his company, the more I fell and any lingering uncertainty I might have had quickly vanished.

"So, do you want to head over to Quentin's when we leave here?" Paul asked then.

"Sure," I grinned.

"How did you end up in there last time? You looked ready to bolt for the door when I spoke to you."

"I was in a bar across the street. I'd been in my hotel room most of the day, bored out of my mind and I decided to just have a beer and then go back. I was looking out of the window at Quentin's and told myself I wasn't going in, but when I left the bar, I just kind of drifted over there."

"Trying to be a good boy," Paul teased. "You were nervous as hell."

"I wanted you," I said. "I was thinking about you and then suddenly there you were and I was trying to talk myself out of it."

"You were thinking about me?"

"Don't tell me you weren't trying to catch my attention at FitWorx, pulling your shirt up to wipe your face."

He smirked and his eyes sparkled. "I was testing the water. I swear there was drool on your chin."

"You do have a high opinion of yourself."

"Not so much. You left after the meeting and I thought maybe I was losing my touch and imagined it. Sure as hell didn't expect to see you in the club." His hand lowered beneath the table and came to rest on my thigh as we sat side by side. "You want dessert or shall we head over there?"

"I've had enough to eat," I said quickly and he grinned wider.

"Do you think you can keep a straight face if I get you off under the table?"

"Fuck, don't!" I hissed under my breath.

"I'm just teasing you." He gave my thigh a squeeze and removed his hand, calling for the check. My pulse had already quickened and my cock began to twitch as I thought about him touching me. I almost suggested giving the club a miss and going straight back to his apartment, but at the same time I was looking forward to dancing with him again. I pulled out my wallet to pay the check, insisting that I get it as he had paid for the food earlier and the ballgame tickets. Then we left quickly and walked the few blocks along the street to Quentin's. It was earlier than when I'd been in before, but on a Saturday night there was already a decent crowd. Paul got two beers from the bar and we found a space to stand while we drank and shouted at each other above the music.

"You gonna dance with me?" he said loudly some time later when he had put his second empty bottle down.

"If he won't, I will!"

Both of us turned to look at the blond guy with his hair all spiked up, lips pouting, wearing a shirt so tight the buttons were almost pulling away from the fabric.

"Fuck off," Paul responded.

"Nice!" The young guy disappeared and I grinned.

"That wasn't very polite."

"I know; I mean, how dare he interrupt us?"

"I meant you!" I punched him lightly in the shoulder.

"Oh, you'd rather I danced with him? Where'd he go?" Paul turned around as if looking for the guy and I snorted with laughter.

"Are you always like this?"

"You'll find out if you see me more often. Come with me." He grasped my hand suddenly, lacing our fingers together, and I quickly put my beer bottle down before he tugged me towards the dancefloor. As soon as we reached a space amongst the dancers, he released my hand and grabbed me by the hips, drawing me towards him. The song blasting out of the speakers sounded much like all of the others that had gone before it. No longer awkward like I had been the first time we had been here, I draped my arms around Paul's neck and began to move with him, our bodies brushing against each other only lightly at first. Every so often Paul's crotch would bump my thigh and I could feel that he was hard, his cock straining against the crushing tightness of his jeans. His hands lowered to my butt suddenly, bringing us closer together, pressing my own restrained erection against the top of his thigh. We continued gyrating to the music, almost humping each other's legs as we moved and I was unable to suppress my grunts and groans as my cock was repeatedly rubbed by his firm thigh muscle.

"Turn around." The song had changed and he pushed me away from him suddenly. I turned and then his hands were on me again, one resting on my stomach and the other fumbling with my shirt buttons while his body pressed up against my back. I could feel his erection against my butt and I shuddered with longing, my own aching for release as he slid his hand inside my half open shirt, stroking my chest and pinching one of my nipples. I rolled my head back against his shoulder with a groan and his lips brushed my ear.

"Fuck, Paul, don't do this here," I begged as his teeth nipped my neck and his hand resumed its battle with my buttons, freeing the last few and then gliding lightly over my crotch. I didn't dare open my eyes and look at the other dancers who were surely staring.

"Tell me you're not enjoying this." He stroked me for a moment and then his hand returned to my stomach, making my muscles jump under his touch. "I'm so hard for you right now...dying to fuck your tight ass..."

"Oh, God," I groaned. I forced myself to pull away from him and turn around again. "You are such a fucking tease."

"You know I'm not. Just getting you in the mood." He gripped the back of my neck and drew me closer again, his tongue snaking out and teasing my bottom lip for a second.

"Jesus, Paul, I'm so in the mood it'll be over before it starts."

He chuckled in my ear and bit the lobe gently.

"Don't you care about people looking?"

"No, they're just jealous. Do you?"

"Maybe a bit."

"I'm obviously not doing a good enough job at distracting you." He wedged a thigh between my legs and his mouth covered mine suddenly, lips crushing mine and his tongue plunging in. I moaned into the kiss and ground myself against him a little, deciding I ought to do a little teasing of my own. I removed my hands from his neck and began to unfasten his shirt, quickly slid my hand inside, feeling for the nipple ring and tugging on it gently. He broke the kiss and growled into my ear. "Fuck...getting your own back?"

I laughed and pulled on the ring again, twisting it a little and looking down at the hard nub that it was attached to. Paul groaned and ran his hand down my body, removing his thigh from between my legs and placing his hand there instead, cupping my balls through my jeans and squeezing.

"Oh, God, don't!" I took my hand off him and returned it to his shoulder and he smirked, meeting my eyes, his fingers firmly rubbing the base of my cock. "Please..." I begged.

"How long before you come, I wonder?" he grinned.

"Not long. Fuck, Paul, I don't want to come in my pants."

Mercifully he removed his hand and placed it on my waist instead. "Wanna come in my mouth instead?"

"What, here?"

"There are some places we can get out of sight." Before I could answer, he had grabbed my hand again and was striding off the dancefloor. I hurried along with him, grimacing at the discomfort of my painfully hard cock pressing against my zipper, trying to adjust it with my free hand as I walked. We headed into a corridor that led to the restrooms and continued past the two doors to the far end where a third door was marked 'storage'. Outside it stood a tall stack of empty beer crates and there was just room for me to stand against the wall beside it, out of sight of anyone going to and from the restrooms. They would still be able to see Paul, however, but I couldn't bring myself to protest as he unzipped me quickly and dropped to his knees. He tugged my leaking cock free of my shorts and in the next second it was encased in the warm, wet cavern of his mouth. My knees trembled and I clutched at his short hair, clenching my teeth and doing my best not to moan too loudly as his head bobbed up and down, his hand following the movement of his mouth.

I knew I didn't have a hope in hell of lasting more than a couple of minutes and I didn't try; I was desperate to come and I looked down, the sight of his mouth around my cock only adding to my arousal. His lips and tongue worked me rapidly and heat coiled in my belly, my balls tightening as my orgasm drew closer. He lowered his head until his nose brushed my pubic hair, his throat swallowing around me and pushing me over the edge. My cock pulsed repeatedly as my balls emptied, a deep groan bursting from me which would easily have been heard by anyone near to the restrooms.

"God...stop..." I panted, the head of my cock unbearably sensitive as he continued sucking on it. He released me and got to his feet, adjusting his jeans while I quickly zipped myself up. "Do you want me to do that?" I asked, but he shook his head.

"I want to be fucking you when I come. I can wait."

We returned to the club and made another beer each last half an hour, during which time I took advantage of the fact that Paul had relieved some of my pressure and teased him every so often, keeping him in a constant state of arousal until he couldn't stand it any longer.

"You're fucking killing me here!" he growled in my ear as my hand stroked his abs, repeatedly drifting to the top button of his jeans and then moving away.

"You wanted to wait," I reminded him.

"I didn't expect you to torment me for the rest of the night!" He lowered his voice with a smirk. "I need to come so badly it hurts. Let's get out of here."

Fifteen minutes later we climbed out of the cab outside the apartments where Paul lived and rode up in the elevator. He had calmed down a little since we left Quentin's, but as soon as he unlocked his door, he was pulling his shirt off and tossing it onto the couch, unfastening his jeans on the way to the bathroom. I toed off my shoes and removed my own shirt, placing it on the chair in the corner of his bedroom. He was taking a piss and I waited in the bedroom for a moment until he was done. Then he kicked off his boots and wriggled the tight jeans down his legs, his semi-hard cock quivering in front of him.

"Still want that shower?" he asked with a grin.

"Are you kidding?"

He turned the water on and stepped into the large stall, leaving me to finish undressing and join him. I quickly used the toilet too first, struggling to empty my bladder as my cock began to stiffen, Paul's naked form visible in the mirror above the sink next to me. By the time I joined him, his erection was rigid against his belly and he was soaping himself slowly, the water angled away from him. I stepped under it, closing my eyes as the hot spray needled me, relishing the feel of it cascading down over my chest and belly. Paul's hand touched my shoulder and I opened my eyes again as he began to turn me around to face the tiled wall.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think?" He reached up to manoeuvre the water jet away from me, then picked up a bottle of shower gel and squeezed some into his hand, lathered it up between both palms and reached around me to wash my cock, the other hand stroking over my butt and probing into my ass crack. I parted my legs with a groan and leaned forward to rest my forehead against the wall, shuddering as he took his time washing me and then rinsing. I noticed a bottle of lube standing beside the shower gel on the small rack to my left, a condom packet tucked into one corner. He had planned this and my cock twitched in his hand, eager for more than just idle touching.

He took his hands off of me and I glanced behind me, watching as he kneeled down behind me, pushing my legs further apart and reaching between them to caress my balls and the base of my cock.

"Fuck," I muttered.

"All in good time."

I laughed and then gasped as he spread my buttocks apart, squeezing the firm flesh in both hands. I imagined that my hole must be completely exposed to him and my face warmed while my pulse quickened, heart pounding against my ribs. His lips touched me at the base of my spine, sending chills all the way up to my neck and then I felt his tongue touch my skin and move lower.

"Oh, God," I moaned. He was licking me, right there, the tip of his tongue circling my hole, pushing at it, making me clench and quiver, nervous with this new intimacy. No one had ever done that to me before and my legs shook, my ass twitching slightly.

"Relax." Warm breath blew onto my damp flesh and I shuddered as he resumed licking me, taking one hand off of me and stroking back and forth over my perineum, applying slight pressure until my muscles relaxed and I breathed out. The tip of one finger pushed against me and slipped inside an inch or so, thrusting gently in and out and then withdrawing. Then his tongue was on me again, the tip probing in where his finger had been, pulling out and swiping up and down my crack, returning to my hole and tasting me again.

"Holy shit!" I yelped. I lowered one hand to my throbbing erection and grasped it loosely, giving it a few pumps and then stopping, realising I was in danger of coming again before he even began fucking me. He continued for a few more minutes until I was a trembling, babbling mess, the sensations his tongue created almost indescribable. I was panting loudly, tugging on my balls to stop myself losing it when he drew back and rose to his feet.

"You like that, huh?"

"Fuck!"

He chuckled and reached for the lube. "Ready for my cock?"

"Please..."

I leaned weakly against the wall, water still spraying down my right side, my eyes down watching a bead of pre-cum seep from my cock and drip onto the tiles as Paul firmly pushed one well-lubed finger into my slightly stretched hole, thrust in and out a few times and then added a second. I moaned loudly, clenching around his fingers and he stepped closer, lightly stroking my shaft with his free hand and grinding himself against my hip. I could feel the heat from his erection and I switched my gaze from my own, noticing him leaking as desperately as I was.

"Fuck, I'm so close already," he groaned suddenly.

"You should have let me suck you off in the club."

"Nah, I've been thinking about doing this." He pushed a third finger carefully into me and I winced. "At least we have more time to take it slow later. Is this hurting?"

"Not much." I breathed slower, both to make myself relax and to try to delay my orgasm.

"You're so hot inside...need to fuck you..." His fingers worked their way deeper and bumped my prostate.

"Shit!" I squirmed against his hand, groaning in protest as he withdrew almost to the fingertips. He continued for another minute or two, slowly stretching me more and then suddenly he stepped away and picked up the condom, fumbling with wet hands to get it out of the packet and roll it onto himself. I grabbed the lube, squeezing some into my hand and half-turning to coat his sheathed cock before facing the wall again, planting my feet apart and breathing out as I felt the blunt head push against me. He eased in slowly, taking his time to let me stretch to accommodate him. He took a step backwards as far as the shower stall would allow and pulled my hips towards him, making my back arch and his length drag over my prostate as he bottomed out.

"Christ...you're so fucking big..." I panted.

"You're complaining?" He leaned over me and growled into my ear.

"No! God...fuck me, Paul...you feel so good...need to come...make me come..." I whined.

He began to move again, slowly at first, shallow thrusts with both hands resting on my hips. Then suddenly he was ploughing into me, his thighs slapping against mine, balls bouncing, reaching around me with one hand to jerk me off. I leaned helplessly on the wall, taking my weight and some of his with my arms, bucking my hips back and forth in an effort to fuck his fist and impale myself harder onto him at the same time. Neither of us were able to keep it up for very long. My balls tightened and heat spread out from my groin as my orgasm crashed through me, my ass tightening around Paul as I shot my load onto the wall in front of me. He came almost immediately, grinding and bucking erratically against me, his cock pulsing within the condom and loud groans and curses issuing from his mouth.

He pulled out of me slowly and disposed of the condom and I turned around, panting for breath as we rinsed ourselves down again under the still hot water. Paul turned it off after a moment and stepped closer to me, still breathing as hard as I was.

"Mmm, that was so good," he murmured, brushing his lips over mine. "Glad you don't have to rush away this time."

"Me too." I slid my arms around him and hugged him against me for a moment, before he pulled free and grabbed a towel, passing it to me and picking up a second for himself. We dried off quickly and went into the bedroom, stretching out on top of the covers. Paul lay flat on his back and I did the same for a moment, then rolled over and snuggled against his side, my head resting on his shoulder. His arm curled up around my neck and his lips pulled up at the corners in a lazy smile. I stroked my hand over his chest, feeling his heartbeat under my palm, lightly flicking the nipple ring with one finger.

"Did this hurt?"

"Not really. Why, are you thinking about getting it done?"

"No," I grinned.

"You might like it. You've seen what it does to me when you pull on it."

"I'm not so sure I'd like a hole poking through there."

"Chicken."

"Uh huh," I agreed. I lay still for a moment and then lifted my head, pressing my lips against his cheek. He turned his head quickly and our mouths met, lips caressing warmly, gently, no tongues, no urgency, just...something else. My heart stuttered and I held onto him, sighing softly as he continued kissing me. It felt so right, being with him - whether we were watching a ballgame, having dinner, kissing like this, fucking urgently, desperately. I wanted him in my life; of that I was completely certain and if I wasn't mistaken, the feeling was mutual.

_I'm in love with you._

It was only a thought and I didn't dare say it just yet, but I knew it was true. He drew back and his eyes met mine, deep brown, soft and warm, drawing me in. Then he rolled onto his back again, ending the few moments of closeness.

"Fuck," he whispered, so quietly I barely heard it.

"Paul?"

He shook his head slightly and said nothing, but I wondered if perhaps in that moment he realised he felt the same way. I slid my arm across his middle and closed my eyes, enjoying just being with him as sleep began to creep up on me and pull me under.

When I woke, we had barely moved. My morning erection was pressing against Paul's hip and his own lay hard against his belly, twitched slightly as he slept. I grinned to myself and looked around me. The drapes were open and the sky bright outside and when my eyes landed on the clock I noticed it was almost nine. I carefully drew away from Paul, trying not to disturb him, sliding down the bed a little until I could lean over and tease his cock with my tongue. I touched the tip gently, circling it and then made my way down his length to his balls, drawing one into my mouth and rolling it around, breathing in the musky scent of him.

"Molesting me in my sleep?" His voice sounded husky and rough, only just having woken and I let his ball pop free from my mouth and grinned.

"Couldn't help myself."

"Well, don't stop."

I shifted my position slightly and returned to the head of his cock, taking it in my mouth and sucking gently, dipping my tongue into his slit and tasting pre-cum. He groaned and lifted his hips, trying to push himself deeper into my mouth, but I wrapped a hand around his length and continued nibbling on only the head.

"Damnit, Jake! Come here," he grunted.

"You want me to stop?"

"No...turn around the other way so I can get at you."

I sat up and he moved down the bed slightly to give me more room at the pillow end. I turned, intending to lie down at his side, but he grabbed at me and I realised he wanted me to kneel astride him. I positioned my knees either side of his head, spreading them wide apart and lowering myself towards his cock again, my own hovering above his face. His hands touched my butt, pulling me down and then his tongue was lapping at my balls, taking one into his mouth the same way I had done. I shuddered and tried to concentrate on him instead, holding his erection upright and drawing it into my mouth, caressing his balls in my free hand. I groaned around him as he grasped my cock, stroking it firmly and moving his tongue from my sack towards my ass, licking at my hole as he had done in the shower. I moaned and hummed, struggling to breathe as my chest heaved, my hips gyrating slightly as I pushed myself against his face. I pulled off his cock for a moment, using both hands instead to continue stroking him.

"Fuck...I can't get over how good that feels," I panted. Paul chuckled slightly and I felt warm breath against me.

"Wanna try returning the favour?"

"I didn't know if..."

"I don't bottom...ever...but it doesn't mean I don't like having my ass touched," he said.

"Ok." I sat up straight and reached behind me to grab a pillow, tucking it under his hips when he lifted them, his knees up and legs parted. Then I lowered myself again, stroking his cock with one hand while I extended my tongue as far as I could and ducked my head down, running the tip back and forth over his perineum, feeling him shudder as I worked my way closer to the tight pink hole. I brushed over it lightly, watching in fascination as it twitched and clenched, then continued to lick at him while he did the same to me. He was issuing a series of groans and growls as he licked and nibbled at me, his hips bucking up slightly and his cock throbbing and leaking in my hand. I moistened one finger with saliva, not sure if it would be what he wanted, but keen to feel. I pushed the tip against him and he opened up and sucked me into tight heat. I'd put my fingers inside myself enough times, but it was different doing it to somebody else. I carefully slid the one digit in and out a few times while he continued to writhe and groan beneath me, pre-cum oozing continuously from his cock.

"Fuck, Jake...let me fuck your mouth..." he panted then, tugging at my hips to pull me backwards a few inches, guiding my cock into his own mouth. I withdrew my finger, lifted myself up and guided him between my lips, gradually taking more and more of him in until my nose was almost touching his balls and he was bumping the back of my throat. I breathed hard through my nose, groaning around him as his hands pulled me lower, swallowing my full length. We moved awkwardly together, Paul bucking beneath me and me grinding myself onto him, both of us gasping and moaning, hands caressing balls, teasing asses, driving each other closer to orgasm. I could feel how close Paul was, his balls tight in my hand, the base of his cock starting to pulse and I lifted my head until only a couple of inches of his length remained in my mouth, wrapping my free hand around his base and pumping him until he released with several long spurts. I swallowed and sucked on the head, drawing out the last few drops and then I was coming and I let go of him, yelling out as I emptied into his throat. Shakily I lifted myself off of him and turned around again, collapsing at his side, my chest heaving as my lungs strained to suck in air.

"Fuck...so good..." Paul panted, stroking a hand over my damp hair. I propped myself up weakly on one elbow and looked down at him, brushing my lips breathlessly over his.

"God, Paul," I whispered. "I think I lo..."

His lips met mine again as he pulled my head down quickly, cutting off what I had almost said and then he let go, his eyes closed. "Don't, alright? Not when you're not free to...say that."

I lay back down with a sigh, my face heating slightly. I may not have been able to say it, but it didn't mean I didn't feel it.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Thank you to everyone who is reading this story, and thanks for the great reviews so far. Glad to hear that it's being enjoyed. There is a little more citrus in this chapter and then the drama begins!**

CHAPTER TEN

We got out of the bed shortly after and shared the shower again, although this time nothing happened except that we washed ourselves and teased each other a little. However, hunger drove us to hurry and get dressed before heading out to find food. Paul told me that he normally ate oatmeal or something similar for breakfast, but he figured we would have brunch at his favourite diner instead.

The traditional diner was two blocks away and we sipped coffee while we waited for our order of sausage, bacon, eggs and hash browns with a side order of biscuits and gravy. We took our time over the meal and lingered afterwards with more coffee.

"What do you usually do Sundays?" I asked.

"I work out for a while, but I guess we did plenty of that already," he smirked. "It's the one day I get to relax and not do much. Sometimes I go to the movies or just hang out in my apartment or at friends'. I don't suppose you ever get to do that."

"Not often." I let out a sigh as I thought about Leah and Sarah at her parents' house. Usually I would have been working Sunday, but after finishing early I would spend a few hours with Sarah before she went to bed. My phone beeped at that moment and I removed it from my pocket to read the text. It was from Sarah, telling me she missed me and asking how work was. I cringed, wondering how to reply without lying to my daughter as well. I didn't look at Paul, who had taken the opportunity to ask for the check and was pulling some cash out of his wallet to pay.

"Sorry, it's my daughter," I said.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. You're still married." He sounded strained and I quickly tapped out a reply, saying simply that I missed her and I hoped she was enjoying spending time with her grandparents; then I shoved the phone back into my pocket.

"Probably not for much longer," I told Paul quietly.

"How do you know that?" His brows drew together in a slight frown.

"You know I'm going to tell my wife I'm gay; that I can't continue the way we are."

"That doesn't mean she'll just walk away, or let you go. You have a kid to think about." He got up from the table and I followed quickly as he began to make his way to the door. We started to walk back in the direction of the apartment and I almost groaned as my phone alerted me to another message. I ignored it for the moment.

"Paul, I know things are complicated, but I know what I want," I said firmly.

"You say you do. What happens when either your wife takes your girl away from you, or she fights for you? Look, you know I want you; I made it obvious enough by not being able to walk away, but I can't see how this is ever going to work out well."

"So what do you want me to do? Walk away from you as well?" I asked, irritated that suddenly the mood was spoiled, although I understood where he was coming from. I hadn't been able to give him any guarantees; I still couldn't as much as I might want to. We reached the apartment block and my phone beeped insistently as we waited for the elevator.

"No, I don't, but you know how I feel about this. You're not free to be with me and as much as I want you to be, right now it's not going to happen. Are you going to answer your phone?"

"Damnit," I muttered, pulling the phone out again. I felt a little sick suddenly and my heart was racing. I almost felt that he was about to ask me to forget the rest of the day and go home and I forced myself to read Sarah's message about what they were doing that day and send her a reply. I felt horribly guilty that I wasn't giving her the time she deserved. I should have called her, chatted about what she was doing, told her how I missed her and asked about Leah, but I was torn. Paul was tense, fists clenched and I couldn't tell if he was actually angry or just upset. I put the phone away again, hoping I wouldn't receive any more messages and followed him into the elevator.

"What do you actually think's going to happen, Jake? After you tell your wife, assuming you go ahead with it. You think you or she will move out and it'll all be fine? It won't; I've seen this type of thing happen before, not with a guy in the middle, but that doesn't matter. Maybe you and her will fight, maybe you won't, but you'll feel like shit about it, especially with regard to your kid. I just think if you make any assurances to me, you're going to wish you hadn't."

"What are you saying? Do you want me to leave?"

"No...I don't want you to fucking leave, Jacob, I just want you to be realistic about this. You seem to think by next week we'll be...I don't know...together."

"I don't think that." I stepped off the elevator first and waited for him to unlock the apartment door. "We already talked about that, didn't we? I know more or less how I'm gonna feel and it's gonna be shit. We're going to need time..."

"Yeah."

"But I know how I feel about you," I went on. "Being with you just feels...right. It's what I want and somehow, I'll make it happen. Paul..." I moved towards him and rested my hands on his neck, bring our faces close together and meeting his eyes. "I'm not under the illusion this will work out over night, but if you feel the same way, then we will be together one day."

His arms slid around me, much to my relief and he rested his forehead against mine. "I feel the same way," he murmured.

"You wanted to keep things casual," I reminded him, my heart fluttering at his words.

"Can't." He pulled his head back a little, turned it at a slight angle to mine and brought our lips together, caressing mine slowly with his own until I heard myself moan, my heart pounding urgently in my chest. He deepened the kiss gradually, his tongue seeking mine and stroking sensuously over it, heat building between us as we tasted and explored each other's mouths, my arms folding around him to bring him even closer to me.

I felt my cock begin to stir, filling quickly and pressing against the front of my pants, feeling the answering nudge of his hardness as he shifted his position slightly and ran a hand down my back to my butt. I groaned again, the sound muffled by his tongue and I gyrated my hips, rubbing myself against him. He slowed the kiss and withdrew his tongue until only our lips touched and I whispered against them, everything else forgotten once again.

"Take me to bed. I want you right now...please..."

He drew back and opened his eyes, then grasped my hand in his and walked into his room, drawing me along with him and closing the door behind us. We undressed each other slowly, one piece of clothing at a time, taking our time with buttons and zippers rather than having the usual urgent fumbling as we struggled to get naked as fast as possible. This was different and I relished each light brush of Paul's fingers as he removed something; each touch of my own on his skin as I did the same. At last the final item of clothing was on the floor and we went to the bed, lay down facing each other and moved into each other's arms.

We took our time with everything, more than we ever had before. Lack of time and desperation for each other had always made things happen in a rush, even if we tried to make it last, but this time it was different. We stroked each other teasingly, fingertips gliding up and down spines, over hips and thighs, our hard cocks pushing against each other and our lips continuing to exchange warm little kisses. When I stroked a hand over Paul's chest I felt his heart thudding rapidly in time with my own and I paused to play with the nipple ring, tugging and twisting it, making him groan and curse, feeling pre-cum ooze from him onto my belly. His hand slid lower down my back, then around to my hip, guiding my leg into a bent position with the knee raised so that he could touch between my legs from behind me. I shuddered as the tips of his fingers explored my ass crack, running up and down slowly. He paused to reach for the lube and coat his fingers, then resumed stroking in the same way, circling my hole, dipping just the end of one finger into me every so often.

I took my hand off of him and grabbed the lube, squeezing some onto my own hand so that I could touch him in the same way, light teasing little touches, occasionally pushing more firmly on his perineum, slipping the very tip of one finger into him and then out again.

"Fuck," he muttered. His cock throbbed against mine and I stopped what I was doing and slid my hand between us instead, wrapping it around his shaft and my own at the same time, rubbing them together. His finger pushed deeper into me and began to thrust slowly in and out and my leaking pre-cum lubricated us both further as I captured it with my palm and spread it around. He groaned and his mouth covered mine again in a firmer, more urgent kiss as he added a second finger, sliding it in carefully alongside the first and pumping both, stretching me. I moaned around his tongue, removing my hand from between us, not wanting things to be over too quickly the way they usually were.

Paul's fingers continued preparing me, a third eventually joining the other two, although he broke the kiss again, panting for breath. I rocked against him, moving with each thrust of his fingers and longing for him to replace them with his cock. I knew it was going to be different this time; it didn't feel like fucking any more - it was making love; something that I'd never experienced with a man before.

"Paul..." I gasped eventually. "I'm ready...I need you in me...now..."

He withdrew his fingers slowly with a soft, wet sound and I snagged the condom packet from the bed table, opened it and backed away from him a few inches while I rolled the rubber onto him. I had never even considered it before, but now I wondered what it would be like without a condom between us - if I could feel his flesh, his heat, the wetness when he came. Maybe one day, I thought, when we were together properly.

"How do you want to do this?" he murmured. "Any preference?"

"Like this." I rolled onto my back, pulling both knees up and letting them fall apart, exposing myself while my cock quivered and leaked onto my stomach. Paul sat up briefly, picking up the lube again to coat himself in it, then lowered himself between my thighs, one forearm resting beside me to support his weight while he guided himself. I tilted my hips up and immediately felt him push against me, the head of his cock slipping easily into me. As always, he held still for a moment, but then drove forward with one long smooth thrust, bringing his hips flush with mine and burying his length deep within me.

"Fuck," I groaned, rolling my head back on the pillow. I slid my arms around him, holding onto him tightly as we lay together, not moving for a long moment, my cock trapped between us and his filling and stretching me. At last we began to move together, slowly at first, our lips reconnecting in another deep and heated kiss, tongues thrusting against each other, soft groans issuing from us both until we were forced to stop to breathe. Paul lifted himself up a little, his cock withdrawing further and plunging harder into me with each snap of his hips, his upper body weight supported by one arm as he slid the other between us and wrapped his hand around my quivering shaft, stroking it in time with our movements.

My eyes were closed, but I forced them open again and looked up, meeting his gaze, pupils blown and brows drawn together. His lips were parted as he gasped for breath and cursed every so often, but he held the eye contact as he drove both of us towards orgasm. It was intense; heated, sensual and somehow almost desperate, but not the kind of desperation we had felt before when we needed to come so badly we couldn't stand it. I almost felt as if somehow it were the last time we would be together and I supposed that were true, at least for some while, and it seemed as if we unconsciously savoured each push and thrust, each sensation, each touch, even more than usual, knowing we would soon part.

_I love you._

I only thought it. He was right when he said I wasn't free to say it, but I longed to be able to whisper how I felt into his ear; hear him repeat those words to me. From the way he was with me in those few minutes and the look in his eyes, I was at least reasonably sure that the feeling was mutual and that one day I would hear him say it.

He took his hand off of me now and braced both on the mattress instead, driving himself harder into me as we approached the finish together and I removed one hand from his back and grasped myself firmly, pumping my cock urgently in time with each plunge of his into me.

"Fuck...so close..." Paul panted. "Want you to come first..."

"Almost there," I grunted. My balls were full and tight against my body, heat building in my groin and the pit of my stomach, the feel of his length dragging over my prostate pushing me closer to the edge. I jerked myself harder and tipped over, shooting my load onto my chest and clenching tighter around Paul as his hips began to roll and jerk erratically, a string of breathless curses issuing from his lips as he pulsed inside me and filled the condom. I slid my hand out from between us again, wiped it on the bedding and then laid my arm around his waist as he let his weight sink onto me, his face in my neck and forehead resting on the pillow. We lay panting, skin slick with sweat, Paul's cock gradually softening and slipping out of me. He reached down slowly to grab the condom and dispose of it, then lay still again, his heart pounding frantically in time with mine.

"God, Paul," I groaned.

"I know."

It was the closest we came to sharing how we felt and I only hoped that it wouldn't be too long before we would be together again. When I remembered how much I had longed for him before this weekend, I dreaded leaving without knowing when we would be able to see each other again.

Eventually Paul peeled himself off of me and slid off the bed, walking silently into the bathroom to shower. I got up too and joined him and we washed ourselves slowly, then dried off and dressed. Paul switched on the television and we sprawled out together on the couch for a while, watching some movie that I didn't really pay much attention to. We didn't talk, but it was different from the awkward silence between us in Paul's hotel in New York. This time we just enjoyed each other's company, making the afternoon last as long as possible until at last I pulled away from him and sat up. Initially we had intended for me to stay until Monday morning, but it seemed as if the time had come to bring things to an end and the longer I stayed, the harder it would get.

"I was thinking...I should go back tonight," I said slowly. "Avoid the commuters tomorrow."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," he nodded.

"I'll get my things together." I got up and collected the few items of clothing and toiletries which were scattered about, checked that I had phone, wallet and keys and then there was nothing more for me to do except say goodbye and head out the door.

"I'll drive you to the station," Paul said then and quickly jumped up, shoving his feet into a pair of running shoes.

"You don't have to."

"No, I want to."

My heart began to pound and my stomach clenched with the thought of getting on the train and leaving. How did I fall for him so fast and so hard, I wondered? I was hurting already and he was still with me yet, driving the BMW the short distance to the station and parking up in the lot outside. It had been one chance meeting in Quentin's not so very long ago; one that I hadn't been able to walk away from when he enticed me onto the dancefloor and in just a few weeks he had come to mean so much to me. I was about to go home and end my marriage and although it was mostly about me - my unhappiness with my situation as I struggled to suppress my desire for guys - I knew I wouldn't be doing this if I hadn't met Paul. I would have carried on, hiding who I really was, making do with a few snatched moments over the years as I convinced myself I was still being a good husband and father and that I was happy with the way things were.

"We're here."

Paul's voice broke into my thoughts and I shook myself. "Yeah. I didn't check the train times, but I know there's one about every hour or so."

"Less on Sundays. You want me to wait with you?"

"No." I released my seatbelt and turned towards him.

"Let me know how things go," he said and I nodded.

"It'll be next weekend, I guess; Friday or Saturday. I'll talk to you before then though."

"Sure."

"Paul..." I leaned closer and raised my hand to touch his face. He hesitated a moment and then his lips met mine in a hard, almost fierce kiss, crushing my lips against my teeth. Then he drew back quickly.

"You better go."

"Yeah." I grabbed my bag from the floor between my feet and shoved the door open. "Goodbye, Paul."

He nodded, but didn't speak and I slid out of the car and closed the door again, taking a deep breath. It was over. For the moment, it was over. I turned away and strode into the station, trying unsuccessfully to swallow the lump in my throat. I checked the train times and was relieved to find that one was due to leave in around fifteen minutes. It was already in the station and I bought a ticket and boarded. There were many empty seats and I picked one and folded myself into it, turning my head to face the window although I closed my eyes rather than looking out.

I tried not to think too much, but it was impossible not to. My heart hurt and my eyes burned behind my eyelids and I supposed I could afford to wallow for a little while. I would arrive home in a few hours to an empty apartment, where I could fall into bed alone and not have to try to be myself, whatever that was. I had several days before Leah and Sarah came back and by then, I knew I would have gotten myself together and then would come the conversation I had been dreading; the one where I told Leah the truth.

The journey seemed endless and by the time I reached New York it was dark. I took the subway to the nearest station to the apartments and found my keys as I walked the last few yards and let myself into the building. I was exhausted and sad and I wondered if I should just go straight to bed and call Paul to say goodnight. I wanted to hear his voice again, even just for a few minutes, to tell him how much I enjoyed being with him over the weekend.

I thought about what we had done Saturday - the ballgame, the restaurant, then the club - and I could imagine my life being like that, with him. I had felt happy to be me and it would be easy to get used to that. I punched the button in the elevator and leaned against the side of the car as it began to rise swiftly, watching the red numbers on the screen counting upwards until it reached the top and halted, the doors springing open. It was just a few more feet to my door and I switched my bag from one shoulder to the other and sought out the correct key from the bunch, pushing it into the lock. It was the first time I had arrived home since I moved us into this amazing apartment, where I wished I was somewhere else.

The minute I pushed the door open, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. There was a light on in the lounge room, although there was no sound and I frowned to myself, wondering if I could have left it on when I set off Saturday morning, but quickly dismissing the idea. It had been daylight - there had been no need for a light. I walked slowly to the open door, my heart beginning to pound and sweat breaking out along my spine. I wiped damp palms on my jeans as I stepped through the door, licking my lips nervously. I wasn't ready for this; I hadn't thought anything through and I didn't yet know what I was going to say; how I was going to act; how I could possibly start to tell my wife that I was gay.

Leah was curled up at one end of the couch with an open book resting on her lap, which she didn't appear to be reading. She raised her head now and met my shocked gaze with a frosty stare.

"You're back, then." She dropped her eyes to the bag on my shoulder and carefully placed a marker in her book before she put it aside on the occasional table next to the couch. "Perhaps you'd like to tell me where the hell you've been."


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I let the strap of my bag slip from my shoulder and dropped it onto the floor. My heart was thundering in my chest and suddenly I was breathless, swallowing dryly and wondering how the hell I was going to start explaining myself.

"Uh...what are you doing home?" I croaked. "Where's Sarah?"

"She's at my parents', Jacob. I wanted her out of the way while we talk, but I didn't expect to get back and find you weren't here. So where were you?"

"Boston. I...um..."

Leah's eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth as if to ask why, but then shut it again. I took the opportunity to move to the armchair opposite the couch and sit down, my body shaking slightly and my stomach churning. It wasn't supposed to be like this; I was supposed to have worked out the best way to tell her while she was away. She was pissed, more so than she had been before she left and I knew that this wasn't going to go the way I hoped. I'd known she would yell when I told her the truth, but her icy calmness indicated complete rage simmering below the surface.

"I was going to talk to you when you got back," I said.

"I am back."

"You know what I mean. Next weekend. I've been wanting to tell you something for a while, I just...didn't know how."

Leah raised an eyebrow and simply stared back at me, her dark eyes impenetrable and her jaw set. What could I say? Just blurt it out? Beat around the bush? Christ.

"You asked me a little while ago if there was another girl...if I was seeing someone else..." I said slowly. "I was telling the truth when I said no, but...there is...something."

"Do you mean you're not seeing someone else any more...or it's not a girl?" Leah gritted out.

My racing heart only increased its pace at her words. Somehow she knew something. It was too much of a coincidence for her to hint at that without having some kind of clue and my mind flicked through the possibilities. The only person who knew was Edward; had she talked to him? Maybe called the gym when I wasn't there? Had he told her? I'd trusted him, but faced by Leah's fury, a stronger man than Edward would easily break.

"I...um...I'm bisexual," I whispered. I couldn't say 'gay'; at least not yet. "I met a guy."

Leah glared, but her face didn't register any surprise. "Presumably it was _him_ you were with this weekend?"

I nodded miserably.

"You know what the funny thing is? I knew," she said. "I knew what you were doing. Give me your phone."

"What?" I looked up, puzzled and the icy facade cracked. Leah sprang to her feet and snarled down at me.

"Give me your fucking phone, Jacob!"

"Why? It's...um..." Automatically I began to fumble in my pocket while my blood turned cold and I wondered if she had seen something on it that I had failed to delete; perhaps the night before she and Sarah left, which would explain her sudden mood change the next morning.

"Forget it, it doesn't matter," she snapped now. "I'm never going to forget what I read; not in a million years. I don't need to see it again, if it's still there. 'Can't wait to have your cock in me again'. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?!"

"Oh, God..." I dropped my head into my hands. Why had I been so careless, leaving something like that in the phone? If she saw the message, she probably saw his picture too - his erection, obvious inside thin shorts. I should have deleted them straight away; not so that I wouldn't be found out because I'd intended to tell her anyway, but to save her having to find out like that. Guilt washed over me and I felt sick at the thought of how she must have felt for the past two days.

"It's the guy from FitWorx, isn't it?" she prompted now.

"Yes."

"Why?" She backed away and sat back down on the couch. "Explain to me, because I suddenly feel like I don't even know you. Maybe if it had been a girl, I wouldn't have liked it, but I might have understood, but this...how long have you known?"

"Since I was a kid," I blurted and she sucked her breath in.

"Go on."

"My Dad found some magazines in my room when I was about fifteen and made me feel like some kind of unnatural freak, so I just hid it and thought it would go away. I had a...an episode with a neighbour's kid and that was it. It didn't seem that important and then I met you and for a while I never even thought about it."

"For a while? How long is a while, Jacob? We've been together eleven years."

"There were a...a few casual..things," I stammered. "I am so sorry. I was planning to tell you when you came back. Up to now I just kept telling myself I wouldn't have to; that I'd get over it."

"Do you even love me at all? Did you ever love me, or did you just start seeing me to please your Dad?"

"No, it wasn't like that at all!" I exclaimed. "I loved you; I still love you and Sarah. I hate myself for the way I've behaved; maybe I'm just weak and I couldn't stop myself. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Why now? Why is this time different? This Paul - how many times have you seen him?"

"A few. I just...I didn't mean for this to happen, Leah, I'm so sorry," I said again.

"Are you in...in love with him?" She asked more quietly, her voice shaking. She closed her eyes as she waited for my answer and I watched unhappily as her anger gave way to pain for a moment, tears squeezing out from beneath her eyelids and rolling down her cheeks.

"It's not important," I said helplessly.

"Just answer the question, Jacob."

"Yes."

She dropped her head into her hands. "So this is why you planned to tell me now? You want to be with him?" she choked.

"That isn't why. I've hated myself for the things I've done; the way I've treated you. I wanted to finally be honest with you. You've been nothing but amazing to me ever since I met you and I've been a complete shit. You don't deserve any of this, Leah, I'm so sorry."

She looked up again and scrubbed her hands over her cheeks impatiently. "And now you...you love this man. How can I ever compete with that? If it had been a girl, I would fight tooth and nail for you; kick the shit out of her if I had to, but this...I don't know what to do. I can't understand it."

"I'm sorry," I said once again. My heart hurt for her as I watched her struggle to get her head around what I said; what she'd known before I even opened my mouth. I knew I was losing her, but even though I'd planned to tell her, intended for us to part so that I could be with Paul, I found myself praying that she would say it was ok, that we could work it out, that she wouldn't give up on me.

"You're sorry? How sorry were you when you were in Boston with him, huh?" she demanded suddenly. "How sorry were you when he was _fucking you?!"_

She was on her feet again, her fists clenched, and I quickly rose too. "Leah..."

"Don't 'Leah' me. How did you think I would take this, Jacob? You're my husband! The father of my child and now you tell me that basically, it never meant anything because you've been fucking guys behind my back from the beginning! Did it never occur to you to tell me when we were kids? Before we got married? I would have understood then, maybe. Instead you go along with it all like the gutless bastard you are and have your cake and eat it for ten fucking years! You say you loved me, but how much does that really mean if you're spending your life trying to talk yourself out of getting with guys and then doing it anyway? How could you do this to us, Jacob? _What the fuck is the matter with you?!"_

She was screaming, tears still falling at the same time and I realised my own cheeks were wet too. I didn't know what to do; I should have expected she would react like this and I'd known she would be furious, but somehow I just hadn't dwelled on it and now, I wished I could take it all back. I wished I could be back in Boston weeks ago, looking out of the bar window at Quentin's and then walking back to my hotel without ever having gone in there.

"Leah, please..." I reached out to grab her by the shoulders and the flat of her hand connected with my face in a stinging slap, followed by the other hand on the opposite cheek.

"Don't fucking touch me!" she spat, backing away. "I don't want you near me! You make me sick! _Just get out, Jacob! Leave!"_

"Leah, I'm sorry," I choked, brushing away my own tears.

"Yeah, you said, about a hundred times. Just go." Again she sat down, elbows resting on her knees, her eyes on the floor, her rage subsiding quickly. "I can't talk to you right now. I don't even want to look at you. I need time to think."

"What about Sarah?" I asked.

"What about her? She's with my parents and thank God for that. I don't want my daughter subjected to any of this; having to hear what a lying, cheating piece of shit her father is."

I gulped and turned away, grabbing my bag and heading into the bedroom to pack up some more clothes. 'My daughter', she had said, not 'ours'. My heart plummeted into my shoes as I began stuffing shirts and shorts and spare pants into another larger bag, sniffing and brushing my hand across my eyes every so often as tears continued to well up. I could hear Leah crying quietly in the lounge and the sound cut through me, a constant reminder of what I'd done to her; to our family.

In less than ten minutes I had crammed as much as I could into the bag, only taking clothes and personal items. I wanted to go back to Leah and try to talk to her again; to somehow try to make things better, but I knew she wouldn't appreciate it right now. She wanted me gone and rightly so. I went to the door and picked up the other bag; the one I had taken to Boston. Leah was still sitting where I left her, her face now dry and her body rigid, arms wrapped around herself. She glanced up at me, her lips set in a thin line.

"I'll go to a motel," I said numbly. "There's one on the next block from the gym."

She lowered her eyes again and didn't answer.

"When will you go to get Sarah?"

"I'm going back tomorrow."

"You will let me see her..."

"I can't think right now. Will you just go? I'll talk to you when I've had the chance to try to make sense of this." She rose swiftly and walked out of the room, disappearing into the bedroom and closing the door firmly behind her.

I left; there wasn't anything else I could do. It took me thirty minutes to reach the motel and secure a room with my credit card and I didn't remember getting there when I sat down on the well-worn bed with its lime green cover. I didn't remember the elevator ride from the apartment or the walk from there to the motel. All I was able to think about was Leah's face and her words to me; how much I had hurt her and how hurt Sarah would be when she arrived home and found me gone. What would Leah tell her, I wondered?

I sprawled out on the bed with an arm across my face, my mind a muddle. My head ached and my chest felt as if it were being squeezed my steel bands. All of it was my own fault. Maybe I could have avoided falling for Paul if I hadn't gone into Quentin's that day, but if it hadn't been him, just like Edward said it probably would have been somebody else. I should have been honest from the start, but I had really thought when I met Leah that the episode with Jared was behind me and that it didn't really mean anything. The excitement of my new relationship with her had pushed those thoughts and feelings to the very back of my mind and then when she found out she was pregnant and our lives were changed, I had thought only of supporting her and our baby; of setting up my new business and making it work.

"Fuck," I groaned, rolling over and pressing my face into the pillow. It wasn't until two years after Sarah was born that I realised it hadn't just been a one-off and that I still wanted - _needed_ - a guy. I didn't blame Leah one bit for her venomous response to what I said. It would have been bad enough for her if she hadn't seen the texts and I'd just told her the truth, but it had come out in the worst possible way and there wasn't a thing I could do to make it any better.

My phone beeped in my pocket and I fumbled it out, glancing at the screen and hoping to see Leah's name there, even if the message only told me to drop dead or that she hated me, but it was a text from Paul. My heart fluttered and sank at the same time and I shoved the phone under the pillow without reading the message. I longed for him; I wanted to feel his arms around me, his body pressed against mine; I needed his comfort, but I couldn't expect him to give it to me when the reason for my grief was my wife, who I knew he feared I would end up staying with despite what I'd said to him. I couldn't hurt him by letting him know how completely lost and wretched I felt at that moment, so instead I hurt him by ignoring him.

I began to cry, muffling my sobs in the pillow and cursing myself for being such a complete failure to everyone around me. I failed Leah as a husband, Sarah as a father even though she didn't know yet, and I failed my lover by making promises to him that I didn't know right then if I could keep. I was filled with self-loathing and no amount of wishing myself back in time to do things differently was going to do any good - all I could do was try to fix things for the future and I had no clue how to do that.

I wondered again what Leah might tell Sarah. She wasn't a vindictive woman and I knew she would think about what was best for Sarah in all of this rather than herself. I didn't think she would keep our daughter away from me because it wouldn't be good for her, but what would she tell her? That Daddy fell in love with someone else and wanted to be with them more than his own family? She wouldn't understand that, not at ten years old.

My thoughts continued to torment me through the night as I barely slept and by the time daylight came, I felt drained, my head pounded as if with a hangover and I still felt completely sick with myself. My first instinct was to grab for my phone and call Leah, but as my thumb hovered over the 'call' button, I talked myself out of it. She didn't want to hear from me; she had said she needed time to think and me pressuring her wasn't going to help anyone.

I was about to haul myself up and start getting ready for work, until I remembered I'd arranged with Edward to have Monday off and I sank back against the pillows again with a sigh and closed my eyes, hoping I might sleep and forget, just for an hour or two. Somehow I did sleep and it wasn't until noon that I woke, to the sound of a fist hammering on the door to my room. Groggily I staggered to my feet, dragging a hand through my short hair and making it stand on end as I shuffled to the door, hoping it might be Leah wanting to talk.

"What the hell, Jacob? You cheated on Leah?" It was Embry.

"Oh, God," I groaned, backing up to let him into the room. "How did you know?"

"What do you mean, how did I know? Leah called Marie last night; they were talking until three in the morning."

"Fuck," I muttered, sinking onto the edge of the bed again.

"What's wrong with you? I thought you loved Leah and Sarah. You always seemed so happy with them." Embry shoved the door shut and sat down on the single ratty chair beside the small table.

"Uh...how much do you know exactly?" I asked.

"Only that you've been fucking around. I'm sure Marie knows a lot more than she's telling; those two are as thick as thieves. So who is she? Someone to do with work, right?"

"Hmm." I rubbed my hands over my face. "Don't ask about it, Embry, ok? I fucked up big time, I know that."

"Of course I'm going to ask about it; how long have we been friends? Twenty years? How serious is it?"

"Uh...I guess it's serious," I admitted. "I was gonna tell Leah, but she found out before I got the chance. Some texts..."

"I don't get it. What has she...whoever she is...got, that Leah doesn't? I always thought you were lucky to get her; beautiful, smart, strong...so what happened?"

"Damnit, Embry!" I growled. "I can't talk to you about this, alright? I feel like enough of a shit as it is. How did you find out where I was anyway?"

"Leah told Marie you were in a motel near work. Why can't you tell me what's going on? How many times have we confided in each other over stuff we fucked up on, Jake? I might think you're an asshole for fucking around on Leah, but I'm still your friend. Who is so important that you'd throw away your marriage over it?"

I looked up at him and stayed silent for a moment. It was all going to come out sooner or later, I thought. If he didn't find out from Marie he would some other way and then he'd just be pissed at me for not telling him, assuming he could swallow the fact that I liked guys. I had no idea what Embry's opinion on that was; I couldn't ever remember either of us mentioning the word 'gay', even in school. We had avoided mentioning Jared Cameron when he moved into the neighbourhood, mostly out of embarrassment that he was so obvious about what he was.

"It's not another girl," I said. "I'm..." I paused and cleared my throat. "I'm gay, Embry."

His mouth dropped open. "What the fuck, Jacob? Since when? What are you saying? You cheated on Leah with a..._guy?"_ He spat the word out as if he didn't like the taste of it, grimacing slightly.

"I've known since I was a kid. You know what my Dad was like. Well, you don't about this. He found out when I was fifteen, gave me so much shit, telling me I was a disgusting freak of nature that I buried it and told myself it was just a phase or something. At the time I just wanted to be a normal kid and I didn't think 'normal' involved having thoughts about other boys."

"But...but...all that time...we used to hang out together every day; even have sleepovers and shit. I..."

"Don't worry, Embry, you weren't my type," I said stupidly.

"Don't fucking joke about this! I don't understand you! Ok, I am not like your Dad, Jake. I'm not anti-gay or anything like that. What I am is totally shocked that you'd hide something like that to the extent that you get married, have a kid, play happy families for ten years - _ten years, Jacob_ - and it's all a lie! How the fuck do you think Leah is feeling right now?"

"I can only imagine," I whispered. "I was happy with her, you know. I loved her and Sarah; still do. I just...I haven't been true to myself and I thought I could carry on the way I had been - just the occasional casual thing - and it would all be alright. I know how wrong that was now."

"Why has this all come out now? I know Leah saw something on your phone..."

"Even if she hadn't I was going to tell her. I...um...I fell for someone."

"Who?"

"Just a guy; you don't know him, he's from Boston. I'm sorry, Embry."

"Don't fucking apologise to me, Jake, you should be apologising to your wife!" he snapped. "All this time and I never even knew! Why the hell didn't you confide in me when we were kids, huh? Maybe you wouldn't be where you are now!"

"Why? What would you have said? How easy do you think it would have been to tell you I was gay, when we were fifteen? You'd probably have told me to go to hell."

"No, I wouldn't. I'm your best friend; I would have stood by you and maybe we would have gone to college together, where anything your Dad said couldn't affect you. Who knows? It's too late now, isn't it?" He got to his feet suddenly.

"Too late?" I stood up too, anxiously. "You're gonna walk away from me too?"

"I have to get back to work, Jake, I'm on my lunch break. I meant it's too late because you managed to hurt a really special woman with all this and Sarah's going to suffer too in the long run. I'm not condemning you for liking guys, only for the way you've gone about it. I'm totally on Leah's side over this, and let's face it; Marie would give me hell if I wasn't..." He allowed a small smile. "But I'm not turning my back on you. I'll call you later in the week, see how things are going."

"Yeah, thanks, Embry," I said in relief.

He nodded and left, closing the door quietly behind him and I sat back down on the bed with a sigh. There weren't even coffee fixings in the room and I was going to have to go out sooner or later to at least get something to drink. I stripped off my clothes, dug shampoo and shower gel out of one of my bags and headed for the shower where I stood under the hot water with my eyes closed until it ran cold. Telling Embry had made me feel marginally better, I realised. If only I had confided in him when we were kids; I wouldn't have put Leah through everything she was going through right now; but at the same time we wouldn't have Sarah. My heart ached for my little girl and I longed to see her, but there was nothing I could do except wait for Leah to tell me when that would happen.

It was then that I remembered the text I'd received from Paul and I finished in the shower quickly, dried off and pulled my phone out from under the pillow. I hadn't even read the message and he'd probably spent the night thinking I'd changed my mind about him. He couldn't know Leah had been home waiting for me and I opened up the message now.

'Weekend was awesome. Call me when you can. X.' That was all and I almost called him right away, until I realised he would be at work and I had no idea what to say to him. I longed to hear his voice, but all I could think about right now was Leah and Sarah and I knew I wouldn't have much to say. Instead I typed out a response to his text.

'Leah was home when I got back. Told her everything. Staying in a motel. Talk soon.' It sounded cool and distant, I thought and I added an 'X' before I sent it. I was torn, dwelling so much on Leah and Sarah that I had to remind myself I loved Paul and that surprised me. The way things were going, I would end up hurting him as well if I wasn't careful and I'd finish up with no one.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

My phone beeped again with another message and this time I opened it right away when I saw it was Paul. 'Are you ok?' That was all it said and I wasn't really sure how to answer. I certainly wasn't ok. Part of me wanted to hide away from everybody and bury my head in the sand; try to pretend none of this was happening, while the other half was longing for somebody to be there for me; longing for Paul.

'No, not really,' I typed slowly. 'I'll call you soon, just give me a few days.'

He didn't reply to that one, but I knew he was working and probably wanted to give me some space. I sat with the phone in my hand, thinking about everything that had happened over the past few weeks. I realised I honestly didn't know what I wanted any more. I was certain I loved Paul, but I didn't know if I could be with him; I didn't know if the guilt I felt over Leah would spoil things for us and I didn't want to inflict my confusion upon him and hurt him. I was also certain that it was over with Leah; she needed time to think, but in my heart I knew she wouldn't want me back and in mine, having come as far as this, to tell her who I really was, I knew I couldn't go back either. Even without Paul, I couldn't promise that I would change and having finally been honest with myself, I had accepted I could only be truly happy with a guy.

The hardest part in all of this was going to be Sarah and as I thought about her, my throat hurt and my eyes stung. How was she going to take all of this? Would she blame me? Hate me for leaving them? Would she ever understand? As if she knew she was on my mind, suddenly her picture flashed up on the screen of my phone as the special ringtone I set for her began to emanate from the device and I answered quickly, automatically.

"Hey, sweetheart." I almost choked on the words and I squeezed my eyes shut painfully.

"Hey, Daddy. What are you doing? Are you coming back with Mommy?"

"No, I can't, baby, I have to work."

"Oh." She sighed heavily. "Did Mommy leave yet?"

"I'm not sure, I'm not...home. She said she'd be coming back soon."

"Ok. Are you busy?"

"Not right now." I wondered what Leah had told her when she came home alone, but she clearly didn't know anything was wrong. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Gramma's teaching me to bake. I made chocolate muffins so I'm waiting for them to cook."

Hearing her voice made me smile and ache at the same time and I wondered how long it would be before I could see her. Again I told myself that Leah wouldn't keep her from me, but how were we going to explain my absence from the apartment? I carried on talking to her until she announced that the timer was saying her muffins were ready and then I hung up reluctantly and stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and losing myself in my thoughts once again.

Hours passed and I didn't move until hunger finally drove me out of the motel to buy some groceries. I bought a few items for the next couple days and a prepared pasta salad to eat right away. I could make use of the gym's cafeteria when I went back to work the following day. The evening crawled by and I stared at the television, but didn't watch whatever was on the screen. I went over and over in my head what had happened, going back as far as me being fifteen and trying to remember how I had felt then; how my father had treated me; how I felt that first time with Jared. I wondered how things would have turned out if I'd done things differently. Perhaps Dad would have kicked me out the way Paul's father did with him. Maybe Embry's family would have helped me until we went away to college. I knew there was no point in thinking like that, but I couldn't help it and it all kept coming back to where I was now; waiting for Leah's decision on Sarah; trying to figure out how I felt and what I really wanted; hating myself for the pain I'd caused and was likely to go on causing for some time.

That night I slept, only from exhaustion, waking early and quickly getting ready to go to work. Having something to do made me feel better and I opened up and began switching on lights and equipment before anyone else arrived. Edward arrived ten minutes later, quickly followed by the rest of the staff and I greeted them briefly and headed for my office. Edward caught up with me at the door and stepped in, closing it behind him.

"Are you ok, Jake? You look like hell."

"Thanks, Edward."

"Sorry, but you look like you haven't slept and you...sorry...um...never come to work without shaving."

I groaned and sat down behind my desk, then frowned at him suddenly.

"I thought you were taking today off?"

"I am, I wanted to be here to open up in case...anything happened and you were late."

"I would have called."

"Well, since I'm here...did something happen? Didn't things go well with Paul?"

"No. I mean, yeah, they did, it's not that. I talked to Leah."

"Shit. Do you mind talking about this, or shall I butt out and leave you alone?"

"Sit down, Edward," I sighed. "I could use someone to talk to if you don't mind."

I told him more or less everything, leaving out the minor details and I felt relief to have him on my side. He had given me some good advice previously and I knew he understood, better than Embry. Even if Em hadn't been married to Leah's best friend, he was never going to understand my struggle with myself; and so I poured it all out while he listened and nodded sympathetically or put in comments here and there.

"What are you going to do about Paul?" he asked eventually. "You said you love him."

"Yeah, but I can't be with him right now. I want to be, but it's not fair to him when I'm going to be moping over Leah and Sarah. Everything's just up in the air until they come back and Leah decides what to do."

"So you should talk to him; I'm sure he'd rather you be honest with him than him not know what's going on."

"I know." Paul was probably in a similar position to me right now, I thought; waiting for me to get in touch and let him know what was happening; whether he was still part of things or not.

"Do you want me to hang around here?" Edward offered then.

"No, take your day off, I'm fine."

"Ok. Before I do...I know this is probably lousy timing, but it's about the assistant manager's job..."

"Go on. I need something else to think about," I prompted quickly.

"Well, I don't know if this would be really awkward, because of...you knowing Emmett...but he asked if you'd mind him applying for the job."

My eyebrows rose. It was unexpected and Edward immediately spoke again before I could open my mouth.

"It's ok...don't worry about it, it was a stupid idea." His face turned red and he tugged a hand through his hair.

"It's not, I just...I thought Emmett was a trainer at Global."

"He was; is. They're cutting staff and it's last in first out. There aren't any other positions going in the city right now."

"Does he knew you're asking?"

"Yeah. He brought up that he knew you and I said I knew, you told me. He said the same thing you did; that it was nothing."

"Wouldn't he prefer to be a trainer rather than management?"

"Yes, but like I said, there aren't any other options right now. He just rented a new apartment and he'll lose it if he can't get another decent job."

"What about you two working together?" I mused. "It might be all sweetness now, but what if you fight or something? I don't need drama here; I've enough of it away from work."

"I can be professional; so can he."

"Edward, what if a situation arose where you couldn't get along? You're my manager and he'd be assisting you. Could you really leave your personal stuff at the door when you came in?"

"It's no, isn't it?" he said. "It's ok, I just thought I'd ask."

I stared at him thoughtfully. I hadn't discussed it with him so far as it had only been a casual thought up to now, but I had considered that we could use another personal trainer. Those we had were often forced to arrange appointments with the clients who wanted to make use of them, simply because there was too high a demand for them from people coming in for their workouts and asking if someone was free. If Emmett was a trainer, it would at least lessen the likelihood of problems because he wouldn't be working directly with Edward - they would both have to answer to me.

"Ask him to come in and see me," I said.

"Really?" His face lit up eagerly.

"I'm not having him as an assistant manager, but we could use an extra trainer. I'm not making any promises, but I'll talk to him."

"Awesome! I'll call him later."

"Good. Now get out of here, Edward, and do whatever you do on your days off."

When he was gone, I turned my attention to the pile of paperwork on my desk - applications for the assistant manager's job, I realised. I was relieved that I had something to take my mind off of my situation and I began to pore over the letters, writing some off immediately and placing others in a second pile to revisit and consider offering interviews. By the middle of the day I had sent out a bunch of emails offering appointments for the most suitable applicants to come in and see me and although Leah and Sarah and Paul were constantly on my mind, at least I wasn't sitting wallowing in self-pity and guilt.

By the time I left late that evening, I had made up my mind to speak to Paul, even though I had said in my text that I needed a few days. I didn't want to keep him hanging on waiting for me and I longed to hear his voice. I went back to the motel and pulled out my phone, searching for his name in my contacts and then pausing with my thumb hovering over the 'call' button, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say. I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't totally sure how I felt and I didn't want to add to the anxiety he was surely feeling. Before I left Boston he had said he felt the same as I did and now that thought made my pulse quicken and I pushed everything else aside and called him.

"Hey, Jacob," he answered a moment later.

"Hey. I'm sorry I didn't call before. I didn't really know what to say."

"I figured. You said in your text you needed a few days. I didn't expect to hear from you yet."

"I wanted to hear your voice," I blurted.

"What's happening there?" he asked.

"Well...Leah knows everything...about you."

"You told her?"

"She guessed some of it. I don't want to go into the details. It was pretty shit, that's all."

"You think you two will...work it out?"

"No. I needed to be honest with myself as well as her. Even if I hadn't met you."

"I never wanted this, you know?" Paul sighed. "To be the cause of anything."

"You're not. Maybe it just came out sooner than it might have otherwise, but I couldn't go on the way I was. I'm gay and I was never going to be truly happy living a lie like that. I just...I don't know what's happening right now, with my daughter; whether Leah will even let me see her."

"Fuck," Paul muttered. "I'm sorry. Look, I know you have things to deal with; maybe we should leave this - us - alone for a while."

"Is that what you want?" My heart plummeted.

"It doesn't matter what I want. It's not going to work while you're worrying about what's gonna happen with your kid and living out of a motel."

I sighed heavily. "I was thinking along the same lines, I guess. I don't want to inflict all of this shit on you. I want to see you, but I know I'd be lousy company right now."

"Then just call me in a week or two; whatever. I'm gonna be busy for a while anyway. Andrew's sending me to Chicago for a few days next week, so..."

"Why don't you call me when you get back?" I suggested at once. By then, I was sure I would have at least sorted some things out and perhaps knowing where I stood as regards Sarah and having gotten over the initial shock and pain of having ten years of marriage come to an end, I would feel better about being with him.

"Ok. I'll talk to you soon. I hope everything works out."

"Yeah, me too."

_'I love you.' _Again I didn't say it. One day I would, but again, it wasn't the right time now.

I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the week and as much as I longed to call him, I didn't. We had agreed that he would call me when he came back from Chicago and so I left it at that, although as more time went by I began to long for him as much as I had such a short time ago when we had been snatching just a few shared hours together.

I talked to Sarah every day although Leah made a number of excuses to her as to why she wouldn't talk to me herself. She clearly still hadn't yet explained to Sarah what had happened and I guessed she must be waiting to get home so that she could do it without her parents' interference. Sarah told me they would be coming home Saturday afternoon so that she would have a day at home to sort out her things ready to go back to school Monday.

I spent Thursday and Friday interviewing potential candidates for the assistant manager's job and by the time I had seen the twenty men and women I'd invited to attend, I had short-listed three whom I planned to call back for a second interview to meet with Edward. Although the chosen person would answer to me, they would work more with him and I wanted to make sure they got along. I finally called Emmett Friday afternoon after I obtained his number from Edward. He didn't answer and I left a message, but an hour later he called me back.

"Hey, Jacob, it's Emmett McCarty," he said when I picked up. "You left me a message?"

"Yeah. Edward mentioned you were looking for a job."

"Yes, Global are getting rid of a few people. I didn't really think you'd consider me, to be honest."

"There's no reason not to." I cleared my throat awkwardly. "We had one night a long time ago. You're with Edward and from the look of him, it seems to be going well..."

"Yeah." Emmett laughed shortly. "I was always looking for something more...long term."

"Good, then there's no problem. I don't know if Edward discussed it with you, but I suggested taking on another trainer rather than having you apply for the assistant manager's job. You and he working together in that capacity...I wouldn't want there to be a chance of any difficulties in the future."

"Edward did mention it. I'd actually much prefer to work as a trainer. I appreciate you considering me."

"Why don't you come in and see me?" I suggested.

"Now?"

"Sure."

"Thanks, Jacob. I'll be there in about thirty minutes," he agreed at once.

I ended the call and a few seconds later my door opened and Edward's head appeared in the gap. "You talked to Emmett?"

"Eavesdropping?" I teased.

"No, just hoping." His cheeks dimpled and coloured slightly.

"He's gonna be here in about thirty minutes to see me. When we're done, you can finish up if you want and go with him."

"Awesome! So...things weren't awkward at all?"

"No, we discussed the elephant in the room first off," I said with a small grin. "I'm sure I could work with him."

The meeting with Emmett went well enough. I showed him around and discussed what he did at Global. I was curious as to why such a big operation was cutting staff, but I didn't ask at that point. They were my biggest competitor and if they were struggling in some way, it would only be to my benefit.

"When do you leave?" I asked him now.

"End of next week. They gave me a month's notice."

"Well, I'm happy to offer you a job as trainer," I said. "It'll be on a three-month trial to start and the salary will be fifty-five. I'm guessing that's probably a bit less than Global pay?"

"Not very much," Emmett grinned. "Thanks, I appreciate this. When do you want me to start?"

"Come in at eight a week from Monday and we'll figure out a roster with the other trainers."

The big man grinned from ear to ear and shook my hand vigorously. Edward appeared then, ready to leave, and I watched in amusement as they gazed at each other and laced fingers together before walking out side by side, Edward repeatedly glancing at Emmett with an adoring look on his face. They were obviously happy together and I found myself hoping it would last.

The last few hours before I closed up for the night were quiet. Only a few determined fitness enthusiasts continued working out and by the time I was ready to lock up, I noticed Embry hanging around in the foyer waiting for me.

"Thought we'd have a few beers," he said when I joined him. "If you want."

"Yeah." The thought of returning to my lonely motel room right away wasn't appealing. I longed for some form of company although I wasn't sure how sociable I would be. I supposed I could have been in the apartment that week while it was empty, but I knew Leah didn't want me there and at the same time, I didn't want to be surrounded by everything from our life together. I'd been back once to collect a few things I needed, but otherwise remained in the motel.

"How are you?" Embry asked as we headed into a bar we had been to many times.

"How do you think?" I sighed heavily and went to find a seat while he collected drinks from the bar and then joined me with two bottles each.

"Have you talked to Leah at all?"

"No. I guess I will when she comes home."

"She's called Marie once or twice that I know of," Embry said. "It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants to do yet."

"It must be hard for her. She found out about all this in the worst possible way. She said to me that if it was another girl, she could have handled it, even if it meant kicking the shit out of her..."

"Huh, that sounds like Leah," Embry grinned.

"She doesn't understand what happened though. I guess it must be hard to accept me...being like this."

"Jake, it knocked me for six, I admit. I never had a clue. What I don't get is how you could spend all those years with Leah and seem happy, if you're gay."

"I convinced myself I was bi. I did love her and want her...hell, I still love her," I sighed. "It's hard to explain. I didn't want to be what my Dad told me was so wrong so I kept talking myself out of it until it...got too much."

"How many times?" he asked.

"Four before I met Paul."

Embry frowned over the top of his beer bottle.

"Em, you don't have to look like that. I'm a complete shit, I know that. I hate myself for how I've behaved. I wish to God I'd just been honest from the beginning and none of us would be here right now."

I did my best to explain to him how I'd struggled and he said he understood, but his disapproval of the way I'd gone about things was obvious and eventually I changed the subject. We talked about baseball and work and the fact that he and Marie had decided to try for a baby and the few hours I spent with him took my mind off the impending return of Leah the following day, when I both dreaded and anticipated speaking to her again. I expected things to be beyond difficult, but I was eager to hear that I could see Sarah; hoped that I might even be able to spend time with her the next day.

I finally went back to the motel just after midnight and again I barely slept. By the time I got up again at seven, I both felt and looked like hell. I took a cold shower, followed by a long hot one, shaved and put on one of the few clean shirts I had left in the room. I had neglected to find a laundromat that week and a large pile of dirty laundry resided in the corner of the room. I was going to have to attend to it over the weekend or I'd have no shirts, socks or underwear to put on by Monday.

I went out then and collected a stuffed bagel and a large strong coffee from a nearby diner and then returned to the room. All I could do was wait and I switched on the TV and flicked absently through the channels while I hoped and prayed that Leah wouldn't keep Sarah from me and that our conversation wouldn't be too difficult. It couldn't be any worse than the last one, however, and I continued to wait, repeatedly glancing at my phone as the hours passed.

I went out again around midday to get my laundry done, spending ninety minutes sitting watching the clothes spinning around in first the washing machine and then the drier. I picked up a sandwich and another drink on the short walk back to the motel and then again I sat and waited and repeatedly checked the time. Three o'clock came and then four and then five. My phone jingled with Sarah's ringtone and I snatched it up, my heart racing.

"Hey, baby, are you home yet?"

"Yes." I heard a loud sniff and then a muffled sob and I cursed silently. Leah must have told her.

"Sarah?"

"Mommy said you're not going to live with us any more."

"What did she say exactly?" I scowled and clenched my fist. I knew Leah was hurt and furious, but I thought she would at least have sent me a text to tell me what was happening rather than let Sarah give me the news.

"She said...you and her don't want to live together any more...but that you still love me."

"Well, that's true," I said in relief. "Did she say anything else?"

"Not very much. She just looks really sad."

"Sarah, let me have the phone a minute, honey," I heard Leah's voice say and my racing heart stuttered, my mouth turning dry as I waited for her to speak to me. I heard rustling and fumbling as the phone was passed from one to the other.

"Leah?"

"Jacob. Sarah wants to see you; perhaps you could come pick her up and take her for dinner or something. I want her back by eight for bedtime; then we'll talk."

"No problem," I said at once and with huge relief. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Thank you, Leah."

She didn't answer and a second later I heard a click as she ended the call. I leapt to my feet and shoved the phone into my pocket, grabbed my wallet and the key to the room and pushed my feet into a pair of shoes. I was so delighted at the prospect of spending a few hours with Sarah, that for the moment the conversation with Leah that would follow didn't worry me. She wasn't going to keep me from seeing my daughter and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I raced out of the room, slammed the door and began to jog to the apartment, a smile on my face that had been missing for the past week.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N - First, thanks a million to everyone who voted for "The Chains That Bind Us" at Twifanfictionrecs. I was delighted that the story won third place!**

**Secondly *blush* "Eternally United" has now been nominated for August's Top 10 at Twifanfictionrecs so if you enjoyed the final part of the trilogy, please vote for me. Thanks so much. xx**

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I rode up in the elevator with my heart pounding and for the first time ever, I knocked on my own door. Leah opened it almost immediately and glanced up at me with a defiant look on her face.

"Come in, Sarah's in the bathroom."

I stepped in and closed the door. I felt oddly like a stranger in my own home, even though it had only been a week and I hovered on the spot.

"What do you want me to tell her? She's bound to ask questions," I said.

"Well, on this occasion, I don't think the truth is appropriate," she replied through her teeth. "I told her we have differences and that we can't live together any more. We love her, but not each other."

I sighed heavily. "I do love you, Leah."

"Don't complicate things."

I didn't have the chance to respond before Sarah came out of the bathroom and launched herself at me and I scooped her up, hugging her until she shoved at me and said she couldn't breathe.

"Eight o'clock," Leah reminded me and then we were out of the door and heading for the elevator again, Sarah tugging excitedly at my hand.

"Where are we going? Mommy said you're taking me to dinner."

"Well, what would you like to eat?"

"Fried chicken and ice cream," Sarah said at once.

"Mom won't be pleased if you eat things like that before bed," I grinned.

"I won't tell her. Please, Daddy? I haven't seen you for a _week!"_ she exclaimed, as if I needed to make up for my absence with treats.

"Alright, we'll go to that diner where we have brunch sometimes." I would have been willing to give her anything she wanted at that point. I'd missed her terribly and things weren't going to get any better, even with her back in New York. I doubted I would have the opportunity to see her during the week which only left Saturdays. I would probably end up being a weekend Dad, like so many kids had these days and I didn't like the idea one bit.

It wasn't until we were in the diner wiping our fingers on the napkins after the fried chicken and waiting for the ice cream sundae we ordered that Sarah mentioned the situation. Up until then she had kept up an almost constant stream of chatter about what she had been doing with her grandparents, but now suddenly she stared at me with a slight frown on her face.

"Daddy, are you gonna come home tonight?"

"Well, I'm taking you home."

"I know, but are you staying? Mommy said you're living somewhere else now."

"I am," I said. "I don't think I'll be coming home to stay."

"Why not? Don't you love us any more?" Her bottom lip stuck out and she dropped her eyes to the table and I cursed silently.

"Sweetheart, I love you more than anything," I said earnestly. "That is never going to change and I'm always going to be here for you, any time you want to talk to me or see me."

"Then why can't you come home? Did you and Mommy fight? I keep wanting to ask her things, but she looks upset all the time; I don't like to."

"We just want different things. I still care about your Mom and I always will, but...we don't want to be together any more." I swallowed the lump in my throat with difficulty. I had no idea if I was saying the right thing, but at least I was telling her more or less the same thing that Leah had.

"Will I get to see you every Saturday?" Sarah asked.

"Of course you will, as long as you're not doing anything else with Mommy."

"She'll have me all week; I'll tell her Saturday is your day," she said firmly and then turned her attention away from me as a huge strawberry ice cream sundae appeared in front of her. "Wow, is all that for me? Aren't you having one?"

"I'm going to have just a few tastes of yours. If you eat all that yourself you'll get sick and Mom won't be happy."

Sarah giggled and stuck one of the long-handled spoons into the middle of the sundae and crammed a huge scoop of it into her mouth. We shared the creation and then I paid the check. Sarah had already decided she wanted to go to the park for the rest of the evening and I took her on a horse and carriage ride before we walked slowly back to the apartments. At one point she asked where I was living and if she could visit and it made me realise I needed to look for something more permanent than a motel room. There would be no going back now and I might as well stop waiting in limbo and move forward. The only problem I had was that the penthouse came at a price and to find another place for me in Manhattan was going to stretch me if I wanted something more than a studio. I would never ask Leah to move out of there to a cheaper place. I would think about it over the next few days, I decided.

When we reached the apartment, I waited awkwardly in the kitchen while Sarah got ready for bed and came to kiss me goodnight. Then Leah came in and closed the door so that Sarah wouldn't hear us talking.

"You want coffee?"

"No, thank you."

She nodded briefly and sat down at the breakfast bar and after a short hesitation I sat too.

"Did she ask about us?" Leah said.

"Yes, I told her the same thing you did."

"I've been trying to make sense of what you told me," she went on. "Why did you stay with me if you kept wanting to be with guys?"

"Because I love you and Sarah. I never wanted to hurt you. You never did a thing wrong, Leah, I was just trying to pretend I wasn't...what I am."

"All these years...why didn't you just tell me at the beginning?"

"Because I never thought it would be a problem back then. When I met you, you were all I wanted; all I could think about. It was all new and exciting and we did everything together. Then you got pregnant and..."

"You felt obligated to stay with me? To marry me because of our parents?"

"No!" I exclaimed and then hushed myself quickly. "I wanted to do the right thing and I wanted a life with you and Sarah. I didn't even think about...anything else for another couple of years. Then when I did I kept on fighting it. I don't know if you even want to hear this..."

"I don't particularly, but I need to understand. Do you feel like you wasted the last ten years of your life when you could have been with a...?"

"No," I interrupted at once. "Don't ever think that. I was happy, most of the time and we have Sarah. I would never wish myself back in time; not having her would just be unthinkable. But I guess I wasn't being true to myself and eventually it started to bother me more and more. I was confused about what I wanted and I hated myself for my thoughts and what I...did."

"I've been thinking about it all week," Leah said. "Trying to make sense of it all. I felt like the Jake I know just didn't exist any more. I was shocked and I felt like you kicked the stuffing out of me. I want to tell you to go to hell and if it were just me, I'd do that; but it wouldn't be fair on Sarah. I don't want her growing up without a father like so many kids do these days. Assuming you want to go on being part of her life?"

"How can you even ask that?" I gasped.

"Well, how am I supposed to know what's going on in your head, Jacob? I had to find out that you like _cock_ by prying into your phone!" she spat suddenly. "I saw the picture too. I'm sure there was more, but I was too busy vomiting to check!"

"God," I groaned, sinking my head into my hands. "I'm so sorry."

"How long would you have gone on with things the way they were if I hadn't found out?"

"I told you, I meant to tell you when you got home from your parents'. That was the truth; I realised I couldn't go on the way I was."

"It took you ten years to realise it. I think you'd have just carried on indefinitely if it hadn't been for that _Paul. _I guess I'll never know, though." She sighed heavily and got up to pour herself a glass of water. "You said you love him."

"Yes."

"So, is he here?"

"No, I haven't seen him since I was in Boston."

"Not playing happy families, then."

"No, I'm not living with him and I don't plan to. We haven't even talked about whether we have a future."

"I don't want Sarah knowing anything about this. If he does come here to be with you, I don't want her going to your place and I don't want him with you when you take her out. She wouldn't understand and I'd say the same thing if it was a woman."

"I'd never do that," I said at once. "Sarah is the most important thing to me in all of this. Whatever else happens, I'll always put her first."

"Were you putting her first when you decided to break up our family?"

I was silent for a moment. I felt worse as the conversation continued and I knew I deserved to. There wasn't anything I could say or do to make things any better.

"Don't bother to answer that," Leah sighed. "Where will you be living?"

"I'm still at the motel; I'm gonna look for somewhere else. Don't worry about the bills or the rent here; I'll continue to take care of everything and send you some extra for Sarah and for yourself."

"Can you afford it with another place as well?"

"Let me worry about that."

"Thanks," she muttered and nodded.

"Are you ok?" I asked. "I know that's a stupid question..."

"Yeah, it is. How do you expect me to answer something like that? Am I ok? No, Jake, I'm not ok, but I will be. I spent the last week wondering what the hell I did wrong, even though you're the one that fucked up. I suppose I've accepted the idea that we are finished; getting over it's another matter."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I hate what I've done to you."

"So you keep saying. I'm more concerned about Sarah."

"Will you let me see her regularly?"

"Of course. Seeing you when we got back has been all she's talked about for the past few days. You can have her Saturdays, if that's still going to be your day off."

"Yeah, it is. I might have more time soon as well. I interviewed some people for an assistant for Edward; whichever one we choose will start in two or three weeks."

"Ok. You better go now, I have some things I want to do."

"Sure." I got to my feet quickly.

"Sarah will probably want to call you in between Saturdays..."

"She can call me any time she wants on my cell, whether I'm at work or not," I said at once. "You too, if you need anything."

She gave me another curt nod. "Goodbye, Jacob."

"Goodbye." I let myself out of the apartment quietly and made my way slowly back to the motel on foot. I'd known for a week that it was over, but saying 'goodbye' this time had been so final. Suddenly after eleven years I was alone and I felt a wrenching pain in my heart that my own selfish wants had been the cause of it all.

I stripped out of my clothes, took a shower and stretched out on the bed, leaving the TV off and the room dark. I felt a sense of emptiness, but at the same time relief that at least Sarah was going to continue to be part of my life. A few tears slipped from the corners of my eyes as I thought about what I had lost, but later, I slept better than I had done all week and I woke feeling refreshed and ready to get on with things.

The next few days were busy enough to keep me from thinking too much. The three candidates for the assistant manager's job came in for second interviews which Edward was a part of and between us we selected a young guy named Collin, who although only twenty-four years old, was already managing a small establishment in Queens. The owners were facing bankruptcy and he would shortly be out of a job, so it was agreed that he would start work in a month's time. He had an easygoing personality and immediately hit it off with Edward, so he was easily the best choice.

I spent some time looking for a suitable apartment to rent, but currently there was nothing available. There were tiny studios with barely room to turn around, large apartments that I didn't need and couldn't afford, or ideal premises which were way to far out of Manhattan to be feasible. I was still in the motel room and it seemed that I was destined to stay there for the time being, until Edward suggested the upper floor of the gym. I rented the entire building and the top floor was used only for storage, but it had once, years before, served as accommodation and was already fitted with a bathroom and kitchen. These were badly in need of updating and the whole place would need cleaning and decorating, but it was the best option I had and if the owners didn't mind and I could get permission from the authorities to live there, it wouldn't cost me anything.

I immediately set about looking into the option and the owner, who was a retired guy enjoying my monthly rental by taking cruises and idling his time away, stated that he didn't care what I did with the place as long as I kept paying the rent. I spent the whole of the next day speaking to an endless string of useless shirts until I finally obtained instructions on how to apply to turn the upper floor back into accommodation and in the meantime, feeling certain of success, I hired a cleaning company and then some decorators to at least freshen the place up. The floor space was huge and would make an amazing place to live, as well as the convenience of me only having to run down the stairs to work each morning.

I didn't hear from Paul until almost the end of the week, but I guessed he was busy on the trip to Chicago that he had mentioned and he probably wanted to give me some space at the same time. I found that I was thinking more about him than anything else by the weekend and I had to firmly push him to the back of my mind when I spent Saturday taking Sarah shopping and buying her all manner of treats - a pair of shoes, fancy little things to put in her hair, a book and a stuffed animal. I returned her to Leah at six o'clock after dinner, but this time I didn't go into the apartment, even though Sarah begged for me to go in and watch a television programme with her.

"Dad has things to do," Leah said firmly, sending me a look which said I wouldn't argue if I knew what was good for me.

"But I want him to stay!" Sarah suddenly threw the bags she held onto the floor and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and beginning to sob loudly. It was the first time she had really gotten upset about the situation and now she wailed and snuffled while Leah's face became slightly pained and then resigned.

"You better come in for a while."

I stayed an hour and watched the programme and when I got up to leave again, this time Sarah let me go, although she had slipped into a sulky silence and watched sadly as I headed for the door, not even opening her mouth to say goodbye. I hated that the situation was beginning to affect her so badly; that I couldn't be there for her all the time, and I could only hope that she would grow to accept that Leah and I wouldn't be getting back together.

As I walked back to the motel, I pulled out my cellphone and realised I'd received a text message perhaps an hour earlier, although I hadn't heard the phone beep. It was from Paul and my pulse quickened as I opened it. With everything else that had been going on, I had even asked myself whether what I felt for him was real, but suddenly I longed to see him.

'Back home now. Call me any time if you want to. P.'

It was short and to the point and I imagined he was unsure if I would still want to see him. I called him right away and impatiently counted five rings before he answered.

"Hey, Jake."

"Hey. How was Chicago?"

"Yeah, it was good. Got a decent amount of new orders in. How are you?"

"I'm ok."

"I wasn't sure if you'd call."

"I want to see you!" I blurted immediately. "Things have been...difficult...but I'm ok. I've been thinking about you."

"It's definitely over...with your wife?"

"Yes. I'm still in a motel right now, but I'm turning the upper floor of the gym into a place to live. I'm hoping to be in there in a couple of weeks."

"Oh! Cool." He sounded surprised and I wondered if he had worried that I might have gone back to Leah and tried to fix things. "So...you want to see me."

"Yes, if that's what you want." I reached the motel and let myself into my room.

"Yeah. I can get down to New York next weekend..."

"I...um...I can't do anything Saturday," I said quickly. "I'm sorry. It's the only day I get to see my daughter right now."

"Ok."

"What about Friday night? Or Sunday?"

"Sure. I'm not working Friday, I'll come down in the morning and then we can figure something out."

Suddenly things seemed awkward and I was disappointed when I couldn't think of anything else to say to him and he seemed keen to get off the phone. He said he'd be in touch with me during the week to let me know what time he'd be arriving in the city and then said goodbye. I sat down with a sigh, my heart sinking, hoping that things would be different when I saw him.

The following day at work, both Edward and I were fidgety and impatient. He had spent the night with Emmett and was both excited and nervous about his lover starting to work with us the following day. In turn, I was anxious and excited about seeing Paul in just a few more days and hoping that we would be able to put any awkwardness aside and simply enjoy being with each other. Strangely I wasn't thinking about sex, but I guessed that was understandable given the amount of stress I had been under and this wasn't helped when Leah and Sarah arrived at the gym just after lunch, Sarah still upset about my absence and having refused to do anything Leah told her until she got to see me. They stayed an hour and she seemed better by the end of it, but again I was left feeling guilty and sad that through all of this, my daughter was suffering.

It was a long week. Emmett's first day went well on the whole. He proved to be an excellent trainer and amused both me and Edward by the amount of female attention he got. He was huge and bulging with muscles, and clad in shorts and a tank-top, he showed himself off to the best of his ability. He had a constant stream of requests for training sessions from women ranging from young to old, while Edward watched smugly, obviously secure in the knowledge that Emmett only had eyes for him.

I received the go-ahead from the authorities to turn the upper floor back into accommodation, much quicker than I'd anticipated. I only submitted the form early Monday morning, but by Wednesday I'd received approval, which I learned had been helped by the owner putting in a word for me. All that was required, was an inspection once the place was ready for me to move in. The decorators were well on the way to finishing the main open-plan area and I took the opportunity to send for kitchen and bathroom fitters to give their recommendations on improving the facilities without actually ripping everything out and starting from the beginning.

Sarah called me every afternoon when school finished and I was relieved to hear her sounding positive and excited again as she told me about a planned school trip to Coney Island, although she wished Leah and I could go with her instead. I promised I would take her on a day out one Saturday soon and added that she would soon be able to come and see my new home above the gym.

By the time Friday arrived, my excitement over seeing Paul had begun to take over everything else and I waited impatiently to hear from him. He had sent me a text the day before to let me know he would be arriving by train around eleven-thirty and intended to check himself into the same hotel he stayed in before. Edward and Emmett both agreed to work Friday night and instead take Sunday off to do something together, which meant that I could potentially leave at whatever time I wanted.

Paul called me at noon from the hotel and asked if I could get away to have lunch with him and after a brief few words with Edward, I agreed. I had come to work in jeans and a shirt that morning in anticipation of this and now I hurried out of the gym and made my way to the hotel, my heart pounding in my chest and my palms sweating. It almost felt like the first time of seeing him again and when I arrived and went to look for him in the hotel lounge, my mouth was dry and I was thinking about all the things that could go wrong, even though there was no reason why anything should. I wanted him and he clearly still wanted me. The last time we had spent together in Boston had been amazing and I told myself I was just being stupid.

Paul was sitting by the window, looking at something on his phone, but he raised his head as I approached, then quickly put the device into his pocket and got up. My mouth almost watered as I looked at him. He was wearing his customary painted-on jeans, a half-unfastened shirt hanging loose over them, his hair cropped shorter than the last time I'd seen him. He shot me a broad grin and when I reached him, it was instinctive for us to just hug each other, regardless of who might be watching.

"I missed you," I whispered.

"Me too." He gave me a brief, tighter hug and then backed up and let me go. "I reserved us a table in the dining room."

"Ok."

We headed into the other large room set with many tables, Paul indicating one in the corner by the bar. We made small talk about his trip to Chicago and my efforts to get the upper floor of the gym ready to live in while we waited for the beers we ordered and chose from the menu, both of us opting for steak. I felt a little nervous and awkward, my heart racing and my hand shaking slightly whenever I picked up my glass. Nothing had changed; the air between us seemed to sizzle with energy and after a couple of weeks of not even thinking about it, I felt my pants tightening as I looked across the table at him, my gaze flicking from his brown eyes to the caramel skin visible in the open part of his shirt.

We ate only a main course and then ordered coffee, neither of us interested in dessert. I imagined us leaving the table, heading up to his room, tearing at each other's clothes in our eagerness to get naked; his hands and mouth on me; falling onto the bed together. I almost groaned aloud and I slid my hand beneath the table to surreptitiously adjust my jeans which were almost crushing my cock and Paul grinned, eyes twinkling as he obviously knew what I was doing. Much to my irritation my phone rang in my pocket and I dropped my eyes from his with a frown.

"I'm sorry, Paul."

"It's ok, go on and get it." He leaned back in his chair and finished his coffee while I pulled the phone out, noting Leah's name on the screen. Why did she have to call now?

"Hey, is everything ok?" I answered.

Paul looked at me over the rim of his coffee cup, one eyebrow raised slightly.

"Jacob!" Leah cried. "You need to come now; Sarah's been hurt!"


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Panic filled me as I listened to Leah telling me that Sarah had fallen from some kind of monkey frame at school during the lunch break. She had broken her leg - a nasty compound fracture - and they were already at the hospital. Leah was waiting in a small family room while Sarah went to surgery. I hung up feeling a little sick and jumped up from the table.

"What happened?" Paul got to his feet as well.

"Sarah broke her leg; she's in surgery. I'm so sorry; I have to go to the hospital."

"Of course you do. I hope she's ok."

"Yeah." I didn't miss the look of disappointment in his eyes and my own heart sank as I imagined this brief lunch together could be all the time we would get. It wasn't fair on him; I wasn't being fair by expecting him to wait for snatched moments with me whenever I could fit him in, but I couldn't really think about it properly at that point.

"Go; it doesn't matter. Just call me or something," he said.

"Are you staying?"

"I'm booked in until Sunday evening. Let me know how things are."

"Yeah. Thanks. Um...sorry." I fled the hotel, my heart in my mouth and raced for the closest subway. My little girl was hurt and I had to get to her as fast as possible. That was the only thought in my mind as I stood impatiently by the doors on the train, ignoring the number of empty seats in the carriage and watching the stations pass slowly until at last I was as near to the Presbyterian Hospital as I could get. In another minute I was at street level, running towards the entrance, dodging around people until I was forced to slow down and walk as I entered the building and presented myself at the front desk.

"Sarah Black, came in with a broken leg, I'm her father," I panted and much to my relief was immediately directed along a corridor and to a room off to one side where I found Leah. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, lips trembling as she sat waiting with clenched fists.

"Leah!" I sat down next to her and automatically wrapped both arms around her. She sagged against me with a groan.

"Oh, Jake, you should have seen her. I got to the school before the ambulance did; it was held up. There was a motorcycle paramedic there, but he was only able to hook a drip up and give her some pain relief, which wasn't much. It's her left shin bone. She lost an awful lot of blood." She began to sob and I rested my chin on the top of her head, grinding my teeth and praying that Sarah would be alright; that the operation would be successful.

"What about the gym?" Leah sniffed after a moment, her face still buried in my neck.

"Never mind the gym; Edward and Emmett are taking care of things." I didn't think it wise to tell her right now that I'd taken the afternoon off to see Paul; I wanted to comfort her, not upset her more.

"Emmett?" she queried.

"Edward's partner; I hired him as a new trainer. Seems a decent guy."

"I always thought Edward was gay." She drew away from me and sat up straight again, wiping her eyes on a much-used cotton handkerchief she had clutched in one hand. "Obviously he wasn't so good at hiding it."

"Leah..."

"Sorry. I don't even want to think about that at the moment."

"Then don't. I'm here for you and Sarah; nothing else matters."

She nodded and hung her head. "I wish I knew what was happening. They said it could be a few hours. What if something goes wrong? I couldn't bear it!"

"Hey." I reached out and grasped her hand in mine, squeezing it firmly. "She's a tough cookie and I'm sure she's in good hands." I did my best to sound positive, but inside I was terrified, thinking of all the worst case scenarios; she might not come around from the anaesthetic; they might have to amputate; infection could set in. We could lose her and I had walked away from both her and Leah like the selfish jerk I was. Sarah might have spent the last couple of weeks of her life miserable because her Daddy wasn't home.

"Jake, you're crying," Leah murmured.

I sniffed hard. "Sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I wish things were different; that I could be different."

"I know."

We didn't talk any more for some time. I kept looking up at the clock on the wall and noticing that another ten minutes had passed by and then another. Gradually the afternoon slipped away and finally at five o'clock the door opened and a doctor dressed in scrubs came in to talk to us. We leapt to our feet as one, still holding hands.

"Mr and Mrs Black..."

"How is she?" I demanded.

"The surgery was a complete success. There was a small complication in theatre, but nothing to worry about. We've inserted screws into the leg bone to ensure it heals straight and those will stay in, possibly permanently. For the moment, until the wound heals, we can't apply a cast, so your daughter will have to stay here for up to two or three weeks. Once we can get her in plaster, she'll be safe to go home."

"Oh, God," I groaned.

"Is she awake?" Leah asked.

"Not yet, but we're expecting her to regain consciousness very soon. You can sit with her if you want to; she'll feel better seeing you there when she opens her eyes. If you'd like to follow me..."

We immediately followed the surgeon and after a moment we were introduced to a nurse, also named Sarah, who took us to the private room our daughter had been allocated. A second nurse was in the room monitoring her and I took in the drip suspended above the bed, the cage beneath the sheets keeping the weight of them off of Sarah's leg, the heart monitor beeping away steadily. Leah sank into the chair beside the bed at once and grasped Sarah's hand in both of hers and I hovered next to her. Our little girl looked so lost and tiny in the hospital bed, her face pale and eyelids dark, her hair hidden beneath a blue hospital cap.

"She looks so small and fragile," Leah whispered as if she'd read my mind.

"I know. I can't believe this happened to her. She's always so careful."

"Her teacher said she was right up on the top of that frame contraption. They told her to get down and she started to do that, but slipped. It was only about four or five feet, but she must have fallen awkwardly."

"They need to get rid of that thing," I grunted. "It's a wonder there aren't more accidents; it must be as old as we are."

"I'm sure they will get rid of it now. Or they will when we get a lawyer onto it. Oh!"

"What?"

"Her hand moved; I think she's waking up." Leah leaned closer to Sarah, watching her face eagerly and I did the same. She let out a small moan and her eyelids fluttered, then rose slowly.

"Mommy? Daddy!" Her voice was faint and weak, but a small smile touched her lips.

"We're here, sweetheart," Leah said.

"I fell." Her eyes closed again. "I'm sleepy."

"We'll be here when you wake up," I assured her.

"She'll probably sleep for a few hours," the nurse told us. "You can stay here as long as you want to."

"Thanks," Leah answered. "Will she be in pain when she wakes up?"

"Yes, unfortunately, but we can give her something. One of us will be in and out every so often, but if you need us to come, just press that buzzer there." She indicated a red button above the bed and then slipped out of the room. I went around the other side of the bed to grab the spare chair from the corner, carrying it back to place beside Leah's. It was only then that I thought about Paul again and felt a pang of guilt, both over having him come to New York to see me and then abandoning him, and for thinking about him while my daughter lay in hospital after surgery. I would have to at least text Paul, but there was no question of me seeing him again that day.

"Leah, would you like coffee or something?" I asked.

"Yes, thanks." She nodded without looking up and I left the room and went to find a vending machine, taking the opportunity to text Paul.

'So sorry I had to leave. My daughter has a real nasty leg break. Think she'll be ok, but I need to stay here.'

'No problem. Let me know how it goes.' His answer came while I was waiting for the second cup of coffee to fill and then I switched the phone to silent mode and returned to Leah. It was going to be a long evening and night.

For the first hour or so, we sat in silence, sipping the bitter coffee and dwelling on our own thoughts. Eventually Leah spoke, her voice startling me out of my painful realisation that Sarah was going to need both of us a lot more for several weeks, possibly months and that it wasn't fair of me to expect Paul to keep on waiting indefinitely for me to sort things out. Sarah would automatically come first in my life and at the moment, I needed to be there for Leah too. I would have to talk to him; tell him I couldn't be with him.

"Did you find an assistant manager for the gym yet?"

"Uh...yes, a guy named Collin Littlesea." I told her about his background and the interview process, adding that he would be starting work in two weeks' time. "It'll give me more free time to be with Sarah. Obviously it's going to be some time before she's on her feet again. I mean, if you don't mind me being around..."

"I don't mind," she said quietly. "Sarah's gonna need you. I've started working..."

"You have a job?" I interrupted.

"No, I mean I'm studying. I signed up for an online accounts course. I figured if I could get some sort of qualification I could keep books for a few small businesses, make some money. The course takes two years, but if I put the hours in I could in theory complete it in one. When Sarah goes to highschool next year I won't need to be around so much."

"You know you don't have to work."

"Jake, we're going to be leading separate lives. Of course I want you to support Sarah and I appreciate you continuing to keep us in the apartment, but I always wanted to do something when she got a bit older. Now seems a good time to begin."

"Ok, well, good luck. I'm sure you won't need it; you nailed everything at school without even trying."

"That was ten years ago, Jacob."

"You telling me your brain rotted away with lack of use?" I teased.

"No." Her lips twitched slightly. "It'll just take some getting used to, being a student again."

"Well, anything you want me to do - be with Sarah so you can work, take her places, whatever, just let me know," I said. "Like I said, with Collin on board I won't need to be at the gym half as much if I'm needed elsewhere."

"Thank you. What about...Paul?"

I let out a heavy sigh before I could stop myself. "It's not the right time."

"I thought he was important to you."

"Sarah's more important; so are you right now."

"You don't have to do that. As much as I might hate the situation; the way you did things and the way it all came out, I don't want you to be miserable."

"I won't be. Don't worry about me, ok? You should be kicking me in the balls over it."

"I have been doing in my head, but really, what's the point? I've started to accept what happened. I don't hate you, Jacob, only what you did and like you said, Sarah's more important. I don't want hostility between us, especially now when she needs us. It'll only upset her more. She's hurt enough that you moved out."

I grimaced and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. "I know. I know I fucked everything up."

Leah fell silent again and it was some time before we spoke again, then keeping away from the subject of my transgressions and instead talking about Sarah, Leah's course, my prospective new home above the gym and so on. Hours passed and Leah went to stretch her legs and fetch sandwiches from the cafeteria which we both nibbled at without enthusiasm while we waited for Sarah to wake. It was later that night before she opened her eyes again. Leah had fallen asleep in her chair and I was reading a newspaper, glancing up every few minutes and taking a look at Sarah. Then suddenly her eyes fluttered open again and she licked her lips.

"Daddy, I'm thirsty."

It took me a moment to find a nurse and ask if Sarah could have some water and by the time I had poured a small amount into a paper cup for her, the pain had kicked in and she was crying too much to drink. Leah was gripping Sarah's hand, silently crying along with her while some pain medication was administered, mercifully working quickly. She was still drowsy, but awake enough to speak to us for a few minutes.

"When can I come home?" she asked.

"Not for a while, honey, we need to give your leg some time to heal. Then the doctor's going to put a plaster cast on it for you."

"Cool! When can I go back to school?"

"Not right away. We might have to get work sent home for you for a few weeks," Leah answered again.

"Will you come see me, Daddy?" She turned sorrowful brown eyes on me and bit her lip.

"All the time, I promise. You know Edward at the gym? Crazy-haired Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I got him an assistant to work with him, so I can have more time off."

"Daddy can help you with your schoolwork while I do my studying," Leah said, giving me a slight smile.

"See? I'll be there all the time until you're on your feet again."

"Good. I'm tired again now." She went out like a light before either of us had chance to respond and I leaned back in the chair with a sigh.

"You sure that's ok? Me being at the apartment?"

"Yes, it'll be fine. She needs you and I do have to work."

"Thanks." I relaxed a little, but at the same time I still felt horrible about Paul. My heart ached when I thought about talking to him the next morning, when I planned to go to his hotel. It was just the wrong time for us and I'd been far too selfish up to now with other people's feelings without adding to it by keeping him hanging on. It was bad enough that I'd made promises to him that I would be free to be with him and let him hope that we might have a future.

The night crawled by with both Leah and me refusing to leave Sarah's bedside except for brief trips to the rest rooms and for refreshments. We both napped in our chairs and woke with stiff necks as daylight seeped in through the blind hanging across the small window. A nurse was removing Sarah's drip and promising her that she could have eggs and toast for breakfast in another hour or so.

I yawned and stretched, smoothing down my rumpled shirt and grimacing at the sour taste in my mouth and my empty stomach.

"Hey, sweetheart, how are you feeling?" I asked Sarah and immediately Leah opened her eyes too and straightened up.

"I'm ok. Did you sleep in those chairs?"

"Yes, a bit." I stretched again and groaned.

"You should have gone to bed."

"Yeah, I guess I should. Leah, do you want to go home and get a shower and a change of clothes or anything?"

She decided this would be a good idea and I stayed at the hospital while she went home and returned in a different outfit and with some nightdresses for Sarah, along with the stuffed animal I had bought her, a book to read and some comics.

"I guess I better go and freshen up," I said. "Did you eat, Leah?"

"I just grabbed some fruit."

"I'll bring some lunch back for us all," I promised. When I left, I headed straight back to the motel, took a quick shower and put on some clean clothes and then made my way to Paul's hotel, my stomach churning with the thought of what I was going to say to him. What I really wanted to do was throw myself into his arms and tell him, finally, that I loved him, but I was going to do the exact opposite.

I didn't text in advance, unsure of what to say, and instead asked the concierge to call Paul's room and let him know I was there. A moment later I was given the room number and advised to go up. The room was on the same floor at the one he'd stayed in previously and when I knocked, he opened the door immediately as if he'd been standing on the other side of it.

"Hey, how's your daughter?" he asked, stepping back to let me in.

"She's gonna be ok. She has pins in her leg and they can't put a cast on it until the wound heals, but, you know..." I just shrugged, feeling completely dejected.

"That's good," Paul said. "How are you? Been up all night?"

"Yeah. I'm ok. Look...Paul..." I paused and cleared my throat. "I hardly know what to say right now. I'm a mess and I don't know that I can give you what you want...what I wanted..."

Paul took a deep breath and pushed his hands into his pockets, avoiding my eyes. "I knew this would happen."

"I'm so sorry," I groaned. "I want you...so much...I just...I can't do this; not right now."

"Yeah, I know." He gritted his teeth and turned away from me, walking slowly to the other side of the room before he faced me again. "Like I said, I knew it was heading this way. I should have listened to my head after that first time. I told myself getting involved with a married guy was a mistake; I just couldn't seem to help myself. I think we need to walk away from each other and put it down to bad timing."

"God." I swallowed the lump in my throat with difficulty. I was used to feeling self-hatred for all the times I'd cheated on Leah and for hurting her and causing Sarah pain, but now I felt it even more keenly. Paul and me hadn't stood a chance and it was all down to my actions; the way I'd gone about everything, thinking only of myself mostly. Now the one person I desperately wanted was lost to me and again, I had only myself to blame. "I'm sorry, Paul," I whispered.

"I know," he repeated. "You better go."

I stood there for a few more seconds, trying to think of something to say that would improve things, but nothing would. Then I opened the door and slipped out, closing it quietly behind me. I leaned on the wall in the corridor as my tears spilled over, tracking down my face silently as I determinedly stifled any sound. A moment later a loud bang on the door two feet from my head startled me and I almost choked, trying to hold my breath.

_"Fuck!"_ Paul's snarl was barely muffled by the closed door and another bang followed as if he was punching the door. I felt sick with myself, a feeling that had been very familiar over the past few weeks. I had caused pain to the three people who meant the most to me and there was nothing I could do to make them feel better, with the exception of Sarah who only wanted to see me as much as possible; that was at least something I could do right.

Slowly I walked away, wiping my face on my shirt sleeves, although fresh tears continued to leak from my eyes, even after I left the hotel and went looking for a diner to collect lunches before I went back to the hospital. Eventually I ducked into an alley until I could get control of myself, taking deep breaths until I imagined I was at least reasonably fit to be seen. Then all I could do was try not to think about Paul and to concentrate on Sarah and Leah instead, making sure that I did everything I could to help them and to ignore my own pain.

I went into the diner and had them make up some fresh sandwiches with an assortment of breads and fillings and to pack up several slices of different types of cakes. I added bottles of fresh squeezed juice and milkshakes and left with a paper sack of food sufficient to keep us going all day.

By the time I returned to the hospital, Leah was strolling up and down the corridor outside Sarah's room and she told me the nurses were changing the dressing on Sarah's leg and giving her a freshen up, so we waited together until we were told we could go back in to our daughter. Sarah was now wearing one of her own pink nightgowns, her hair neatly brushed and tied back with a ribbon. She still looked pale, deep shadows under her eyes, but her face immediately lit up when we both sat down next to her bed. Leah took the sack of food from me and checked through the sandwiches, telling Sarah what I had brought so she could choose her favourite.

I leaned back in the chair and watched the two of them, Sarah consulting with her stuffed tiger as to whether they preferred ham or cheese and despite my own misery, I felt my lips stretching into a smile. This was my life, at least for now and as much as it might hurt to have given up what I wanted so badly, I did want to be here. I still cared for Leah and just as she did, I adored Sarah. I could be there for them and while doing so, I knew it would help me too.

"Daddy, which sandwich are you having?" Sarah asked then.

"I don't know, Mommy can pick first." A moment later I was handed the chicken while Leah took the ham. She would still give me my favourite choice, even though she preferred chicken herself.

"Thank you," I murmured. Things wouldn't be too bad, I told myself. As long as my girls were alright, I would put aside what I wanted once again and hope that one day the life I hoped for would still be waiting for me, although it wouldn't be with the one man who had captured my heart.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I spent all day at the hospital, putting on a happy mask and reading to Sarah, chatting to Leah when she slept, fetching more food in the evening so that no one would have to eat the rather unpalatable offerings the hospital provided. I struggled to keep the smile on my face as Paul constantly filled my mind. He was hurt and pissed and my heart ached as I wondered if he had packed up and returned to Boston by now. There was no reason for him to stay after I told him we couldn't be together.

I finally went back to the motel to get some sleep around eight o'clock, exhausted from the brief naps I had caught in the chair the previous night. A small fold-out bed in Sarah's room was provided for Leah so that she could stay and I promised to come over the following day as soon as I could, although I would need to be at the gym for some hours as I had agreed to Edward and Emmett both taking the day off.

I fell into bed and closed my eyes, expecting sleep to come quickly, but it determinedly eluded me. I lay there going over and over my last brief meeting with Paul in my head; remembering the hurt look on his face when I said it was over; hearing him curse and punch the door while I stood outside, longing to go back in and throw myself into his arms. Walking away from him had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done and I wondered if it had been the right decision for either of us. As much as I wanted the answer to be no, I knew that at least for now, it was right. I didn't know when I would have any time for him and as I'd initially thought, it wouldn't be fair to keep him hanging on for me, knowing that I was spending all of my free time with Sarah and Leah, wondering whether I would still want him or if I would fix things with her. I knew that must have been going through his head.

Thinking about myself, as much as I wanted him so badly that I felt as if a gaping hole had opened up in my chest now that he was gone, I knew it wasn't the right time for me either. I hadn't expected anything to develop from that one night in Boston when I met him in Quentin's; I had thought it would be the same as the other times, just one night of pleasure and then putting it all behind me. I wasn't ready for a relationship when my marriage had only just broken up; when I was still filled with guilt over what I'd done to Leah and Sarah. Even if Sarah hadn't broken her leg and needed me more, I would still have been torn and I still wouldn't have been able to give Paul as much as I wanted to. I needed to sort my life out; get moved into my new home, get Sarah on her feet and do the best I could to move forward at least civilly with Leah before I would feel free to give my heart to somebody else.

I groaned and rolled over, pressing my face into the pillow as my eyes stung with tears again. I had cried more just lately than I had in the whole of my adult life and I felt ridiculous, lying there alone in a motel room weeping like a child over everything I'd fucked up on. I just had to get it together and move on.

Somehow I must have fallen asleep eventually and I woke with a pounding head and rumbling stomach. I showered quickly, swallowed some aspirin and headed for the gym, deciding to grab breakfast from the cafeteria as soon as it opened. I was actually glad to have work to focus on, although despite being reasonably busy all day, I still continued to dwell on my situation and wonder if there was any way I could have done things differently from the beginning, even though there was no point - I couldn't go back and start again.

It was Monday before I had the opportunity to talk to Edward. I hadn't wanted to bother him on his day off, knowing he would have insisted on coming into work and missing out on his day with Emmett, but as soon as he arrived I called him into my office to let him know what had been happening. He was horrified to hear about Sarah's accident and immediately asked whether he would be welcome at the hospital to visit.

"Of course you must come," I said at once. "Sarah would love to see you."

"Any time you need to be there, don't worry about the gym," he went on. "I can hold the fort as long as you need. It's only a couple of weeks and Collin will be here as well anyway."

"I don't want to just dump everything on you," I sighed.

"Your daughter's in the hospital; go right ahead and dump anything on me that you want."

"Thanks, Edward."

"So, are you going to tell me what happened with Paul?" he asked then.

"God, don't ask," I groaned. "Leah called just after we finished lunch."

"Was he pissed?"

"No, he was understanding." I rubbed my hands over my face and dragged one through my hair. "I went to see him briefly the next day and ended it. I'm not seeing him again."

"Why the hell not?" Edward gasped. "I thought you were crazy about him?"

"Yeah, well, I can't do it right now. It was never supposed to be more than a bit of fun and when it became more I thought...I don't know, I guess I imagined us having a happy ever after or some shit, but how can we, huh? I fucked everything up completely. I can't give him anything except for a few snatched meetings here and there. Even if Sarah hadn't been hurt like that, I don't think I'm ready for it. I just threw away ten years of marriage and yes, maybe I shouldn't have been married in the first place, but diving from one situation right into another is just not gonna work out for anybody. If I can't give him one hundred percent, then it's not fair on him."

"Are you really sure you're doing the right thing?"

"For once, yeah, I think I am. I can't see any other way to do it, as much as it kills me to let him go. I couldn't ask him to just wait around indefinitely while I get over everything."

"Shit, Jacob," Edward sighed. "I'm sorry."

"I'll get over it," I muttered dejectedly.

Over the next two weeks I fell into some kind of routine although a lot of the time it did feel as if I was just going through the motions with everything. I continued living in the motel while the kitchen fitters and plumbers finished working on my new apartment and furniture was delivered. I would go to the gym for a couple hours and then later head over to the hospital to spend a good portion of the day with Sarah so that Leah could study. She would go home to do this and I got more one on one time with my little girl than I'd ever had before. It was the only time when I did feel reasonably happy, helping Sarah with school work that one of her teachers had brought in, reading to her, playing games with her. I had bought her a handheld gaming machine with a number of different games on it and we would take turns, me making sure than she won more than half of the time although after a few days, she could beat me hands down anyway.

On one occasion she had questioned whether I would be coming home when she was able to leave the hospital, but although I was spending such a lot of my time with her and when Leah was there too, we got along well enough, managing to have achieved a kind of cool friendship, I didn't want to build up Sarah's hopes and then dash them when things didn't go back to the way they had been. I reminded her that Leah and I had agreed to part company and although we cared for each other, we wouldn't be living together any more. I repeatedly reminded her that I would be there for her any time she needed me, regardless of where I was physically and she did seem to accept it somewhat reluctantly, although when I told her about my new home which was now ready for me to move in, she was eager to see it and asked if she could stay overnight sometimes.

That weekend I used my day off to move my belongings from the motel to the new apartment, helped by Emmett while Edward looked after the gym on his own. We were done in a couple hours, however, and Emmett went back to work while I arranged everything to my liking. The living space was huge, as was the bedroom, both having decent views from the windows. I had gone for a minimalist look, not liking clutter, although I had placed several framed photographs of Sarah on a shelf where I could see them from the large leather sofa and an old stuffed teddy bear with a bow-tie sat on a chair beside my bed at Sarah's insistence. She wanted me to have the much-loved bear to keep me company.

Saturday night was my first night in my new bed in my new home and I slept well, mainly from exhaustion. I hadn't slept properly in two weeks, my lonely nights being the times when my head would be filled with Paul. I continued to long for him, even though I knew it wasn't going to happen. By now I had begun to feel better about things with Leah and Sarah, but I knew it was too late for Paul. I'd told him I couldn't be with him and even if he hadn't moved on already, I doubted he would give me another chance after I'd messed him around.

I felt better when I woke Sunday morning and after taking a shower and eating a proper breakfast from the supplies I'd stocked my new refrigerator with, I was able to simply jog down the stairs and unlock the connecting door to the gym and I was at work. I knew I would like living there once I got used to being alone.

Monday Collin started work and it was Edward who planned a roster with him, ensuring that he would always be working Sundays so that I wouldn't be without at least one member of staff I could count on. I had insisted that Edward and Emmett have their days off together, it being obvious that they were well on the way to being in love with each other, if not there already. The nights they spent at each other's places increased to the point where I wondered why they didn't simply move in together and any time they were in each other's company, they were unable to hide their feelings when their eyes met. I was glad for Edward, to see him so happy. All the time I'd known him, he had hidden who he was and he had told me recently that he'd spent most of his adult life jumping from one short-lived relationship to another, longing for love and repeatedly being let down.

Thursday Sarah was finally released from the hospital. Her leg was now in a cast from just above the knee all the way to her foot, a good portion of it already covered with messages from her doctor, the nurses whom she had endeared herself to, Leah and me, her teacher and several school friends who had visited. Marie and Embry had also contributed and it had been the first time I'd seen Embry in a while. He had taken Marie on a vacation and it hadn't been until they returned that Leah had called to tell her friend about Sarah's accident. Marie had been at the hospital within hours, shooting evil looks at me every chance she got until I'd excused myself and made sure to avoid being there at the times she visited from then on. Embry came to see me at the gym later that evening and then hung out with me in the apartment for a little while afterwards and we agreed to start going to a few baseball games together again, which we hadn't managed to do for some time. He too was surprised that I had ended things with Paul, but thought it was probably for the best given the current situation.

I had gotten hold of a wheelchair for Sarah so that she wouldn't be confined to the apartment, although she would be able to manage crutches at least for short journeys. I continued spending several hours each weekday with her so that Leah could study, happy to leave the gym in Edward and Collin's hands. The pair worked well together and Edward reported that Collin was hard-working and clearly knew what he was doing. The following Saturday Leah and I took Sarah out for brunch together and afterwards, wheeled her chair all the way from the diner near the apartment to the gym so she could see my new place. In the absence of an elevator, I carried her up the stairs and Leah brought her crutches so that she could get the guided tour and while she sat on my bed, talking to the teddy bear to make sure he was taking care of me, Leah drew me into the kitchen to speak to me.

"There's something we need to talk about," she began. Neither of us had broached the status of our relationship or anything else during Sarah's stay in hospital - we had merely done the best we could to get along and be there for her, but now the time had come to make some decisions.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed.

"Have you thought about where you want to go from here?"

"Not really," I admitted.

"Well, I have. I think we should get a divorce."

The word hit me between the eyes and I heard myself gasp. Of course it made sense, but despite everything, I hadn't gotten around to thinking about it.

"There's no going back," Leah went on.

"No, I know. You're right," I said.

"I'd like it to be amicable. There's no sense making a big drama out of it and upsetting Sarah. We might have to cite irreconcilable differences or something like that."

"Leah, if you want to say I was unfaithful, you can use that," I told her at once. "It's the truth, after all."

"I don't want Sarah knowing that. Look, I won't pretend that when all this came out I didn't want to hate you for it and take you for everything I could, but although I'm still pissed at you, I've more or less gotten over it. There's no point. We can get along ok, can't we? I mean, we have done while Sarah's been in the hospital. Maybe some people would say I'm a pushover and I should be punishing you, but I'm sure you punished yourself well enough for everything. I don't think I'm weak; I simply know what I want and what I want for Sarah and a shitty atmosphere is not part of that."

"Leah, the last thing you are is weak," I said firmly. "You make me look like a pussy sometimes."

She gave me a small smile. "Shall I speak to a lawyer, then? Get some papers drawn up?"

"Yes, go ahead. I'll sign whatever. I'm really sorry, Leah. About everything I put you through."

"I know you are. So, I'll do that Monday then. Remember what I said about Sarah and...him. I don't want her to see him and get confused by it."

"I'm not seeing him." I suppressed a sigh with difficulty. "It's over; I told him when Sarah was first taken into hospital."

"Why?"

"It wasn't fair on anyone. I needed to be here for you girls; I didn't know how bad things were, how long Sarah would be in the hospital, it was too much all at once. So it's finished."

"I thought he was important to you," she said.

"Don't ask me about it, ok?" I begged. "You don't need to hear about it."

"If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. You've looked like shit the last few weeks and I thought it must be just worry over Sarah and how you felt about what happened with us, but she's fine, getting better every day and you know how I feel about the situation. Yes, I was mad and hurt, but I accepted it. I'm sad that ten years of marriage has come to an end, but I know what I want to do with my life, at least for the short term. I'll be fine. Are you fine, Jacob?"

"No, I'm not fine, but I'll get over it. I couldn't expect him to wait around indefinitely while I get myself together."

"Wasn't it worth it?"

"Hell, Leah," I groaned.

"You think I don't want to see you happy? I still care about you, Jake, regardless of what's happened between us. I don't particularly enjoy seeing you miserable all the time. It is because of him, isn't it?"

"Yeah. But it's too late. He got involved with me against his better judgement and I kicked him in the teeth. I doubt he'd even give me the time of day now."

"Don't you think you ought to ask him before you write it off? What if he's miserable too; keeping his distance because he thinks that's what you want?"

"I can't believe you're talking to me about this." I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life, but Leah seemed surprisingly unfazed by the awkward conversation and I didn't know how to respond. I would much rather have been talking to Edward if I had to go over the situation with Paul again. Now Leah just shrugged.

"Like I said, I don't enjoy seeing you miserable. Are you punishing yourself in some way? Not letting yourself have him because of guilt over me? Something like that?"

"What are you now, a shrink?"

"Jake, come on, be serious. Is it guilt?"

"No. I really just wasn't ready to be with somebody else. I didn't want to keep him waiting and make him unhappy."

"So instead you make yourself unhappy. Call him," she said. "What can it hurt? The worst he can do is say..." She lowered her voice to a whisper as Sarah began to hobble out of the bedroom on her crutches. "...go fuck yourself. Life's too short, Jacob. Why waste it if there's a chance?"

"Your room's really big," Sarah said. "But there's only one. Where would I sleep if I stayed over? Would you let me stay, Mommy?"

"Of course, you could stay sometimes on the weekends if you wanted to," Leah smiled.

"I'd get you a camping bed, a bit like the one Mommy had in the hospital," I told her. "You could have it out here if you wanted, or if you'd rather have company it could go in my room, whatever you like."

"Awesome!"

I took the pair of them back to their apartment then, before returning home to the gym. I couldn't get what Leah had said to me out of my head and I wanted some time alone to think about it. Could I really have another chance with Paul? Somehow I doubted it. I had been the first person he'd opened himself up to after the death of his boyfriend in college and I'd done exactly what he had been protecting himself from - I'd hurt him and I didn't think for one minute he would let me near him again. It had been a month since I'd told him it was over and I doubted a sudden call from me to say I wanted to take up where we left off would be welcome.

It took me another week and a conversation with Edward to make up my mind to at least try calling him. Edward said almost the same thing Leah had - that life was too short and that if there was any chance at all that Paul still wanted me, I should take it if I felt that much for him. I continued to think about it all day while I spent several hours with Sarah as Leah studied and then returned to the gym for the evening. Edward and Emmett left to go for dinner and Collin remained in his office. My door was closed and I sat at the desk with my cellphone in my hand, staring at Paul's number in my list of contacts and wondering what the response would be if I called him. What would he be doing now, I wondered? He would have finished work and it was a weekday. Would he go to a bar? To Quentin's maybe? Or would he be in his apartment, eating dinner alone, or perhaps spending the evening with some other guy?

My thumb hovered over the 'call' button, but I didn't press it. He wouldn't want to hear from me. I'd done exactly what I promised I wouldn't do - let him down and hurt him. He would probably just tell me to fuck off and leave him alone. I put the phone down on the desk with a sigh and stared at it, trying to tell myself I was doing the right thing, while the other part of me repeated Leah and Edward's words - that life was too short and there was still a chance; I just wouldn't know unless I tried.

I picked up the phone and put it down several more times that evening until it was time to lock up and go upstairs to the apartment and I still hadn't called. My stomach was a knot of nerves and my heart pounding at the thought of hearing his voice again, but all I could think was that he would either hang up, or snarl at me. Perhaps it would be better to try to see him instead. I tried to work out when I could get to Boston and decided the only time would be on the weekend, when Leah wouldn't be studying. I would have to tell her and Sarah that I couldn't spend my day off with Sarah, but as luck would have it, Leah told me the next morning that her parents were planning to visit for the weekend, which meant I would need to stay away anyway.

"I'm sorry you can't spend the day with Sarah," Leah said.

"It's ok. There's actually something I wanted to do Saturday, I just didn't want to let Sarah down."

She didn't ask what I intended to do, but now that I was free for the weekend, I decided to make the trip. If Paul wouldn't talk to me or told me to go to hell, at least I would have tried. When I spoke to Edward and Emmett, they were quite happy to work Sunday so I would have the whole weekend if I needed it, although I doubted I would be staying away overnight on this occasion. The rest of the week crawled by, each day dragging on despite my efforts to fill them with Sarah and work, but finally Saturday dawned and I was up, showered and dressed by six-thirty. I didn't pack an overnight bag; I imagined I would be back home by the evening with my tail between my legs, but in any case, it was presumptuous. I didn't want to show up at Paul's door with a bag, like I expected him to welcome me back with open arms.

I was unable to get a seat on the early train to Boston and had to wait until almost noon before I could leave. Then I sat anxiously fidgeting for the entire journey until I eventually arrived at the station in Boston at three-thirty. I didn't actually know Paul's address, only where his apartment was, so I walked rather than took a cab, hoping that he would be home. He may be watching a baseball game or out with friends, or worse, home and with company. My footsteps slowed as I walked the last few blocks and by the time I reached the building, I was nervous and sweaty, my heart racing and my mind telling me to turn around and go home before I made a complete fool of myself. However, I continued into the building, managing to gain access when someone came out, leaving the main door ajar. I took the elevator up to Paul's floor and walked slowly to his door where I hovered, wiping my hands on my pants legs and licking dry lips. What the hell would I say to him?

I punched the buzzer outside the door before I could talk myself out of it and then shoved my hands into my pockets and waited, grinding my teeth and trying to hear any sound from within that would tell me he was there. It was silent, but then suddenly I heard a lock click and the door swung inwards. Paul stood there, shirtless, his usual tight jeans doing nothing to disguise an obvious erection. My heart plummeted into my boots before I had even looked behind him and spotted the other guy - a young blond wearing leather pants and an unfastened shirt - the same one who had offered to dance with Paul in Quentin's if I had refused.

My hammering heart stuttered and almost stopped. He had moved on and I didn't blame him one bit, but it didn't hurt any less to know that I was too late.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

For a moment I was completely lost for words and simply wanted to turn around and leave, but I remained rooted to the spot. I knew I imagined the slight sparkle in Paul's eyes when they met mine, before it was quickly replaced by a hard look, the rest of his face slipping from surprise into a scowl.

"I'm...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come," I muttered.

"Why did you?"

"It doesn't matter. You have company. I'm sorry, Paul," I said again, dropping my eyes away from his. Awkwardly my gaze fell to his crotch, noting his erection had quickly subsided, before I jerked my eyes away and stared at his bare feet instead.

He let out a heavy sigh, resting one hand on the side of the door and I wondered what was going through his head as seconds ticked by and no one spoke. I was only surprised he didn't just tell me to fuck off and leave him alone, but it was the blond boy who suddenly broke the silence.

"Paul, are you gonna get rid of him and get back to where we were?"

"I'll go," I said quickly, raising my eyes again although I didn't look directly at Paul. I glanced over his shoulder instead and noted the self-satisfied smirk on the blond's face.

"Don't you think you owe me some kind of explanation? Turning up at my door after more than a month?" Paul said, ignoring the boy.

"Well...uh...maybe some other time." I took a step backwards. Damned if I was going to start grovelling to him in front of that other guy, much as I was desperate to be with him.

"Paul..." the boy whined.

"Give me a minute to get rid of the twink," Paul said suddenly, much to my surprise. I glanced at the blond again, his face flushing and taking on a look of outrage. I watched as he snatched up a jacket and then advanced quickly towards the door.

"The fucking _twink_ is leaving!" he snarled at Paul, purposefully shoving me with his shoulder as he marched past me. "Asshole!" he yelled back as he continued to the elevators.

Paul sighed again, blowing his breath out through pursed lips.

"You didn't have to make him leave on my account," I said awkwardly and he just shrugged one shoulder, indicating that he didn't really care if the boy stayed or went.

"So, what do you want?" he demanded.

"I wanted to see you," I said lamely.

"I figured. Why didn't you just call?"

"I thought you probably wouldn't talk to me," I admitted.

"Got that right. I don't need any more shit, Jacob. I just got over it."

"Yeah, I noticed."

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you have any right commenting on what I'm doing; you ended it, remember?"

"I'm sorry, I just...that was the guy who wanted to dance with you last time I was here."

"And?"

I felt my face flushing and I glanced behind me as a door opened and voices could be heard. A couple stood talking outside the next apartment, turning to look at us once or twice.

"Can we...talk inside?" I asked.

Paul studied me silently for another moment and then stepped back without a word to let me in. At least he was willing to talk to me, which was more than I deserved and he had asked the guy to leave, or at least let him overhear that he wasn't wanted, which I really hadn't expected. Could it possibly mean he still cared something for me, or was it only that he wanted answers?

"Wait there." He indicated the living room and then disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind him. I sat down gingerly on the sofa and waited as I heard the sound of water running for a moment, then another silence. He emerged after a minute, now wearing a t-shirt, his face and hair damp as if he'd ducked his head under the faucet and dried off only partially. He took a seat on the opposite side of the room and picked up a half empty beer bottle from the table, gulping some of it quickly. I licked my lips nervously until he spoke again.

"Gonna keep me in suspense all day?" he prompted. "What do you want from me, Jake?"

"I wanted to find out if I fucked things up so badly that there's no chance for us. I guess I did since you seem to have moved on." Had he actually slept with that guy, I wondered? I knew it wasn't my business after the way I'd treated him - we weren't even together after all - but I felt a little sick at the thought of them perhaps lying on this couch I was sitting on, kissing and touching. He had obviously been enjoying it; he was rock hard when he opened the door. I shuddered slightly and a smirk touched his lips.

"Like I said, I got over it," he repeated.

"But you kicked that guy out to talk to me," I reminded him. "Why would you do that if you wanted to be with him?"

"Maybe I'm curious to find out what made you come here. You still haven't explained."

"Look, when we were...kind of...seeing each other before, I was in a lousy place. That first night...I thought that was all it would be, just one night. I never expected to see you again and when I did, I...I fell for you, Paul. You never let me say it, but I loved you...love you."

His eyes flickered and slid away from mine and he bit his lip.

"I didn't expect to feel like that," I went on. "I was torn and I didn't know what to do about you and about my family. I planned to tell Leah though...it made me accept I'd been living a lie far too long and I wasn't being fair. She deserved much more. When you came to New York last time, I imagined it would be a proper start for us, but I know I was still a mess over what I did to them. I shouldn't have given you hope like that then when I wasn't ready.

"The last month has been...difficult. Sarah's ok and she's home now. I need to be there for her during week days as she's being home-schooled until her leg heals and Leah's studying too so she can start working."

"You're together?" Paul snapped out suddenly.

"No, we're not together. We're getting a divorce. Leah's getting the papers drawn up. I'm living above the gym. I haven't stopped thinking about you, Paul. I wasn't even gonna come here; I thought it'd be too late, that I'd treated you too badly to get another chance, but Leah said...life's too short and I should try..."

"Your _wife_ told you to come see me?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah...she's an amazing woman; hated seeing me miserable and I was fucking miserable. I thought I'd lost the one person I figured I could have been really happy with. Tell me to go if you want and I will, but I wanted you to know how I feel; that I meant what I said to you before. I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you; let you down."

My heart pounded and I clenched my fists in my lap as I waited for him to say something. His eyes were dark and unreadable as they stared back at me, but his lips remained pinned together and he didn't speak. I simply sat there, silently praying he would give me another chance, that he would say something - anything that would let me know it wasn't too late. I estimated a full minute had passed and still he didn't say a word.

"Say something," I begged quietly.

Paul's lips parted and he tugged the lower one between his teeth, biting hard into it. His fists were clenched the same way mine were and his eyes continued to study me, almost unblinking before they slid away again and fixed on the floor between us. I had no idea what he was thinking, but when I recalled everything that had happened between us, I imagined he was wondering if it was worth it; probably deciding it was pointless giving me another opportunity to kick him in the teeth.

"Tell me to fuck off if you want," I added miserably, in little more than a whisper.

"What do you actually want?" he asked. "I mean, what do you imagine happening between us?"

"I want to be with you. Any way I can be. Like I said, I need to be with my daughter during the day until she can go back to school. I have more time free from work now; I got an assistant for Edward and a new trainer. I want you in my life, Paul."

"We live three hours apart," he pointed out.

"That wasn't a problem before I fucked it all up. I guess the trains would just get well used...to start with."

"How do I know you mean this?"

"You don't. All you can do is give me a chance to prove it. I can tell you that everybody who matters to me knows about you - Leah, Edward and Emmett, my best friend Embry. I still have to put Sarah first right now, but I know what I want; I'm not confused or in a bad place or any other shit any more. I just...I want you. It kills me not being able to see you." I looked down at my hands and fiddled with the bottom of my shirt. I couldn't ever remember laying myself bare like that with anyone, except maybe Leah when we were still close. If he asked me to leave now, it would hurt like hell, but it would still only be what I deserved and I knew I should expect it.

"Nothing happened," he said suddenly.

"What?" I raised my head, puzzled.

"With that guy. It would have..." He shrugged now. "...but we're not seeing each other."

"What about before?" I asked hopefully.

"You mean the last month? What do you think I've been doing, Jake? Fucking every guy I meet? I was nursing my..." He paused and swallowed. "...pride."

I felt a small amount of relief. He hadn't slept with anyone since me and he had let me in; let me sit here and talk. Surely there was at least a small reason to hope that I had a chance?

"You need to go." He rose to his feet suddenly and my heart plummeted.

"Paul?" I stood up too.

"I don't know what I want right now. I don't know what you expected from this; whether I'd welcome you back with open arms, tell you it's all ok; or whether you want me to come over there and fuck you, but neither of those things is gonna happen. You can't just ditch me and then show up after a month and ask for another chance! You fucking hurt me, Jacob, and you know what happened to me before! I don't want to go through any of that shit again...!" He was almost spitting as his voice grew louder and again my heart sank.

"It wouldn't be like that," I said.

"You say that, but how do you expect me to take your word for it? You think I'm just gonna plunge back into it with you and have you fuck with me again?" He turned away from me, pacing around with his fists balled, the muscles in his arms popping. I didn't know how I could make things better, but it was clear that grovelling and begging wasn't going to cut it, although I would have done it if I thought it would have done any good.

"Do you actually feel anything for me?" I asked instead. If he said no, that he was over me, then I may as well give up and go home, but it didn't seem as if that were the case.

"Do you think you could have hurt me if I didn't? I need some time to think about things." He lowered his voice and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, halting a few feet from me with his feet planted apart.

"Ok," I agreed at once. At least he wasn't just telling me to go to hell and I knew he would have if he was sure he didn't want me.

"I'll call you," he added slowly.

"When?"

"I don't know _when._ Just go home. I will call, but I need to figure out what I want from this. You told me what you want; I just need to decide if it's worth it."

"Ok," I said again and took a reluctant step towards the door, wondering whether I should stay in Boston overnight or simply go straight home. I hovered, looking at him longingly.

"Go."

The single word pushed me into action and I retreated and let myself out, noting that Paul turned away and didn't watch me leave. I closed the door behind me and leaned on it, my heart racing and my guts knotted up with anxiety. Waiting for him to call was going to be hell, I thought, but after what I'd put him through, I supposed it was nothing. He admitted he had at least had feelings for me before I'd ended it and when I remembered the way we had been together when I visited him the last time, I knew it had been more than just affection. Now I just had to hope that I wasn't too late; that I hadn't hurt him too much for him to risk giving me another chance.

I left the building eventually and began to walk, slowly exploring the city without really noticing anything around me. I considered getting myself a meal, but realised I had no appetite for food so instead I sat in a diner, nursing one cup of coffee after another as darkness fell and my phone didn't ring. It was getting to the point where I would have to do one thing or another - either get on the last train back to New York, or take a room for the night. Pretty soon the latter option would be the only one I had and as I continued to sit at the plastic-topped table in a corner, I knew I was staying. He might call later or maybe in the morning after he spent all night thinking about it. I got up at last, paid the check and went looking for a motel, finding one close by belonging to the same chain as the one I'd used in New York. I took a room, stripped off and showered, cursing myself for not bringing an overnight bag and not having the foresight to buy a toothbrush.

I lay in the bed, not sleeping, repeatedly picking up my phone and staring at it, willing it to ring or to beep with a text message, but it remained silent. I continued going over and over in my head the things Paul and I had said to each other, the way he had looked and acted. In every look he had given me, every gesture and every word, I tried to see something positive, but all I could remember was his anger, his clenched fists, the way he told me to leave. He wouldn't want me back, I decided. I had done everything wrong and I had lost him.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep and I woke to daylight on Sunday morning and quickly fumbled for my phone, hopefully checking for a message or missed call and finding none. I didn't move for a couple more hours until hunger finally drove me out of bed. I made use of the bathroom, put yesterday's clothes back on and checked out, heading back to the diner I'd sat in for hours the previous night. Even though my stomach churned with anxiety, I was starving and I ordered a large cooked breakfast, eating every bite while my phone sat on the table, its continued silence almost deafening.

"Please call me," I whispered as I sipped a second cup of coffee.

He didn't call and I left the diner again and headed outside. It was raining, but I barely noticed as I walked towards the station, deciding to head home, although when I got there I simply took a seat and watched everyone else getting on with their day rather than buy a ticket and get on the train which sat there waiting to leave for New York. He may not call me today, I told myself. He had said he needed time and that might be a few days, or a week, or two, but still I hung on, hoping a few more hours would decide him and he would call and say...go to hell.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. I leaned forward in my seat, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in one hand, my phone gripped in the other, clicking the screen every so often to check the time as minutes crawled by. It was eleven o'clock and pretty soon I was going to have to leave anyway. The trains were less frequent on Sundays and there was no way I could stay another night.

Another hour passed and then suddenly my phone beeped, startling me so much I almost dropped it. The text was from Sarah, asking if she was going to see me that day. I answered quickly that I was out of town and would see her first thing Monday as always, feeling a touch of guilt over the fact that my heart sank when the message hadn't been from Paul. I changed position on the hard seat for the hundredth time, leaning back and stretching my legs out in front of me, crossing my ankles. I stayed that way for a while longer and then got up and walked around, glancing at other people going about their business, checking the train schedule and noting the last express left at four o'clock. I had three more hours and then I would have to leave. I just wished he would call and put me out of my misery. Even if he told me to fuck off, at least I would know.

It was three-fifteen when I finally received another text message and this time it wasn't Sarah, or Leah, who were usually the only two people who sent me texts. It was Paul.

'Are you still in Boston?'

'Yes, at the train station.' My hands trembled as I typed the reply and I paced up and down, staring at the phone in my hand as I waited for another message. He was going to talk to me? Surely if it was bad news he would have said so, or called and told me I was wasting my time.

'Meet me in the parking lot.'

I shoved the phone into my pocket and raced out of the building, reaching the lot in seconds and standing in the middle. There were few cars there and I glanced at each, knowing that none of them would be Paul's, since I'd only just told him where I was. It was ten minutes before his BMW rolled in off the street and parked up in a corner and I strode towards it. Paul didn't get out and I took this as a sign that I should get in. I pulled open the passenger door slowly and slid into the seat.

"Hey."

"Why did you stay?" he asked, not looking at me.

"I guess I was hoping that you would get in touch with me today. I have to leave at four."

He eyed the clock on the dash, which said three-thirty.

"I almost didn't," he said. "Get in touch. What I really want to do is tell you to fuck off out of my life, but I figured I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face." He sighed heavily and turned to look at me. Shadows beneath his eyes indicated he had slept about as much as I had. "I was up half the night thinking about things," he confirmed.

"Me too."

"I know _why_ you did what you did; I can't blame you for the situation. I know your daughter has to come first, but you still fucked with me. You made me think we had something; almost told me a couple of times what you felt. Then suddenly it's all too much and you end it."

"I know."

"Don't you think I would have supported you? Waited if you wanted me to? I don't think for one minute you're gonna turn your back on your kid. To be honest, if you did I'd think you were a complete dick. I guess at the time I just thought you couldn't deal with being with a guy and you wanted your life back with your family."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "It was never about that. Leah doesn't want me back and I don't want to go back to living like that either; I never did. I did love you, Paul. I do love you."

He didn't respond, although his eyes glinted before they lowered from mine.

"You didn't stop me saying it this time," I pointed out.

"Well, maybe I wanted to hear it." He sighed again and leaned away from me, but my heart leapt at his words. He hadn't said that he loved me or even cared for me, not once, but at least he had given me a little hope.

"What now?" I asked.

"I don't know. Obviously I'm not telling you to fuck off, or I'd have done it on the phone."

"That's what I thought...hoped."

Finally he gave me a small smile. "Where do you want to go from here?"

"Um..." What I wanted was for him to grab me so that we could spend the last twenty minutes I had making out, but I knew it was unrealistic. "Maybe we could start from the beginning. Plan a weekend or something where it's just me and you..."

He was nodding and I inwardly heaved a sigh of relief while my heart pounded with excitement. In all honesty, I hadn't expected him to give me another chance. When I turned up at his door and saw the other guy there, I'd been convinced it was too late, but somehow, despite everything, I was finally going to get what I really wanted. Or at least I was getting another opportunity to do it right.

"I'll come back here," I added. "If you want. Unless you want to come to New York and see my new place."

"It won't be for a few weeks, I'm busy for the next two weekends," Paul said and I knew my disappointment must have been obvious. "We'll talk on the phone and decide what we're gonna do."

"Ok."

As much as my heart sank at the thought that it would likely be another three weeks before I could spend any time with him, at least it would be a happy waiting time instead of the hell I'd been going through lately, and that he had obviously gone through as well.

"Paul..." I wasn't sure what I meant to say. I wanted to kiss him, feel his arms around me, but I wasn't so sure he would want that right now. Besides, I hadn't cleaned my teeth in almost thirty-six hours, I thought with a grimace.

"Don't miss your train," he said.

"Yeah. I'm going." I leaned towards him, my face turned to the side and to my relief his arms lifted and slid around me as he returned my hug. "Thank you," I whispered.

"What for?" he asked as I pulled back.

"Giving me a chance." I opened the door and slid out of the car quickly. He didn't say anything else, but I didn't miss his grin before I closed the door again. It was raining harder and I jogged back towards the building, dodging through the open door which was partially blocked by someone trying to get an umbrella to open. I looked back outside just as the BMW pulled out of the lot, tail lights glowing red through the rain. He had given me another chance and the fact that it might be three weeks before I saw him again suddenly didn't matter. He still wanted me and it was everything I could have hoped for.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The next week passed surprisingly quickly, with work and spending time with Sarah every day, taking her to a hospital appointment on Friday. I worked the afternoon so that Edward and Emmett could leave early and go out; Saturday I took Sarah and Leah shopping for some new clothes and later went to a ballgame with Embry. We hadn't done that for weeks and it gave us a proper chance to catch up. I learned that I was still public enemy number one with Marie, which wasn't that much of a surprise to me. Marie was very like Leah and if someone close to her was hurt, she was ferocious.

"So you're getting a divorce?" he asked eventually.

"Yeah."

"I kind of thought you were working things out with Leah. You're over there practically every day..."

"She didn't talk to Marie about that part then," I said.

"I don't know, Marie hasn't said anything to me."

"We're not getting back together; we're just learning how to move on from what I did and be some kind of friends," I said. "I'm gay, Embry."

"Yeah, you said that, but you still have ten years of marriage with Leah and you ended it with that guy. Are you sure you're doing the right thing?"

"Positive. Leah will eventually find someone who deserves her, who gives her much more than I could. Paul wasn't just a phase, Embry, I love him," I blurted.

Embry flushed uncomfortably and rubbed a hand over his face. "So you're...seeing him again then?"

"Yeah. Leah knows about it; in fact it was she who told me to try to fix things with him. She was sick of seeing me miserable."

His eyebrows rose.

"I know, she's amazing. I doubt I would have been able to do that if our positions were reversed," I added.

"Has she met him?"

"Once, but it was before all of this came out. I don't think that will happen again and Sarah's not going to know anything about this, at least not for the time being. We'll see when she's older."

"You're talking like this...thing is going to be long term," Embry said doubtfully.

"I'm hoping it is. It's early days. Look, I won't talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know what I'm doing, that's all."

"It's ok, it's just gonna take me a while to get used to. I suppose I didn't really take it that seriously before, when you told me. One minute you were telling me you were gay and the next it's over and you're spending all your time with Leah, so I thought it was just some kind of...I don't know, a mid-life crisis come early or something like that."

I laughed now. "I don't know of many guys whose mid-life crises turn them gay!"

He grinned at last. "Well, I guess you know what you're doing. It's good to see you looking better. Last couple of times I've seen you, you've looked like the world was going to end."

"It hasn't been good," I admitted. "So, how's things with you and Marie? Any prospect of the patter of little feet yet?"

"No, it'll probably take a while. She was on the pill; the doc said it could be at least a few months."

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about other things than my own recent dramas and after grabbing some burgers at a food stand at the ballpark, I returned to my apartment and put my feet up for the evening. I felt better than I had done in a long time, even though I hadn't actually talked to Paul that week. We had exchanged a couple of text messages on Wednesday, him contacting me initially. I had been reluctant to make the first move in case he thought I was pushing him, still worried that he might need time. His first message had simply asked how I was and added that he was returning to Chicago that afternoon to see one of the new clients he had signed up there. There was nothing intimate in the brief conversation and he had told me he would be back in Boston Saturday, which meant he was probably home by now. I toyed with my phone, wondering whether to send him a message and then on impulse, I called instead.

"Hey, Jacob." His answer came so quickly that I was startled by it and momentarily couldn't think of anything to say.

"Jake?"

"Hey. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure you'd answer."

"Almost didn't; I just got off the elevator; I'm back home now," he said.

"How was Chicago?"

"Yeah, good. Should be getting a bonus for it this time."

"Awesome."

"How's things with you?"

"Pretty good. I'm...looking forward to seeing you." I held my breath while I waited for him to answer.

"Yeah, me too. I was thinking I'd come to New York, weekend after next. Any good to you?"

"I'll make sure of it," I said at once. Two more weeks. Two more weeks and I would see him, for more than just a few minutes. I had no idea how things would go or how fast they would move, but if all we did was have dinner and sit talking, I would love every second.

The call ended fairly quickly; he was just home and wanted to shower and get an early night, but rather than be disappointed, I went to bed with a smile on my face and for the first time in some weeks, I jerked off, imagining that it was Paul's hands on me, stroking my cock, tugging on my balls, pushing his fingers into me. I ached for him and it was going to seem like an eternity before I saw him.

Monday I told Edward about Paul's impending visit and asked his opinion on a possible club we could go to if Paul wanted to do that. I had been in one a few years before, where I'd met Garrett, but it had since closed down.

"The Stonewall Inn," he said at once. "I've been there a few times with Emmett; in fact it's where I met him. It's like one huge party most of the time."

"I've heard of it. You know, I can't imagine you partying," I grinned.

"Well, you haven't seen me on a night out, have you?"

I immediately tried to think of Edward in a club, dressed up, maybe dancing with Emmett, but it was difficult to see him out of his sports gear or shirt and slacks, flushing awkwardly if he was teased. However, I decided to look up the Stonewall Inn on the net later and remember it in case we wanted to go.

By the time the next two weeks had passed, several things had happened. I had received divorce papers from Leah's lawyer, which she had warned me about in advance. I knew exactly what they would say and I signed each page and gave them back to her, both saddened and relieved that we were moving forward with things. We didn't talk about it much and I could see that it had made her sad too, to bring our union to an end.

Sarah was rapidly getting better and was desperate to go back to school. She could get around swiftly and with great agility on her crutches and her doctor had said there was no reason why she shouldn't go to school so long as Leah or I could escort her there and back, which we had always done anyway, since it involved a ride on the subway. I promised to take her and collect her each day, which then enabled me to get back to the gym for at least a good part of the day in between.

I talked to Paul several times on the phone, but as yet our conversations were short and a little awkward. I didn't really know what to say to him and he seemed to have the same difficulty. We would ask each other what we'd been doing, talk about work and when he planned to arrive in New York, but each time we dried up after a few minutes and agreed to talk again in a few days. I began to grow anxious that things wouldn't improve when we saw each other and I looked forward to his visit with mixed feelings; excited to see him, but at the same time dreading that it would be impossible to move past what had happened.

When the Saturday of his intended trip came, I rose early, showered and put on fresh jeans and a shirt, forcing myself to eat breakfast even though I almost felt sick with nerves. I had told Leah what I would be doing that weekend and she had decided to invite some of Sarah's friends around for the day, let them play computer games, watch movies and make them party food and Sarah was so delighted by the idea that she was happy to wait until Monday to see me, when I would take her to school for the first time.

Paul had told me he would arrive on the express that got into New York at eleven-thirty. We hadn't discussed whether he would stay with me or not although I hoped that would be the case, assuming we could get through the whole day without having absolutely nothing to say to each other. Despite my longing to see him, my heart was slowly sinking as I waited at the station for his train, hoping that it wasn't all going to go wrong. Had we simply been through too much to make it work? Had I put us through too much? I had never been the best conversationalist on the phone, but the last few efforts with Paul had almost been painful. We seemed like strangers and I found myself trying to think up a list of topics to talk about while I paced up and down.

At last the train appeared in the distance and crawled slowly into the station, seeming to take its time as if the one passenger on it that I waited for was controlling its speed, his anxiety mirroring my own. I stood still, hands in my pockets, scanning the crowds of people as they climbed down to the platform, scurrying this way and that and merging into the clusters of other passengers waiting to take their places. Where was he? Had he not come after all? The crowd dispersed and I didn't see him, but then suddenly a hand touched my shoulder from behind and I jumped and turned quickly.

"Paul!"

"I was first off, but you were looking that way," he said, pointing. "Did you think I wasn't going to show up?"

"I...I did wonder," I admitted.

"I almost didn't."

I met his eyes and noted both confusion and longing in them - exactly what I was feeling. Just be honest, I told myself. He probably felt the same about the damned phone calls.

"I don't know why I couldn't talk to you on the phone," I blurted. "I'm not the best on the phone anyway, but our situation...I guess I kept thinking I'd say something that would make you change your mind, or push you too much or...it just ended up with me not being able to say anything."

"Same here." He grinned suddenly. "I'm still wary of getting into this again. I kept trying to come up with excuses to tell you I didn't want to do this after all, but I'd have been lying; I just don't want it to get fucked up again."

"It was my fault all of that happened before," I said firmly. "I'm not gonna let you down again, I promise. I'm glad you came."

"Yeah, me too." He stepped closer suddenly, giving me a one-armed hug, an overnight bag held in his free hand. I wrapped both arms around him immediately and pressed my face into his neck. He felt so good and we just stood there as people hurried this way and that around us, holding onto each other, neither of us speaking. Eventually Paul drew back and I loosened my hold on him, although I left one hand resting on his chest, feeling his heart hammering as frantically as my own.

"I missed you so much," I told him and he smiled again.

"So are you gonna show me this new place of yours?"

"Sure, we'll need to get the subway," I said as we began to walk side by side.

"I know where it is," Paul smirked. "Or have you forgotten my visit to your gym?"

An image of myself on my knees in my office with his cock in my mouth flashed into my mind and I snorted and felt my face warming. He was laughing quietly and I immediately knew it was going to be alright. Perhaps we would have to tread carefully for a little while, but we wanted each other, cared for each other; we would get there.

When we arrived at the gym, we headed up the stairs from the foyer, avoiding going into the gym itself. I unlocked the door and Paul followed me in, dumping his bag beside the sofa and looking around.

"This is a huge space; I'm envious," he said. "It was just used for storage?"

"Yes, it was lived in at one time years ago," I said. "There was a kind of old-fashioned bathroom and some kitchen units, but other than that, just a lot of dust. Doesn't cost me anything either; the owner's happy with the rent I already pay for the building."

"Awesome."

"You want some coffee or something?" I offered.

"I could probably eat some lunch soon; I skipped breakfast," Paul said. I wondered if nerves had played a part in this; I had almost choked on the small amount I'd forced myself to eat.

"We can get some downstairs if you want," I suggested. "Or go out somewhere else?"

"Here's fine," Paul agreed and within minutes, we were back on the first floor ordering soup and sandwiches in the cafeteria. I could see Edward and Emmett some distance away, gawking at us and pretending not to and Paul followed my gaze.

"Who's the big guy?"

"That's my new trainer, Emmett. He and Edward are together."

"Love and work? You might have your work cut out there," he grinned.

"Well, I thought I'd give it a chance. So far it's working out well." I wondered whether I should tell him about Emmett. It was unlikely either he or Edward would ever say anything, but it was still a small fact about me that I'd be hiding otherwise. "It was kind of awkward at first when he came to talk to me about the job," I said slowly. "Him and me had a...um...a one night thing a few years ago."

"Should I be jealous?" Paul raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Nah. Look at them; he's besotted with Edward. And I'm...uh...I only have eyes for you," I said in a whisper.

He grinned wider. "So, you didn't ask me where I'm staying yet."

"Did you arrange something?" I asked, hoping that wasn't the case. I had hoped he would stay with me and he had left his bag up there in my apartment, but I wasn't sure we would achieve that point over the weekend.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know, Paul. I want you to stay with me, I just...wasn't sure if you'd want to...yet."

"I want to."

I let out the breath I'd been holding and turned my attention back to my food. My pulse was racing and I was longing to reach across the table and touch him; hold his hand; something just to be in contact with him, but I wasn't quite up to that point yet, where I would let the rest of my staff and some of my clients know about me. We finished the meal without speaking again, although I felt a little more comfortable with the silence now. I thought about what we could do for the rest of the day and as much as I wanted to just head back upstairs to the apartment, I felt it would be better to spend some time together doing other things and try to get back to the way we had been the last time I was in Boston.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked. "There's a ballgame on if you're interested. Or we could do lame tourist-type stuff, paint the town red later..."

"You don't like being a tourist?"

"I was kidding. I'm the first one to explore a new place with a camera around my neck," I joked.

"Let's do that then. I've been to New York several times, but it's always been about work; it'd be cool to see some of it."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Ok; Empire State Building here we come."

We spent the afternoon and early evening riding to the top of the tower, visiting the Rockefeller Centre and taking the carriage ride around Central Park. I wasn't so sure about that, thinking it might seem too much like a romantic activity, but it was Paul's idea. The driver looked at us somewhat strangely as we climbed into the carriage and I doubted he saw many male couples doing this, but he didn't say anything. Gradually as the hours had passed things had grown easier between us and now we sat back in the well worn seats, fingers laced together between us as we watched the activities of other people in the park, playing ball games, jogging, having picnics.

I mentioned the possibility of going to the club that evening and we discussed options for dinner, deciding on a sushi bar that I'd never tried before. We went straight there from the park and ate an assortment of Japanese dishes which Paul said were his favourites and I discovered a new type of cuisine that I could enjoy. Afterwards we returned to the apartment to get ready to go to the Stonewall Inn and I made myself a coffee while Paul used my shower and changed in my room. I thought about the hours we had spent together, how things had gradually become more comfortable. We hadn't talked much at first, but by the time we had been up and down the Empire State Building, I found myself much more relaxed and we had spent most of the carriage ride chatting. I felt that at last we were starting to get back to the way we were before I ended it; it felt so good being in his company, just doing normal things and as excited as I was about what would happen later, I wanted to continue savouring every moment.

"I'm done." Paul's voice startled me out of my thoughts and I found him standing in front of me, wearing dark pants and a blue shirt, unfastened to a point mid-way down his chest, his hair damp from the shower.

"You look hot," I said before I could stop myself and he chuckled and inched closer.

My heart pounded unevenly and suddenly it was difficult to breathe properly. It had been a long time since we had kissed; far too long and I wanted it so much. I licked my lips and raised my hand slowly to his chest, my fingers brushing the warm skin in the open part of his shirt. He leaned in and paused an inch away from me, his eyelids lowered and his breath fanning my face. I could hear my blood thundering in my ears and each second seemed to tick past much slower than was normal. Our lips touched, the slightest brush and then parted again. He changed the angle of his head slightly and his lips teased the corner of my mouth, then returned to their former position and pressed more firmly against mine. I was unable to stop the soft moan that escaped me as I responded to the kiss, our lips parting and fitting together, caressing and tasting each other. It didn't deepen; there was no thrusting of tongues, grabbing and clutching at each other, bodies pressing together. Instead it was warm and sensual and intimate and it made goosebumps break out along my spine. My cock twitched in my pants and then Paul was stepping away from me, running a hand over his damp hair.

"I'll...um...get ready," I muttered and headed for my bedroom quickly, almost panting. God, I wanted him so much. That kiss had almost melted me and now all I could think about was us returning from the club later, stripping naked, falling onto my bed. I imagined his hands and mouth on me, fingers preparing me, his thick cock driving into me and it was an effort not to take a few extra minutes in the shower to jerk off. I was so hard now that I ached, my erection bumping my stomach and begging for release. I remembered us showering together that time, Paul on his knees spreading me with his fingers, poking his tongue into me before he stood again and fucked me while the water poured down onto us. I groaned softly and shuddered as I scrubbed myself quickly and rinsed off. I tried to think of other things as I dried and dressed, but I was still half hard when I left my room and joined Paul in the kitchen and his smirk indicated he had noticed immediately.

"You didn't jerk off in the shower then?"

"No, I didn't want to..."

"...waste it?"

"Uh...yeah." I knew my face was red and I laughed a little uncomfortably. It was the first time we had referred to sex between us and Paul's continued amusement was obvious. I shoved my feet into my shoes, grabbed wallet and keys and moved towards the door. Before I had opened it, Paul's hands appeared either side of me and rested on the door, his body leaning lightly against my back. I felt his hardness against my butt and I shivered at the knowledge that he wanted it as much as I did.

"Want me?" he murmured in my ear.

"God, yes."

"I've been thinking about fucking you all day."

I groaned and gyrated my hips slightly, rubbing myself against him. His breath hissed out through his teeth and he took one hand off of the door and placed it on my belly, slowly sliding it lower until he cupped me through my jeans. My groan became a whimper and his palm stroked firmly up and down my length for a moment and then released me.

"We better get out of here while we're still capable."

"Damnit, now it's all I'm going to be able to think about," I grimaced.

"Makes two of us." He grinned wickedly and shoved his hands into his pockets as I opened the door. I was forced to do the same as we set off, relieved when my erection subsided after a few minutes of walking uncomfortably and trying to adjust myself without anyone noticing although I knew it was going to be a frustrating few hours in the club.

The Stonewall Inn was already jumping when we arrived. I paid the cover charge and got us some beers and we fought our way through the crowds of people to stand near the dancefloor, which wasn't so packed as the area around the bar.

"Gonna dance with me?" Paul asked.

"Yeah, let me finish my beer first."

We made the drinks last a little while and then discarded the bottles. I was debating getting more, but it would take some time to get served and we could always do that later.

"Hey, isn't that your trainer guy from the gym?" Paul asked suddenly, pointing. I immediately spotted Emmett at the opposite side of the dancefloor, shirtless, glistening and kissing someone; a someone wearing a tight purple silk shirt, their arms wrapped around his neck. I couldn't see much of the other guy, since Emmett stood mostly with his back to us, but my heart began to sink as I thought about Edward.

Then much to my surprise the pair came up for air, the purple-shirted guy stepping back and grabbing Emmett's hand to tug him onto the dancefloor. "Come on, I want to dance!" he shouted, audible even above the music. My mouth fell open. Edward - prim, shy, Edward was wearing purple silk, leather pants and enough hair gel to make his already crazy hair retain its electrocuted look without him having to constantly tug at it.

"Damn it, Edward," Emmett grumbled, but followed obligingly. Paul and I continued to watch as Edward began to dance vigorously and Emmett shuffled from side to side, looking the very picture of discomfort. They hadn't seen us yet, but I imagined it would only be a matter of time before they did. I smirked to myself, guessing that the colour of Edward's face would quickly mirror his shirt when he saw me.

"Let's dance," I said.

The music was identical to that in Quentin's - a hard, pumping beat that more and more people were beginning to grind to, some in pairs, a few in threes or groups. Paul's arms snaked around me and tugged me against his body, one thigh quickly wedging between mine. I held onto him as we began to move together, both of us quickly growing hard again as our crotches rubbed against each other's thighs. I remembered the last time we had danced together, thrusting against each other, my shorts damp from pre-cum, desperate to touch each other. Paul had led me away from the dancefloor and sucked my cock outside the restrooms. I groaned, the sound drowned out by the music, gyrating my hips in an effort to gain more friction. His hand slid down to my butt, squeezing firmly, his own erection thrusting eagerly against my leg through two frustratingly restraining layers of pants.

"I can't wait to fuck you," he growled into my ear.

"Christ," I muttered.

"I'm so fucking hard it hurts."

I moved my leg away from him and slid my hand between us, not usually this daring in front of a crowd of people, but unable to help myself. Everyone else was probably doing the same thing anyway. I cupped his erection, rubbing it lightly and dipping my hand lower to squeeze his balls.

"Holy shit, Jacob!" he hissed.

"Like that?"

"You're a fucking tease." He thrust against my hand for a moment and then grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away, placing it on his chest. "You're gonna make me come in my pants."

I was alarmingly close to doing the same thing myself and I backed up a little, putting a small space between us. I could wait, I told myself. It had been weeks and I didn't want our first time together again to be a hasty fumble in a dark corner; I wanted him in my bed.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

We stayed on the dancefloor a while longer and eventually my erection subsided. We made our way through the crowd towards the bar and it was there that I spotted Edward and Emmett again. Surprisingly they hadn't seemed to have noticed us yet, although Emmett saw me now as I headed towards them, deciding I should at least acknowledge them. He glanced at me around Edward and smirked slightly. Grinning, I moved closer and clapped a hand onto Edward's shoulder, making him jump visibly.

"Well, you are a party animal, aren't you?" I teased as he turned to look at me and predictably his face flushed vividly.

"What are you doing in here?"

"'I'm here with Paul; you recommended it, remember?"

"Um...yeah." He turned to look at Paul and raised a hand briefly in greeting. "You didn't see me dancing, did you?"

"Oh, yes," I grinned. "You were difficult to miss. You are allowed to have fun, Edward."

"You obviously were," put in Emmett, winking. "Practically humping on the dancefloor," he added for Edward's benefit and it was my turn to flush as I thought of myself grinding against Paul and groping him. Edward sniggered.

"You guys want some beers?" Paul offered and then turned away to get them, fighting his way through the two-deep layer of people surrounding the bar.

"How's it going?" Edward asked me.

"Pretty good. I thought it might be awkward at first, but it's not at all."

"He looks hot," my manager blurted and then flushed again as Emmett punched him lightly in the shoulder.

"Wandering eyes already, huh?"

"Don't tell me you don't look sometimes."

"Nope. Only have eyes for you, babe," Emmett grinned.

"Aww." I smirked at Edward, whose eyes were sparkling despite his red face. The pair's feelings for each other were written all over their faces.

When Paul returned with the beers, we spent an hour hanging out with my colleagues, which at least took our minds off of what would happen later. Although Edward had been to my apartment for dinner a few times, I'd never seen him socially otherwise and I quickly found that he and Emmett were great company. Paul seemed to be getting along well with them both too, although I had been a little anxious that he might not appreciate spending time with Emmett, given our very brief history.

When the beers were gone, Paul and I returned to the dancefloor, quickly becoming swallowed up amongst the crowd of dancers and continuing until our shirts were damp with sweat and our excitement and eagerness to be alone drove us towards the door. We found a cab outside and rode back to the gym in silence. Knowing what would happen when we arrived, suddenly I had nothing to say and Paul didn't speak either.

Ten minutes later I was unlocking the outer door and we hurried up the stairs to the apartment. I fumbled with the key to that door, almost dropping it before I got it into the lock, my heart racing and palms damp. Finally the door was open and I stepped inside, almost panting as Paul closed it firmly and then pushed me up against it, my back to him the same way he had done before we left hours before. I felt hot breath on my neck, his teeth grazing my skin as he nibbled the sensitive area beneath my ear, his arms around me and fingers hastily unfastening my shirt, then my belt and pants. I groaned when he brushed my cock as my zipper slid down and then his hands left me and he was fumbling with his own clothes.

Gasping, I leaned my weight on the door and slid one hand down to touch myself, gripping firmly and giving myself a few long slow pumps. Then Paul's hands were on me again, pushing my pants and underwear down around my thighs before he stepped closer, grinding himself against my butt, his freed cock nestling into my crack.

"Holy shit," I hissed, struggling to part my legs and finding them hampered by my pants around my thighs. Paul slid an arm around me, pushing my hand off of my erection and replacing it with his own, stroking me tantalisingly slowly while he rubbed himself against me, his cock sliding easily against my skin, lubricated with pre-cum.

"I'm so desperate to fuck you," he growled into my ear. "Want to do it right here..."

I would have let him do anything he wanted, anywhere he wanted, but to my surprise he drew away after a moment and I turned around.

"Paul?"

"Yeah, much as I want to fuck you against the door, it'll be over too quick and probably put you out of action for the rest of the weekend." He shrugged his shirt off and tossed it onto the couch, then toed off his shoes. I followed suit, shedding my clothes right there in the lounge, throwing them onto the furniture or simply dropping them on the floor. Then I led the way into my bedroom and lay down in the middle of the bed, waiting for Paul to join me. He advanced slowly, his thick cock quivering in front of him, the tip glistening in the dim light afforded from the uncovered window. I licked my lips, my eyes fixed on it as he climbed onto the bed and crawled over me, pushing my legs apart with his knee and lowering himself onto me.

I slid my arms around him, letting out a low moan as his body came into contact with mine, his erection resting alongside my own, the weight of him pinning me to the mattress. I ran my hands lightly up and down his back, tracing his spine and spreading my fingers out over his butt, squeezing the firm flesh. He looked down at me, his gaze heated and I stared back into his eyes, wondering if the look I saw in them was more than just lust. A few times before he'd looked at me as if he loved me too, but he had only hinted at it verbally, saying that he 'felt the same'. He had never said the words and I thought that even if he wanted to, he would probably think it was too soon to tell me.

He lowered his head suddenly and his mouth covered mine, our lips sliding together in a slow caress before our tongues met, his stroking over mine almost teasingly. His hips moved slightly, grinding his lower body against me, rubbing our cocks together, drawing another moan from me before his tongue plunged deeper into my mouth, muffling any further sound. My heart raced and I could feel myself leaking, adding to the lubrication Paul's cock had already provided. My balls were tight and aching and I knew it wouldn't take much to make me come. We could simply lie there that way, thrusting against each other and I would lose it within a few minutes.

Paul broke the kiss a moment later, lifting himself off of me a little. "Do you have lube?" he panted.

"In the top drawer. There are condoms there too."

He leaned over towards the chest beside the bed and retrieved the items, then stretched out at my side, squeezing lube onto his fingers. My legs were still splayed out on the mattress and I pulled my knees up as he reached down, stroking one finger over my perineum, circling my hole briefly and then moving away from it. I twitched and shivered, longing to touch myself, but knowing it would push me too close to the edge before anything could happen. Instead I began running my hand over Paul's chest, caressing the sculpted muscles, feeling his heart pounding beneath the firm flesh, capturing the nipple ring and tugging on it, giving it little twists and making him groan and curse, his erection throbbing against my hip.

I looked down, watching my neglected cock quivering against my belly while Paul's hand worked between my legs, the tip of one digit finally pushing into me, then withdrawing almost at once. I groaned in protest and he grinned, teasing my entrance with light touches, making me clench and shudder.

"Please," I begged helplessly.

"Begging, Jacob?"

"You better believe it. You're torturing me."

"You love it." His finger dipped into me again, deeper this time and I pushed myself eagerly against his hand. I let my eyes slide closed, concentrating on what I was feeling as he continued touching me tormentingly slowly and carefully, the one finger curling this way and that, stretching me slightly but not reaching far enough to touch my prostate.

"God, Paul," I panted. "I need more."

To my relief a second finger joined the first, not causing much more than very slight discomfort after my own recent explorations in the past few days. I sighed in relief as he thrust the two fingers firmly in and out, fucking me with them, scissoring a little to stretch me. I opened my eyes again, watching pre-cum leak from me and form a small puddle on my belly. Paul sat up suddenly and bent over me, the tip of his tongue reaching out to tease the head of my cock, catching another bead of fluid before it could drip from my slit. His lips parted and drew a couple inches of my length into his mouth, sucking on it firmly as he slowly pushed a third finger into me. I whimpered from a combination of the feel of his hot mouth and the slight burn of the invasion and his fingers moved more slowly while his mouth tugged at me insistently.

"Fuck, don't make me come yet," I begged, reluctantly reaching down to push at his head. I was torn between wanting to let him keep going until I exploded into his mouth, and waiting until he was filling me, each thrust of his hips shoving me into the mattress. I groaned again and he released me slowly and sat up.

"You ready?"

"Yeah," I panted.

He withdrew his fingers and picked up the condom packet he had removed from my drawer, tearing it open swiftly and rolling the rubber onto his erection. It seemed an age before he was done, but it could only have been a few seconds. He sat back on his heels and beckoned to me, indicating I should get up.

"How do you want me?" I sat up slowly.

"Turn around, sit on my lap."

I turned and kneeled with my lower legs either side of him, my butt hovering over his thighs. He drew me downwards slowly with one hand on my hip, the other guiding the tip of his cock into me. I grunted softly as the head breached my muscle and I held still, my thighs quivering as I held myself up, gradually pushing down onto him an inch at a time.

"Fuck, you're so tight," Paul gasped, his hands gripping both of my hips to support me. "I missed this."

"Me too." I rose up a little and then sank down again, letting myself stretch slowly and take the rest of his length into me, arching my back as his hands slid up my sides and around to my chest. I sat still, his erection filling me, twitching slightly within me, my body trembling all over. His hands caressed my pecs, one quickly moving lower and tracing the ridges of my abs before it followed the narrow line of hair down to the root of my cock and gripped it firmly. I thrust up into his hand and gyrated my hips, grinding myself onto him, hearing the sharp hiss of his breath being sucked in through his teeth. I lifted myself up a little, letting half his length slip from me before I pushed down again harder and we adopted a slightly awkward rhythm, his hand pumping me while I rode him, sometimes up and down and up smoothly, sometimes halting with my thighs flush with his, rolling my hips until he was cursing in my ear and pushing me up again.

He felt so good; every part of him felt good - his warm, strong hands caressing me, rubbing and squeezing; his lips and teeth on my neck or the back of my shoulder; his thick shaft filling me. He rose up on his knees suddenly, both hands on my hips now and I leaned forward, planting my own hands on the mattress and sliding my knees further apart. My head dropped between my shoulders and I let my arms bend and slide forward as Paul began to drive himself harder into me, his thighs slapping against the backs of mine, his cock dragging over my prostate repeatedly.

"Yes," I hissed. "Harder...fuck me, Paul...God, you feel so good...more...harder..." I was babbling, probably fairly incoherently, my words interspersed with groans and gasps as he pounded himself into me, his fingers digging into my hips and probably leaving the same marks they had the first time we had been together. I reached back and began to jerk myself off, trying to keep in time with his thrusts, but finding it impossible as he pistoned into me faster and harder, driving me towards the wall until I had to brace the other hand against it to prevent my head banging into the end of the bed.

I was so close, my orgasm just a few seconds out of reach. Heat coiled in my belly and began to spread outwards, balls tightening and threatening to shoot my load onto the mattress in front of me. I slowed my hand movements determinedly, wanting to make it last just another minute.

"Jake...fuck...gonna come..." Paul growled. "Come for me. Let me feel it."

I gave up and let myself go, my cock pulsing in my hand, spilling over my fingers and onto the bed, my ass clenching tighter around Paul and pulling his own orgasm from him. Just as I was teasing the last drops from myself, I felt him fill the condom, his movements slowing suddenly and his hands slipping on my damp flesh.

"Fuck...so good..." he panted.

I stayed still, disappointed when he pulled out of me and moved away to dispose of the condom. I sank down onto the bed and rolled over, grimacing as my back came into contact with my own fluid on the sheet. Paul lay down beside me, laying one heavy arm across my belly, still breathing hard, his skin slick with sweat as was mine. I ran my hand over his chest, feeling his racing heart and I looked up slowly and met his eyes.

"I love you, Paul."

Again his response was to cover my mouth with his, as breathless as we both were, and lazily kiss me until we were forced to draw apart to suck in oxygen. I guessed it was still too soon for him and I tried to tell myself that the look on his face and in his eyes was enough. I let my eyes close, thinking that I would get up in a few minutes and take a quick shower, but my body felt too heavy to move. I rolled away from Paul a little as my breathing slowed and he spooned up against my back, his arm still around my middle. Just like our first time, we drifted into sleep together, spent and sated.

I wasn't sure how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes again it was still dark. I could hear Paul's even breathing and feel the warmth of it on my neck and I guessed he was still sleeping. We lay in the same position we had slipped away in, his knees tucked into the backs of mine, arm around my waist, his cock now hard again and pressed against my ass.

"...you."

I wasn't expecting him to speak and what he said was muffled, his mouth against my neck and I missed the first part.

"What d'you say?" I murmured.

"I said I love you," he said more clearly.

Instantly I was wide awake, my heart lurching and skipping and I turned over quickly, raising my hand to touch his face. He looked serious, but his eyes sparkled in the darkness and I leaned in to brush my lips over his before I answered.

"Love you too."

He moved closer to me and pressed his face into my neck and I slid my arm around him. His heart was pounding as rapidly as mine and a minute or so passed without either of us moving or speaking.

"Would've told you a long time ago," Paul said, his lips brushing my skin as he spoke. "I just kept trying to tell myself it wasn't real, when you weren't free to be with me."

"I'm so sorry for the way everything happened," I told him. "I knew how I felt about you from the first time you came to New York; I just screwed everything up. I hated hurting you, I just didn't know what to do for the best."

"And now?"

"Now I am free to be with you. The divorce papers are signed; Leah knows about you and she'll eventually find somebody else. Sarah still has to come first with me if she needs anything and she can't know about me and you yet; she's too young."

"I can understand that," Paul said. "I'm not gonna try to encroach on anything here. I think at least for now, we're just going to get a weekend together every couple of weeks. Work will keep us apart if nothing else."

"At least I can get away more now," I said. "My new assistant manager is really good and Emmett often helps Edward out as well as being a trainer."

"So when do you have to be back there?"

"Not until Monday, although I have to take Sarah to school first."

"I can stay until then. If you want me to. I'll just leave early, whatever time you need to kick me out."

"It'll be about seven-thirty or so. There's a train at eight-thirty," I told him and then moved closer again to kiss him, caressing his lips with mine for a long moment before I drew back again. "I think we should stop talking now."

"Yeah, we have some catching up to do," he responded with a smirk.

I slid my hand down between us and captured his erection, which was nudging my belly insistently, leaving a wet smear of pre-cum on my skin. Grasping it firmly, I rubbed my thumb over the head and then stroked down its length, pushing my hips forward to bring my own hard-on into contact with it. Paul groaned as I rubbed both cocks together and covered my hand with his own, stroking us more firmly for a minute or two before pulling our hands off.

"Fuck, Jake, I need to come so badly. I've never been so desperate to fuck anyone, even though it's only been a few hours."

"Me too," I panted. "I want your cock in me. Fuck me, Paul."

"Where's the lube?"

I groped around for the bottle and passed it to him, raising my leg and draping it over his hip as he coated his fingers in the slick fluid and then reached down between my legs. One finger pushed gently into me and then a second and I moaned, resuming touching both of us lightly, teasing our throbbing erections while Paul prepared me, slowly stretching me although after our session a few hours before, I didn't need him to take so much time over it.

"I'm ready," I whispered, releasing him. I rolled over to face away from him, one leg raised and the foot braced in front of me to give him access. He pressed himself close to me, tucking himself between my legs, his hard heat sliding against me. I lowered my leg again, trapping him there between my thighs and his arm slid around me, his mouth touching my neck as he palmed me slowly, pressing my cock against my belly. His hips moved slightly, shallow thrusts pushing his cock back and forth and I shuddered and gyrated, loving this new feeling but at the same time wanting more. I wanted him in me and again I wondered how it would feel without a condom between us. I didn't voice it, concerned that it was too soon to discuss it, that maybe he wouldn't want to or would think it too much of a risk, but I couldn't help thinking about how good he would feel inside me; how it would feel if he came inside of me.

"Fuck," I hissed and suddenly he was cupping my balls, tugging on them while I shivered and trembled, fighting back my orgasm.

"You are eager," Paul chuckled, pulling himself out from between my legs and releasing me. "Breathe."

I laughed shortly, sucking in a long breath and blowing it out slowly and shakily.

"Wanna tell me what you were thinking?" He sat up and leaned over me, feeling around blindly in the top drawer of my chest until he found a condom.

"It was just...you fucking me," I panted. "I need you in me; want you so much."

I heard the condom wrapper tear, the rubber rolling onto him and then the wet sound of lube again as he coated his shaft in it. Then his hand slid under my knee, raising my leg and the blunt head of his cock pushed against me, seeking access. I breathed out again slowly as he slid in, pausing with only the head in me and replacing his arm around me although he rested his hand on my stomach instead of my cock. I rocked back against him, taking him deeper, his thick length filling and stretching me again until his body was flush with mine.

"Feels so good," I murmured. "Love you so much; love your big cock."

His teeth nibbled my ear and warm breath blew into it and down my neck. "I love your tight ass; love it when you squeeze me when you're coming..."

"I'm not gonna take long," I admitted. Even without him touching me, the feel of him inside me, gradually beginning to slide back and forth now, gentle shallow thrusts, was pushing me closer again and I wasn't going to be able to stop it this time. Instead I let myself go, moving with him, pulling his hand off my belly and placing it over my cock, bucking my hips to fuck his fist as it closed around me. It wasn't frantic and fast-paced as the first time had been, but slow and languid and no less needy. My balls were tight against my body, the base of my cock thickening in Paul's hand, spine tingling as I began to lose control.

"Come for me, Jake," he panted, gripping me tighter and then I was spilling into his hand and onto the bed, my ass clenching around him. He released my spent cock and slid his hand under my leg, manoeuvring me so that he could get just a little deeper although he didn't increase the speed of his thrusts into me as his own orgasm approached. I continued to move with him, gasping for breath, my own cock softening, over sensitive, still leaking a little.

"So close," Paul panted. "You feel so fucking good. Christ Jacob!" This last was almost a yell as he released into the condom and this time he stayed in me, lying still against me, his heart hammering against my back, slick hot skin against skin, warm breath puffing rapidly onto my neck. Gradually he began to soften and he reached down to rescue the condom as he slipped out, then spooned up against me once more and wrapped one arm tightly around me. "Love you," he breathed.

It was the second time he had said it and it gave me just as much of a thrill as the first time. Finally I had what I really wanted; I had Paul; I had his heart and I vowed I wasn't going to do anything to so much as bruise it ever again.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I opened my eyes, realising that we must have fallen asleep again. It was bright daylight and I grimaced as I moved, my skin sticky with dried sweat and cum, the sheet patchy and stained beneath me. Paul was lying flat on his back inches away from me, snoring softly, uncovered and with his morning erection quivering against his belly. My cock twitched in response, but I ignored it and sat up reluctantly. I was desperate to get in the shower and I left Paul sleeping and headed into the bathroom.

I was just rinsing off the shower gel and shampoo when he appeared, shooting me a grin before he turned away to empty his bladder, fighting a stubborn erection for several minutes before he flushed and came to join me.

"Morning."

"Hey." I rested my back against the tiled wall and pulled him close to me until his body rested against mine.

"Starting without me?" he grinned.

"Just wanted to get cleaned up. I'm gonna have to strip the bed this morning, I think."

Paul's grin widened. "You'll be stripping it again tomorrow morning." He took a step back and grabbed my shampoo. "Ok if I use this? I brought some, but..." He glanced towards the door.

"Help yourself." I picked up the shower gel and poured some into my hand, soaping him up while he washed his hair. His cock was already jutting out in front of him again and I teased him mercilessly, lathering it with light touches, stopping each time he tried to push himself against my hand.

"Damn you," he muttered. "I'm not gonna be able to go anywhere for breakfast in this state."

"I suppose I could help you with that first," I said, feigning reluctance, changing the angle of the cascading water to rinse him off. Suddenly I wanted to taste him. Other than the dancing, we hadn't really enjoyed any foreplay the previous night, too desperate for sex and I turned the water off and lowered myself to my knees. He hummed appreciatively and moved his feet apart, leaning back against the wall the way I had done, his erection bumping my cheek. Then he twisted to the side and again straightened his hips, slapping it against my face.

"Suck me, Jake," he growled.

I ran my tongue over his tip and then drew it between my lips, sucked on it gently for a moment before I released it and ducked lower, extending my tongue to lap at his balls. He groaned loudly, his cock growing even harder and rising to meet his belly, his fists clenching at his sides. I rested my hands on his thighs, stroking the firm, damp flesh while I drew one ball into my mouth, sucking it, rolling it around on my tongue, pressing my nose against him and breathing in the warm musky scent of him coupled with shower gel.

"Holy shit!" he hissed. I chucked softly, my mouth vibrating around him before I let the one ball slip free and captured the other to give it the same treatment. Paul cursed and muttered, his thighs trembling under my hands, his erection twitching and leaking in front of me. I released him again and caught a droplet of pre-cum as it rolled down his shaft, then opened my mouth and took him in, slowly lowering my head until his tip bumped the back of my throat.

"Fuck, yes!"

I slid my hands up his thighs to his hips, then around to his butt, squeezing the firm flesh while I began to bob my head up and down, flicking my tongue against his length while my lips slid along the smooth hot skin.

"God, Jake, I'm not gonna last long," Paul groaned.

I laughed again, the sound muffled by my full mouth and he emitted another groan, resting one hand on my head and thrusting his hips forward. I moved backwards a little and held still, letting him fuck my mouth slowly while I reached up with one hand, groping blindly for the lube in the shower gel tray. I didn't think he noticed what I was doing; I could see his eyes were closed, his head thrown back as his hips bucked forwards rhythmically. I squeezed out lube onto two fingers and reached beneath him, a little nervous, although he had asked me to touch him like this once before. I stroked slick fingers back and forth, brushing over his hole and glancing up at his face to note his reaction. His eyes flew open and his hips stilled.

"Yes," he encouraged and I pulled my head back, releasing him from my mouth momentarily while I pushed one finger against him. It slid in to the first knuckle and then I paused.

"Is this ok?"

"God, yes. You can use two."

I pushed the one digit deeper, as far as I could reach, then began to pump it in and out slowly, feeling his tight heat gripping it and clenching around me every so often. I could only imagine how it would feel for him when his cock was buried deep in my ass. I had never had the inclination to top, but I loved pleasuring him like this with my fingers. My own shaft quivered between my thighs, pre-cum dripping from me onto the tiles. Carefully I added a second finger, surprised that he didn't seem to be feeling any discomfort, but I guessed he must touch himself like this the same way I sometimes did. I guided his cock back into my mouth and began thrusting with both fingers, curling them upwards and searching for his prostate the way he did with me, knowing I found it when he yelled out suddenly, snapping his hips forward and driving himself into my throat. I almost gagged and pulled off a couple inches, breathing hard through my nose although he didn't appear to notice.

"Fuck...yes...keep doing that...I'm gonna come so hard..." he panted. I timed the rhythm of my fingers to the thrust of his cock in my mouth and in mere minutes, I could feel his shaft pulsing, his hot tunnel tightening around my fingers and then he was unloading into my mouth, thick spurts of cum accompanied by deep groans and an unintelligible string of curses.

"So good...Christ...stop...too sensitive," he gasped as I continued to suck on the head of his cock, drawing the last drops from him. He pulled free of my mouth and I withdrew my fingers slowly and rose to my feet, leaning in to brush my lips over his.

"Mmm, I can taste me." He smiled and opened his eyes. "Let's dry off and get on the bed; I want to return the favour."

Five minutes later I had stripped the sheets from the bed and was lying on the bare mattress, my legs spread wide as Paul kneeled between them, my cock in his mouth, one hand caressing my balls and the fingers of the other in my ass. I didn't even last as long as he had, much further along than I expected just from what I had been doing to him and I emptied myself rapidly, shooting into Paul's throat as he sucked on my length, his nose in my pubic hair and his fingers massaging my prostate. He released me slowly and stretched out at my side as I gasped for air, my chest heaving and limbs trembling.

We lay there together for a little while, regaining our strength until empty stomachs began to protest loudly. Then we hauled ourselves up and put some clothes on, deciding to head out to a diner rather than use the gym cafeteria again. I quickly put fresh sheets on the bed first, just in case we returned later, desperate to dive back into bed and then we went out and spent a couple hours over a huge brunch and several cups of coffee. Afterwards we decided to go back to the apartment and just hang out for a while, watching a couple of movies before Paul suggested a workout in the gym.

"Sure you've got the energy?" I teased.

"I have plenty of energy."

"You know if I have to watch you working out I'm gonna want to drag you back up here to fuck me," I said, smirking.

"That's the plan." He peeled off the t-shirt he was wearing and unfastened his jeans. I stared unashamedly as he stripped naked, then took out a pair of shorts and a wife-beater from his bag and put them on. I followed suit, grimacing as I unzipped my pants to reveal that I was half hard.

"Damn, Jake, you better get that under control before we go downstairs," Paul grinned. "Edward and Emmett are gonna wonder what we've been doing."

"I'm sure they've been doing the same thing." I shoved my cock into a pair of shorts and willed it to go down, trying to think about anything except sex while I found sneakers and one of the shirts I used for the gym. Thankfully it subsided and ten minutes later we walked into the gym, deciding to start with a warm up on some of the cardio-vascular equipment. As usual for a Sunday morning, a lot of the machines were in use, but we secured two treadmills and set them for a twenty-minute run with random inclines.

"Morning! Didn't you two get enough of a workout with...um...dancing?" Emmett was grinning as he appeared in front of us. I felt myself redden slightly, but Paul just laughed.

"That all you did, is it, Emmett?"

"Uh...well..." Emmett coughed, eyes sparkling.

"Where's Edward?" I asked.

"In his office, sorting out some paperwork or something. I'll leave you to it." He strolled off to check on a couple of awkward looking girls attempting to set up cycling programmes. They immediately began fawning over him while he set the machines up for them and I realised I didn't recognise them. They must be newcomers and I decided to have a chat with Edward and Collin the next day to see exactly how many new members we had since I'd handed over the reins more and more. There were at least a dozen people in the room that I couldn't remember seeing before, mostly female.

After the running, Paul and I rowed and then spent thirty minutes doing some light weights. I did my best to concentrate on what I was doing, but no matter which way I looked I could see him, reflected in the mirrored wall behind the free weights. His arms and shoulders bulged and flexed, legs planted apart with thighs taut, sweat glistening on his caramel skin and a damp line soaking through the back of his t-shirt. Somehow I managed not to get obviously hard, but I was relieved when the session was over and we set off upstairs to the apartment.

"You fucking tease," I grumbled as we reached the apartment door.

"Don't know what you mean, I was just working out," Paul said with a smirk.

"I was almost getting hard the whole time we were using the weights."

"That just shows where your mind is then, doesn't it?" He laughed and then grimaced suddenly. "You weren't the only one."

"You weren't hard; I'd have noticed."

"It was close." He caught my hand suddenly and pressed it to his crotch and I found my palm cupping a semi-erection. I gave it a light squeeze and then rubbed my hand over it, feeling it grow quickly in response. My own cock stiffened in my shorts and began to tent the fabric obscenely.

"Christ, Jake, get the fucking door open, will you?" Paul exclaimed, pushing my hand off. I retrieved the key from my sock quickly and opened the door. I was reminded of the previous day when Paul grabbed me, slamming the door closed behind us and pushing me against it, although I faced him this time. "I am so fucking hard for you right now," he said through his teeth.

"Fuck me," I breathed. "Right here. You wanted to..."

My sentence was cut off by his tongue thrusting urgently into my mouth, his hands gripping my sides and his knee pushing my thighs apart. I held onto his neck, responding eagerly to the kiss, breathing hard through my nose as we devoured each other, lips crushed against teeth, tongues fighting for dominance. Paul slid one hand between us, shoving my shorts down followed by his own, fingers curling around both our erections and rubbing them together.

Groaning, I turned my head to the side to break the kiss and suck in some air. Desire had rapidly changed to desperate need and I gyrated my hips, longing for more friction as he stroked us together only lightly, ducking his head now to nibble at the pulse point beneath my ear.

"God, Paul," I moaned. "I need you in me."

He stepped away, releasing me, then grasped the bottom of my t-shirt and yanked it upwards and off over my head as I raised my arms, then paused to remove the wife-beater. I toed off my sneakers and pushed my shorts further down my thighs until they slid past my knees and pooled on the floor around my feet. Paul's eyes locked onto mine, dark with desire as he disposed of the rest of his own clothes and then pressed himself against me once more, heated damp skin sliding together as we ground against each other, crushing our erections between our bellies, clutching at each other.

"Fuck," he muttered after a moment, peeling himself off of me. "Don't move."

I rested against the door, panting and trembling as he went to his bag and retrieved lube and a condom, placing them on the small table by the door. Then he grabbed me almost roughly by the hips, turning me and pushing me up against the hard surface. My erection throbbed, trapped between the heat of my belly and the coldness of the door and I groaned and shuddered, parting my legs eagerly as Paul's hand stroked over my butt, the fingers trailing along the crack of my ass and brushing over my hole.

"Please," I sighed.

I heard the cap of the lube opening and a moment later slick fingers were stroking me, coating me liberally in the cool liquid before the tip of one digit pushed inside. I grunted softly and pushed my hips back against his hand, desperate for more.

"Feel good?" Paul murmured.

"Mmm...more, please...fuck me..." I begged.

"Want my cock?"

"Yes!"

Another finger entered and I forced myself to relax as the two pushed deeper, stretching me, thrusting slowly in and out while his free hand reached around me now and grasped my cock, stroking firmly but tormentingly slowly. After a minute or two he began scissoring his fingers, preparing me for the invasion of his cock which I repeatedly felt bumping against my hip, hard and leaking, indicating he was as eager to come as I was.

I was disappointed when his fingers left me, but then he was grinding himself against me, his hard length pressed into my crack, sliding easily against my lube-slicked skin. He thrust against me repeatedly, balls bumping me lightly, his hand continuing to pump me slowly, teeth nipping at my ear and my neck.

"God...so good..." I panted.

"Ready for me?"

"Unh..." The sound was strangled as his hand loosely circled my throat, forcing my head back against his shoulder and I moaned again, trying to push myself forward into his hand and backward onto his cock, resulting in an erratic squirming. His hands left me immediately and I mumbled in protest as his body moved away. I slid one hand down to my erection and rubbed it firmly, glancing behind me to see Paul ripping open the condom packet and sheathing himself quickly. Then he was pulling my hand off myself and pushing me against the door again, pinning me there while he guided himself to my entrance. I breathed out, long and slow as he breached me, for once not stopping but continuing in one smooth thrust until he bottomed out inside of me, his thick length filling and stretching me.

"Oh...fuck...yes...so tight..." he muttered. His fingers were digging hard into my hips and he held still within me, his body flush with mine. I shivered, arching my back as much as my trapped position would allow, grinding myself onto him, hands braced on the door. Slowly he began to withdraw, almost all the way until only the head of his cock remained in me and then he snapped his hips forward, burying himself deep again, his length dragging over my prostate.

_"Fucking Christ!"_ I yelled and heard him chuckle in my ear before he backed up a step, pulling me with him, one hand sliding up my back to my neck to bend me forwards, changing the angle of penetration. I moaned and slid my hands down the door, planting my feet a little further apart as he replaced both hands on my hips and began to fuck me, hard and urgently, his thighs slapping against mine, balls bumping me, my neglected cock quivering in front of me and dripping onto the floor. My ass burned a little from the rough intrusion, but at the same time it felt good, so fucking good that I could have erupted without either of us touching me any more. Paul was gasping and grunting and I could feel droplets of sweat falling from him onto my butt and lower back as he slammed into me, repeatedly shifting the position of his hands as they slipped on my slick flesh.

"Jerk yourself off," he panted. "I want to see you come while I'm fucking you."

"God...it's not gonna take long." I took one hand off the door and rested the other forearm on it instead to balance myself better. I sighed with relief when I touched myself, wrapping my fingers around my heated shaft and fucking my fist with the rhythm of Paul's thrusts into me.

"That's it...make yourself come...I love how your ass squeezes me when you come...fuck, I'm so close...you feel so fucking good..."

I had never been one for dirty talk before I met Paul, I remembered. Somehow it had made me feel uncomfortable, but maybe because before it had only been one-offs. I loved Paul and we were perfect together like this; the way he was talking only drove me faster towards my orgasm and I added to the breathless phrases coming from his mouth.

"Fuck me harder...I'm almost there...need to come so bad...that's it, fill me...you're so fucking big...more...ugh..." I groaned long and deep as heat flooded through me, spreading out from my groin and up my spine, thighs trembling and my hand moving erratically on my cock as it jerked and emptied, spraying thick white strands onto the door and dripping onto the floor.

Paul was pounding into me so fast that I could barely distinguish one thrust from the next. I repeatedly clenched around him after I came, feeling him pulsing within me and filling the condom, grinding himself against me and holding himself deep inside until he was spent. Trembling I leaned more heavily on the door as he slipped from me and then pulled me upright, my back to his chest and his arms around me.

"That was fucking amazing," he whispered.

I turned my head as far to the left as I could, my cheek bumping his nose and his hand lifted to cup my chin, his lips meeting mine in an awkward and messy kiss, both of us panting and struggling to breathe. My legs were weak, reluctant to continue holding me up and I let my weight sag against Paul for a moment.

"God, I need to lie down," I chuckled eventually and he stepped back, one arm still draped around me as we made our way back to my bed and collapsed onto the mattress. I lay flat on my back, Paul on his side facing me. I forced my eyes open slowly and met his as he propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at me.

"I love you," he said huskily.

"I love you too." I still felt a thrill when he said that to me; I had wanted to hear it for so long and wondered if I ever would.

Eventually we dragged ourselves off the bed and into the bathroom for another shower, then dressed in only shorts and sprawled on the couch watching television. We did nothing much for the rest of the day, just relaxing in each other's company and ordering take-out for dinner. The weekend was almost over and I found myself repeatedly glancing at the clock as it crawled towards ten, wishing I could have just a few more hours with him. It would be another couple of weeks before we could do this again.

We didn't have sex again when we went to bed. I was sore and we were both exhausted and even though each other's proximity quickly made us hard, we ignored it and merely held each other, talking quietly in the darkness. I was dreading him leaving in the morning, but I had already decided I was going to get ready extra early so that I could accompany him to the station, rather than say goodbye at my door. I almost wanted to stay awake all night so that I would have a few more hours consciously with him, but my eyelids were drooping and after the active day, lack of sleep would have me feeling like hell the next day. I let myself slip away and when I woke with Paul wrapped around me, it was still only six o'clock.

"You awake?" he murmured in my ear.

"Yeah."

"How long have we got?"

"An hour maybe. I thought I'd go to the station with you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

"Ok." He slid away from me and got up to go to the bathroom. When he was done I went to empty my bladder and clean my teeth, then returned to the bed to grab a last half hour in his arms. We did nothing but kiss and touch, rubbing our cocks against each other, stroking and thrusting against each other until our hands and bellies were a sticky mess and we were forced to take yet another shower. We scrubbed ourselves, dried off and dressed and Paul gathered everything up and shoved it into his bag. It was time for him to go and I wasn't ready for it.

I grabbed keys, wallet and phone and we left the apartment as the first crowd of gym-goers were arriving. Emmett was standing by the door greeting everyone with a wide grin and a skimpy outfit and I gave him a wave, wondering if he was the reason for the increase in female members. I went with Paul on the subway to the station and checked out train times for him to get back to Boston, then headed for the platform he would leave from.

"I fucking hate goodbyes," he grumbled suddenly.

"I do too. I wish you could stay longer."

"I wish you could come back with me."

I sighed heavily and stepped closer to him. "When are you free next?"

"I don't know, but I'll make sure it's next weekend." He gave me a sudden grin. "Two weeks is gonna seem like too long."

I glanced around me, checking to see if anyone was watching us or if anyone I knew was nearby; not that it mattered. I was with him; the people that mattered to me knew about it and there was no reason for me to hide. I raised my hands to his chest and gripped the fronts of his jacket.

"I'm gonna miss you."

"Me too." He wrapped his arms around me suddenly and his lips touched mine lightly. "You don't mind being seen with me like this?"

"No. I love you; I don't care who knows it."

"I love you too, Jake." His lips pressed against mine again, more firmly this time, although we didn't deepen it. I was the first to pull back and turn my face into his neck for a moment instead, breathing in the scent of him and blinking away the prickle in my eyes. Then I reluctantly stepped back and out of his arms.

"I better go; don't want to be late for taking Sarah to school, it's her first day back."

"I know. Hope she's ok. Call me tonight, yeah?"

"Soon as I finish work," I promised.

I walked backwards a few steps and then forced myself to turn around and walk away, glancing back a couple of times and noting him watching me, until I eventually stepped onto the escalator leading down to the subway station and couldn't see him any more. I felt horribly sad saying goodbye, but at the same time elated and I found myself struggling not to grin like a fool as I travelled to Leah's apartment. Paul _loved_ me. We were together, finally, not just for the occasional random fuck when opportunity allowed, but properly. I knew there would still be some difficulties - juggling being with him and being with Sarah, the distance between us, his sometimes inconvenient business trips, but at last we were happy and I knew we could make it work.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

I felt ridiculously alone when Paul had gone. I had plenty to occupy me, first collecting Sarah and taking her to school and then going to the gym for a few hours before I would need to pick her up again and take her home, but he was constantly on my mind. The weekend had been amazing - better than I could possibly have hoped for, but it only made the time in between more difficult.

Edward didn't waste time in coming to my office when I arrived at work and somehow things had changed between us as well - we were suddenly more like friends than colleagues as we talked about our respective weekends before the conversation shifted to the gym itself. Collin came in to join us then and I raised the subject of the new members I had spotted when working out with Paul.

"A few of them are from Global," Edward admitted. "Their memberships were coming to an end and they weren't happy that Emmett lost his job, so they followed him here."

"He's certainly popular," Collin added.

"Well, it's not difficult to see why," I said, winking at Edward. "He has a certain way with the ladies; not to mention the guys."

"Am I missing something?" asked Collin.

"You do know I'm with Emmett, right?" Edward put in, seemingly more confident in coming out now that he knew he had my support.

"Um...you mean like...dating? No." Collin shook his head vigorously. "It's not obvious."

"Maybe not to a straight guy," I grinned and Collin's eyes widened.

"I'm seeing a guy from Boston who works for the suppliers of some of our gym equipment," I said, realising he was the first person aside from Leah and Edward that I had told and in turn, it was Edward's support that made me just say so without thinking twice about it.

"Oh! Well...that's cool."

"Ok, back to business..."

When the meeting was over I made my presence known in the gym for a while, wandering around and chatting to a few of the people working out, the way I used to before suddenly everything else in my life had become more important. Things had changed so much in the past few months and I wondered where I would go from here. It was early days, but if Paul felt anything like I did, and he certainly seemed to, we wouldn't want to continue a long distance relationship indefinitely. I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help wondering - would he ever want to move to New York? It wasn't feasible for me to leave, particularly in the case of Sarah and also the gym, but I couldn't just expect him to pack up and leave his home and his job. There was plenty of time to think about it of course; we had only had one weekend together really, and our whole lives stretched ahead of us.

I left the gym early and collected Sarah, finding her waiting for me on her crutches, accompanied by one of her friends, a pale-skinned girl with masses of strawberry blonde curls held back from her face by an Alice band. I'd seen her once before that I could remember, when Sarah had a party.

"Mom said Jeannie can come back for dinner," she said. "Is that ok?"

"Of course it's ok, if Mom says," I answered at once.

"My Dad will come get me later," the other girl added.

I escorted the pair to the subway station closest to the school and in twenty minutes we were back at Leah's apartment, riding up in the elevator. The two girls chattered constantly about their day and I merely listened until we got indoors. Leah got up from the table where she had been poring over her books and came to greet us.

"Hey, Jacob. Sorry, I should have let you know you would have two charges this afternoon."

"It's ok."

"How was your first day back, sweetie?"

"Awesome!" Sarah exclaimed and began to recite a description of each class again.

"I'll leave you to it," I said.

"You can stay, if you want," Leah said. "For dinner? It's just pie..."

"If you're sure you don't mind..."

"It's fine, there's plenty of it." She headed for the kitchen and I followed, unwanted by my daughter as she switched on the TV and searched for a show that she and her friend wanted to watch.

"How was the party on Saturday?" I asked.

"Loud." Leah actually laughed. "You know what they're like when there are a bunch of them. Jeannie is Sarah's new best friend in case you wondered. She's been over here before, but they weren't that close."

"I can vaguely remember her," I said. "Who are her parents?"

"Her Dad's Jasper Whitlock; he works in the hospital. He's a single father."

"Where's her Mom?"

"Died in childbirth. Jasper brought Jeannie up on his own."

"Wow; that's rough," I frowned. "Sounds like a good guy."

"Yeah."

I didn't miss the way Leah's cheeks coloured slightly at this point, but I didn't comment. Maybe she liked the guy and if that was the case, she was certainly entitled.

I stayed for a good part of the evening, enjoying a large slice of meat pie with mashed potatoes and vegetables, then playing a computer game with first Sarah and then Jeannie, both of them beating me easily before they played each other. It was seven o'clock when the intercom buzzed and Leah got up to answer it, telling the caller to come straight up.

"Jeannie, your Dad's here," she said then. "You need to go to the bathroom before you leave?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Jeannie disappeared and I glanced at Leah.

"Polite," I commented.

"Yes, she's been brought up well." Again, that faint colouring to her cheeks as she turned away to get the door and I couldn't help listening. "Hey, Jasper."

"Hello, Leah, how are you?"

"Good, thank you. Jeannie will just be a minute, she's in the bathroom. Please, come in."

"Thanks."

"My...um...my ex-husband is here."

"Oh...uh..."

I got up quickly as Leah came back into the room. The guy sounded as awkward as she did and as strange as it seemed to be faced with someone who could potentially become part of Leah's life, I didn't want to make things difficult for him. Leah had been a hell of a lot more understanding than I deserved over my situation. I watched as the man stepped into the room, noting a slim form, light brown collar length curls shot through with blond, blue eyes like his daughter's and a slightly nervous expression.

"Hey, you must be...Jasper Whitlock, right?" I said, sticking my hand out in his direction. "Jacob Black."

"Good to meet you." He shook hands at once, appearing relieved. "We might have seen each other briefly at school last semester."

"Probably." I pulled my hand free and thrust it into my pocket. "So you work at the hospital?"

"Yes, mostly admin and advice." He looked a touch uncomfortable for some reason and didn't elaborate. "Leah tells me you have your own gym."

"Yeah, started up when we were kids."

"Daddy!" Jeannie emerged from the bathroom and I gave Jasper a brief nod and turned away to go back to Sarah as he spoke to Leah and waited for Jeannie to put her shoes on. Then the pair of them were gone and Leah sat down at the opposite end of the sofa.

"Seems like a decent guy," I said.

"Yes."

"Well, I guess I better go. Same time tomorrow, Sarah?"

"Don't be late!" she exclaimed cheekily and I gave her a hug and a kiss before I got up to leave.

Jasper Whitlock, I mused, as I headed back to the subway. Would he be the one to take my place perhaps? It was early days; I had noticed him glancing at Leah repeatedly, even while he spoke to me, and her uncharacteristic blushing indicated she liked him, but would there be more to it? Was she ready to move on? I had no right to think anything negative or make any comment, but still, I couldn't help the smallest pang of jealousy at the idea that my wife - my ex-wife - might fall into the other man's arms one day, even though I hoped for her sake that she would find someone more deserving of her than I had been.

I spent another hour in the gym before I called it a day and went upstairs to relax for the rest of the evening. Paul was still at the forefront of my mind and I wondered what he was doing right then; was he sitting in his apartment alone thinking about me? I snatched up my phone and called him without hesitation. Perhaps things would be easier for us on the phone now.

"Hey, Jacob," he answered almost immediately.

"Hey, are you busy?

"No, I was thinking about texting you to see if you finished work yet."

"I'm done," I said. "I miss you."

"Miss you too. You have a laptop, right?"

"Yes..."

"Skype?"

I grinned and got up to grab the laptop, then changed my mind about returning to the couch and went to my bed instead. I fired up the laptop and placed it on the mattress, answering Paul's questions about what I'd been doing that day while I set it up and logged on.

"Almost ready," I told him. "What's your ID?"

"I should probably have changed it before I suggested this," he said with a short laugh. "Hornycock21."

I snorted with laughter. "I'm guessing you're not new to this, then."

"What can I say? I used to meet guys online sometimes."

"Well, I never talked to a guy online," I said as I entered his ID and made the connection, waiting for him to comment.

"DaddyBlack? Shit, Jake, the 'come to Daddy' comments are going to start now, right?" he chuckled.

"I was thinking more of 'come for Daddy.' No, maybe not; too weird." I hung up the phone and sprawled on the bed so the webcam could capture me and immediately saw Paul on the screen, his face laughing and his chest bare. I adjusted the volume and immediately heard his rumbling laugh issuing from the speakers.

"Maybe we both need to change our names," he said. "So, is this going to be as awkward as when we tried talking on the phone the last few weeks?"

"I don't think so," I said at once. "I wasn't so confident about where we were going before the weekend."

"Me neither. Hey, it's good to see you."

"You too. Even though it was only this morning, it's been a fucking long day."

"Gonna let me see a little more? You're pretty over-dressed there."

"What do you want? A strip-tease?" I joked.

"Just get 'em off, Jacob!" he exclaimed. "My name isn't Hornycock for nothing."

Grinning, I moved away from the laptop and slid off the bed, quickly removing my shirt, jeans and socks, hesitating for a moment before my underwear joined the pile of clothes on the floor. When I lay down again, positioning myself in such a way that everything from my head to my knees would be visible to Paul, I immediately saw a close up of his erection as he gripped it around the base and waved it in front of the camera. He was so hard I could see the veins under the dark caramel skin, the spongy mushroom head swollen and purple and a bead of pre-cum just visible as it began to ooze from his slit. I licked my lips, imagining I could taste him, my own cock stiffening rapidly.

"See this? Been fucking hard all afternoon thinking about you," he said. "Hell knows how we're gonna do this long distance thing. I need to fuck you again." He backed up and sat down, adjusting the laptop so that I could see him sitting on his couch, thighs spread apart, his cock curving up against his belly.

"God, Paul," I groaned. I palmed myself for a moment while I watched him do the same. My heart was pounding, stomach fluttering with excitement and a touch of nerves over doing this on camera.

"Turn around," he said. "Put one leg either side of the computer so I can see everything."

I did as he instructed, propping myself up against the pillows on my back and moving the laptop between my legs, feeling foolishly self-conscious as I spread them wider, exposing myself completely to him.

"Fuck, that's hot," he groaned. "Have you got lube handy?"

I glanced over at the bed table. "Yes."

"Touch yourself for me...inside...tell me what it feels like."

I hardened more and my breathing hitched as I grabbed the bottle of lube and uncapped it. Any feeling of shyness left me and I simply ached for release, hands shaking slightly as I squeezed lube onto my fingers and coated them before adding more to the other hand. I wrapped the one hand around my cock, gasping at the feel of the cool fluid, and stroked up and down a few times, then reached down with my other hand and felt for my hole, circling it with one finger. I kept my eyes on the screen in front of me, watching Paul's tongue emerge and lick his lower lip, then his teeth biting into it, his hand gripping his erection more firmly and sliding up and down as he watched me.

Slowly I pushed the tip of my finger into myself, withdrew it and then pushed it back in deeper. Paul's groan came loudly from the computer's speakers and he cupped his balls with his free hand, massaging them and pulling on them gently. I remembered his request and let myself go with it, trying to be as verbal as possible.

"God, it's so hot inside me...so tight..." I carefully added a second finger and slid them deeper, flinching slightly at the residual soreness from our activities over the weekend. "I'm imagining it's your fingers in me, getting me ready for your cock." I moaned and sighed as I pulled both fingers out almost to the tips and then thrust them back in. "Feels so good when you fuck me, Paul...love your cock...so big and hard..."

"Fucking Christ," he muttered, his hand movements quickening. "I'm gonna come so hard."

I stroked myself more firmly, quickening the pace the same way he was and thrusting my fingers in and out of myself rhythmically.

"Imagine you're inside me right now," I said. "Tight heat squeezing you...making you want to come...God, Paul, I want to feel you come in me..."

"Fuck...Jesus...I'm so close already, damn you..."

"I'm almost there," I reported, pumping myself faster. "Hell, when you fucked me up against the door...that was amazing..."

"You felt so good..."

"Thought you were gonna push me through the door," I panted. "Slamming into me so hard, your big cock filling me, balls bumping me, sweat dripping onto my back..."

"Holy fucking hell!" he growled and I watched as strings of thick white cum spurted from the purple head of his cock, coating his hand and shooting towards the camera. My own orgasm was upon me and I let my eyes close as I shot my load, feeling the warm fluid spatter onto my chest. I continued stroking myself more slowly for a moment after I was done, then withdrew my fingers quickly and wiped both hands on the bedding before I grabbed my discarded shorts to clean myself up properly.

"Christ, Jake," Paul was panting. "At least we can do this to relieve the pressure when we can't see each other."

I rolled over and moved the computer again, then lay on my stomach facing the camera. "Same time tomorrow, then?"

"You bet. So...what you said when you were doing that...was that in the heat of the moment or do you want to try bareback some time?"

"Um..." I felt my face redden. "Yeah, I've been thinking about it. A lot, actually. I want to feel you properly."

His face became serious and I met his eyes as well as I could through the cameras. "I have too. Look, you won't have anything to worry about with me. I've never fucked anyone without a condom except Riley and I was the only one he ever slept with. I've always gotten tested about every six months since then. The last time was a little while after I met you and it was all good. I haven't been with anyone else since around two or three months before that first night in Boston."

I nodded slowly. He was certainly a lot more prepared than I was and it was something that hadn't crossed my mind up until recently.

"I should get tested," I said. "I've only ever been with Leah without protection, but..."

"Well, look, if anything comes back with a red alert, you know you're gonna have to tell Emmett as well," Paul said suddenly, his serious expression dissolving into a smirk as he lightened the mood.

"Fuck off! Can you imagine that conversation?" I pulled a face, but then smiled. I wanted him without that barrier between us, so much, and now I couldn't wait. At least I wouldn't have to wait for a test - it was two and a half years since I'd been with anyone other than Paul and Leah.

I spent another half hour or so talking to Paul and there were no awkward silences while we struggled to think of things to say. We just talked, the same way we did when we were together and it was easy and relaxed and wonderful. When it came time to say goodnight, I told him I loved him and watched his eyes warm and his lips curve up as he repeated the words to me.

Tuesday I went straight to the hospital after I took Sarah to school and enquired about getting tested. I needed to make an appointment for the STI clinic which I did for the next day and then returned Wednesday lunch time, sheepishly walking into the hospital wing where the clinic was held and presenting myself at the desk. I was given a numbered ticket and invited to take a seat in the waiting room. I went to join the three other guys already waiting there, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground and trying not to look at any of them. I noticed briefly that one was dressed in casual sports clothing, similar to my own, the second wore a suit and the last one was greasy-haired, scruffily dressed and he constantly fidgeted and scratched at his arms. I sank down further in my seat, praying that none of these people - at least the first two - were guys who knew me somehow.

A few minutes later another man scurried out of the door in the corner of the room and exited quickly and then a few minutes after that the suit was called in. I picked up a magazine about health and fitness and hid my head in it as another newcomer entered and sat down in a corner. I knew I shouldn't be ashamed of doing the right thing, but I knew each of the other people would be glancing at me and pretending not to while they wondered if I might have caught something, the same way I had done with them.

The suit left ten minutes later and then there was a short pause before the next victim was called. The guy in the sports outfit got up and went in and I checked the number on my ticket again and turned my attention back to the magazine. A little more time passed and the sports guy left; then ticket number three-oh-one was called. Quickly I put the magazine down, got to my feet and strode through the door, closing it behind me, my heart hammering. It was only a blood test, but I was nervous as hell suddenly. Then I saw the doctor or whatever he was and everything got considerably worse.

_Fuck._

"Hello...uh...Jacob. Take a seat please."

I sank, cringing, onto the chair beside the desk, feeling heat creeping up from my neck and suffusing my whole face.

"Don't worry, this is all completely confidential," Jasper Whitlock said.

"God," I groaned. Should I say anything to him, I wondered? How close was he with Leah? Had she told him about me?

"I just need to take a small blood sample," Jasper said. "The test results will come back in about five days."

"I didn't know you worked...in here," I grunted, rolling my sleeve up.

"Well, I don't generally broadcast it. It's a bit of a conversation killer and try explaining something like this to a ten-year-old," he said lightly.

"Does Leah know?"

"Yes."

"Did she tell you about me?" I blurted.

"She said you had someone else, that's all."

"I'm seeing a guy," I admitted.

"Ok. So you know I'm going to make this a whole lot more embarrassing for you by asking a few questions."

"Go for it." I stared at the floor as he fastened a strap around my arm and pulled it tight, then opened up a packet containing a syringe.

"Are you having unprotected sex?"

"No."

"Ever had it?"

"Only with my wife."

"Sleep around?"

"No. And the guy...he's had regular tests."

"Good. Do any drugs?"

"No, not even steroids," I joked.

"Excellent. You'll feel a little scratch..."

I felt the needle go in and glanced up, watching the small vial fill with my blood. "Thanks for being so professional," I said, feeling the colour leave my face at last.

"It's my job," he said with a smile.

"So...um...this is probably the worst time in the world to ask this..."

"Go on." He withdrew the needle, unfastened the strap and capped the vial, removing a small label from his desk and sticking it on.

"You...uh...like Leah?"

"Yes. Are you going to warn me off?"

"Hell, no. Leah makes her own decisions - always has done - and believe me, I have no right telling her anything. I left her for a guy, for God's sake."

"Look...I really like her and I've been alone a long time. Few failed dates in ten years; nothing more. But I don't think she's ready for dating. If that changes and she decides to give it a shot with me...well, I wouldn't mess with her."

I nodded. "And you're not gonna...tell her about this?"

"Jacob, I don't really see that much of her and you're my patient, which means nobody knows you came to see me unless you tell them."

"Thanks."

"You'll receive a letter next week with the results," he added.

"Yeah, thanks, Jasper."

I made my escape then, exiting the hospital quickly and making my way to the subway to return to the gym. As embarrassing as it had been to have my little girl's friend's father and potential suitor for Leah test me for sexual diseases, he had at least made it as painless as possible. I had to admire the guy and as much as he said it was 'his job', if he liked Leah it couldn't have been easy for him dealing with me either. I shook it off and heaved a sigh of relief that it was over. I wasn't really worried about receiving the results, knowing that I had never done anything to put me at risk and as soon as I had that letter in my hand, there would be nothing to stop Paul and me taking that last step together.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I talked to Paul again late that evening on Skype and we planned for him to come back to New York at the weekend. I had already told Sarah I would spend Saturday with her, so Paul intended to get one of the afternoon trains and return home Monday night. He was due some vacation days and knew Andrew would have no problem with him taking one at short notice. We talked for an hour or so before things became heated and again we masturbated for each other. It was a decent enough release when we couldn't be together, but I longed for Saturday night to feel his hands on me for real, rather than only imagine it while he watched me.

At last the weekend arrived and I took Sarah to the movies to see a Disney production, then afterwards to dinner. By six-thirty we were back at the apartment to find Leah finishing up an extra study session.

"How's it going?" I asked her.

"Not bad, I'm quite enjoying it," she said. "Seems funny going back to school at twenty-eight, but it works."

"You really think you can cram the whole course into a year?"

"You know I can do anything I put my mind to, Jacob."

I stayed a few more minutes, but found myself repeatedly glancing at the clock, knowing Paul would be arriving very soon, if he wasn't in New York already. When I left I headed straight back to the gym, my heart pounding with excitement as I travelled on the subway and then jogged the short distance to the building. He had said he intended to make his way there in case I was held up with Sarah and when I arrived, I checked the gym itself before going up to the apartment, thinking I should probably have given him a key.

I took a quick walk around the main part of the gym, disappointed when I didn't see him in there, but then I decided to take a look into the offices and my pulse quickened as I heard his voice, laughing at something. He was leaning against the jamb in Edward's office doorway and I could see my manager the other side of him, red-faced and tugging a hand through his hair. Paul didn't even notice my appearance and I walked up behind him quietly and blew in his ear. He turned quickly and jerked me against him, unconcerned by Edward.

"Missed you." His lips ghosted over mine, but he didn't deepen it. I gave him a hug and stepped back.

"What are you doing, teasing Edward?"

"Couldn't help it. Sorry, Ed," he smirked. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Take him away, Jake. I'm sure you can think of something better for him to do than distracting me from my work."

Paul picked up the bag at his feet and followed me out and up the stairs to the apartment.

"How long have you been here?" I asked.

"Not long, about half an hour. I thought about working out, but I didn't know how long you'd be and I'd have been all sweaty..."

"That's a problem?" I grinned, fumbling with the key. "I like you sweaty."

"Fuck. Give me that; what the hell are you doing?" He reached around me, snatching the key from my hand and jamming it into the lock. His body pressed lightly against my back and I immediately felt the beginnings of an erection nudging my butt. We had restrained ourselves from Skyping Friday night and instead just talked on the phone and now, the feel of his growing excitement had blood rushing to my groin. By the time we had gotten the door open, stepped through and locked it again, I was half hard and I turned towards Paul, eager for his lips on mine.

"God, I missed you," I groaned and then his mouth smothered my words, tongue plunging in seeking mine as his arms snaked around me, one sliding low to my butt, pulling me in tight against him. I was wearing cargo shorts while he was in jog pants, neither garment hiding or holding back our excitement. Fabric tented around throbbing erections and I gyrated my hips, seeking friction against Paul's hard-on, moaning into his mouth. His lips left mine after a moment, moving to my neck instead, teeth grazing the flesh beneath my ear and making me shudder as he slid a hand between us and began to unfasten my pants.

"This fucking week has been torture," he growled. "Watching you fucking yourself with your fingers, coming all over yourself. I need to fuck you...right now."

"Please..." I moaned, taking my hands off of him to help shove my pants and underwear down my thighs. Paul took a small step back and pushed the jog pants down, revealing his usual lack of underwear, his cock straining upwards, quivering in anticipation. Grabbing his bag from the floor by his feet, he dug out lube and a condom. We were standing close to the couch and I turned away from him, leaning on the back of it with my legs as far apart as the pants around my knees would allow.

"Fuck..." Paul muttered. I heard the click of the cap on the lube and counted off the seconds until cool, slick fingers stroked between my legs, feeling for my hole and pushing firmly inside. I shuddered as two fingers curled upwards, thrusting deep as he began preparing me. His cock rubbed against my butt, the tip leaking and smearing pre-cum onto my skin, his breath coming in loud pants as he reached around me with his free hand and gave my aching erection a few firm pumps. If only my test results had come back already, I thought. I wanted to feel him so badly, but it was going to be at least another week, maybe two before we could do that.

I moaned as a third finger pushed into me, the hurried intrusion causing an uncomfortable burn and he slowed down, paying more attention to my cock for a moment before he continued stretching me.

"You ready?" he grunted after another minute or two.

"Yes...fuck me...please," I begged.

The fingers left me and I heard him putting on the condom, slicking himself in lube and then he was pushing into me, an inch at a time until his length was seated fully in me, one hand gripping my cock again and the other resting between my shoulder blades, pushing me down against the back of the couch. He began to move, slowly at first, but then more urgently, both hands leaving me to grip my hips instead for leverage as he began slamming into me. I lowered one hand and wrapped it around my throbbing shaft, barely needing to move it as the force of Paul shoving me forward against the couch with each thrust made my hips buck forwards and my cock pushed through my fist. His balls bounced against me, his cock grazing my prostate repeatedly; it was hard and fast and over almost before it started. I felt myself coming, incapable of holding back even for a few seconds, my ass tightening around him and pulling his own orgasm from him a moment later. He stayed in me for another minute, his hands slipping from my hips and encircling my waist, his upper body lowering until it rested against my back.

"Christ, Jake," he groaned. "I needed that. I'm sorry it was so rushed..."

"I liked rushed. I wanted you so bad," I panted.

He withdrew slowly and I straightened up, knees weak and took a step away from the couch. The evidence of my pleasure was dribbling down the leather surface and I peeled off my t-shirt to clean it up along with my cock and my hands, before pulling my pants back up. Paul disposed of the condom and adjusted his clothing, grinning and using the bottom of his shirt to wipe his damp face. Then he stepped close to me again and wrapped his arms around me.

"I didn't even say hello properly."

"I think your cock did that for you," I grinned. "Hello."

"Hey." His lips brushed over mine. "So, do you have anything to eat? I didn't want to get dinner on the train; it costs the earth and it's shit anyway."

I grinned and pushed him away from me. "I haven't anything prepared, but I can make you something if you want."

"You cook?" Paul raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I cook, what do you think I live on?"

"I don't know, but you live above a cafeteria that you own; I guess I'd just be lazy if it were me."

"I don't do it that often," I admitted. "I make a mean spaghetti sauce though."

"Sounds good; sure you don't mind?"

"No, I'll probably have a little of it too - I had chicken nuggets with Sarah over two hours ago; I'm still a bit hungry."

"I'm gonna take a quick shower," Paul said, planting another warm kiss on the corner of my mouth before heading for the bathroom. Grinning, I went to my new kitchen, which I had only used a handful of times to actually cook properly. I knew I had a jar of sauce in the cupboard, but rather than take the easy option, I began chopping garlic, onions and tomatoes while ground beef browned in a pan. By the time Paul emerged from the shower, annoyingly dressed in only boxer briefs, the sauce was simmering and I had just put the spaghetti into boiling water.

"Damn you," I muttered, turning away from the stove. "I'm not gonna be able to look at anything else all night."

"I hope not."

"I'll take a quick shower too while that finishes cooking."

"No jerking off in there," Paul teased.

"I'm not sure I've got the energy right now," I said, but my cock quickly proved me wrong as I stood under the hot water, briskly scrubbing myself and thinking about Paul fucking me over the back of the couch. By the time I emerged from the bathroom wearing just underwear the same way he was, it was impossible to disguise my excitement, the tip of my erection peeking through the opening in the shorts.

"Holy hell," groaned Paul when he saw me. "I'm having you for dessert."

He did just that, after shovelling a vast quantity of spaghetti down his neck and proclaiming it the best he'd eaten, he finished up on his knees in front of me, my cock in his mouth and his own fucking his fist, painting the couch with cum once again.

The rest of his visit passed much too fast. Although we went to a ballgame Sunday, the rest of the time we spent in the apartment, talking, lounging around together, constantly touching, cuddling, stroking and kissing. Sometimes things progressed further, whether it involved only hands and mouths or full sex, but we seemed incapable of leaving each other alone. Even when we were too spent to so much as twitch, we were in contact with each other, sitting or lying close together or idly stroking the exposed skin of arms or backs or anything we could get to. I couldn't get enough of him and he made it clear that he felt the same. We were in love and I relished every second spent with him until eventually Monday night rushed upon us and it was time for him to leave. For that one day, Leah had taken Sarah to school and told me that Jasper would collect both girls afterwards. Sarah was going to do homework and have supper with Jeannie and Jasper would bring her home later.

I accompanied Paul to the station again and we waited, suddenly having nothing to say, as the train pulled in indicating it was time for us to part. It seemed a hundred times worse than saying goodbye to him the previous week. Now we were closer, more in love, more involved in every way and in addition the following weekend we weren't going to be able to see each other. Paul was taking another trip Thursday through Saturday, but it was to Seattle and by the time he returned to Boston it would be the early hours of Sunday morning. He would be jet-lagged and even though I could have gone to Boston this time, it wasn't practical for just a few hours when he would only want to sleep. Instead, we said goodbye reluctantly for the next eleven days, promising to make good use of Skype in the meantime.

The days passed painfully slowly and I thought more and more about our future. Where would we go from here? Paul told me he felt the same - he never missed telling me he loved me when we talked on the phone or Skyped and I wondered how we were going to work things out. It was still early days, but I was impatient for at least a plan as to how we would move forward, although I didn't broach the subject. It was still so early in our relationship, just weeks really since we began properly.

Thursday my letter finally arrived from the hospital, but I hadn't had chance to look at the mail before I logged onto Skype to talk to Paul that evening. He would be flying out early the next day to Seattle and we hadn't planned on any sexual fun that evening. He appeared fully dressed on my screen, a plate of food in front of him.

"Sorry to be eating, it's been a long day and I only just got around to getting something," he said. "Didn't want to wait any longer to see you though."

"That's ok. I've been busy too," I said. "My letter arrived." I picked up the envelope and held it where he could see it. "I haven't opened it yet."

"You're not worried about it, are you?" he asked. "You've no reason to be."

"No, I know that."

"Go on, then."

"Yeah." I did feel nervous as I tore open the envelope, but as I unfolded the sheet of paper inside, the one word I wanted to see was right there in front of me in large, black capital letters - negative. I turned it around the other way so that Paul could see it.

"See? What were you worried about?" he grinned. "Fuck, I can't believe we have to wait another eight days though." He shoved his plate aside suddenly and leaned forward towards the table his laptop rested on. "I have something to show you too. I was waiting until you got your letter." His face reappeared in front of the camera and then it was replaced with a sheet of paper. I peered at my screen, frowning as the letter came into focus, an almost identical one to mine, dated two days earlier the same way mine was and with a negative result. He had been tested again too. He put the letter down again and gave me another smile. "I know I've only been with you since the last test, but I wanted one I could show you."

"Wow, you didn't have to do that, I trust you," I said. "But thank you."

"No problem. Gonna be the longest fucking eight days in history now."

We hadn't yet decided on whether we would see each other in Boston or New York the next weekend, although I assumed I would go to Boston since Paul had done the travelling the last two times. However, when the next Thursday night finally crawled around and it was the last time we would talk before we saw each other, Paul told me he planned to come to New York again.

"I know I've been the last two times, but I don't know...I like your place better. I'll get there as early as I can tomorrow; I'm not working. Andrew gave me the day off in lieu of being in Seattle over part of the weekend."

"Awesome!" I exclaimed. If I'd gone to Boston, I wouldn't have been able to leave until after four o'clock, but with him travelling, he could leave at lunchtime.

"You want to go to that club again?" he suggested. "Much as I'm gonna want to fuck you the minute I get there, I want to at least make an effort at having some foreplay first. I don't want to rush it this time."

"Me neither," I agreed. The next time we fucked - made love - would be special; a first time for me and for him, something he hadn't done since he was in college. "In case you get here early, I'll leave a key to the apartment in my desk drawer," I told him. "I meant to give you one, actually."

We chatted a while longer, but there was no play that night. Instead we waited in anticipation to see each other the next evening. Later I slept fitfully, kept awake by my excitement over Paul's visit and a persistent and unrelieved erection, which in the end I was forced to take care of in my morning shower, rather than suffer through my day with a stubborn hard-on. I constantly glanced at the clock while I worked and at noon Paul sent me a text to tell me he was on his way to the station to catch a train. I had already arranged with Edward that I would be finishing work early that day, but for once he and Emmett didn't have plans for the evening. The pair were quite happy to stay at work and intended to have takeout delivered, for Collin as well as themselves.

By the time I had left Sarah, I had received another message from Paul to say that he was in my apartment and I hurried home as fast as the subway would allow, my heart racing. I had to remind myself that we were going to the Stonewall Inn first, as tempted as I was to simply beg Paul to take me to bed right away. I raced up the stairs and let myself in, finding him sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking one of my beers. He put the bottle down quickly and got to his feet, enveloping me in a hug as I rushed to him.

"God, it's been too long," I groaned and smothered any reply he might have made with a heated kiss. We clung to each other, lips crushed together, tongues toying with each other until the need to breathe finally forced us apart.

"Maybe we should just stay in," Paul said with a smirk.

"I would love to. But we were going to make an effort to not fall on each other like animals and actually have some foreplay," I reminded him.

"Plenty of time for that second time around."

"It'll be fun waiting and building up the excitement."

"Spoilsport," he grimaced. "Mine doesn't need building up; I'm dying to fuck your tight ass again and actually shoot my load in you."

"Jesus."

He chuckled evilly. "Is it working? Still wanna go out, or would you rather feel my cock in you right now? Feel me come?"

"Stop it. Two can play at that game, you know."

"Yeah and you can be a fucking tease, Jacob." Another grimace and then he smiled. "I want dinner anyway. Are we eating out?"

"I thought we'd try Thai," I smirked. "You know that restaurant you love so much with the soup and noodles and little things in batter than burn your mouth to hell?"

"You are joking."

"Of course I'm joking, I know you hate that shit. Mexican?"

"Better."

"You need to get changed or anything?"

"No, I did that already. Or do you just want to see me get naked?"

"Yeah, I do, but I won't be able to keep my hands off. I just need a quick change; I showered earlier." I went into my bedroom and left the door open, grinning to myself as I heard him groan in response to my rapid removal of clothes, replacing my faded jeans and t-shirt with black jeans and a white shirt. I shoved my feet into my shoes, picked up wallet, phone and keys and we set off, deciding to walk to a Mexican restaurant a few blocks away and then take the subway to the Stonewall Inn later.

We ate fajitas and drank beer, spending a couple hours in the restaurant and then moving to the bar until it was late enough to make our way to the club. I felt a pleasant buzz from the beer and reminded myself not to drink too much more and risk spoiling the evening. I doubted alcohol would affect my erection, but it would certainly affect my memory and I wanted to remember every second. Paul bought us more beer when we first arrived in the club, but when I returned to the bar some time later for refills, he clearly had the same idea I did.

"We better slow down or we're gonna wreck things for later."

"Soda?" I suggested.

"Yeah."

I bought two sodas and we made them last a while longer before we moved to the dancefloor, gyrating in each other's arms, the pumping music and the feel of each other's heated bodies serving to arouse us almost immediately. I had one arm slung around Paul's neck, the other hand inside his shirt tweaking at his nipple ring, making him growl into my ear, biting the lobe as he ground himself against me, his hard cock straining against his zipper and rubbing against my thigh. I was equally hard, thankful for the loose-fitting jeans I had chosen, giving me at least a little room. I was leaking into my shorts, my erection desperate to feel his hand or his mouth. His arms were resting around my waist, although one eventually slid lower to my butt, his fingers occasionally dipping between my legs, stroking and pressing against me until I became so frantic for release I had to push his hand off and step away.

"I'm gonna come in my pants if you keep that up," I said.

"Is there somewhere here we can go? Might be a good idea to relieve a bit of pressure. I want it to last when we get home."

"I don't know. Maybe we could try the bathrooms," I suggested.

Paul grasped my hand and had tugged me off the dancefloor before I could say anything else. We checked out the bathrooms and found all of the stalls locked, various degrees of sexual sounds coming from behind each door.

"Fuck," Paul muttered, backing out of the door again and pulling me with him. We turned to go back to the main part of the club, but then I spotted a door marked 'supplies' and tried the handle. It opened and the dim light shining from behind me revealed shelving stacked with handwash, toilet paper and other items. The space was small, but it was sufficient for us to make use of. Paul stepped in after me and pulled the door almost closed, leaving a gap so that we could see well enough when our eyes adjusted. Then he was on his knees in front of me, guiding my cock into his mouth while I clutched at a shelf with one hand and his head with the other. bucking my hips as he encouraged me to fuck his mouth.

"Christ, Paul, I'm almost there," I groaned in just a few short minutes.

"Mmph," came the muffled response and his mouth sucked at me harder, drawing me deep into his throat, one hand kneading my ass and the other caressing my balls until I came, a deep groan of relief filling the small room. Paul released me slowly and tucked me back into my pants, then rose to his feet, catching my hand and wrapping it around his own erection which he had already freed from his jeans. "I wasn't intending to do this, but I'll come in about five seconds when I'm in you otherwise," he said with a chuckle.

I returned the favour, kneeling on the floor between the shelving units, sucking and stroking him eagerly until he erupted into my mouth with a loud groan that could easily have been heard by anyone passing the room. Licking my lips, I got to my feet again.

"Feel better?"

"God, yes. At least now I might have a chance at lasting five minutes when we get back."

We stayed in the club for another couple hours, alternating beer and soda and having another dance. The place was packed now, with barely room to move and we decided to head home. I was filled with excitement and Paul's sparkling eyes and permanent grin indicated he felt the same. He draped an arm around my neck as we walked out into the street and began to head for the subway station and I slid an arm around him in return, tucking my hand into the back pocket of his pants. He turned towards me, nibbling at my ear as we walked, blowing warm air into it and teasing with his tongue until I had to push him away or risk travelling home with another erection.

"Fucking fags!"

We both halted and spun around at the insult, letting go of each other as we faced the offender. He was well built and bearded, lip curled into an ugly sneer.

"What the fuck is your problem, asshole?" Paul responded.

"You're my problem."

"Go fuck yourself. You want to hang around outside a gay club, what else do you expect to see?"

"You people are fucking sick," he spat back. "Fucking scourge of humanity, fucking each other up the shit-hole; shame they abolished hanging, there'd be a lot less of it."

"Go to hell," I said. "We're not bothering anyone. Come on, Paul." I put my hand on his arm, but he shook me off and took a step towards the other guy, his fists clenched at his sides. I knew he had a temper, but the last thing I wanted was to see him fight this jerk.

"Barry...Gaz...you there?"

I glanced left and right warily as two other guys stepped out of the shadows and moved to their friend's side.

"Paul..." I said under my breath. "Let's just get out of here."

"And let them get away with it?"

"Oh, the fag wants a fight? This should be interesting." The three took another step forwards and I clenched my own fists. I hated violence, but I could take care of myself if I needed to. I moved to Paul's side reluctantly.

"You up for this?" he murmured.

"Doesn't look like we have much choice."

No one else spoke. One moment we were facing the three of them and the next, one of them had launched himself at me, fists swinging, while the other two went for Paul. I ducked and dodged, responding with jabs to my attacker's ribs whenever I got the chance. He was protecting his face well enough with one hand, but the other was flying at me from all angles, getting in far too many lucky punches for my liking. I knew enough defensive tactics to have gotten myself out of it if I hadn't consumed so many beers, but my reflexes were disappointingly slow and when a heavy fist connected with my stomach, the beer immediately made a reappearance. I stumbled away, bending over and vomiting violently, then glanced up and noticed Paul still fighting with the other two guys a few yards away. He seemed to be holding his own with some impressive martial arts moves. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and straightened up, grimacing and preparing for another attack, but I never saw it coming. He was behind me and suddenly my legs were swept out from under me. I flew backwards and hit the ground hard, my head cracking against the kerb, seeing stars and groaning as pain flashed through my skull. I heard Paul yelling my name, his voice coming from a distance and then fading away until there was nothing; only blackness.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer:- In this chapter Sarah is heard reading an excerpt from "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket; I didn't write this part myself.**

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I could hear muffled voices in the distance, the words not quite distinguishable as if I were under water, the sounds distorted. I struggled to open my eyes, to say something, but my body seemed incapable of movement. Everything was black and oppressive, making me feel trapped and helpless, unable to call for assistance, raise a hand, let anyone know I was in trouble. The only thing I was aware of clearly was a beeping sound, slow and regular, but irritating in its persistence. I wanted to ask someone to stop it, but I couldn't; I couldn't do anything. Then it began to speed up, stuttering and racing until it became one long, shrill sound.

Suddenly I could see myself, as if I were looking through the eyes of someone else. I was lying on an operating table in a bright, white room, surrounded by surgeons and nurses in blue gowns and masks. A breathing tube was in my mouth, taped in place, various other tubes and wires attached, the top half of my head covered by a blue sheet.

"Stand clear!" a deep voice instructed and the people around the table backed away, except for one who held two large paddles in his hands. I watched in horror from the corner of the room as the body on the table - my body - jerked with the electrical pulse and then the beeping sound resumed, fast and erratic, but no longer unbroken. In an instant I was out of the room and encased in blackness again, aware of nothing except muffled sounds and then again, silence.

Some time later, I woke from the silence, or at least I became aware of sound again. I still couldn't open my eyes, or speak, or move, but I could hear again. Mostly it was just voices; one in particular going on and on as if talking to itself. I struggled to focus and recognised a young girl's voice, reading something.

_"Sure enough, in the distance along the misty shore of Briny Beach there could be seen a tall figure striding toward the Baudelaire children. Sunny had already been staring and shrieking at the figure for some time when Klaus looked up from the spiny crab he was examining, and saw it too. He reached over and touched Violet's arm, bringing her out of her inventing thoughts._

_"Look at that," Klaus said, and pointed toward the figure. It was drawing closer, and the children could see a few details. It was about the size of an adult, except its head was tall, and rather square._

_"What do you think it is?" Violet asked._

_"I don't know," Klaus said, squinting at it, "but it seems to be moving right toward us."_

_"We're alone on the beach," Violet said, a little nervously. "There's nobody else it could be moving toward." She felt the slender, smooth stone in her left hand, which she had been about to try to skip as far as she could. She had a sudden thought to throw it at the figure, because it seemed so frightening._

_"It only seems scary," Klaus said, as if reading his sister's thoughts, "because of all the mist."_

"Mom, are you sure he likes this story? Maybe I should read something else..."

"It's fine, sweetheart, the story doesn't matter. Just let him hear your voice."

"Can he hear me, though?"

"The doctor said people in comas are often aware of the voices of their loved ones; it can help them come back to us. Just finish that chapter, baby, ok? I'm going to fetch some coffee, I'll only be a minute."

The story continued and I listened determinedly, holding onto the voice reading it. Sarah - my daughter, Sarah was with me, but I wasn't able to let her know I could hear her. It was almost like I was asleep, but still aware of what was going on around me. One word repeatedly interrupted the story until it was at the forefront of my mind, even making Sarah's voice fade into the background - coma.

I didn't know how much time had passed. Sometimes I was aware of Sarah or Leah's voices, sometimes there were others that I vaguely recognised but couldn't place and other times, there was nothing, only blackness and silence. I felt trapped, unable to let anyone know I was still there and when I could hear the most clearly, I became aware of the sounds of despair - crying, begging, even cursing in Leah's case.

"Where the hell are you, Jacob? Sarah needs you; we all need you. You know you deserve a kick in the balls for getting into this, you stupid..." She broke off and I heard her weeping.

I was desperate to let them know I hadn't gone anywhere; I couldn't understand why I couldn't open my eyes or move something; make some sign that I was ok. The more time that went by, the more aware of things I became, but still I was unable to communicate.

"How is he?"

It was a different voice from the ones I'd grown used to; familiar and yet one I hadn't heard in a while.

"I don't know, Billy, the doc says he should have woken up by now," Leah said.

"You should have called me sooner."

"And when was the last time you called? You haven't spoken to Jacob in a year. You shouldn't have turned your back on your son just because you and I had a difference of opinion!"

"I'm sorry..."

My Dad; why couldn't I remember the last time I saw him? Wasn't he a part of our lives any more?

I drifted away. I didn't want to hear them arguing, but I was still aware of it dimly in the distance before it faded away and left me in peace.

"Hey, buddy. Still out of it? That guy really did a number on you." It was my manager's voice. I could imagine Edward sitting close by, tugging a hand through his crazy hair, blushing and making Sarah laugh. "I can't believe this happened to you and Paul..."

_Paul!_ Where was he? I realised suddenly that I hadn't heard his voice in a long time. Was he like me? Hurt, in a...coma? Dead? _Fuck!_

The irritating perpetual bleep that I had somehow managed to tune out, came back with full force, speeding up and then I was gagging, unable to breathe, fighting against the thing in my throat which was choking me.

"Alright, move away from the bed, please. Doctor Richards! Some help here...now, Jacob, try to relax, this'll be over in just a minute, try to stay calm..."

I was anything but calm; my throat was killing me and I felt as if I were trying to vomit, but was incapable of it. I coughed and heaved, eyes watering, panicking and grunting, trying to suck in air which only made me cough harder.

"Oh, God, Edward, what's happening? Is he waking up?" Leah's voice cried.

"He just started choking when I was talking to him."

Finally the obstruction was gone from my throat and I could breathe although I continued to gasp and splutter, clenching my fists at my sides until one of them was pried open and I felt a slender, but firm hand gripping mine.

"You're ok, Jake, relax," Edward's voice said.

I forced my eyelids up slowly, wanting to see. They felt glued together, but at last a narrow slit of the room became visible and then more until I was looking back at Edward's anxious face, his teeth gnawing at his lip, Leah behind him biting her nails.

"Thank God," she said tearfully.

"Where's...?" I heard the word in my head, but it didn't come out of my mouth that way; the only sound was a croak.

"Nurse, please get some ice chips," the doctor requested. Then he was looking at my eyes, checking various things on the damned incessant beeping monitor next to me. Edward was still holding my hand and I clung to it determinedly as if holding onto him would stop me slipping away again.

"I should go; let you and Sarah sit with him," Edward said, but I dug my nails into his hand, doing my best to shake my head, but it sent a searing pain through my skull and I squeezed my eyes shut, uttering a moan of agony through dry lips.

"It's alright, Edward, just stay a bit longer," Leah said softly. "I'll go tell Sarah and Billy."

Soon I felt cold wetness on my lips and I opened my eyes slowly again and parted my lips to accept the ice chip the nurse was running along them. The ice melted on my tongue and dribbled down my throat, feeling like a tiny droplet of heaven. I tried again.

"Where's...Paul?" My voice still didn't sound like my own, but at least it was coherent.

"He's fine, Jake, don't worry about him," Edward answered at once. "Couple of cracked ribs and skinned knuckles; that was the worst of it. Can you remember what happened?"

"Three guys...outside the...Stonewall..." I closed my eyes again as I tried to remember everything.

_"Fucking fags!"_

_"What the fuck is your problem, asshole?" Paul had responded._

_"You're my problem."_

_"Go fuck yourself. You want to hang around outside a gay club, what else do you expect to see?"_

_"You people are fucking sick," the guy spat back. "Fucking scourge of humanity, fucking each other up the shit-hole; shame they abolished hanging, there'd be a lot less of it."_

"I hit my head," I remembered. "On the ground."

"Yeah, almost brained yourself," Edward told me. He picked up another ice chip in his free hand and popped it into my mouth. I sucked on it and swallowed gratefully before I tried to speak again.

"I was in a coma?"

"Yes, just over two weeks now. You had a pretty nasty head injury. They had to operate to remove a...um...a clot. You don't have any other injuries except bruising."

"Where's Paul?" I asked again. "Is he here?"

"Uh...no, he's...he had things to do." Edward's eyes dropped away from mine and he released my hand, leaning back in his chair.

"What things? He's been here, though, right?"

"Jake...right after this happened he was..."

"Edward, could you let Sarah sit with her Dad for a while, now?" Leah interrupted and Sarah rushed to my side, grabbing for my hand. I noticed she looked tired, her face pale and drawn, eyes huge, her black hair loose and rumpled.

"Daddy, are you alright?"

"I'm ok, sweetheart." What Edward had been about to tell me slipped from my mind and instead I concentrated on my daughter. Edward stepped out of the room and left me with Sarah and Leah, but it wasn't long before I again thought of Paul. I longed to ask for him, but I couldn't with Sarah in the room. Instead, I asked about the unfamiliar, but familiar voice I had heard.

"Leah, is my Dad here?"

"Well, he's at the apartment right now, but yes, he's been here."

"You called him?"

"Yes, the day after you were brought in. They didn't know if you'd..." She glanced at Sarah. "...you know."

"I'm surprised he came." I hadn't seen Dad in a year. He'd had some stupid fight with Leah, criticising her leniency with Sarah over something that I couldn't even recall now. Leah had exploded, the way she often did when questioned about something she thought was right and I had sided with my wife. Of course I had; it wouldn't have mattered if I'd agreed with her or not, although I had on that occasion. Dad had taken umbrage and told us we wouldn't see him again unless Leah apologised, which was never going to happen although for a while she considered it for my sake. Then Dad had decided to move across the country to Forks, Washington, where his parents had been born and I hadn't seen him or spoken to him since.

"He wants to make amends," Leah said. "He's not been well himself; he regrets what happened."

"Does he know about us?" I asked.

"Yes."

"How's the...?" I meant to ask how the gym was doing, but suddenly I found myself unable to form the rest of the sentence and my eyelids drooped. "I...how's...?" I mumbled.

"Nurse?" Leah's voice said anxiously.

"It's alright, Mrs Black, he just needs to sleep. Don't worry, his vitals are all good now. He'll be on half-hourly obs, but he's going to need a good few hours. Perhaps you'd like to go home and get some rest yourself?"

"Yes, I might do that. Will you call..?"

I didn't hear any more. I was gone.

The next time I opened my eyes, Dad was sitting beside the bed watching me. I blinked, trying to focus properly and licked dry lips.

"Jacob!"

A moment later a nurse was in the room, carefully raising the top part of my bed to prop me up so that I could drink from a cup with a straw in it. I tried to lift my hand to hold it, but felt ridiculously weak and the nurse held it while I drank. Dad didn't speak again until she left the room.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice still raspy with lack of use and my throat sore, no doubt from the tube that had been down it until a few hours before.

"Leah called me. She said she told you."

"It's been a long time."

"Yes." He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry for that, son. I shouldn't have let a stupid argument with Leah cause such a problem for us."

"Leah knows what she's doing with Sarah," I said firmly. "Always has; she's an amazing mother."

"I know that. What I don't understand is why you're not together any more."

"She didn't tell you then."

"No. She obviously still cares a lot for you though."

"We care for each other, but we want different things."

"Like what?"

"Dad...you wouldn't understand, ok? Don't ask me. We know what we're doing."

He muttered something under his breath and changed the subject. "The police want to talk to you, when you're up to it; about what happened the night you got hurt."

"Fine, I can do that."

"How did you get into a fight, is what I want to know? You always avoided violence..."

"Well, sometimes you can't avoid it. We got attacked.."

"We? Leah didn't mention someone else was with you."

"I was with a friend. Three guys jumped us. I was knocked down and I hit my head on the kerb; that's all I can remember." I drew my brows together and frowned as I remembered the scene as if it had just happened. Paul had been doing ok and Edward told me he wasn't badly hurt, so where was he? I hadn't heard his voice once amongst the jumble of others while I'd been out of it and Edward hadn't seemed to want to tell me much. I let my eyes close again, grimacing against the bright light of the room and I heard Dad get up from his chair.

"Maybe you shouldn't be talking so much. I'll get the nurse again."

I lay alone for a few minutes until the nurse returned, checking me over, asking how I was feeling.

"I'm alright. I want to know what happened to my friend; Paul Lahote," I told her. "He might have been brought in with me, I'm not sure."

"I'm sorry, I don't know," she answered. "I wasn't on duty that night. I'm sure one of the other nurses will be able to tell you, or perhaps one of your family or friends."

It was several more hours before I was able to find out anything about Paul. Two police officers came to see me to request a statement, going over the evening in minute detail. Some of my memory was a little sketchy, I realised, but I was able to tell them Paul and I had been in the Stonewall Inn and when we left, we had been attacked, beginning with one guy taunting us before two others stepped out and began fighting us.

"Are you saying these guys attacked you?" I was asked.

"Yes. The first one called out some insults..."

"And did you respond?"

"We both told them to go to hell. Then the guy called for his two friends who were standing out of sight up to then. One of them rushed at me and after that I was defending myself, but I knew the other two went for Paul."

"You're sure this is how it happened?"

"Certain. Why? Are these guys saying something different?"

"Their story does differ from yours somewhat. One of them was brought into the hospital here the same night, with a broken nose, four broken ribs, one of which punctured a lung, numerous bruises and lacerations...he and his friends are saying that they merely teased you and your friend as you walked by and that you and Paul were the ones to start the fight. Due to the severity of the man's injuries, I have to wonder exactly how much of that would have been sustained with defensive moves."

My heart was pounding wildly again by then, the monitor mirroring its beat with rapid and uneven beeps. My palms sweated and I felt weak and helpless. Why hadn't Paul come to see me?

"Officers..." The senior nurse who appeared in the doorway at that moment made me heave a sigh of relief. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Mr Black's condition isn't yet completely stable; you are aware he's had major surgery following a head trauma."

"We still need to ask some more questions."

"Well, I'm sorry, it'll have to wait. Now, please, leave the room."

I closed my eyes again as they left, trembling slightly. Where the hell was Paul? Surely he would want to see me? I couldn't imagine he would stay away just to keep out of Leah and Sarah and Dad's way if he cared about me as much as he said he did. I didn't want to ask Leah; most of the time she had Sarah with her anyway.

"Nurse...is Edward Cullen still here?" I asked.

"I'll find out. You just relax for a few minutes."

"Thanks."

Ten minutes later, Edward appeared. "Are you ok? The nurse said you asked for me."

"I want to talk to you, Edward; close the door."

He did so and came to sit beside the bed. "They said the cops came to question you."

"Yeah, I need to know exactly what happened to Paul. Apparently the guys who attacked us are claiming it's our fault."

"I don't know the details," Edward said. "I do know Paul was arrested, though. He was brought here with you that night and after they treated him, the cops took him away."

"Is he locked up?" I gasped.

"No, he's out on bail."

"Who posted bail?"

"I did. I used some of the gym money. I'm sorry, Jake, I didn't know what else to do."

"Never mind that, I would have done the same thing. So where is he? I thought he would have come to see me."

"He did once." Edward sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. "He was pretty upset; he blames himself for the whole thing."

"It wasn't his fault; those guys were hanging around like they were waiting for someone to leave the Stonewall."

"Paul said you wanted to walk away and he wouldn't back down. He thinks you would have been fine if he hadn't let his temper get the better of him."

"Then I need to talk to him," I said at once. "Where is he?"

"He went back to Boston. His bail allowed him to go home, but he has to stay there until..."

"Fuck," I muttered, struggling to sit up. "Where's my phone? I need to call him. This is just...stupid..."

"Jake, shit, calm down." Edward's hands were on my shoulders, pressing me back against the pillows. "You're gonna make yourself worse; you look terrible..."

"How do you expect me to look, Edward? I need to see Paul!" I exclaimed, just as the door opened and Leah and Sarah walked in.

"Who's Paul, Daddy?"

I groaned and let my eyes close again as Edward adjusted the pillow behind my head.

"He's alright," he told Leah. "Just upset."

"Damnit," she muttered. "Edward, get Paul here, will you? If you have to go to Boston and drag the asshole back here..."

"Mommy! You swore!" Sarah cried.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm a little upset. Edward, don't just stand there, get going."

"Yes, sorry, Leah, I'm onto it." Red-faced, Edward almost bolted out of the room and despite my fear and misery, I couldn't help a small smile.

"Let's sit down." Leah took the seat Edward had vacated and drew Sarah down into the spare one beside her. "So, you want to know who Paul is..."

"Leah?" My eyes widened.

"It's alright, she might as well know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. If you're sure."

I nodded.

"Sarah, Paul is a friend of your Dad's, that he met through work."

"Ok..."

"You remember when Dad and I separated and we said we didn't love each other the same way any more?"

Shit, Leah really was going to tell her and suddenly I was more afraid than when Edward told me Paul had been arrested and had then abandoned me and gone back to Boston. How would my daughter react to this news? Would she condemn me the same way those men who attacked us had done? I doubted she would understand completely, but the fact that I was in love with someone else other than Leah might upset her.

"Yes." Sarah looked puzzled as she waited for Leah to continue.

"Well, just because Dad and I aren't together any more, doesn't mean we'll always be on our own. Eventually, I'll most likely meet somebody else to share my life with and Dad will too."

Sarah chewed her lip, her big eyes watching Leah's face.

"How would you feel if each of us had someone else to care for? We would still be good friends the way we are now and we'd still always love you and put you first."

"I guess...it makes sense...or you'd be lonely, right?" Sarah said.

"Yeah, we would. Especially when you're not around; like when you get older and go away to college and start your own life."

Sarah just nodded.

"The reason I'm telling you this now is that Dad met somebody he wants to be with..."

"Who?" My daughter's eyes switched to my face, her eyes even wider if that were possible.

"My friend, Paul, that Mom just mentioned."

"Isn't Paul a man?"

"Yes, he's a man," Leah said. "Men and women don't always only love each other, Sarah. Sometimes a man might love another man and a woman might..."

"Oh, you mean like Clarice's family?" she interrupted suddenly. "She has two dads."

"Yes, like that." Leah glanced at me. "Clarice is a new girl at Sarah's school. Her mother died and she's under the guardianship of her uncle and his male partner."

My racing heart steadied a little as I looked back at Sarah, surprised that so far she didn't seem upset.

"How do you feel about this?" I asked her.

"I'm not sure. Is Paul nice?"

"Yes, he's nice."

"Does he love you?"

"I think so."

"Ok, then. So long as he's nice to you."

I looked up again at Leah and she shrugged and gave me a small smile. Children could be pretty surprising, but Sarah's reaction truly amazed me. I had imagined her being shocked or upset or disappointed - more in the fact that I had someone else perhaps, than the fact that it was a guy, but her only concern seemed to be that I was happy. I unclenched my fists and relaxed a little.

"So, where is Paul anyway?" Sarah continued. "Shouldn't he be here like us?"

"Edward's gone to get him," Leah told her. "He got hurt as well at the same time as Dad."

"Thanks, Leah," I said softy. She pursed up her lips slightly and then just nodded.

"We'll leave you to it for a while. Your Dad's still outside; he wants to see you again before we head home."

It was the following day before I saw Paul. Leah had found my phone and brought the power cable for me, but after checking I found no messages or texts from Paul and I considered calling him, until I heard from Edward instead, telling me that Paul was on his way back to New York and should be at the hospital by lunch time. I didn't ask what had happened when Edward spoke to him; I would ask Paul himself when he was in front of me.

Despite my anxiety over everything, I was still weak and sleepy from the pain relief I was being given for my head and I slept for most of the morning. I only woke when I was disturbed by someone taking my hand and gripping it tightly. Blinking, I looked at Paul's bent head, both of his hands gripping mine, his forehead almost touching his knuckles as tears tracked down his face, dripping onto the bed.

"I'm so sorry," he was whispering. "I'm so sorry, Jake, it was all my fault."


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N - I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who voted for 'Eternally United' at Twifanfictionrecs - it was placed 8th in the top ten favourite fics for August, WOO HOO!**

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

"Paul..."

He jerked his head up quickly and then snatched his hands from mine, scrubbing them over his tear-stained face.

"Sorry...uh...didn't mean to disturb you," he grunted.

"It's ok, I've slept enough. Why are you blaming yourself?"

"Because it's my fault, Jacob," he groaned. "You wanted to walk away and I had to fucking wade in there."

"You weren't to know how it would turn out. Besides, those guys were spoiling for a fight. They probably would have come after us even if we walked away. If not us, it would have been somebody else."

"Well, we'll never know now, will we?" Paul sighed. "And you're..fuck, they said you've been in a coma for two weeks."

"Clearly I'm out of it now." I braced my hands on the edges of the narrow bed and pulled myself up a few inches, noting that I felt stronger than before. I was on a drip and probably had been for the past couple of weeks while they pumped nourishment and drugs into me. "Paul...you're gonna have to stop thinking this is your fault. It could have been a hell of a lot worse."

"How could it have been worse? Leah said you almost died on the table; they had to restart your heart and then it was touch and go for days!"

A memory flashed into my head; something I had forgotten since I woke up and I frowned as I remembered.

_I could see myself, as if I were looking through the eyes of someone else. I was lying on an operating table in a bright, white room, surrounded by surgeons and nurses in blue gowns and masks. A breathing tube was in my mouth, taped in place, various other tubes and wires attached, the top half of my head covered by a blue sheet._

_"Stand clear!" a deep voice instructed and the people around the table backed away, except for one who held two large paddles in his hands. I watched in horror from the corner of the room as the body on the table - my body - jerked with the electrical pulse and then the beeping sound resumed, fast and erratic, but no longer unbroken. In an instant I was out of the room and encased in blackness again, aware of nothing except muffled sounds and then again, silence._

"I was watching myself," I said. "It was like I was standing in the corner of the room watching the surgeons working on me."

"Fuck." Paul dragged a hand through his hair and then rubbed both hands over his face again.

"Look...I got through it, didn't I? You need to stop thinking about the worst that could have happened and deal with what's going on now. Edward said you were arrested for the fight."

"I'll pay you back the bail money," was the first thing he said.

"For fuck's sake, Paul! I don't give a shit about the bail money!" I exclaimed and he dropped his hands into his lap, his face startled. "Do you even want to be here? Edward said you saw me once and went home. Is that just because of guilt, or...?" I didn't finish the sentence. I hoped this was the reason, but how could I know what was going through his head? Two weeks had passed and he'd stayed away while I lay unconscious. I couldn't imagine that if the situations were reversed, I could ever have done that.

"Jeez, Jake, I'm sorry." He reached for my hand again and I sighed with relief as he continued. "That was all it was. I felt like it was my fault; I thought your family and friends would blame me; that maybe you would blame me when...if you woke up. If you died it would have been like before only this time I'd have been responsible for it and I wouldn't even have been able to..." He choked on the words and finished in a whisper. "...say goodbye."

"Paul," I groaned. "I'm going nowhere, and my family isn't Riley's. It was Leah who told Edward to get you back here and we told Sarah about you too - Leah's idea. They just want me to be happy, they don't care about anything else."

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "You must think I'm pretty useless right now. I should have been here, I just..."

"It doesn't matter. You're here now. So wipe your face and give me a kiss already!"

He grinned suddenly, grabbed some tissues from a box on the table next to my bed and wiped his face, then pulled the chair closer to the bed. "You sure I won't disturb anything?"

"Well, the heart monitor might speed up a bit," I teased. "C'm'ere!"

He leaned towards me and I closed my eyes, my pulse predictably and loudly quickening as his lips brushed gently over mine, drew away and then returned, caressing for a long moment. When he straightened up his eyes were sparkling and my monitor was beeping frantically. The door flew open and one of the nurses appeared.

"Jacob, are you feeling ok?"

"Better than I have in two weeks," I smirked. "Sorry about that."

Reddening slightly, she withdrew and closed the door.

"So, are you gonna tell me what's going on with the cops?" I asked then. "They came to see me, but I wasn't up to giving them a full statement at the time."

"Uh...well...the two guys I was fighting with weren't giving me too much trouble. One of them cracked a couple of ribs, but I barely noticed. Right about then you went down and all three of them backed up like they were ready to make a run for it. My two started to move away and I...I went after the one who hurt you. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing really, I just...I went crazy. He hurt you and I...for a minute or two I didn't want him to get back up again. Then I came back to my senses and realised you were lying there unconscious and I wasn't even with you." He grimaced at this and paused. "A few people were standing around watching by then and one of them must have already called 911 because I could hear sirens. I was holding your hand and thinking...I should have been doing something else, but I didn't know what. There was a lot of fucking blood, Jake..." He shuddered violently. "They brought us both into the hospital in one ambulance and another team picked up the guy I beat on. I was treated and then the cops took me away. The other guys' stories say that we started it. They're all saying the same thing and at the moment I'm looking at an assault charge."

"If there were people standing around when the paramedics came, then maybe there were other witnesses," I reasoned.

"Well, if there are, they're not coming forward so far. It's been on the news. Your name wasn't mentioned initially because at the time they didn't know if you'd...wake up and I guess they wanted to be sure members of your family weren't going to find out from the newspaper. The latest includes your name and mentions the gym though."

"Hell," I groaned, although me being in the press was the least of my worries. "Do you have a lawyer?"

"Yeah; not sure how good he is though. I'm not short of money, but I didn't want to use up what I got using the best lawyer."

"What do you mean, 'use up what you got'?" I frowned.

Paul sighed heavily and dropped his eyes away from mine. "I got fired. Andrew's a decent guy, but he doesn't want someone with a criminal record for violence working for him."

"You don't even have a record yet!" I protested.

"No, but since I've been in the press, he worried about it affecting business. He was nice about it and all, but..." He shrugged now. "I can understand why he did it."

"Shit. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm not sure. Wait for this to blow over, one way or another, and see what happens. You know what was worst? Having to give the fucking car back." He grinned wrily.

"I'm sorry, Paul." It immediately occurred to me that I could ask him to move to New York to be with me and my head was flooded with thoughts of us living together, working together; I could find a position for him in my gym easily enough. I didn't voice my thoughts on that part yet though; it wasn't a decision that could be taken lightly. "You know, you could always stay at my place, if you want," I said instead.

"You mean while you're in here?" His face brightened.

"I meant..." I took a deep breath. "It seems like it's too soon, but I don't know; we already went through a hell of a lot. I meant, maybe you'd like to...move in."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious." I felt my face redden and the beeping on the monitor beside me sped up again. "You can say no. I'm not trying to be pushy or anything, but I have been thinking about it."

"So have I," he said at once with a smile. "I didn't say anything; I thought it was too soon also, and I thought it would be difficult for you because of Sarah. I knew it'd be a case of me leaving Boston if we did; you have more here than I have there. In fact, I have nothing there any more, except my apartment."

"Are you tied into a contract?" I asked.

"Yeah, but only for about another two months; it's due for a review."

"So you want to, then? Move in?" I held my breath while I waited for a response.

"Yeah, I want to." His hand squeezed mine tighter. "Thank you for asking." He leaned down again and his lips touched mine briefly. "I love you."

"I love you too. I can't wait to get out of this damned place," I said. "We never got to finish our special night."

"I'm sure your doc will have a list of things you can't do when they let you out," Paul teased. "No driving..."

"I don't have a car."

"No heavy lifting, no working out..."

"Edward and Collin can handle the gym."

"No sex..."

"We'll see about that. I don't know how long I can wait for you to..." I stopped abruptly as the door opened and Leah stuck her head around it. Paul dropped my hand as if it had burned him and sat back in his seat.

"You ok?" she asked. "I noticed the nurse rushing in a few minutes ago."

"I'm fine, don't worry," I said.

"Thought I better warn you; your Dad's on his way here." She glanced at Paul and then back at me. "Are you planning on telling him?"

"I guess I..." I paused, imagining what Dad's reaction would be to me telling him I was gay and that I planned to have Paul move in with me. He had condemned me when I was a kid and he would probably condemn me now, but it was Paul and Sarah who were the most important people in my life and if Dad wouldn't accept it, then it was too bad. "Yes," I finished.

"Ok. I'm going to take Sarah home for a while; if there's bad feeling it's best she's out of the way."

"Shouldn't she be at school?" I asked. "What day is it?"

"It's Monday, but it's the holidays, Jacob."

"Right; I guess I lost track of time."

"You lost two weeks," Paul reminded me.

"See you later." Leah backed out of the room and closed the door.

"You sure you want to tell your Dad about us now?" asked Paul. "I remember what you said he was like when you were a kid."

"Well, he's going to have to get over it or walk away, it's his choice," I said firmly. "He ignored me for the past year because of a disagreement with Leah; if he does it again, it can only be his loss. Of course I care about him, but I'm not letting anything come between us. I was more concerned about what Sarah would say, but she was amazing. She basically said it's ok as long as you're nice to me. Some friend of hers has 'two dads' so I think that made it easier for her to understand."

"Kids can be amazing," Paul smiled. "So I've heard."

Paul stayed with me a little longer and then said he would take his bag to my apartment and get a shower and a change of clothes while I talked to my Dad. However, before Dad came in, one of the police officers who had spoken to me previously arrived with another colleague, asking to continue with their questioning and have me give a full statement. I described everything in as much detail as I could while one of them recorded me and made notes and when I was done, I asked whether any witnesses had come forward. So far no one had spoken up and they didn't know who had called 911; the caller hadn't given a name and the crowd watching us being taken away to hospital had quickly dispersed when the police began asking if anyone had seen anything.

My heart sank. I had hoped that they might have found one person who would speak up on our behalf, but perhaps no one had actually seen the beginning of the fight after all. I was exhausted and my head aching by the time they left and I wasn't really up to talking to Dad when he came in minutes later.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"My head hurts."

"Do you want me to come back later?"

"No, Dad, sit down. I want to talk to you about something."

He sat, hands folded in his lap. "So, what is it?" he prompted when I stayed silent.

I knew exactly what his reaction would be before I opened my mouth. His opinion wouldn't have changed in thirteen years or however long it had been. He would condemn me the same way he had then, for my 'unnatural feelings'.

"You won't like this, but it has to be said," I began.

"I thought we'd moved past what happened," he interrupted. "I apologised to Leah and to you; she's willing to move forward..."

"It's not about that, Dad."

"Oh..."

"Remember when I was a kid? About fifteen, I think. You found a magazine in my room..."

Dad's brows drew together in a frown as he tried to remember and then his eyes widened. "What about it?"

"You condemned me then, when I was a kid desperate not to disappoint you. You made me feel like a freak at the time, but..."

"Why are you bringing this up again now?" he asked warily. "I thought we'd forgotten about that."

"You might have. That was who I was and still am. Yes, I loved Leah and we had a lot of happy years together, but underneath, I was still the same person as I was then; I just did the best I could not to give in to it."

"What the hell are you saying?" Dad interrupted again, his voice rough.

"I'm saying I'm gay, Dad. Leah and I broke up because I can't live a lie any more. It wasn't fair on her or me."

"This is bullshit," he mumbled. "You don't know what you're saying. That head injury..."

"It's nothing to do with the head injury. I've been seeing a guy for a while now. That's why we were attacked. We came out of a club together and some _homophobic jerks_ attacked us."

"Stop right there." Dad rose to his feet swiftly. "I'm not listening to this nonsense."

"I pretty much expected you to say something like that; either that you wouldn't listen or that I was some kind of pervert. I can't stop you walking away, but you're gonna have to accept that it's who I am. Paul is moving in with me; it's not a temporary thing. I..."

"Enough!" Dad almost knocked his chair over in his efforts to get away from the side of the bed and stride to the door, where he paused and looked back at me, his face purple, eyes avoiding mine. "I just hope if you insist on carrying on with this...this..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "Well, you better make sure Sarah doesn't become exposed to it!"

"Sarah already knows and believe me, she had a hell of a lot more understanding and mature reaction than you have!" I exclaimed. "You know what? Walk away. I expected you to anyway, but I won't live a lie any more. Sarah just wants me to be happy; Leah does too, regardless of how she might feel about us breaking up, so perhaps you need to think about what's important to you, Dad. You could bully me into being something I wasn't when I was fifteen, but not any more."

He swung around, opened the door and rushed through it without another word and I slumped back against the pillows with a sigh, my heart monitor skipping rapidly again. I breathed deep and closed my eyes, trying not to feel upset over Dad's reaction. It was only what I had expected, but it still hurt that he wouldn't even try to understand for my sake, or even his granddaughter's. If he turned his back on me and returned to Washington, he wouldn't be able to see her either.

"Hey."

I opened my eyes again to find Leah in the doorway and a nurse checking the monitor.

"I thought you were taking Sarah home," I said.

"She wanted to get a milkshake in the cafeteria; I left her with one of the nurses," Leah explained. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah. It went as you would expect. He wouldn't listen, thinks 'exposing Sarah to _that'_ is wrong and so on and so forth."

"I'm sorry. I guess he's getting too old and set in his ways to change. Even so, I would have thought that now..." She stopped and glanced at me anxiously.

"What were you going to say, Leah?"

"He hasn't told you, has he?"

"Told me what?" I frowned.

"You know I said he'd been sick? Well, he's not actually better, Jacob." Leah came to sit beside me and rested her hand on my arm. "Your Dad has cancer. I'm sorry, Jake. They think he has about a year, if that."

"Fuck." I squeezed my eyes shut again. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"I don't know, initially he just wanted to fix things with us and then he told me why. He didn't want to pass away with any bad feeling between us. I think he was probably waiting for you to get out of here first."

"Isn't he having treatment?"

"He had an op and a round of chemotherapy and went into remission for a while, but it's back and spreading. There's not much they can do now."

"Wait...if all this has happened, then he must have known before he moved back to Washington," I said.

"Yeah, he did know. He would have told us, he said, but he didn't want us to worry to start with and then there was that fight with me, so he just moved back to Forks and had treatment there. He didn't actually say so, but I get the feeling him keeping his distance so long also had something to do with him not wanting us to find out how sick he was. I don't think he wanted us to feel sorry for him and try to fix the fight just because of that."

"Jesus," I groaned. "And now he's probably going to leave again because of what I just told him."

"I'll talk to him." Leah got to her feet again. "Try not to worry too much."

"Yeah, that'll be easy to do. My Dad hates me and is dying of cancer," I grimaced.

"He doesn't hate you, Jacob, he's just set in his ways. I'll see you later."

She left me alone and I lay there thinking about Dad. How could he not tell us he had cancer? Go through all of that alone just because of a stupid disagreement with us? Even though he hadn't been part of my life for a while, and now he had again turned his back on me because of what I'd told him, the thought of losing him was hard to take. He was only fifty-eight years old and so far as I knew, he didn't really have anyone in Washington to take care of him or spend time with him. It was doubtful he would want to stay in New York to be near us if he couldn't accept me and I cursed to myself as just one more worry joined the others I was already facing. How much more would any of us have to deal with?

It wasn't until the next day that there was good news. Leah had called later that evening to tell me she had talked to Dad and he was being as stubborn and stupid as ever, but hadn't decided to leave yet. Paul came back and spent several hours with me until the nurses eventually threw him out and told him to go home and let me sleep, which I did, like a rock. When I woke again it was bright daylight and Edward was sitting next to me, waiting for me to open my eyes.

"Morning," he grinned. "You were snoring."

"I do not snore."

"Yeah, you do. Ask Paul," he teased.

"What are you doing here, Edward?"

"Don't worry about the gym, Collin and Emmett are in charge," he said at once.

"I wasn't worried; I was wondering what you wanted to talk to me about, since you're here so early."

"I have some good news for you."

"Believe me, Edward, I could so with some right now," I sighed.

"There was a witness to the fight."

"What? Who?" I gasped.

"Guy named Mike Newton. He uses the gym nearly every day..."

"I know him; blond, spiky hair, blue eyes, about eighteen years old?"

"That's him. He's right outside, shall I bring him in?"

"Yes!"

Still grinning, Edward got to his feet and left the room, returning a moment later with a rather anxious looking Mike Newton.

"Hey, Jacob," he said timidly.

"Hey. Sit down. Edward says you saw what happened that night?"

"Yes." He sat and Edward took the other seat. "I'm sorry I didn't speak up before; I was scared."

"Of what?" I frowned.

"I'm...uh...you see, I..." he stammered, flushing vividly. "I'm...gay," he said finally. "I'd been trying to pluck up the courage to actually go to the Stonewall Inn for about six months since I turned eighteen and I was...uh..." He laughed awkwardly now. "I was outside, I'd been pretending to be walking by for maybe an hour and..."

"Trying to actually take that final step and walk through the doors?" I put in.

"Yes, exactly. Then I saw you and...your friend walk out and I...um...well, I was surprised; I didn't know you were...I mean, I thought you were married."

"I was, but we split. I'm gay, Mike," I said.

"Ok. Well, I saw you and I ducked out of sight in case you saw me. Then this guy stepped up in front of you and started insulting you. I could see you wanted to walk away, but then the other two guys appeared and it seemed to me like there was going to be a fight, even if you had walked away. I...um...I saw everything. It was me who called 911, but then I...like a coward, I ran away and went home. I should have stayed and talked to the police, I know that. My parents didn't know, you see, about me."

"Wow," I breathed. "Well, thanks for coming to talk to me. But what now? I don't know if you know this, but Paul, my boyfriend, was arrested. The three guys are saying we attacked them."

"I know, I read it in the paper. I would have come to see you sooner, but like I said, I was scared. I talked to my parents first, just yesterday. They were actually pretty understanding, although maybe not too keen on me...uh...going to a gay club." He grinned suddenly. "So...they said I should do the right thing and talk to the cops, so here I am."

"I'm glad your parents supported you," I said. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now. Paul already lost his job and without a witness, I guess there's a chance he could go to jail. Are you sure you're happy to go ahead with this? If it went as far as court you might have to speak as a witness and your name will probably be in the press."

"I don't care," Mike said at once. "I don't have many friends and my only family is Mom and Dad and they already said they support me. You and your boyfriend shouldn't have to go through this, just because I'm scared of what people will say. You almost died, I heard. I mean, that might even have been me. Those guys can't get away with this. So I spoke to Edward at the gym this morning and we came straight here."

"Thank you, Mike," I said. "I really appreciate this."

"I have to go to work soon, but my Dad's gonna pick me up after and take me to see the police and make a statement," the boy went on.

"Thank you," I repeated. "Look, I know it's not much, but when I get out of here, come see me at the gym. I'll make sure you get a free membership, ok?"

"Oh, you don't need to do that."

"Yeah, I do. You're the only person that's actually given me some hope the last couple of days."

"Well, thanks, I'd really like that," he nodded.

"Thank God," I breathed after he had left the room. "Thanks, Edward."

"Hey, I didn't do anything except bring him here. I better get back to it anyway."

"I need to call Paul and tell him," I said eagerly, grabbing for my phone just as the door opened.

"No need, I'm here. Couldn't you wait?" he grinned.

Edward slipped out and left us alone.

"I have a witness!" I exclaimed. "Someone who's gonna speak up for us and hopefully get you off the hook."


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

By the end of the day I was completely exhausted. Everything had happened all at once and my mind was a muddle, my head aching. The nurses made everyone leave so that I could sleep and I remained that way for twelve hours before I opened my eyes to find Leah and Sarah sitting beside the bed. Leah was studying while Sarah sat quietly reading. I recognised a book I had bought for her and I vaguely remembered hearing her voice for some long time while I'd been unconscious; I wondered if she'd been reading that book.

"What are you reading?" I asked and she jerked her head up quickly, a bright smile on her face.

"You're awake! It's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' by..."

"Lemony Snicket," I finished. "Did you read that to me, Sarah?"

"Yes."

"I could hear."

Leah looked up and smiled. "That's what I told her. How are you feeling?"

"Better." I glanced at the door. "What time is it?"

"Eleven."

"Any news?"

"Edward called to say Mike Newton gave his statement to the cops and he's also spoken to Paul's lawyer. He seems to think it won't get to court, unless you're all testifying against the guys who attacked you. The three of them are still saying the same thing, but what Mike said has changed everything. Plus...another guy came forward."

"Another? What do you mean?"

"Just this morning an older guy in his forties responded to what's been in the press about it. Apparently he was hurt by the man who hurt you, maybe a month ago. Same place, same time of night. He left the Stonewall, was confronted and tried to walk away, but he was chased and threatened that if he went to the cops, he'd bring more trouble on himself. It seems like those..." Her lip curled and I imagined she would have spat something unrepeatable if Sarah hadn't been there. "...jerks make a habit of this. Anyway, sounds like they'll be getting locked up for quite a while."

"So Paul's off the hook?" I asked.

"Yes. There's red tape of course, but he won't be charged."

"Thank God. This all happened pretty quick," I mused.

"Most of it was yesterday, but I only heard about it from Edward this morning after he saw Paul."

"Where is..?"

"Your place, I think. He hasn't been here yet; I guess he's been tied up with the cops and the lawyer."

"When am I going to meet Paul?" Sarah asked suddenly and Leah raised an eyebrow.

"Well...um..." I stopped and let Leah answer.

"Maybe you can meet him later today," she said. "I think we should go home so I can study properly and you can spend some time with your Grandpa; then we'll come back in the afternoon."

"You sure?" I murmured.

"Yes; might as well be sooner rather than later if he's going to stick around."

"I...uh...I asked him to move in," I told her. "He lost his job so there's nothing for him in Boston..."

I noticed a hint of hurt flash across her face before it was replaced by a determined smile. "Fine; I wondered if he'd stay here." She closed her books and put them into her bag. "Come on, Sarah; let's get home. Jeannie's coming over, remember?"

I was tempted to ask if she'd seen much of Jasper, but I kept my mouth shut, deciding there was a time for that and this wasn't it. Sarah left Lemony Snicket on the table beside my bed, telling me she would only read it with me while I was in hospital, even if she wasn't actually reading it to me. Then she planted kisses all over my face and hugged me before the pair of them left.

I was left alone for a while, my only company being a nurse who came to check everything, including the damned catheter I was having to use which wasn't the most comfortable thing I'd ever experienced.

"Can't you get rid of it?" I asked. "I can use one of those...um...bottles."

"We'll see what Doctor says. He'll be here in a few minutes; we want to see how you manage standing up. If that goes ok, we should be able to unhook you from everything now."

"Any idea when they're going to let me go home?"

"I don't think it'll be long; if all goes well, probably a day or two."

"Awesome!"

"Don't get too excited, Jacob, we have to get you on your feet yet."

"I feel fine," I said firmly.

"You might feel fine lying down. You've been on your back for two and a half weeks."

The doctor came in moments later, accompanied by a junior doctor and after checking how I was doing with the nurse, I was instructed to try sitting up slowly and turning so that my legs hung off of the side of the bed. Convinced I would have no problem, I pushed myself up and turned, then found my head aching and spinning at the same time.

"Slow - ly," the doctor repeated firmly. "You've suffered a serious head injury, Jacob. You might think you feel well enough while you're in bed, but you're not used to movement. You're going to feel off-balance for a while if you don't take it easy."

"Mmm." I hung my head and closed my eyes, feeling as if I'd had one too many beers. Gradually things stopped spinning and I looked up again. "Ok; better now."

"Shuffle forward until your feet are on the floor; then we'll help you up."

This time I did as I was told, an inch at a time until the two doctors took an arm each to support me as I took my weight on my legs. The limbs felt as if they didn't quite belong to me, trembling in their efforts to support my weight, but at least I didn't feel dizzy. I was assisted in walking a few steps along the length of the bed and back and as much as I felt like I might fall flat on my face at any moment, I stayed upright with assistance until I was helped back into bed, heart hammering as if I'd spent an hour in the gym.

"This isn't unusual at all," the doctor said.

"Are you sure I'll be up to going home in a couple of days?"

"I believe so. We'll have you on your feet properly in no time. It will of course depend on whether you have someone to help you. Your wife...?"

"Uh...no, we're not together. But my partner will be there. He moved in, so..."

"That's good. So long as you won't be alone then there shouldn't be a problem."

The doctors left and much to my relief, the nurse then removed the catheter and also the drip which was still attached to my arm. When she left, another one came in with some rather unappealing looking sandwiches, but hunger made me devour them eagerly. I remained sitting upright, resting against the pillows and an hour later, just as I was about to pick up my phone and call Paul, he walked in, carrying a paper sack in one hand and a rucksack in the other.

"Hey, I was about to call you," I said. "What have you got there?"

"Decent food," he grinned, dropping into the chair next to me and passing me the paper sack. "I know how shit hospital food is."

"They just gave me sandwiches made of wood shavings about an hour ago," I grimaced, peering into the sack. Inside was an enormous sub stuffed with pastrami and cheese salad, a chocolate muffin and a bottle of soda. "I love you," I sighed, digging out the sub.

Paul grinned. "So, they disconnected you from a few things. That has to be good, right?"

"Yeah, got rid of the damned catheter so at least I can piss on my own," I grunted, cramming a large bite of food into my mouth and groaning with pleasure.

"Are they gonna let you out soon?"

"Uh huh. Couple more days."

"Sorry, I won't keep asking you things. Eat." Paul sat back in the chair and waited while I finished the delicious lunch, telling me about Mike Newton's statement and the other guy who had come forward; his lawyer's advices and that he expected the charges against him to dropped later that day.

At last I finished the soda and put the empty paper sack aside, beckoning to Paul to come closer. "I didn't get to say hello properly yet."

"Thought you'd rather have food than me," he smirked, getting up to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Got that right. I'd starve in here if it wasn't for you and Leah bringing me proper food."

He leaned closer and brushed his lips over mine. "I can't wait until you get home; even though we're probably not gonna be able to do much of anything for a while. You sure you want me to move in?"

"Yeah, you have to really; the doc says I can't be on my own right away," I teased.

"That's all you want me for? To make sure you don't pass out alone or something?"

"Jerk." I slid my hands up to his neck and drew him closer. "I missed you."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here the last couple of weeks."

"I know; it doesn't matter." I brought our lips together again and for the first time in weeks we kissed properly. Paul seemed reluctant to deepen it at first and I gripped him tighter, thrusting my tongue into his mouth, crushing his lips against his teeth until he responded heatedly, sliding his arms around me, his hands slipping into the open back of the hospital gown and stroking over my skin. The unattractive garment was useful for one thing at least, I thought, shivering under the feel of his fingers tracing circles at the bottom of my spine, then dipping into the crack of my ass. I moaned into his mouth as my cock responded eagerly, tenting the front of the gown and the single sheet which covered my lap. Paul's lips left mine and nibbled at my ear and I removed my hands from his neck, for a moment forgetting where we were as I unbuttoned the top half of his shirt and slid a hand inside, finding his nipple ring and giving it a gentle tug. He growled softly and pulled back, his face flushed with arousal as his eyes met mine.

"Fuck, we can't do this here."

"Damnit," I muttered, pressing the heel of my hand against my cock, feeling it pulse against my belly. "I'm so fucking hard."

"Good thing they unhooked the heart monitor," he grinned. "How risky is it? Do they come in and check on you very often?"

"Not really." I glanced at the door. "I'm not sure if I'm up to returning the favour quite yet though."

"Don't worry about that; I'll just go home later and think about what we're gonna do when you're well enough; imagine what it's gonna feel like with my cock in your ass without a fucking rubber and jerk off in your...our bed."

"Jesus," I groaned, stilling my hand as I found myself rubbing my erection through the gown. Paul chuckled and glanced at the door too.

"Want me to?"

"Yes."

"Lie back."

I leaned back against the pillows again and in seconds, he had pulled the sheet down, my gown up and his head was in my lap, my cock encased in the wet heat of his mouth.

"Holy shit," I breathed. "You know I'm gonna come in about thirty seconds."

"Mmm." He laughed softly, his mouth vibrating around me and I groaned, closing my eyes as he continued sucking on me, using both hands to caress my balls and the base of my cock. Predictably it was over embarrassingly fast with me grinding my teeth together in an effort not to cry out, while Paul swallowed my load, drawing out every drop before he sat up with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Good?"

"Fuck, you know it was." I lowered the gown to cover myself, my eyes drifting to his lap and noticing the uncomfortable looking bulge in his jeans. "I wish I could..."

"I can wait." He got up, adjusting himself before sitting back down in the chair. "How are you feeling?"

"Drained."

"You know what I mean."

"Fine; as you would expect after I had my cock sucked."

"Good; I'd hate to have to call the doc and explain why you're suddenly worse again."

I laughed softly. "You'd love it; you'd probably gloat."

We changed the subject then, Paul clearly keen to talk about something else in order to forget his frustration. He talked about work and the fact that he had already been looking around to see what was available in New York. There was nothing which related to fitness in any way and at that point I opened my mouth to suggest he work at my gym, but he pre-empted me.

"Even if there was a position going with you, I wouldn't take it," he said.

"Why?"

"Living together and working together? In each other's pockets twenty-four seven? It mightn't work out. You hear about couples who go into business together and they break up because it becomes too much. Personal fights affect the business or disagreements in the work place carry on at home or it's just because of them never getting a break from each other. I don't want us to fail because of something like that."

"I had actually thought that myself," I admitted. "But you need work; it could just be temporary."

"Jake; thank you, but no," he said firmly. "I have enough money to pay the bills for maybe six months before I have to start worrying..."

"The bills are virtually nothing," I interrupted. "There's no rent because my landlord has always charged me for the whole building. It's only utilities and phone and stuff like that; it's a tiny amount."

"Ok, well that's good. I have another idea anyway. I've been thinking about starting up on my own. I haven't had much time to look into it yet, but I plan to over the next few weeks. I couldn't go into something as big as fitness equipment with only some cash and no collateral, but I thought about some kind of fitness products - I don't know, maybe supplements or sports clothing or something like that. It'd be a place to start, so long as I could make enough of a profit to live off of."

"That sounds great," I said at once. "If it's any help, I don't think there's enough choice as regards the vitamins and supplements I sell; and protein powders, all that type of stuff. There are two major companies - you probably know that - and they charge the earth for their products and mainly sell in bulk to gyms and spas and health shops. You can't buy them by mail and although they're cheaper if you're getting them from a gym, you have to be a member to access them. On the high street they cost more."

"Hmm...maybe I'll look into that first then," Paul nodded. "I've plenty of time to do it anyway. My lawyer's bill isn't going to be that big after all; I thought this might go on for weeks or even months, but it looks like it's almost over so I won't have to be begging in the subway stations just yet." He grinned and winked.

Paul stayed with me for most of the afternoon. A nurse looked in once, but otherwise we were left alone until Leah and Sarah returned at four-thirty, bringing with them a container of home-cooked meat pie and a separate one of fruit cobbler.

"I'll...um...I should get out of your way," Paul said, getting to his feet quickly.

"Wait. Uh...let me introduce you properly." I sat up straighter as Sarah came to my side, Leah remaining by the door. "Leah, I know you already met Paul at the gym that day..."

She nodded. "Hello."

"Leah." He nodded back, looking surprisingly nervous.

"Sarah, this is my friend, Paul; remember me telling you about him?"

"Yes." She gazed up at Paul's face and then stuck her hand out. "Pleased to meet you."

"It's very nice to meet you, Sarah," he responded and shook the offered hand.

"You're awfully tall," she went on. "Like my Dad. Do you work in a gym too?"

"No, I used to sell gym equipment. Now I'm hoping to start my own business."

"Ok. Where do you live?"

"I'm from Boston, but..." He stopped and glanced at me.

"Paul's living at my apartment now."

"Oh." Sarah frowned for a moment. "I hope you take good care of my Dad when he gets out of the hospital; the doc says he's going to need some help."

"I will, I promise," Paul said at once.

"Look, I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get some coffee," Leah said. "Leave you to it for a while. Ok, Sarah?"

"Sure." She climbed up onto my bed and sat by my knees and I heaved a sigh of relief. After the way she had reacted when Leah and I told her about Paul, I'd been fairly sure she wouldn't have a problem when she met him, but I'd still worried that maybe she wouldn't actually like him. So far things seemed to be going well enough.

"Sit down, Paul," I told him and he lowered himself back into the chair.

Sarah did most of the talking as the three of us sat together, telling me that her friend Jeannie had spent the afternoon with them and Jeannie's Dad had stayed too, rather than go home and then come back to pick the girl up.

"I think he likes Mom," she confided. "He keeps smiling at her all the time and looking at her when he thinks nobody can see."

"Do you like Jeannie's Dad?" I asked.

"Oh, yes, he's nice. He took us both to the movies on the weekend and we had popcorn _and_ icecream. Don't tell Mom, she'd say it'll rot my teeth. I think he spoils Jeannie because she doesn't have a Mom. He works here too; is he one of your doctors?"

"Um..." I coughed slightly as I remembered the embarrassment of the test Jasper had given me. "No, he works in a different part of the hospital."

"Ok. Well, he's on vacation this week. He said he'd take us all to Coney Island tomorrow if Mom didn't mind, but she hasn't made her mind up. She said I can go if I want to. Do you mind if I go without you, Dad?"

"Of course I don't mind. It'll be a little while before I'll be able to go for days out, but I promise I'll take you, and Jeannie as well if you want, for a day somewhere when I'm better."

"Oh, cool! Will Paul come too?" She turned to look at Paul.

"I'd like to come if I'm invited," he said.

She stared at him solemnly for a moment and then nodded. "You're invited."

"Well, thank you. Then I'd be glad to come, wherever you and your Dad decide you want to go."

It was almost an hour before Leah returned and at that point Paul excused himself and went to get coffee as Leah had done. She took the seat he had vacated and placed a paper cup of coffee she had brought for me on the bed table.

"Paul's really nice, Mom; he and Dad are gonna take me and Jeannie for a day out when Dad's all better," Sarah beamed.

Leah raised an eyebrow. "That's nice."

"Sarah's been telling me you might be going to Coney Island tomorrow," I said.

"Uh...well...Sarah's going; I haven't decided yet. I need to study."

"You're always studying, Mom, you can take a day off. Maybe Grandpa can come too."

"I don't think he'd want to do that." Leah grimaced slightly and avoided my eyes.

"Maybe you can go and enjoy the day out and tell him to get over here and have it out with me if he has anything to say," I suggested. "There's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy a day with...the girls."

"Giving me permission, Jacob?" Leah asked a little sharply.

Sarah glanced from her to me and back again and I quickly picked up my coffee and sipped it. "Sarah, could you go and put some sugar in this, please? I think Mom forgot."

"Mom never forgets the sugar." Sarah got to her feet. "You just want to have grown up talk, don't you? You can just tell me to go outside, you know, Dad." She picked up Lemony Snicket and quietly left the room.

"I'm sorry," Leah said.

"What for?"

"Snapping."

"I didn't mean it to sound like that, you know," I told her. "I just meant...if you like the guy, I think you should go. I'm not saying that because of my situation or what I did, or because I feel guilty or anything. I just think you deserve to enjoy yourself. Do you like him, Leah?"

"Yes, I like him."

"He spends time with you already anyway, doesn't he?"

"Yes, but a day out is more like a...a date, even with the kids."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"Jake..." Leah flushed vividly. "This isn't really something I should be talking about to my ex-husband."

"Why not? Look, aren't we friends? Before we started dating, we were friends and our friendship has always been there, through our marriage and everything. You can talk to me about anything you want, even if it's another guy."

She sighed heavily. "I just don't want to rush things. I like Jasper and I guess I have hopes that maybe we could be together, but...you know what? I've never dated anybody except you and that was...eleven, twelve years ago?"

"Are you telling me that you...Leah Black...is having a confidence crisis?" I teased gently.

"I guess I am a bit."

"You've no reason to. Listen to me...you're smart, you're beautiful, independent, you know what you want and you're not afraid to say so. The fact that it's a day out with the kids makes it easy, right? Presumably you can talk to the guy...Jasper...about stuff?"

"Yes, we talk a lot; at least in the last few days we have."

"Well, then. Be upfront with him; tell him you're into him, but you want to take it one step at a time. He'll wait; he's lucky to have you."

She nodded slowly. "I can do that. It still feels weird talking to you about this, but thanks."

"Any time."

"So...Paul's gonna be living with you from now on."

"Are you ok with that?" I asked.

"I expected it would happen sooner or later if you stayed together. I got used to it some time ago now. You need somebody there when you get home and I know how you feel about him. It's pretty obvious he feels the same."

"You think?"

"Hell, Jake, he looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass. I'm glad to see you happy; I'm glad we can be friends again too. I wanted to hate you, you know, but I was never going to be able to do that." She gave me a sudden grin. "I guess I better get Sarah home. Your Dad will be wanting dinner soon and I should probably...uh...call Jasper and let him know about Coney Island."

"Enjoy," I said. "Get a photo of Sarah for me."

"I promise. Thanks, Jacob."

She left and a moment later Sarah came back in to say goodbye. "Mom's coming to Coney Island," she whispered conspiratorily.

"I know," I whispered back. "You and Jeannie make sure she has a good time, ok?"

"Ok." She leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, then on each cheek. "See you the day after tomorrow."

Paul returned after they had gone and shared the enormous portion of pie with me, both of us refusing the hospital meal. Emmett came in to visit for a while in the evening and when I began to yawn, Paul left with him, leaving me to get some sleep. I was glad for Leah, I realised. I knew Jasper was a decent guy and after what I'd put her through, she deserved to be happy. Sarah seemed happy about it and she had accepted Paul too, so my greatest fear was unfounded. Now all I needed to do was get out of the hospital and move forward with my life with him.


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

When I woke the next morning, it was the first time since the attack that I was actually able to get up to use the bathroom. A nurse held onto my arm and accompanied me the few yards down the corridor to the restrooms while I clutched the back of my gown closed. Then she left me in there with my bag of toiletries, saying she would be back in fifteen minutes, but I could punch the alarm button in one of the stalls if I needed help.

I used the toilet first and then moved to the sinks and looked at myself in the mirror. It was the first time I'd seen myself since I'd been getting ready to go to the Stonewall with Paul and I grimaced at the face looking back at me. I had lost some weight, my eyes were ringed with purple shadows and I had a decent amount of beard, although I'd seen and felt the latter a few times. The bandages which had been wrapped around my head were gone, but when I turned this way and that to see the sides and back of my head, I noticed a small dressing covering the wound and a stubbly area surrounding it where my head had clearly been shaved for the operation. The hair had grown back about as much as that on my face and I cringed, surprised that no one had commented. Sarah never held back about things like that, but perhaps Leah had warned her not to say anything. I didn't have shaving equipment with me so there wasn't much I could do about the beard and I would certainly need to do something about my hair; I was going to look ridiculous when the dressing came off.

I was alone in the room and I slipped the top part of the gown off and secured it around my waist, then took my time washing my face and upper body and cleaning my teeth. I longed to take a shower, but I was going to have to wait to get home to do that. By the time I returned to my bed, I felt much better and after the less than pleasant hospital breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, I decided to call Paul and ask him to bring me something decent to eat. I didn't expect to see Leah and Sarah that day as they would be spending it with Jasper.

It was then that I noticed the rucksack under one of the chairs; the rucksack which Paul had brought with him the previous evening. I had forgotten about it at the time and now I reached down and grabbed it, assuming he must have brought something for me and omitted to tell me. Inside I found some of my clothes - cargo pants, two shirts, socks, underwear and a pair of sneakers and I grinned happily over his thoughtfulness as I removed the hated hospital gown and dressed, then stretched out on top of the bed covers. I couldn't wait to get home and at least be in my own place, even if I had to rest for a while longer. I called Paul then and when he answered I could hear the sounds of the city in the background.

"I'm on my way," he said. "Just stopped off in Einstein's to grab us some breakfast."

"Did you by any chance get smoked salmon and cream cheese?" I asked hopefully.

"Yup, one of them is."

"Awesome. Could you do me one more favour please?"

"Anything."

"Bring me a shaver. I look like a God damned bear," I said, immediately hearing a guffaw of laughter.

"I noticed," he chuckled. "I'll pick one up on the way; be with you in about twenty minutes."

While I waited, a nurse came in to check on me and to change the dressing on my head, telling me that the wound was healing well and that it would only need to remain covered for the rest of that day. The stitches could come out probably by the end of the week.

Paul arrived then and I tucked into two of the bagels he brought before he opened up the other small bag he had with him and took out a brand new multi-function shaver and clipper.

"You didn't have to do that," I protested. "Some cheap disposable razors would have done."

"No they wouldn't; I figured you'd want to do something about your hair. When that dressing comes off, you're gonna look like a monk," Paul smirked.

"Fuck off."

He just grinned wider. "Want some help?"

"You don't have to do that."

"Stop saying that. Isn't this what people do when they're in relationships? Take care of each other?"

"Yeah. Thank you, Paul." I stopped protesting and sat up straight while he unpacked the shaver and fitted the clipper attachment.

"You want me to cut it all off so it's stubble, like the part the doc shaved?" he asked.

"Yes, please."

"I'm no hairdresser, but I'll try not to cut your ears off."

"Gee, thanks."

I stayed motionless, watching my hair falling onto the bed covers and down my neck as Paul omitted to wrap a towel around me. The nurses wouldn't be impressed, I thought, but at least he did a reasonable job. When I looked in the small mirror he produced, my head had an even covering of black stubble and I appeared fairly normal again. He continued grooming me by changing the clipper attachment and shaving my face, despite my protest that I could manage that part myself.

"The nurses will love you," I grimaced, when he shook a cloud of hair and beard onto the floor.

"So long as you do, I don't care what they think." He sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned towards me. "Gonna kiss me now? You were too eager to get at the food when I arrived."

"I pity the patients in here who don't have loved ones bringing them food; it's a wonder they don't starve to death." I wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him closer. "I can't wait to get home."

Our lips met and his arms slid around me, his tongue thrusting into my eager mouth and sending blood rushing to my groin. I sank back against the pillows and Paul shifted his position, joining me on the narrow bed and virtually lying on top of me, one thigh pressed between mine. He moved his hips and his clothed erection nudged my own, making me moan into his mouth and break the kiss with a gasp.

"God, Paul," I groaned. "Don't do this to me here."

"My right hand didn't do much more than take the edge off last night," he breathed. His hips rocked against me, rubbing our cocks together.

"No one will be coming in for a while," I said. "One of the nurses checked on me before you arrived."

"Just use your hand." He pulled off of me and sat up, unfastening his jeans quickly and freeing himself. As usual he had no underwear on and he stroked himself slowly for a moment before I pushed his hand away and grasped him myself.

"Stand up," I said. "I want you in my mouth."

"You sure that's not gonna make your head spin?"

"You always make my head spin, Paul," I grinned. "I want to. Anyway, how am I going to explain why there's cum all over the bed otherwise?"

Chuckling, he got to his feet and stood close to the edge of the bed and I slid down until I was in a suitable position to take him in my mouth.

"Don't move too much, I'll do that," he said.

I caressed him for a moment, stroking with a light touch, teasing him with the tip of my tongue before I drew more of him into my mouth and moved my hand to his balls, squeezing and stroking while he thrust himself carefully back and forth, trying not to make me move too much while his thighs trembled with the effort of holding back. When he came, his groan was loud enough to be heard outside the room, but no one looked in and he sat down again, breathless and bright-eyed. Grimacing, I adjusted my pants, but I was determined to wait until I got home so we could take our time with each other.

"I'm ok," I insisted when Paul offered to return the favour.

"You're rock hard."

"They're probably gonna let me out tonight and if not then, in the morning. I just want to be in my own bed, completely naked, so you can put your hands and your tongue and your cock anywhere you like."

"Fuck," Paul muttered. "They better let you go home today or I'm gonna go crazy."

"At least you didn't have to worry about getting caught last night."

We changed the subject quickly then and I was relieved when my erection subsided. Paul stayed with me until lunchtime before heading out to find food for us. He brought back pasta salad and then left me alone, deciding to spend the afternoon looking into avenues for starting a business. I lay on the bed listening to the goings on outside my room until I received a surprise visit from Embry, who was free from work for the afternoon.

"I'm sorry I haven't been in before," I said. "I mean, I have, but you were out of it. How are you feeling?"

"Ok, just desperate to get out of here. They might release me later today, otherwise tomorrow. How's things with you?"

"Marie's pregnant!" he exclaimed, suddenly beaming from ear to ear. "It's really early days, like three weeks or something, but we're hoping."

"That's fantastic news, congratulations!" I grabbed his hand and pumped it vigorously, realising that I had recovered more of my strength much quicker than I'd expected. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"What do you think? A boy! I'm gonna teach him baseball; he'll be the next star of the Mets."

"What if you get a girl?"

"She'll be a little star anyway. So, I've been reading about what happened in the papers. I can't believe they even arrested Paul, that's just bullshit. You must be relieved that witness came forward."

"There were two," I told him. "The kid, Mike, who comes to the gym and another older guy. Well, he wasn't there the night we were attacked, but one of the same guys hurt him another time. Any charges against Paul will be dropped now. We're probably gonna have to go to court to testify against the guys though."

"Hope they lock them up and throw away the key," Embry grunted.

"Me too."

"How's your Dad dealing with this? Leah told Marie he's staying with them."

"He's not impressed. I told him what happened and that Paul's moving in with me. He hasn't been to see me since, but Leah says he's sick...he has cancer, so...I'm hoping we're going to be able to fix things. I'm not holding my breath; it'd be just like him to walk away again, but he's still here in New York, so we'll see."

"I'm sorry he's sick," Embry said. "Is it bad?"

"He has about a year."

"Shit."

"Yeah." Although it hadn't been in the forefront of my mind since Leah told me, it had constantly been there worrying me and I hoped that somehow he would come around and stay in New York. Even though he hated what I was and seemed determined to avoid the issue, the thought of him returning to Washington alone to die was heartbreaking.

Embry stayed an hour and after he left I was visited by my doctor. He checked me over thoroughly and asked me again to confirm that I wouldn't be alone when I went home.

"My partner, Paul, is living at my place," I said. "He'll be there all the time for the moment. I have a couple of friends to call on as well, who work in my gym beneath the apartment."

"Alright, then there's no reason why you can't go home later today," the doctor said, to my intense relief. "Your wound is healing well and there appear to have been no after effects from either the attack or the surgery. You'll need to take things very easy; absolutely no working, no driving, nothing at all physical for a while."

"Does that include...? Can I...?" I reminded myself that he was a doctor and nothing I could say was going to shock him. "Can I have sex?" I blurted.

"As long as it's not too...vigorous, then it shouldn't do any harm," the doctor responded with a small smile.

I was left alone for a while then and I constantly glanced at the clock, watching the time creep by and longing to be released. Five o'clock came and the hospital food began to do the rounds again, which I refused as usual, certain Paul would be coming back before long, either with something more pleasant, or to take me home. When the door opened thirty minutes later I looked up eagerly, expecting it to be him, but I was surprised by the appearance of my Dad.

"Jacob," he greeted.

"Dad. Come in."

He closed the door and came to sit in one of the chairs beside the bed. "We have some things to talk about," he said.

"Yeah, we do."

"Leah tells me they're letting you out of here soon."

"Later today, I think," I confirmed.

"You'll be needing some help for a while."

"I have help, remember? Paul's at my apartment," I reminded him.

"Hmm."

"Look, Dad, I don't expect you to suddenly accept everything, but I hope you'll at least try. This is who I am; who I've always been. If Leah, my wife who I hurt pretty badly, can still support me and try to understand then you can too. Or do you really want to walk away from me? Life's too short...isn't it?"

He grimaced slightly and let out a sigh. "Leah told you, didn't she?"

"Of course she told me. Why didn't you?"

"I would have, when you got out of here."

"I meant before. You knew before you left New York, right?"

"Yes. You know the way I am, Jacob. I thought I could deal with it on my own. Seemed to be going ok too. I was in remission, but it didn't last as long as I hoped."

"So what now? Are you staying in the city?"

"I thought I'd go home. My doctor's there..."

"There are doctors here. I'd rather have you here, in my life and Sarah's for as long as possible. That depends on you, though, doesn't it?"

"I don't want us to fight about this again. I've been thinking about it the last few days. I haven't always been the best father to you. I've seen how you are with Sarah and I suppose in a way, I think you're doing a better job. Makes me feel like in some ways I failed you."

"You didn't fail me," I said at once, surprised. "You just have different ideas about things sometimes."

"Would you have married Leah if I hadn't pushed you?"

"I don't know. We would have decided that together, but I loved her and I would have supported her and taken care of Sarah, whatever else happened. I don't regret any of that; we've had ten good years together. I didn't realise until a couple of years into it that I still wanted...guys. Then I carried on pushing it aside as much as I could; I wanted to be a good husband and father more than I wanted to follow a different path."

"So why now?"

"I fell in love and I realised I wasn't being fair on anyone - Leah and Sarah, but also myself. Leah accepted it eventually and we're growing to be good friends again. She seems to be moving on too."

"Hmm...that Whitlock character."

"Don't you like Jasper?" I asked.

"He's alright, I suppose; it's just strange seeing her with some other guy."

"Well, it's early days. They're kind of having a first date today."

"Have you met him?" Dad asked.

"Yes, a couple of times. He's a decent guy and a good father himself. Brought up his little girl on his own and she and Sarah are best friends. I hope it works; Leah deserves someone who's going to treat her well and I know he will."

Dad shook his head. "Well, I suppose you both know what you're doing."

"What does that mean exactly?"

"It means...you're too old for me to be interfering in your life, Jacob. Look where it got me before. Whether you agreed with Leah or not, you were going to stand by her and that's only right. It's not easy to admit you've been wrong, but I know in some ways I have been."

"It's in the past," I said, wondering if I could dare to hope that he might eventually accept me too.

"I might have a hard time getting used to...the rest of it. You know what my views are and it's going to be hard to change them at this point in my life."

"I guess you have to figure out what's most important," I said. "All I'm asking is that you try, and that you don't condemn me. I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm not expecting you to come around for dinner and play happy families with me and Paul, but..."

"I'll do the best I can," he interrupted. "Give me some time, ok?"

I nodded, knowing it was the best I was going to get at that moment. "You're staying then?"

"I'd like to, but I can't keep imposing on Leah. Besides, this thing eating me is going to start taking its toll eventually; she has enough on her plate without me needing help."

"I can find you a place to live. There are care facilities here too, in case you should need that later."

"I have some money set aside," Dad said. "You wouldn't need to worry about that part of it."

"I wish you'd told me," I repeated. "We should have been there for you when you were having the treatment; when you were worrying about it. I hate thinking about you not having anybody..."

"That was my choice. Don't think that way; I was alright and I'm alright now. I'd like to make the most of the time I've got; make sure Sarah gets to see her Grandpa enjoy himself for a while."

"I'll start looking for a place for you as soon as I get out of here," I promised. "Will you need to go back to Forks for any reason?"

"No. I rented a house with furniture and I brought most of my clothes and things with me. There are some personal items there, but I can have them sent."

"That's good. You'll be ok staying with Leah a bit longer until we find somewhere, won't you?"

"Fine, so long as she can put up with me."

The door opened suddenly and I glanced up as Paul halted uncertainly in the doorway. Dad looked around and I noticed the beginning of a grimace before he schooled his face into a neutral expression.

"I'll come back," Paul said.

"Stay," I told him.

"I'm done here." Dad got to his feet and rounded the end of the bed, hovering between it and the door.

"I should at least introduce you." I thought it was worth a try as Paul took a step forward and let the door partly close behind him. "Paul, this is my Dad, Billy. Dad, this is Paul Lahote."

I watched as Paul offered Dad his hand. "Good to meet you, Mr Black."

I half expected Dad to ignore the hand and make for the door as quickly as he could, but he stood still and glanced over at me again, a somewhat resigned expression on his face. Paul's hand continued to hover in front of him and after a moment he took it in the briefest handshake I'd ever seen.

"Paul," he grunted and then quickly left.

"Well, that went slightly better than I expected," I said wryly. "At least he pretended to shake hands."

"What did he say to you?" Paul asked.

"That he'd try; he doesn't want bad feeling between us but he's set in his ways and so on. We'll see. He's gonna stay in New York so hopefully he'll come around eventually. Like I said to him, I don't expect him to come over and play happy families with us, so long as he'll make an effort to accept me."

Paul nodded. "So when are they letting you go?"

"I'm still waiting for the doc to come see me. They said later today, but it's what...five-thirty now?"

"They're still taking the meals to everyone. I didn't bring you anything this time, I'm sorry, I thought you'd be coming home. I figured I'd get us some takeout."

"I can wait," I said.

We waited another hour before my doctor finally appeared with a discharge form, checked me over one last time and then had me sign it and promise to call or come back should I suffer any problems at all, which could be dizzy spells, passing out, migraines and so on. Since I hadn't suffered any since the surgery, it was unlikely that I would and he added that I had recovered much faster than anyone expected since I regained consciousness.

Paul gathered up the few belongings I had scattered around the room, including Sarah's book and I sent her a text to tell her I was going home and that if she wanted to visit me the next day I would be in my apartment. She quickly sent me a message back to say she was a having an amazing day and that Jasper was 'shooting the freak'. I remembered the costumed man, dodging around behind various obstacles while members of the public shot paint balls at him and laughed; I had done the exact same thing myself the last time I took Leah and Sarah there. I was surprised they were still there, but clearly the day was going well.

Despite my insistence that I would be fine on the subway, Paul found us a cab outside the hospital and I discovered I was glad of it after all. Walking through the hospital was more of an effort than I imagined it would be and by the time I had made my way up the stairs at the gym, I was panting with the effort, legs shaking.

"Fuck, I'm so out of shape," I groaned, collapsing onto the couch.

"No, you're not, you just came out of a coma a few days ago," Paul reminded me. "You'll get it back in no time. For now, you're gonna have to put up with me being at your beck and call."

"Actually, I kind of like that idea," I smirked. "Does it mean you have to do everything I ask?"

"Everything," he agreed darkly.

"Well, after dinner, I could really use a bath. Not sure I have the strength to lift the sponge though," I teased.

"I might be able to manage that." He flexed a bicep in front of me and then picked up the phone. "Chinese?"

"Yes, please."

I settled myself more comfortably and prepared to enjoy the rest of the evening, relieved to be finally back in my home - our home.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Paul had ordered a variety of Chinese dishes which we tucked into, leaving very few leftovers. I was still taking painkillers so I reluctantly left the beer in the refrigerator and drank soda instead. We relaxed on the couch for a while afterwards until Paul got up and went to run me a bath. I stayed where I was, eyes half closed, thinking about how lucky I was to have finally gotten what I wanted. Things hadn't happened the way I would have wanted in the beginning. The worst part of it had been that I'd hurt Leah, but as much as I didn't deserve it, she had begun to move on and we had managed to hold onto our friendship somehow. I was happy for her too. Jasper was a decent guy and I hoped things would work out for them. Finally I could be myself and I would be waking up with Paul every morning from now on. At last I was person I wanted to be and there was no need for me to hide it any more.

"Hey, bath's ready," Paul said then.

"Thanks." I got up slowly and headed into the bathroom, eager for a hot soak after weeks in a hospital bed with nothing more than partial bathes from the nurses. "I really need to wash my hair; what there is of it."

"They said it's ok, so long as you don't scrub at it; the wound is healed up." Paul carefully peeled off the dressing as I sat on the edge of the bath and reported that there was a thin red semi-circular line from the surgery, which was completely knitted together. "I don't know why they didn't take the stitches out already; it looks like they're not needed any more."

"Is there any hair growing around it?" I asked.

"Getting vain, Jake?" Paul teased. "It's growing either side of the cut; I doubt it'll be visible when it gets back to the length you had it before."

I heaved a sigh of relief and lifted my arms as he pulled my t-shirt up to remove it. "Am I getting the full treatment with this bath?"

"I guess that depends. What did the doc say?"

"He said I can have sex as long as I'm not vigorous about it."

Paul snorted. "You actually asked him?"

"Yeah, I was getting desperate in there. I've waited a long time for us to finish our night..."

"At least you were asleep for most of it. How many times do you think I jerked off since then?" Grinning, he began to unfasten my pants. "Actually, almost none until Edward called me; I was too worried. But I think you should rest tonight; you look exhausted."

"Damn you," I muttered and yawned to prove his point.

A few minutes later I was naked and neck deep in hot water, relishing the feel of getting clean all over. Paul sat on the lid of the toilet, talking to me while I soaked, my eyes closed, until the water began to cool off a little. Then he carefully washed my hair for me and had me get up and sit on the end of the bath, my legs still in the water while he grabbed a sponge and began to soap me from head to foot. I squirmed and moaned as he scrubbed my back and chest, my cock quickly beginning to rise despite my need for sleep. I shifted my butt forward a little, resting my back against the wall behind me, silently begging him to give me some much needed attention as my erection quivered in front of me.

"Hope you didn't get in this state when the nurses were giving you bed baths," he said.

"I think I was dead from the waist down until you turned up." I hummed my approval as the sponge ran down one thigh and up the other, gently washing my balls before travelling up the length of my shaft and rubbing the head. "God, that feels good."

He continued his teasing, up and down tormentingly slowly until I was bucking my hips against the sponge in an effort to gain some friction, my fists clenched at my sides and my teeth digging into my bottom lip.

"Christ, Paul," I muttered. "I need to come."

The sponge was removed and I opened my eyes to watch as he plunged it into the water to wash out the soap and began squeezing water over me to rinse me down. I moaned in frustration as the task took far too long, but at last he was done. He quickly began to strip off his own clothes, tossing his shirt onto the floor and unfastening his usual tight jeans to release a throbbing erection. I eyed it longingly as he stepped into the bath and knelt in front of me, grasping my cock in one hand, much to my relief, and his own in the other beneath the surface of the water. I spread my legs further apart with a sigh, pushing myself impatiently against his palm as he stroked me, his other arm moving slowly as he touched himself. At last he leaned forward and took me into his mouth, the hot cavern drawing me in until my tip reached the back of his throat, lips stretched wide around me, eyes raised to meet mine. I groaned and shuddered, my own gaze switching between his face and my cock as it slid in and out of his mouth, and the movement of his other arm as he masturbated.

"Fuck, I'm not gonna last long," I gasped.

He hummed around me, the sound vibrating on the sensitive head before he ducked lower again, swallowing my length until his nose touched my pubic hair. I raised my hands from the edge of the bath and held onto his head as he began to bob up and down more rapidly, his tongue flicking at my shaft, hand following his mouth up and down until I felt myself beginning to lose control. He gripped tighter and I yelled out as I came, spurting into his throat and feeling it gulp around me as he swallowed. Then he was pulling off of me, a satisfied grin on his face.

"That was so good," I panted, looking down again and noticing his other hand still moving in the water. "You didn't come yet?"

"No..."

"Stand up, let me help you out."

He got up slowly, planting his feet apart at the sides of the bath, his erection jutting out in front of him, and wrapped his hand around it again. I rested my hands on his hips, drawing him towards me and watching eagerly as he continued stroking himself, the swollen purple head of his cock repeatedly emerging from his fist as he pumped it steadily. He was breathing hard, grunting and groaning every so often and I cupped his balls in one hand, massaging them and reaching around him with the other hand to caress and squeeze his butt.

"So close," he panted. "Gonna suck me or do you want to watch?"

"Hell...both..." I grinned. I leaned forward, extending my tongue to tease him as he slowed his hand movement and pushed himself against my lips. He took his hand off and rested it on the wall above me instead, rocking his hips and slowly fucking my mouth. I sucked firmly, taking more of his length in with each thrust until he was repeatedly bumping the back of my throat, his balls swinging gently against my chin.

"Feels so fucking good," he growled. "Can't wait to fuck you again."

"Mmm," I mumbled, pulling off a little to concentrate my attention on the sensitive head of his cock, nibbling and flicking my tongue against it until he drew back, leaving my mouth completely. "Hey..." I protested.

"Watch me come." His hand wrapped around his shaft again and began to move rapidly, his hips jerking slightly as he got close to orgasm.

"Jeez, that is so hot," I groaned. My softened cock began to stir again as I watched him pump himself, moans and gasps issuing from him and his hand suddenly slowing as the first string of cum shot from his tip and painted my chest. Several more followed until he was done, teasing the last drops from his tip. I leaned in again, pushing his hand off and taking him in my mouth to taste and lick him clean.

Paul picked up the sponge again to wash my chest and then we stepped out of the cooling bath and dried off quickly before heading for my bed. It was still early, but I was longing for sleep and Paul admitted that he hadn't slept well since our attack, with worrying about me and his own arrest. At last I was able to rest in my own bed and with Paul's arms wrapped around me, I drifted off with a smile on my face, my body completely relaxed. I didn't stir until daylight had brightened the room and I opened my eyes to find Paul lying a few inches away, watching me.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Not long."

"You should have woken me." I glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost eight-thirty.

"You need your sleep. Do you want anything?"

"Just you. In a minute." I felt better than I had since I'd woken from the coma and I slid out of bed to go to the bathroom, using the toilet and cleaning my teeth, relieved that I didn't feel like I needed to take any painkillers as yet. I didn't feel completely myself, but there was certainly a vast improvement. I returned to the bed eagerly, my cock half hard in anticipation. I didn't want to wait any longer and there didn't seem any reason to. The doctor had said it would be ok.

Paul was lying on his side the way I had left him and I slid close to him, brushing my lips over his. His arm crept around my waist and pulled me against him, making me feel he was hard and throbbing, just as needy as I was.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Fine; almost normal."

"Are you sure we should do this yet?"

"God, Paul," I groaned. "I can't wait any longer. I swear, if you don't fuck me, I'm gonna tie you down and ride you and the doc said nothing vigorous."

"When you're up to vigour, I'm gonna hold you to that," he smirked.

I opened my mouth to respond, but I was cut off by his lips crushing mine in a searing kiss. Our tongues met, toying with each other, soft moans issuing from each of us and our cocks pushing achingly against each other's bellies. Paul slid a hand between us, grabbing both erections together and rubbing them against each other, dragging his mouth away from mine to breathe and let out a deeper groan. I edged backwards a little to give myself room to touch him, stroking a hand slowly over his chest and finding the nipple ring I loved to play with so much. I tugged on it firmly, making him moan and curse, his cock beginning to leak pre-cum which he spread down my own shaft.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he murmured suddenly.

"Are you kidding me? I haven't stopped thinking about it; what would have happened if those guys hadn't attacked us. I couldn't wait for you to fuck me; to feel you come in me."

"Christ," Paul groaned and suddenly took his hand off us and slid both arms around me instead, hugging me tight against him. "I thought I was gonna lose you. When they said you were in a coma I thought it was over."

"I know," I murmured. "But I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Paul."

"I love you too." He loosened his hold on me and backed up, brushing his lips over mine. His eyes were serious, but his mouth curved up at the corners into another smirk. "Where were we?"

"Uh...I think you were about to grab the lube."

"How do you want to do this?" He rolled away from me and opened the top drawer in the chest beside the bed, pulling out a new bottle. "I bought some more," he grinned.

"Remember one time I had my back to you and my leg up?" I said. "I didn't have to move too much that way."

"That's what I was thinking." He kicked the bed covers down to the bottom of the bed and lay down again. "Stay where you are for now though. I want to see your face."

I remained facing him, meeting his eyes as he slid a hand under my knee and pulled my leg up, draping it over his hip and then stroking his hand over my butt. I felt myself trembling with anticipation as he uncapped the lube and coated his fingers, waiting for him to reach down and touch me. I lowered my hand between us and curled my fingers around his cock, pumping it slowly and almost holding my breath as I felt one lube-slicked finger run down the crack in my ass and pass over my hole, then circle around it, tormenting me with the lightness of the touch. I moaned softly, my erection twitching and begging for attention as Paul's finger pushed gently against me, seeking entrance.

It had been weeks and I knew I would probably feel some discomfort, but I breathed deep and stayed relaxed as the digit slid into me. Slippery with lube, it felt good as it probed deeper and began to thrust slowly in and out, carefully fucking me until I begged him for more.

"Please..." I breathed.

"Please what?"

"I need more."

"I'm taking my time."

"I'm ready. Please, don't tease me today."

"Stop touching me," he said suddenly. "I don't want to come as soon as I'm in you."

Reluctantly I released him and rested my arm around him instead, breathing out slowly as a second finger entered me alongside the first. I felt mild discomfort, but it was only fleeting as he carefully stretched me, reaching deeper until he nudged my prostate. My back arched and my eyes closed as I clenched around him, longing for him to replace his fingers with his cock. I knew he was just trying to make sure he didn't hurt me, but I was desperate for him to fuck me and I writhed and moaned, pushing my hips forward and rubbing myself against his hip.

He withdrew his fingers from me then and I groaned in frustration, squirming impatiently as he added more lube and then entered me again, three fingers making me grimace and suppress a curse.

"You're so impatient," Paul grinned. "We've got all the time in the world."

"I know, I just can't wait," I whimpered. "Lying in that hospital bed seeing you every day has been torture when all we could do was fool around a little."

"Stop talking; just feel." His mouth covered mine to smother any response and he curled his fingers upwards repeatedly, finding my prostate again and massaging it slowly until I was forced to break the kiss just to breathe.

"Holy fucking shit, Paul!" I cursed and he chuckled quietly, then to my relief withdrew from me again and pushed me away from him a little.

"Turn over."

I rolled over quickly, listening to the lube being opened and the wet sound of him coating his cock in it. I shivered with longing, knowing that I was about to feel him for real without a condom between us. I pulled my knee up as he moved in behind me, slipping one arm under my neck while his free hand guided me exactly as he wanted me and then grasped his cock which had been eagerly prodding my butt for the last few seconds. I felt the warm, slippery head press against me and then circle slowly, teasing me and making my hole twitch and clench.

"Please..." I moaned again.

"Sshh."

At last he pushed into me, the head of his cock slipping easily past my stretched muscle before he held still again, his breath catching in his throat.

"Hell, this is probably gonna be the shortest fuck in history," he muttered.

"Tell me what it feels like."

He inched slowly deeper, letting out a deep groan. "Hot..." he panted. "Slippery...soft, like velvet...fucking tight and wet..."

I groaned both from his words and the feel of him inside me. His hips were flush with mine now, his cock filling and stretching me, his hand tucked under my leg to hold me against him. I could feel his heat and the ridges of the swollen veins in his shaft the way I usually felt them with my hands or my tongue. Shuddering, I grasped my own aching cock and began to stroke myself while Paul held still for a moment and then began to slide in and out slowly, his body rocking against mine. He was panting hard, hot breath on the back of my neck and I could hear my own heartbeat thundering in my chest. The soft wet sound of the lube easing the way between us only aroused me more as our pace quickened, Paul beginning to thrust harder, straining to bury himself deeper with each push forward. His length repeatedly dragged over my prostate and I rubbed myself harder, my hand moving faster as I chased my orgasm.

"I'm so close," Paul panted suddenly, his fingers digging into my hip and his body grinding against me. "Come for me."

"Almost there." My hand was flying over my cock and I began to buck my hips, fucking my fist and pushing myself more firmly onto Paul's thick shaft. "Oh, God..." I moaned, my movements becoming jerky as I came, spurting onto the sheet in front of me, my ass clenching and squeezing, making Paul hiss and groan.

"I'm coming!" he growled in my ear and I held still as he jerked inside me, spilling his seed deep inside me for the first time. I felt warmth and wetness, his length pulsing and throbbing as he emptied into me.

"Holy shit," I whispered. "Feels so good."

He laughed softly in my ear, the sound shaky and breathless. His arm slid around me and he hugged me tightly, his lower body still pressed tight to mine. His cock softened slowly and slipped from me almost reluctantly, smearing wetness on my skin as it fell away from me. I lowered my leg to the bed, grinning as I felt warm fluid seeping out of my, wet and sticky between my thighs.

"That was amazing," Paul murmured.

"Mmm." I turned over to face him, feeling more of his cum dribbling from me as I moved. "I'm gonna need a scrub."

"You liked it though?"

"Loved it. If there are any condoms left in that drawer, they're going in the trash," I said firmly. "Wanna share the shower with me?"

"Yes, then I'll make us some breakfast."

"I don't think there's much in the cupboards."

"I've been living here the last few days, Jacob, I didn't just eat in the cafeteria downstairs," Paul smiled.

"You went shopping for groceries? Seriously?" I hauled myself off the bed onto unsteady legs, grinning as I felt another trickle of his fluid make its way down the inside of my thigh.

"Yes, I thought you might want a decent cooked breakfast today. There's bacon, sausage, eggs, bread, some frozen hash browns and a bunch of other stuff."

"You're amazing." My stomach rumbled with longing as we stepped into the shower.

"I told you I'd do anything you wanted until you're properly better."

"There's only two things I want you to do," I told him. "Feed me and...fuck me like that again. Jeez."

We took our time in the shower, washing and teasing each other until hunger drove us out of the stall to dry off and dress. I relaxed on the couch while Paul went to work in the kitchen, the smell of bacon and sausage cooking quickly reaching my nostrils. He brought me some coffee while he finished the breakfast and soon we were digging into large platefuls and planning what to do with the rest of the day. I wanted to go down to the gym and at least see Edward and the others although I wouldn't be able to do anything. Paul intended to spend some time doing research on the business he hoped to start. He had decided health products, supplements and so on would be the way to go and was debating between finding a wholesaler to obtain the items from or alternatively creating his own brand.

"You should make your own," I said at once. "I think people will like to try something new, especially if it's at a more affordable price and accessible to the masses."

He decided to look into doing that and first accompanied me down to the gym where I intended to sit in my office for a while and catch up with the guys. Edward promised to walk back up the stairs with me when I'd had enough, even though I insisted I would be fine.

I found a mountain of cards containing good wishes from my members and was touched by the messages as I read through them all. Edward had brought a handful into the hospital when I regained consciousness, but I hadn't realised just how much support I had. Details of what had happened to me had been all over the news and it seemed that everyone completely supported me.

"I should go out there and speak to some of them," I said.

"Are you sure you're up to it?" Edward worried. "Paul will skin me if anything happens to you."

"I'm fine, I just tire easily at the moment," I told him. "I'm not even needing to take the painkillers any more. Come with me."

"Alright."

I spent maybe half an hour in the gym, taking a seat on one of the weight benches when a dozen or more people flocked around me, delighted to see me out of the hospital and on my feet, all wanting to express their relief that I was back and ok.

"Where's your boyfriend?" one girl asked.

"Um...he's upstairs in my apartment." I glanced around the faces anxiously, expecting to see at least a few unpleasant looks, but there were none.

"I can't believe he got arrested," a young guy said. "That was ridiculous. Thank God that kid Mike came forward, and the other guy."

"Have the charges against him been dropped?" another asked.

"Yes, we might still have to go to court, but only to testify against the guys who attacked us," I told them.

"Hope they lock them up and throw away the key; homophobic assholes," a third man said.

"Will you be coming back to work any time soon? We all miss seeing you in here," a woman asked.

"Thanks, but it'll be a little while longer. The doc said I need to rest and take it easy for a while. I'll be coming down here to chat to some of you every so often, but it'll be a couple of weeks before I'm up to working. My right hand man here can handle it," I said, giving Edward a grin.

"And his right hand man," someone added, shooting a look at Emmett who had just sauntered over to join us.

"You guys are such a waste," the first girl to have spoken said suddenly. "You, Edward, Emmett, your man...what's his name? Paul? All the hot ones are always gay."

A few people laughed and then the group began to break up. I stayed to speak to a handful of others who came over to greet me and then made my way back upstairs, Edward firmly gripping my arm despite my insistence that I could make it on my own. I was actually glad of his assistance, however, surprised by how much the short trip downstairs had taken out of me. I returned to the couch to rest and let Paul take care of me the way he was determined to do, guessing that a couple of days of plenty of rest, decent food and my man would work wonders.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N This is the last chapter, my friends. Thank you for reading and following the boys to the end of their journey. Hope you enjoy the ending :o)**

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

After the first few days at home, I was longing to go back to work. I'd been back to the hospital to have the stitches removed and endured the doctor's third degree as he checked how I was feeling, whether I'd had any dizzy spells or headaches and so on. That first day after Paul and I made love, I had actually felt quite rough and he had refused to so much as touch me for the next forty-eight hours, but that quickly passed and I was almost back to my usual self.

The next week or so, I went down to the gym at least once a day to bother Edward and Collin and chat to the regulars, but still my two managers and Paul refused to let me work. They feared it would be too much for me and that I would end up making myself ill and so far I had reluctantly agreed. I watched TV, read magazines and idled away my time while Paul researched and contacted companies who made sports supplements, deciding he was going to have his own brand made. All the recent press had made him known about and he had a good chance of making a successful start. He had even received a call from Andrew Leonard at FitWorx, apologising for his hasty dismissal and offering him his old job back, but he had refused, saying that he now lived in New York and had other plans.

Paul had returned to Boston one last time, borrowed a van from an acquaintance and driven back with his belongings, officially moving in with me. While he was gone he insisted that either Edward or Emmett stay with me and they had eagerly obliged, despite my insistence that I was ok to be alone for one day. When he finally came back on the train after returning the van to its owner, both guys were hanging out with me as the gym had closed some time before.

Now Paul had been properly moved in for more than a week and at last, no one could convince me to stay in the apartment a minute longer. For the first time since before the attack, I went down to the gym alone to spend the day at work, planning to sit in my office and go through any paperwork that had accumulated in my absence which Edward hadn't been able to deal with. I was delighted to be back, even though I couldn't yet work out myself and had to satisfy myself with office tasks or chatting to the clients. At least I was back in the middle of things and I was happy to see that there had been no problems in my absence. Gym numbers had increased and Edward and Collin had kept on top of everything, re-working their rosters between them to cover my absence.

When I headed back up to the apartment in the late afternoon, Paul was busy in the kitchen making us dinner. I helped myself to a beer from the refrigerator and hovered, watching, as he made spaghetti sauce.

"Your Dad called," he told me.

"Really? When?" I had barely heard from Dad since I got home. He had called once to check how I was doing, but the conversation had been short and awkward and he hadn't visited, even though Leah had done her best to persuade him and had been to see me herself several times with Sarah.

"About an hour ago. He wants you to call him back."

"How did he sound?"

"I don't know; like he wished it wasn't me he had to give the message to." Paul grimaced slightly. "How was work? I hope you didn't overdo it."

"I'm fine. Edward wouldn't let me do much anyway. Did you pay him or something?"

"No, but I did talk to him, although it was his idea to make sure you took it easy."

"I'm perfectly well now," I said. "Not even tired. I'll give Dad a call."

I left him to finish dinner and grabbed the phone, calling Leah's apartment. It was Sarah who answered, delighted to hear my voice.

"Is your Mom there?" I asked.

"Yes, but she's in the bath. She's going out."

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow. "Anywhere special?"

"Jeannie's Dad's taking her to dinner."

"That's nice," I said, smiling to myself. So Leah had given Jasper a chance after all. She hadn't talked about him to me at all since they had been to Coney Island, but clearly it had been the start of something and I was glad for her. "Is Marie staying with you?" I asked Sarah.

"No, there's no need 'cause Grandpa's here," she reminded me. "Do you want to speak to him?"

"Yes, please."

It was a minute or two before Dad came on the line and greeted me with little more than a grunt.

"You know Leah's going out with that fellow, Jasper?" he said then.

"Yes, I know, Dad. I'm happy for her."

"Don't you think it's a bit soon?"

"No, I don't think it's a bit soon; it's been months. She's entitled to find happiness and if Jasper gives her that, then great. Is that what you called about earlier? Paul said you wanted me to call you back."

"Uh...no...I wanted to talk to you. About you."

Finally, I thought. Was he now ready to make a proper effort with me again after our conversation in the hospital?

"Ok," I said pleasantly. "I guess you've had some time to think since I got home."

"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch very much up to now," he began. "I shouldn't have kept my distance, with you still recovering."

"I'm fine. Went back to work today," I told him. "You don't have to worry about me any more."

"You must have heard that those guys have been arrested," Dad said then. "Including the one your...um...Paul put in the hospital."

"Yes, I've been watching the news. I might have to testify against them, but otherwise, there's no more trouble for us."

"It's taken me a while to get my head around...everything," Dad confessed slowly. "You know what I think...thought about you when you were younger. It's not been easy for me to change my way of thinking, but you're a grown man...I guess you know what's right for you."

"Yes, I do," I put in firmly.

"You're my son, Jacob. It's not fair of me to judge you, I know that. I want you to be part of my life, what I have left of it and I know I've made things difficult for you, both with my disagreement with Leah and now, with...Paul. I want to make things right with you while I've still got the time to do it."

"I want that too," I agreed at once. He was actually beginning to accept me being with Paul, it seemed. "So where do we go from here?"

"Perhaps you could invite me see your gym and your new home. I haven't seen this new building yet; it rather shames me that I didn't take more of an interest before I left New York. How long have you been in there now?"

"Four years."

"You've done well, son. I've never said so and I should have, but I am proud of you. You've worked so hard to get where you are and it's easy to see you love what you do."

"Thanks, Dad," I said in surprise. "So, when do you want to come over?"

"How about tomorrow? I'll bring Sarah. Leah will probably want some peace and quiet in the morning. She said not to wait up, so..." He stopped without finishing the sentence and I raised an eyebrow. Clearly Leah was planning a good evening with Jasper and I noted that I no longer felt anything other than hope for her, that things would work out for the pair of them.

"That's great, Dad, come over whenever you're ready," I agreed to his suggestion of a visit the next day. "Just come straight into the gym; Sarah knows where my office is." I was amazed by this step forward and hoped that Dad would make an effort to at least speak to Paul if he intended coming up to see the apartment as well. "You know Paul will be here, right?" I added just in case.

"Yes, I know." He didn't elaborate, but at least things sounded promising.

"Sounds like it went ok," Paul said after I hung up, sitting down beside me and passing me a tray holding a large plate of spaghetti and a few slices of garlic bread. He placed his own tray on his lap and dug his fork into the food.

"Yeah, he's coming over tomorrow to see the gym and the apartment. He said he wants to make things right with me while he still has time. I guess that means he'll try to speak to you too; he knows you'll be here."

"I hope so," Paul said. "Not for me; I don't care what he thinks of me, but for you, I mean."

"I know."

We enjoyed the meal and then relaxed in front of the TV for a while, me sprawling out with my head in Paul's lap, his fingers stroking my scalp. My hair had grown back a little more now and I was relieved that my scar wasn't very noticeable unless someone was really close to me. It would fade and disappear among my hair when it grew back to its usual length.

I shifted my position slightly, rolling onto my side facing Paul, my head still resting on his knee. He was wearing jog pants, as usual with no underwear and I had felt a slight movement in them during the last few minutes. I immediately saw that he was about half hard, his cock pushing against the soft fabric impatiently.

"What are you thinking about?" I grinned, tucking my finger into the waistband of his pants and drawing it away from his body until the tip of his erection appeared.

"What do you think?"

"My tight ass and how much you want to fuck it," I teased, running my finger over the spongy head in front of me and making it twitch.

"Christ, Jacob."

"You're still being so gentle with me," I said. "You don't need to be, you know, I won't break." I pulled the pants down further, freeing him and extending my tongue to tease him, running it down the length of his shaft and back up. A bead of pre-cum oozed from the slit and I captured it quickly, causing Paul to moan softly.

"I can't help it," he said. "I can still remember how fragile you looked when I first came back and you had only been conscious a little while."

"I'm not fragile any more." I grasped him, angling his cock down towards my mouth and sucking on the head until he hissed and cursed, squirming beneath me.

"I can see. Keep doing that."

I let him pop free of my mouth and moved my head away. "I think I might just make you wait a bit longer."

"Fucking tease," he growled, but his lips were pulled up at the corners into a grin. "Maybe I'll just have to do it myself." He wrapped a hand around his erection and gave it a few slow pumps until I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand off.

"You can take a bit of teasing."

"Not for long."

"It'll just make you desperate to fuck me."

"I'm always...desperate to...fuck!" he groaned. My hand was beneath his shirt, fingers tugging firmly on the nipple ring and he leaned forward slightly to remove the garment, yanking it off over his head and tossing it to the floor. "Let's move this to the bed."

"Alright. I'm gonna need the lube in a minute anyway," I smirked, sitting up.

Groaning, Paul followed me, shedding the jog pants in the doorway and throwing himself into the middle of the bed. His erection slapped against his belly and lay there quivering, the tip leaking into his happy trail. I undressed more slowly, one item of clothing at a time while he watched, occasionally begging or demanding that I hurry the fuck up and join him. I lay down beside him at last, my head by his feet. I had been thinking about doing this for the past couple of days, but Paul had been taking charge of everything and I hadn't had the opportunity.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You'll soon see. Pass me the lube."

He picked up the already half empty bottle from the chest and passed it to me, then lay back and idly stroked himself as he watched me uncap it and squeeze some onto my fingers. I was lying on my back and now I drew my knees up and let them fall outwards, giving him a good view. He let out another groan and I reached down, running one lube-slicked finger back and forth over my hole, slowly stroking my cock with the other hand. I was throbbing almost painfully, but I was determined to ignore my need to come and torment Paul instead as I prepared myself for him. He was already cursing under his breath, his cock in one hand while he stroked his chest and stomach with the other.

"Want to see me fuck myself?" I teased. He growled something unintelligible, propping himself up more against the pillows so he could see better. Gently I pushed one slippery finger into myself, shuddering at the feel of it. Paul's hand slid from his stomach to his balls and cupped them, squeezing lightly, apparently determined to give me a display as erotic as the one I was giving him.

"You're going about it the right way if you want me to quit being careful," he panted.

"That's what I was hoping." I slid my finger in and out of myself a few times, turning it this way and that, lifting my butt off the mattress to ensure nothing obscured his view. "Like this? Feels so hot in there...so tight..."

"Fucking hell," Paul groaned, rubbing himself harder.

"Slow down; you don't want to waste that, do you?" I grinned. "I know you want to be pounding your cock into me when you come."

His hand movements slowed, his chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes fixed between my legs as I added a second finger and pushed deep. I carried on in the same way for two or three minutes until I was thrusting three fingers into my ass and pumping my cock eagerly and Paul was alternately swearing and whimpering, eyes wide and breathing laboured.

"Hell, Jacob, I can't stand this any longer!" he exclaimed, taking his hands off of himself suddenly and sitting up. I was now longing for his hands on me, his mouth on mine, his cock filling me and I withdrew my fingers with a wet, slurping sound and turned around.

"I'm ready for you."

"Come here!" He grabbed at me roughly, one hand gripping my neck and pulling me into a heated, messy kiss, lips crushed against teeth, his tongue plunging into my mouth. I moaned around his tongue, groping around on the mattress until I found the lube and squeezed out more into my hand. Blindly I grasped his erection which was prodding me in the hip and coated it quickly in the cool liquid. His lips left mine and our eyes met, his almost black with desire.

"Sure you're ok?"

"Just fuck me," I breathed. "Hard."

"Turn around."

I turned to face the wall, positioning myself on hands and knees, thighs spread wide and hands gripping the end of the bed, feeling the mattress dip as Paul moved in behind me. In a second I felt the thick, slippery head of his cock rubbing over my hole, teasing me for a long moment before he slowly pushed it into me.

"Oh, God," I panted, hanging my head and lowering my upper body so that I could brace myself with my arms. Looking back at myself, I could my own cock hanging heavy beneath my belly, Paul's knees planted apart between mine as he pushed forward, letting out a deep groan of pleasure as he filled me an inch at a time. He paused about half way and held still for a moment, then pulled almost all the way out before plunging back into me, burying his full length inside me this time.

"Fuck!" I hissed as he grazed my prostate, making me clench and shudder. I rested my forehead on the mattress and reached down to grasp my cock, desperate for some friction as Paul began to fuck me rhythmically, his hands gripping my hips tight, his balls swinging against my own.

"Want more?" he said through his teeth.

"Yes!"

His hands tightened, fingers digging into my flesh as he increased the pace, flesh slapping against flesh, his thick shaft pounding me, driving grunts and moans out of me with each thrust. Beads of sweat broke out of my pores and Paul's hands slipped on my skin, causing him to grip tighter to keep his balance, his own sweat dripping from his face and upper body onto my back. He was panting and groaning loudly, a litany of curses and words of love alternately spilling from his mouth.

"Harder," I encouraged. "I'm so close. Please..." I pumped my cock more vigorously and he pistoned into me, fingers bruising me as he held on even tighter.

"Come for me," he gasped. "Let me feel it."

A few more hard strokes and I was done, shooting my load onto the bed beneath me, feeling my ass clench tighter around Paul in reflex.

"Fucking Christ!" he cried, grinding himself hard against my rear, holding himself deep inside me as his cock began to jerk with his release, filling me with his fluid. His hands loosened on my hips and he lowered himself slowly back onto his heels and slipped out of me. I collapsed onto my belly, grimacing as my chest came into contact with the wet patch on the mattress.

"That was amazing," I panted, rolling onto my back. "Felt so fucking good."

Paul stretched out at my side and leaned in to give me a small breathless kiss.

"I love you," I added.

"Love you too." Another soft kiss and then he drew back, his chest still heaving from the exertion, and rubbed a hand over his face. His short hair was damp and sticking to his scalp and his softening cock was still leaking a little fluid.

"We're gonna need a shower and a change of sheets," I grimaced as I felt wetness seep from me onto the bed. Paul smirked, but didn't move and I slid closer to him, draping an arm across his chest.

Eventually we dragged ourselves up and into the bathroom to clean up and I found fresh sheets to put on the bed before we got back into it. It was still early, but Paul put a CD on and we lay together, listening to the background music and talking.

Finally everything seemed to be going so well. I had the man I loved beside me; my daughter had accepted him and had begun chatting to him easily when she visited me. In addition my ex-wife was venturing into her own new relationship and Jasper seemed to suit her perfectly; Sarah already liked him too and admitted she was glad to see her Mom smiling so much again. The gym thrived and Paul was about to embark on his own business, which I had already promised to support by stocking his products in the gym. Even Dad was slowly coming around to my new way of life and even though his would eventually be cut short, I intended to make the most of the time we had left, just as he said he wanted to.

Earlier that year, I had made such a mess of things with my disloyalty to Leah. I had been filled with guilt over my first night in Boston, never imagining it would ever be anything more than that and then later I had gone on to hurt Paul as well by turning him away in my despair. Now here I was, happier than I ever thought possible and with the amazing support of everyone that mattered. Somehow everything had worked out and I felt that I was far luckier than I deserved to be.

"What are you thinking?" Paul asked. "You've gone quiet."

"Just how lucky I am. After all the things I fucked up on, somehow I ended up getting everything I always wanted."

"Me too," he murmured. "When I met you, I was so determined it was going to be my usual fuck and run. Then I just couldn't leave it alone. Even when you broke up with me, I was only going through the motions with that twink. I didn't want him or anyone else...I loved you. Love you...always."

"I love you, Paul," I repeated. "Always."


End file.
